Date: 30 Mar 92 17:25:11 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 7.V
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From Clayton E. Cramer:
We should not be surprised that people that can't balance their own
checkbooks, can't balance the national budget.
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From rec.humor:
Get down off your high horse. It's dangerous to ride an animal who's been
ingesting controlled substances.
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From: boyajian@ruby.enet.dec.com (The fox so cunning and free)
"They say the best things in life are free."
"Free!? Hamton, this is the 90's. Take out a loan and buy a clue."
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From: jason@triton.unm.edu (Jason Pelowitz)
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
- Jewish proverb
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From: Martin A. David
A grey Toyota Corolla with the license # 2TSF771 has its lights on......
but if you wait a while theyll go out by themselves....
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Rick Overton did his stand-up routine. Here is a sample:
Picard: (tugs on tunic and turns to Data) Data, the ships stores do not seem to be able to provide garments that fit properly. Could you investigate this and find a solution.
Data: Aye, sir. Perhaps there is some useful information in my historical records. Accessing. (some milliseconds later) I have found a reference to a device called a Singer. It was used to join segments of textiles with a mechanical needle and thread. I believe this device can be used to make properly fitted garments.
Picard: Excellent, Mr. Data. Make it sew!
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From rec.humor.funny:
From: ianb@ocf.berkeley.edu (Ian Barkley)
Subject: A Thought
...And I overheard Descartes say "I think, therefore I am. I'm still trying
to explain politicians, though..."
***************
From: mem@mv.mv.com (Mark E. Mallett)
Subject: Bush loses to bingo
[ You may not find this amusing, but I thought it was a stitch: ]
Tonight CNN showed a clip of George Bush paying a surprise visit to a
Bingo game in Georgia. As the President went handshaking among the
crowd of mostly elderly ladies, you could clearly hear in the
background that the caller was still calling out Bingo numbers.
[ I wonder how many write-in votes there will be for O-62? ]
-mm-
--
Mark E. Mallett MV Communications, Inc./ PO Box 4963/ Manchester NH/ 03108
***************
From: hsc@honet6.att.com (Harvey S Cohen)
Subject: Democratic T-shirt
Latest T-shirt message:
"My President went around the world, and all I got was this lousy recession!"
(adapted from a shirt sold by the Democratic National Committee)
***************
Subject: Ted Kennedy getting married
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
]From Rush Limbaugh:
"Actually, Ted Kennedy and his fiance were engaged ten years ago, but
the bachelor party just ended last week."
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From: Marty Sanders
To: Money:all areas
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, 2/5/92.
FROM A "HEARD ON THE STREET"
ARTICLE ENTITLED "RESTRUCTURING PLAYS PAY OFF NICELY".
A QUOTE FROM DONALD MITCHELL OF MITCHELL AND CO. WESTON MASS.
ON RECENT PRICE JUMP IN XEROX STOCK.
"PEOPLE ARE SAYING THEY'RE (XEROX) NOT THE
OLD SHOOT-THEMSELVES-IN-THE-FOOT COMPANY ANYMORE".
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From: Ann Sellgren
I hope this poetry isn't too intelectual!!
Spellbound
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
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Came through SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem:com
Here's an uplifting thought for you to start the week, contributed by
Scott Gellerman:
May 19, 1991
DOGGED APPROACH TO WHAT'S IMPORTANT
In a two-day period in New York City recently, a homeless man, a train
maintenance worker, and a dog were killed on the subway tracks. Ninety
people telephoned the Transit Authority to express concern about the dog,
but only three called about the worker and no one about the homeless man.
***************
Subject: TFD #121: Dave Barry on Pyramids
When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in business as we
now think of it. They engaged in squatting around in caves naked. This went
on for, I would say, roughly two or three million years, when all of a sudden
a primitive person, named Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile
thousands of humongous stones on top of each other in the desert to form great
big geometric shapes?" Well, everybody thought this was an absolutely
TERRIFIC idea ... It wasn't until several thousand years later that they
realized they had been suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course,
by that time, Oog was in the Bahamas.
