Date: 13 Apr 92 16:18:11 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.2
----------------------------------------------------
From robkp@microsoft.com
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef
**************************
"A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged." -- Frank Rizzo
"A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested." -- Tom Wolfe
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students." -- John Cairdi
**************************
Disclaimer: These are from David Letterman...
Date: Tue Feb 11 09:49:29 PDT 1992
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR BANK IS FAILING
10. Free handful of Chee*tos with every new account.
9. They hand out calendars one month at a time.
8. The security guard offers to walk you back to your office
for five bucks.
7. You overhear branch manager muttering to himself, "I wonder
if you can eat squirrel?"
6. Free giveaway toaster is made by G.E.
5. Automatic teller machine replaced by fat guy with open
carton of twenties.
4. You glimpse inside the vault and notice it's stacked with
empty soda bottles.
3. When you deposit cash, a bank officer runs over, sticks it in
his pocket, and dances around yelling, "Lordy, lordy! We're
having biscuits tonight!"
2. You recognize some of the tellers as carnival people.
1. They can't change a twenty.
**************************
From: Joseph Harper
This first item comes from MicroSoftie GarrettJ:
Waco, Texas:
A man held up a Circle K store on Nov. 29 after first diverting
the clerk's attention by putting a $20 bill on the counter and
asking for change.
When the register was opened, the robber pulled out a gun and
demanded the entire contents of the cash register. The clerk put
everything in a bag and handed it to the robber - all $15.
The robber then fled...
...leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
**************************
From: Joseph Harper
This first item comes from MicroSoftie RobWil:
Ames, Iowa:
A one-legged man stole a three-legged dog, police said.
In addition to the black Labrador, the burglar Sunday also took a
hamster, a checkbook and some cash from Nikkel & Associates,
an electrical contracting business, police said.
The man then stole a pickup truck after the break-in and
witnesses identified him by name.
Police Sgt. Craig Reid said police are familiar with the suspect,
who wears a prosthesis.
**************************
This next item comes from MicroSoftie EdH:
Honolulu, Hawaii:
A fan club in Hawaii recently petitioned to have the name of the
island of Maui officially changed to "Gilligan's Island."
An official replied, saying the chances of such happening was
"zero to less than zero."
**************************
This next item comes from MicroSoftie RobkP:
Los Angles, California:
After draining excess fuel from the flooded engine of his 1946
aircraft, Douglas Youngs reached into the cockpit and started the
engine.
But he had forgotten to close the throttle and the plane took off
without him.
The errant aircraft was eventually found 65 miles away, perched
in an 85 foot tree. Youngs thinks he can repair the plane, just as
soon as he figures out how to get it down from the tree.
**************************
This next item also comes by way of MicroSoftie EdH:
Here's a story related by a speaker at the recent aviation seminar
in Tacoma.
The speaker recalled an incident at one of California's major
airports. A PSA jet was taxiing out behind a Delta. It was very
busy, and a long line of jets was lined up for departure.
PSA, Delta, and Ground Control had a conversation that went
something like:
PSA: "Ground Control [GC], could you ask the Delta ahead of
me to come up on (radio frequency) 1xx.35?"
[a pause followed]
Delta: "GC, please inform PSA that we at Delta are
professionals; we do not use unauthorized frequencies."
[Another pause followed by:]
PSA: "GC, now for all listening to this frequency and for the
FAA tapes -- would you please inform Delta that their very
professional gear pins are still in place?"
[A much longer silence (actually I imagine a lot of folks laughing
too hard to talk except in the Delta Cabin)]
Delta: "GC, Delta Flight xxx requests taxi back to the gate."
**************************
From: Joseph Harper
This first item comes from Washington State U.s Denise Blus:
Fort Lauderdale, Florida:
A woman who set up a 900 number, Dial-A-Friend, is hanging it
up after logging only one call in three months and that from a
man who wanted to know the operator's measurements.
"It makes you wonder: Is there a normal person out there to
begin with?" said Lorain Blum, who had expected people would
be willing to pay $2.99-a-minute for social service referrals and a
friendly listener.
Blum spend $8,000 setting up the line and advertising on radio,
cable television and in singles' magazines. Dial-A-Friend's sole
customer brought in $23.92 she said.
Social service information is free from Broward County's
Community Service Council.
**************************
Moffett Field, California:
Pioneer 10, built to last 21 months, marks its 20th year in space
today as it skirts the fringe of the solar system.
NASA's sturdy 570-pound probe is the most distant human-made
object, at 5 billion miles from Earth.
Built to last long enough to explore Jupiter, it now travels at
29,000 miles per hour in a search for the outer reaches of the
sun's influence.
"I'm in awe that not only are we still able to communicate with
it, but we're able to control it," says project manager Richard
Fimmel of the Ames Research Center at Moffett Field.
Eight of Pioneer's 12 instrument still work. Its radio signal -- 8
watts, or the power of a night light -- takes 7.5 hours to reach
the Deep Space Network run by NASA.
Managers hope Pioneer's small nuclear power pack will last until
the year 2000.
Pioneer carries greetings for other civilizations on the famous
gold-anodized plaque of a naked man and woman, a controversial
addition at the time of launch.
