Date: 27 Apr 92 16:54:05 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.4
----------------------------------------------------
John A. McNelly:sd picked this off the net
Article 20680 of rec.sport.baseball:
Okay, baseball fans.
I gotta get this article off of my desk.
Great baseball quotes, from the Long Beach (CA) Independent Press-Telegram
March 22, 1989
"I watch a lot of baseball on the radio"
- Gerald Ford, 1978 -
"They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was in Brooklyn"
- Casey Stengel, 1962 -
"It's a wierd scene. You win a few baseball games and all of a sudden
you're surrounded by reporters an TV men with cameras asking you about
Viet Nam and race relations"
- Vida Blue, 1971 -
"It's a beautiful day for a night game"
- Announcer Frankie Frisch -
"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably have seen
a lot more of my husband"
- Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981 -
"Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win"
- Announcer Phil Rizzuto, after a news bulletin
reporting the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978 -
"The most important things in life are good friends and a strong bull pen"
- Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981 -
"I won't play for a penny less than $1500"
- Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000 -
----------------------------------------------------
From Christopher Neufeld's culls of rec.humor:
Subject: Rumanian Airlines Emergency Instructions (humor)
From my "Timepeace" calendar March 7 entry.
Rumanian National Airlines Emergency Instructions:
"Exit according to rule, first leg and then head.
Remove high heels and synthetic stockings before evacuation:
Open the door, take out the recovery line and throw it away."
**************************
Subject: Microcomputer Humor
Have you heard about the new virus?
WINDOWS!
It mutated from System 7.
**************************
Subject: We've been wrong all this time!
]From a "Kellog's Rice Bubbles Intergalactica Space Kit Space Race"
(included in a packet of Rice Bubbles)...
Far Out Facts
Did you know that Haley's Comet, last seen in 1986,
travels at fifty times the speed of light? ...
What does this mean about the nutritional information on the packet!
**************************
Commercials....
I work in a Department that handles computer support. We took the lines from
the phone commericial "What finger did you use...you hit the right key but
you hit it too hard etc..." to use when persons asked why the computer didn't
do what it was supposed to...
**************************
Subject: April fool's day jokes?
Here in Champaign WLRW radio reported on their early newscast (around
6 am, I think) that the county had levied a new "pet tax" on cats and dogs
amounting to 98 cents per pound. :-) According to the report, the fee would
be waived for all persons bringing their pets to be liscensed that same day.
By 8:00, about 12 people had showed up on the steps of the courthouse in
Champaign to have their pets weighed and liscensed!! Of course, a radio
crew was also there. . .
I also heard that the humane shelter got close to 100 calls from people
complaining. Some even said that they would have to get their pets put to
sleep because they couldn't afford the tax!
Does the word "gullible" seem appropriate. . .?
**************************
A fairly unknown author arrived to a broadcasting station to be interviewed
on TV. While passing the gates a guard asked him:
-"Excuse me, sir, what's inside your bag ?"
Being tired, the author answers, more arrogantly than joking:
-"A foldable machine gun."
-"Oh, it's OK then", the guard said, "I thought it was some of your books."
**************************
Subject: Star Trek Joke
Dr McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped
inside the damaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency
crews to free his comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones!
Do you think your all right? Are you badly hurt?" To which Dr. McCoy
replied, "Damn it, Jim! How should I know? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!"
**************************
Subject: April fool's day jokes?
American Airlines changed some of its welcome signs in San Diego airport to
read "Welcome to Chicago".
----------------------------------------------------
From Jose Manuel Salas-Meza sifting of rec.humor:
From:Ron Dippold
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
**************************
From: Bob.Underdown@f1040.n391.z1.FidoNet.Org (Bob Underdown)
If you sell hearing aids, you really should think about buying advertising
during the Sports section of the TV news. The way most Sportscasters yell
during their broadcasts, all sports fans must be hard of hearing. :)
**************************
From: shannon@sryans.UUCP (Shannon Ryans)
Subject: Hitler and a test...
Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler
1. Land War in Asia
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln
beard to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked
remarkably like a bullseye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a
little country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with
war advice
38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of
USSR
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his
own escape.
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of
Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous
invasion of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much
embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his
concept of the "Oberdude"
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled
threat
59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans
----------------------------------------------------
From Nola Mae, rec.humor:
You know it's getting time to graduate when...
]
] 3. you actually _can_ visualise something in nine dimensions.
]
] 4. someone asks you when you were out the last time, you first think
] for five minutes and then say:
] "...weeeelllll, it was in the summer of '88....I think..."
]
] 5. you go through the budget for the last year and find the column
] for "various" sums to zero but "books" is eating 50% of your money.
]
] 6. you know all about the theories of Flogiston.
]
] 7. you want the Russian city of Kaliningrad to have its old name back
] because of "mathematical traditions".
]
] 8. you use the incompressible Galerkin method with complex elliptical
] coordinates to predict when the subway will arrive to the next station.
]
] 9. you stay home solving some nice seven-dimensional Helmholtz equation
] rather than going out for a beer with your friends that went
] studying Law or Medicine (and still have undestroyed minds).
]
]10. it takes you less than 20 minutes to "show that the analogue of Stokes
] equations in a four-dimensional simply connected domain can be formulated
] as two biharmonic problems, by introducing the stream function as
] unkown".
]
11. it takes you more time reading news than studying.
12. your girlfriend threatens to quit you because of 11.
----------------------------------------------------
From rec.humor, stuff Peter Yee sifted out:
The seaman approached the passenger standing on the deck with a undefined
bluish-green coloured face, just about to throw up over the gunwale.
-"Just be brave", the seaman said, "no one has yet died of seasickness."
-"Oooooh, the only thing that's keeping me alive is that I hope to die soon."