***************
Subject: TFD #123: Dave Barry on Paneling
The easiest way to install paneling is to simply lean it up against
the walls around the room. This way, you can remove it quickly and
hide it in the garage when tasteful visitors come to call.
***************
Subject: TFD #130: In case you cease to be dead ...
(From a recent "Newsweek" magazine:)
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances."
From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.) Department
of Social Services
***************
Subject: TFD #134: Entertaining Headlines
These entertaining headlines were gleaned from Jay Leno on the Tonight Show,
and forwarded by Dorothy Lustig to the Tandem Humor DL:
ALL BEEF CHICKEN PATTIES $1.59 lb.
DINNER THEATER WILL FEATURE SEASONED ACTORS
FREE GLOW IN THE DARK SUNGLASSES
----------------------------------------------------
From: John A. McNelly:sd:xerox
[SD Union-Tribune, Page D-1, Feb 6, 1992]
And now -- don't sue us! -- for a few laywer jokes
***************
If you can't fight 'em, at least you can laugh about 'em.
The following laywer jokes are are provided by "Nolo News," a quarterly publication for lawyers, and other local wiseguys.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in 2 million ever does anything worthwhile.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.
What's the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
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From: George L. Eldridge:El Segundo:Xerox
re: "If you buy it, you will be participating in what may be the most wide reaching beta test in the history of computing."
I am sorry but Microsoft Windows already owns that record.
George
----------------------------------------------------
from Sarah Elkins
"If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and
laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable."
-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
***************
"People don't hate transplanted New Yorkers because they're from New York.
They hate them because they didn't stay in New York."
***************
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Ah, look at all the lonely users...
Ah, look at all the lonely users...
Our system admins
tear out their hair
and they swear and some really do care
but cannot help us
look at us working
spending our lives with hard drives
'til our eyes start to go
what does it show?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
- Sarah Elkins and Jim Maryniak
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: From Risks, who said it was hard to cheat an honest man
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 1992 12:54:43 GMT
From: weberwu@inf.fu-berlin.de (Debora Weber-Wulff)
Subject: Italian crooks let others pay phone bill
[Translated by DWW from the Berlin daily Newspaper "Tagespiegel", 22 Feb 1992]
lui, Rome, 21. February 1992. [...] Half a million Italians are the proud
owners of portable telephones. The cordless appliance has become the favorite
toy of the Southerners, but the game may soon be over: the "telefonini" are not
protected.
Under the motto "Buy one, pay for two", crooks sell manipulated phones that are
used so that the buyer has to pay for the toll calls of the seller. The trick
works like this: the crooks take a computer with a computing program [whatever
that is ;-) dww] like the ones uses to crack automatic teller machines, and
fuss with it until they find the secret code for the telephone. The code is a
combination of the telephone number and the serial number that is supposed to
only be available to the telephone company SIP. When the code has been
cracked, it is no problem to transfer it to a second telephone, so that both
telephones have the same license number. One phone is sold "under the hand" by
the crooks. As an added deal, the buyer not only gets to pay his own phone
bill, but the fees run up on the second phone as well. The Italian underworld
is especially keen on using this method.[...] The mafia uses the "portabili"
for conducting their unclean business.
[... The police] have not been able to find the instigators, but they suspect
that employees of the telephone manufacturing company are involved, as they
have the knowledge of how the phones are constructed. [...] The portable
telephone is well-known for the ease of tapping the telephone conversations
[which cannot, however, be traced to the place of origin. A book calle "Italy,
I hear you calling" with some of the more interesting tapped conversations has
just been published.]
