Date: 20 Apr 92 15:42:42 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.3
----------------------------------------------------
From SPAF's collection (spaf@cs.purdue.edu) Gene Spafford
**************************
From: bank@lea.csc.ncsu.edu (Belgarath the Sorcerer)
Subject: Heard from an IBMer
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Q: What is an optimist?
A: An IBM'er who, on Sunday, irons FIVE white shirts.
**************************
From: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: The British plug in
]From the SJ Merc News 2/2/92
Britain has just announced that makers of electrical appliances
in that country must begin attaching plugs to the ends of electrical
cords.
Britons, for we don't know how long, have been required to buy
plugs and attach them to their new toasters, irons and electrical
what have yous.
But now the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, citing
its research into the matter, says it was surprised to learn that "it
is common practice everywhere else in the world to sell electrical goods
with a plug attached."
**************************
From: Patty Winter [winter@apple.com]
Subject: bumper sticker of the week
On a car at Apple:
Picard/Riker '92
[Yes!! By far better than any of the current candidates. Can
anybody out there in Granola land find any campaign buttons? :-)
--spaf]
**************************
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: You know you're old when...
You know you're old when you have owned an album for 3 or more
decades in 4 different formats.
In 1978, I bought an 8-track tape. Yes, an 8-track tape.
In 1983, I bought a cassette tape.
In 1987, I bought vinyl.
Yesterday, I bought a CD.
[Depends on the album. If it's the Chipmunk's Greatest Hits, or
Lawrence Welk plays the Beatles, you have more of a problem than just
age. --spaf]
**************************
From: patb@tcom.stc.co.uk (Patrick Brosnan)
Subject: Apartment for summer sublet
Newsgroups: rec.travel,misc.misc,news.misc,tor.general,alt.alien.visitors,tor.news,soc.college.gradinfo,ut.dcs.gradnews
In article [92Feb20.111306est.8702@orasis.vis.toronto.edu] eyal@vis.toronto.edu writes:
]********** APARTMENT FOR SUMMER SUBLET **********
What's this doing in "alt.alien.visitors" ? Perhaps you want to give the aliens
a little summer vacation from what is probably a very Spartan system of
underground tunnels ?
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
**************************
From: Andy Wilcox [andy@wasp.eng.ufl.edu]
Subject: Tales of Unachieved Grandeur
A few weeks ago, the U of Florida had their annual student
run engineers fair. This is your usual run-o-the mill
pretty well produced student expo. Lots of the engineering
societies have exhibits displaying their research, and several
corporations are also invited to do the same.
The booth of the Aero department had a very sleek looking human
powered sub on display. I presume this was UF's entry into the
competition each year off the coast of Florida, which was featured
on some pop-science program (Nova?) last year.
On careful inspection of the craft, I noted that something was
written on it near the drivers hatch. It had been sanded over
in an attempt to remove it. Looking carefully, it said:
"A job, a wife, 3 years and 5 grades, and it still never worked."
-signature garbled
**************************
From: Terry Zmrhal
Subject: FW: Top Ten Rejected Slogans...
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for the IBM/Apple Joint Venture:
10. What we lack in talent, we make up in size.
9. Middle-aged white men in suits.
8. Mediocrity is us.
7. The power to be our best and sue the rest.
6. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
5. Why 1984 won't be "1984": it'll be 1992.
4. Making it all make money.
3. We don't like you, Bill.
2. Ours isn't Micro and our isn't Soft.
1. Setting a new standard in vaporware.
**************************
From: Joe Wiggins [JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU]
Subject: More Bizarre News
A burglar, baby-sitting his 4-year-old daughter during a heist, broke into
a house in Newark, N.J., in October, stole some things, then left in a hurry
without the daughter.
In August at the annual Cortland, N.Y., 200-rider demonstration against
the state's mandatory motorcycle helmet law, five protestors were thrown
from their bikes, lacerated, and suffered head injuries when a tire blew
out on one cycle. All five were cited for failure to wear helmets.
Suspected purse-snatcher Dereese Delon Waddell in suburban Minneapolis last
winter stood on a police lineup so the 76-year-old female victim could have
a look at him. When the police told him to put his baseball cap on his head
with the bill facing out, so as to be presentable, he protested, "No (I'm
going to) put it on backwards. That's the way I had it on when I took the
purse."
John Riley, until August the head of the Minnesota Department of Transporta-
tion admitted in September that he had been driving without a Minnesota driver's
license all year. He said he didn't have time to get one, but there was a
licensing office downstairs in the building where he worked. In September,
Riley became chief of staff to the governor.
**************************
From: bhahn@oldno7.sw.stratus.com (Bill Hahn)
Subject: Our chief export
]From today's (Thursday) Boston Globe:
"America's chief export is intellectual activity."
-Robert Fitzpatrick
President, Euro Disney
pictured in front of the new Disneyland in France....
**************************
From: Mark Bartelt [sysmark@orca.cita.utoronto.ca]
Subject: overly clever failsafe system
The following appeared in my mailbox. (Don't know the name
of the person who originally sent it; I was at the end of a
moderate-sized forwarding chain.)