----------------------------------------------------
From Rec.humor, sifted out by Carl Sukkot:
Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions
are met:
The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee
will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have
to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers
will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to
change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the
benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the
present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be
twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright
as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel
will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to
the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce
light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA
will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of
the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by
an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about
the perisl of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs
to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill.
President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene
lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the
needy.
And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his
constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light
bulb changed almost single-handedly.
Darwin R. Crum
Schaumburg, Ill.
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Alan Nicoll sifted out of rec.humor:
What kind of government now rules the US of A?
A kleptocracy!
**************************
Programming is an art form that fights back.
**************************
On Monday, the Senate Ethics Committee said that Congress treated the
House bank like it was "Monopoly" money. I can't wait to see them when
they try to use that "Get Out of Jail Free" card!
**************************
It's interesting how some members of Congress have been trying to explain
their way out of this check bouncing thing by pleading ignorance. And
that's not necessary.... If there's one thing Congress doesn't have to
plead....it's ignorance....
**************************
The Senate shelved the crime bill until sometime next year. They're
not even going to DEAL with it until next year....and then, MAYBE pass
it. Now....how is it Congress can pass a bill on ethics, which they
know nothing about -- but can't pass a bill on crime....which they've
had TREMENDOUS experience with?
**************************
And you all know Paul Tsongas dropped out of the Presidential race.
It's kind of sad to see old Paul go. He said he plans to take a long
time off and just do absolutely nothing. So....I guess he's got his
eye on the VICE Presidency now.....
**************************
Ted Kennedy's getting married to a 38-year-old Washington lawyer. If you're
interested in buying the couple a wedding gift....they're registered at
the Liquor Barn.
**************************
SYMBOL OF LIBERTY: In ancient Rome, the cat was considered a symbol
of liberty. Anyone who watches a cat can see that he always does
exactly as he pleases.
**************************
CCP] ] Unless you mean 2392. I'm sure Canada will be part of the US
CCP] by then.
CCP]
CCP] Don't you mean the U.S. will be part of Canada ? :-)
CCP]
The Japanese will never let their property be given away like that...
**************************
"This phone is baroque; please call Bach later."
**************************
] Anything like the above happen to anyone out there? I remember being in a
] play in the first or second grade. During one scene, me and another kid were
] supposed to be sitting at a table doing something busy while a conversation
] went on on another part of the stage. He pretended to pour me a drink.
] I would gulp it down, he'd pour another, I pretended to pour it in his lap.
] He pushed my plate off in my lap. One thing led to another and before you
] know it we were in a knock down drag out that took the better part of the
] cast and teachers to pull us apart. Oh well. I never pursued an acting
] career, and its probably just as well.
]
One high school play based on the last days of jesus christ (yes! I went to a
catholic school) had a senior student, dressed as a Roman soldier, faint the
moment he walked onto the stage. A classmate playing the part of a senior
Roman offical (I dont remember which offical), continued on by simply looking
down on the "soldier" in disgust and in an appropriate voice said "Oh my god! -
get his man out of here!". The "soldier" was then dragged unceremoniously off
the stage.
**************************
|]
|]]Oh! You would have been the upper-class in my neighborhood. Blood for
|]]ink, eh? We had to sell our blood to buy bits of bark which we used for
|]]paper. We got up at 1:00 a.m. for five hours of chapel, two hours of
|]]latrine-scrubbing and fifteen minutes of gratuitous verbal abuse on
|]]alternate Wednesdays. Lectures were given in mime in darkened rooms
|]]by lecturers with little motor control. Afternoons we worked as shovels
|]]in local mines. Evenings graduate students would kill us outright.
|]
|]Bark! We would have KILLED to have bark to write on in my day. We would
|]use pointed sticks to prick ourselves, and took notes in our blood on our
|]hands. We would get up just before midnight so the professors could
|]do experiments on us, after which it was down to the old gym to lick the
|]sweat off the basketball court for refreshments. We never had any
|]lecturers - the books were set at the front of the room, where we were
|]expected to memorize them. Oh, and to be killed by graduate students
|]instead of townies - purest heaven!
|]
|Boy did YOU have it easy. We had to claw our notes in the dirt for each lecture.
|to take a test, we had to claw the answers into our own skin with our
|fingernails! Refreshments! We ate dirt for dinner and had mud to drink
|and were damn grateful for that! Books? Feh! WE had to GUESS what the
|information was. To be killed by townies? You had it easy. On parents day, our
|family we come and beat us severely as wild dogs chased us down and mangled
|us severely. Built character. Kids today, no sense of proportion.
|
Fingernails?!? You had fingernails? I should be so lucky as to have
had fingernails! Those got pulled out when we registered. And we had
to pull out all our own teeth, and sell them to pay for our food. (We
only got to eat once a week. It wasn't really food, but just the
chance to dig through the discarded surgical dressing in the dumpster
behind the veteran's hospital, looking for anything edible.) To turn
in our assignments, we had to tear off patches of our own skin to use
for paper... And we didn't have any blood to use for ink (because we
sold all of it to pay tuition), and no teeth or fingernails to scratch
into the skin with, so we had to give ourselves compound fractures,
and use the jagged broken ends of our femurs as engraving tools. And
we didn't have the pleasure of having our family beat us, no sir. We
weren't allowed families. Anyone suspected of having a family was
promptly expelled, after being drawn and quartered, and sprinkled with
rock salt. You got to be chased and mangled by wild dogs? You lucky
sod! Only the top student in our class got to be chased and mangled
by a wild dog... And it wasn't even a real wild dog, it was just one
of the loonies from the bedlam, wearing a banner that said "wild dog".
What I wouldn't have given to be chased and mangled by a wild dog...
Luxury!
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