Scientists expect the sun to blow up in a supernova 5 billion years
from now, destroying the solar system.
But, says Fimmel, "Pioneer 10 in all likelihood will still be
zipping around. It's going to outlast Earth."
**************************
Los Angeles, California:
A man dialed 911 to tell police he'd climbed into a liquor store
by cutting a hole in a roof but couldn't find a way to get out.
"When they got there, they could see him sitting on the floor by
the front counter, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer," said
a police spokesman.
Robert William Laughton, 23, was arrested and held on $5,000 bond.
**************************
Toronto, Canada:
Archbisop George Cram enjoys a banana once in a while, but
he's not the kind of primate that ape researchers had in mind.
The University of Wisconsin's Regional Primate Research Center
sent Cram, primate (senior archbishop) of the Anglican Church
of Canada, a questionnaire while preparing an international
directory of primatology.
The envelope was addressed to "George Cram, Primates World
Relief and Development Fund."
The Reverend Michael Ingham, secretary for the senior
archbishop, suggested in a letter of reply that "primates in your
study are perhaps of a different species."
"While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys bananas, I
have never seen him walk with his knuckles on the ground or
scratch himself publicly under the armpits," Ingham said.
"There are a mere 28 Anglican primates in the whole world," he
said. "They are all males, of course, but so far we have had no
problems of reproduction."
The research center's director, John Hearn, promised to strike the
church from a computer database and added in a letter to Ingham;
"In our zeal to develop a comprehensive directory, we have
strayed on this occasion from the arboreal to the spiritual."
**************************
]From johnjar Tue Dec 3 15:22:35 1991
BUZZWORDS FOR MANAGERS
==========================
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
--------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then
select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance,
number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase
that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of
decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest
idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is
that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT.
-author unknown
**************************
[For you non-Microsofties -- We have reviews every 6months where we
write about ourselves, and our managers write about us.]
REVIEW TERMS
says: 'Maintains a high degree of participation.'
means: 'Comes to work on time.'
says: 'Excels in the effective application of skills.'
means: 'Makes a good cup of coffee.'
says: 'Displays excellent intuitive judgement.'
means: 'Knows when to disappear.'
says: 'Displays great dexterity and agility.'
means: 'Dodges and evades superiors well.'
says: 'Demonstrates imaginative leadership.'
means: 'Imagines self to be Ivan the Terrible.'
says: 'Inspires the cooperation of others.'
means: 'Gets everyone else to do the work.'
says: 'Excels in sustaining concentration while avoiding
confrontations.'
means: 'Ignores everyone.'
says: 'Is willing to take calculated risks.'
means: 'Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.'
says: 'Identifies major management problems.'
means: 'Complains a lot.'
says: 'Keeps well informed on business, political
and social issues.'
means: 'Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.'
says: 'Is exceptionally well informed.'
means: 'Knows where all the skeletons are kept.'
says: 'Delegates responsibility effectively.'
means: 'Passes the buck well.'
says: 'Accepts new job assignments willingly.'
means: 'Never finishes a job.'
says: 'Optimizes the use of available resources.'
means: 'Conserves supplies and funds by never doing
anything.'
**************************
From: Terry Zmrhal
Subject: FW: Top Ten Rejected Slogans...
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for the IBM/Apple Joint Venture:
10. What we lack in talent, we make up in size.
9. Middle-aged white men in suits.
8. Mediocrity is us.
7. The power to be our best and sue the rest.
6. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
5. Why 1984 won't be "1984": it'll be 1992.
4. Making it all make money.
3. We don't like you, Bill.
2. Ours isn't Micro and our isn't Soft.
1. Setting a new standard in vaporware.
**************************
Top Ten New Macintosh Verbs
10. To sculley (grossly overpay)
9. to jobs (distort reality)
8. To gates (hoard)
7. To boston expo (sweat like a pig)
6. To ibm (bore)
5. To upgrade (waste away more money)
4. To network (waste away time and money)
3. To apple (litigate)
2. To macweek (fabricate)
1. To bmug (not have a life)
Top Ten Favorite Mac Products of Pee-Wee Herman
10. Aldus Free-hand
9. Berkeley Systems' After Dark
8. Quark X-hibitionist
7. Broderbund's Pix Not for Kids
6. Paracomp's Shrivel 3D
5. Advanced Software's Intouch
4. Any Big screen monitor in Sarasota, Florida
3. MacPEEK Magazine
2. CE Software's QuickBail
1. The not-released-soon-enough Apple Laptop
**************************
In honor of the new Windows Flag above the corporate campus:
The National Anthem
of
Windows Nation
OLE can you C, by the fonts of TrueType,
What so proudly we mailed to our users upgrading?
Whose class libs and tool bars, through the marketing hype,
Four meg RAM cards they'd bought, final beta awaiting.
And the testers declare, fix the bugs on the share,
Codeview'd every byte of our way cool software.
Oh, say does that user friendly icon yet wave
O'er the land of the GUI,
and the Windows of the brave.
copyright (c) 1992, Bogus Music
lyrics, deanb
inspiration, stevesh
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page