On Peter Ross's ABC-TV arts show on Sunday Afternoon,
the avant garde composer John Cage was featured
performing his 4'33". It consists of the performer(s),
armed with a stopwatch, sitting silently on stage for
four minutes 33 seconds, with the music consisting of
whatever noises come from the audience or outside the
auditorium. The TV performance went well, but the ABC
was caught out by technology - a fail-safe device turns
off studio transmission if there's more than 90 seconds
of silence, and puts up a test pattern. It went into
operation three times during the performance.
**************************
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Trouble in Triplicate
To: spaf
]From: todd@ftp.com (Todd Prior)
I was bored last week and a thought occured to me. Why is it that there is a
government bureau which oversees alcohol, tobacco, and firearms? I was bored
enough to call up the regional office of said bureau... I asked the man who
answered the phone "What wine goes best with an M-16?" He did his best to be
helpful, however. "That depends. What are you smoking?"
**************************
From: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: Top Ten April Fool's Day Jokes In New York City
To: spaf
Top Ten April Fool's Day Jokes In New York City
-----------------------------------------------
10. Super Glue an automatic weapon to curb and watch passerby try to pick it up.
7. Hold Wisconsin couple at gunpoint; demand their money and jewelry - then
give them back their jewelry.
6. Adding a tail to chalk body outlines.
5. Screaming, "The stock market is down!" then tossing life-sized dummy off
roof of building.
**************************
From: desint!geoff@uunet.UU.NET (Geoff Kuenning)
Subject: A remarkably stupid design decision
Newsgroups: comp.risks
I just had to pass this one on because it was so funny/sad. A client told me
today of a consultant who designed a menu-driven system to be used by
accountants for financial purposes. Needing a special character to signify
"return to main menu", he chose one that "nobody uses" (his words). The
character? The dollar sign!
Needless to say, on the first day the software was installed, my
client got a frantic call. "Every time I try to enter a dollar
amount, it pops me back to the menu!"
**************************
From: noel@erich.triumf.ca (NOEL)
Subject: Misuse of computer based thesaurus
Demonstrating the misuse of a computer based thesaurus.
-----
This is the allegory of an individual christened Jed. An unprosperous
ascetical recluse who just about sustained his clan. Then it came to
pass one morning. He was in quest of nutriments, when elevated from the
soil arose some effervescent raw petroleum products.
The fundamental issue one recognizes, venerable Jed's become excessively
affluent. His indigenous relatives asserted, "Jed, depart from your
current domicile". They pronounced California as the locale of
choice, so the household loaded up their property and possessions and
seceded to Beverly Hills.
------
transcribed while playing with Microsoft Word
from Noel Giffin
**************************
From: "Jonathan Trudel" [jdt@bugs.rmd.com]
Subject: YOu know you're losing it when
When you read misc.forsale, and upon seeing a subject line of "Space
Conquerers for sale", you think "Hmmm, maybe they'll take passengers."
**************************
From: aibjh@aisb.ed.ac.uk (Brian Horisk)
Newsgroups: eduni.general
Subject: Credit worthiness....
Date: 20 Mar 92 00:38:16 GMT
My flat-mate got a bank-statement the other day showing charges of 33
quid. Not having been overdrawn (and supposedly having free banking as
a student) he wrote to the bank to complain, and got the reply today.
What the bank had done was drawn a cheque on his account for $5.46, but
whoever keyed it in made a slight mistake, and actually entered
$5,460,000!! They corrected their mistake the next day, but one day's
interest on 5 and a half mil is apparently $15,000. They then charged
this to his account. Realising their mistake again, they replaced it
again the next day, but one days interest on $15,000 was (guess what)
$33.....which they charged him.
They've now refunded his money, but isn't it comforting to know that if
your average student writes a cheque for $5.5mil the friendly Bank of
Scotland will cash it without quibble.....
[But they'll probably cash it in those funny Scottish pound notes that
no one else in Europe will accept. --spaf]
**************************
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: AND THE MINKS ON MY WIFE'S COAT ALL COMMITTED SUICIDE
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
The Eddie Bauer catalog offers pitch-saturated kindling
wood "felled by lightning or other natural causes".
-- from an article on Political Correctness in US News & World Report
**************************
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Since you asked...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
On 2/10/92, you allegedly write:
] From: hacker@tumbler-ridge.caltech.edu (Jon Hacker)
] Subject: /dev/null full
]
] Our sun sparc 1+ SunOS 4.1 OW2.0 started running very slowly. When
] I logged out I got the message /dev/null full: empty bit bucket.
]
] What does this mean? It seems to be running fine after a reboot
] but I am wondering if only the sympton is cured.
]
]Jon Hacker
]MMIC Group, EE
]Caltech, Pasadena CA
The problem is that null is full. Your void space is no longer void,
it's full up.
THE TOP TEN WAYS TO EMPTY AN OVERFLOWING BIT BUCKET:
10) Open the computer up. Look for the bit bucket, find the RED stopper
at the bottom of it and open it up OVER a LARGE trashcan.