[Why is such a telephone easy to crack and easy to reprogram? dww]
Debora Weber-Wulff, Institut fuer Informatik, Nestorstr. 8-9, D-W-1000
Berlin 31 +49 30 89691 124 dww@inf.fu-berlin.de
----------------------------------------------------
From Robert Cherry:Roch817
This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it as true:
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final:
"What is courage?". The student wrote "This.", signed it, and turned it in.
I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.
***************
A friend was being relocated from San Francisco to Athens, Greece for a two
year assignment. The relocation policy allowed him to bring up to 10,000 pounds
of possessions in each direction. However to prevent abuse he was allowed to
bring back only 1.5 times as much as he brought. Since he only owned about
2,500 pounds he called the VP Personnel at the East Coast headquarters and with
a terrific noise in the background shouted:
Friend: "Do I have this right. I can bring 10,000 pounds back from Greece, but
only if I bring 6,667 pounds with me?"
VP: "That's right."
Friend: "Well, I'm here at the South San Francisco Scrap Iron Works, and they
have a sale on anvils. Should I buy a couple of tons and ship them to
Greece? Or will you waive the policy?"
The policy was waived. The VP gave my friend a hand written note saying "...
can bring back up to 10,000 pounds with the exceptions of overweight Greek
women, significant pieces of the Greek coastline, and anvils."
----------------------------------------------------
From one of the automatic mail response programs:
This is a recording.
Spaf just got back from a trip, and his mailbox is stuffed to overflowing.
Thus, your message to him entitled "Thanks for the congradulations"
has been received, but it may be a while before he can respond.
Try to be patient.
In the meantime, if you can't wait and are writing:
About Contact instead
----- ---------------
Usenet news @ Purdue usenet@cs.purdue.edu (Dan Trinkle)
Usenet in general tale@cs.rpi.edu (David Lawrence)
problems with spaf's mailer postmaster@cs.purdue.edu (Dan Trinkle)
"Practical UNIX Security" simsong@mit.edu (Simson Garfinkel)
Major security problems cert@cert.sei.cmu.edu (the "White Hats")
The COPS package zen@death.corp.sun.com (Dan Farmer)
If you are writing to offer large sums of money, chocolate, fast cars,
or other trinkets and amusements, you can contact him directly by
phone: 317-494-7825 (fax: 317-494-0739).
If you are seeking to serve a subpoena, you've got the wrong address,
wrong guy, wrong network. So sorry.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Janna.Chang@eng.sun
[Forwarded from Hal Abelson at MIT]
I see (from reading this august list) that Sun has chosen the name
"Solaris" for their new opeating system.
In Stanislaw Lem's novel of the same name, Solaris was an alien
planet/intelligence that human explorers found to be utterly
incomprehensible and psychologically devastating. Encounters with
Solaris drove them to madness and death.
I'm glad that someone at Sun is finally getting it right.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: More quotes (& some .sig material)
From: forda@gtephx.UUCP (Andrew Ford @ AGCS, Phoenix, Arizona)
***************
You must believe in free-will; there is no choice. Isaac Singer
***************
Truth is. Belief is not required. -- Gerry Roston
***************
"The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the
subjected people to carry arms, history shows that all conquerors who have
allowed their subjected peoples to carry arms have prepared their own fall"
-Adolph Hitler, Edict of March 18, 1938.
***************
"Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who
approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright
force. Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined."
-Patrick Henry
***************
"Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of
chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course
others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!"
-- Patrick Henry
***************
"Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself. They are the
American people's liberty teeth and keystone under independence...From the
hour the Pilgrims landed, to the present day, events, occurances, and
tendencies prove that to insure peace, security, and happiness, the rifle
and pistol are equally indispensable. Every corner of this land knows firearms,
and more than 99 99/100 percent of them by their silence indicate they are
in safe and sane hands. The very atmosphere of firearms anywhere and everywhere
restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor with all that's
good. WHEN FIREARMS GO, ALL GOES - we need them every hour."
--- George Washington, 2nd Session of 1st Congress
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