9) Stop using the computer for 6 months, let the bits compost and
continue.
8) Take the ethernet terminator off, and "cat /dev/null ] le0". This
spits the bits into the ether.
7) When you write to /dev/null, the 0's don't take up any space, but
the one's do. Try writing a file full of 0's to /dev/null
(binary 0, NOT ASCII 0 - ASCII 0 will start overfilling the partition).
6) This is a common problem _only_ if you use the computer. If you stop
using it, it won't have many problems as all. Kick the other users off
too.
5) If you use lots of C programs, they have Null terminated strings that
use up the bits in /dev/null.
4) Bring the computer to Mr. Goodwrench, he will drain the bit bucket,
change the oil and add windshield fluid, all in less than 29 minutes.
Now that's a deal.
3) Consider upgrading to a byte bucket or even a word bucket.
2) Since your already using Open Windows, open a window and toss the
useless bits out the open window.
1) Stop using the game "fortune" in your .logout script, Mr "Hacker".
**************************
From: lsefton@apple.com
Subject: MAJOR VIRUS ALERT!! :-)
] -----] M A J O R V I R U S A L E R T [-----
]
]* George Bush Virus - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it
] until November
]* Ted Kennedy Virus - Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened
]* Warren Commission Virus - Won't allow you to open your files for
] 75 years
]* Jerry Brown Virus - Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800
] number
]* David Duke Virus - Makes your screen go completely white
]* Congress Virus - Overdraws your disk space
]* Paul Tsongas Virus - Pops up on Dec. 25 and says "I'm Not Santa Claus"
]* Pat Buchanan Virus - Shifts all output to the extreme right of the
] screen
]* Dan Quayle Virus - Forces your computer to play "PGA TOUR" from 10am
] to 4pm 6 days a week
]* Bill Clinton Virus - This virus mutates from region to region. We're
] not exactly sure what it does.
]* Richard Nixon Virus - aka the "Tricky Dick Virus" you can wipe it out,
] but it always makes a comeback.
]* H. Ross Perot Virus - same as the Jerry Brown virus, only nicer fonts
] are used, and it appears to have had a lot more money put into its
] development.
**************************
From: chuq.ai@Apple.COM (Chuq Von Rospach, mostly-retired net.deity)
Subject: The Spafford forgery
Newsgroups: news.announce.important
This is an unauthorized announcement, posted in the public interest by
Chuq Von Rospach's network-interface AI software.
On April 1st, 1989, an article was posted to USENET over the "signature" of
Eugene Spafford at Purdue University. "Spafford" purported to warn everyone
that April Fools Day is a popular time for people to post forged USENET
articles. "Spafford" mentioned several of the more famous (or infamous)
forgeries, and described ways in which a forged article could be told from
a real one.
The article by "Spafford" was, of course, a forgery, and bore all of the
telltale signs of being one. Spaf himself didn't know anything about the
article until after it was posted.
On April 1st, 1990, some person or persons other than the original forger
dug out copies of the forged forgery-warning, changed the date and message
ID slightly, and reposted it. The same thing happened in 1991. As a result,
the 1991 article was a duplicated clone of a forged forgery-warning.
Enough is enough. It's not funny any more. The joke was witty the first
time, half-witted the second, and drizzle-witted the third. We don't need
to see it again this year.
If you have a copy of the Spafford forgery, and were thinking of re-posting
it sometime in the next couple of weeks: please don't. It's been done before,
and the joke is old.
If somebody does post it, ignore it. Don't bother writing spaf to tell him
that he's been forged. He knows. Don't bother writing Chuq, either... he
has retired from the net to pursue other goals, and I read all of his
mail for him.
---
Chuq "IMHO" Von Rospach, Enterprise Products Support
chuq@apple.com | GEnie:CHUQ & MAC.BIGOT | ALink:CHUQ
Book Reviewer, Amazing Stories =+= Member, SFWA
Editor, OtherRealms =+= #include [standard/disclaimer.h]
[This was, apparently, itself a forgery. --spaf]
**************************
From: meo@netmail.austin.ibm.com (Miles E O'Neal (Contractor))
Subject: Microsoft - The Adventure Continues
[No idea who originally sent this - it was pretty anonymous
by the time it got to me. It apparently originated in Seattle.]
Almost Live (local comedy show, 11:30 Saturday night) did a
sketch on Microsoft's "management style" b/c of the recent
Business Week article.
Employee of the month gets a gold watch and a small
Mediterranean island.
At board meetings, all members must dress like their
favorite Star Trek character. Bill always gets to be Spock.
Corner offices with a view are awarded to programmers who
can make Mountain Dew come out of their noses at lunch meetings.
At Christmas time, everyone gets presents from their "Secret Geek."
Promotions are guaranteed for all executives who pick Bill first for
their softball team.
Each afternoon, everyone runs over to IBM, rings the doorbell, and
hides.
Best idea of the week gets you an hour alone with Bill's money.
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