Date: 26 Feb 92 17:21:07 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 7.S
I picked up the following stuff through
Todd Reese (todd@gwinnett.com)
who pulled it off dsc.cuties
----------------------------------------------------
Don't be too hard on our politicians. Many of them are doing the
work of two men--Laurel and Hardy!
-- Claude McDonald
--------------------------
Contributed by: ihuxi!ihuxd!grs
Paraphased from the bridge column of the LA Times 9-12-82
Have you ever wondered what the first game ever played was?
Some people think it was tennis, because early in the Bible
it says that "Joseph served in Pharoah's court".
Others believe it was baseball, since in Genesis it says:
"In the big inning ..."
There seems to be no doubt what the last game ever
played will be -- bridge, since at the end of the world
"Gabriel will play the last trump"
--------------------------
Knowledge is the only instrument of production that is not
subject to diminishing returns.
-- J.M. Clarke
--------------------------
Contributed by: ihnss!harpo!decvax!watmath!watarts!geo
Things you should know so this story will be funny:
(1) Venesuela is a *very* Catholic.
(2) Baked Potatoes sometimes explode if you don't pierce the skins
to let the steam escape.
My parents met, and got married while working in Venesuela for Shell Oil.
Shell provided their North American employees with North American houses,
Venesuelan maids, and a company store that sold North American food, like
potatoes.
My mother taught her maid how to prepare baked potatoes. In some families,
people poke the uncooked potatoes with a fork, other families cut an "X"
in them. In my family we cut an "X" in them.
Anyhow, one day my mother heard an explosion in the kitchen! She ran in
to see what was going on. The maid was hysterical, and there was baked
potatoe all over the oven.
"!Senhora!" she cried. "!I am so sorry, I knew how religious you were,
but this time I was in a hurry, and I didn't think God would notice..."
--------------------------
Contributed by: ihps3!ihuxl!ignatz
This doesn't address what people in other countries do with English-based
programming languages...but DOES touch what some do when they come to this
country...
Five years ago, I was a fresh college graduate with lotsa experience...in the
college environment. Thus, I took work where I could:
a) get experience, and
b) get paid a REAL salary.
Not necessarily in that order.
Thus, I took a job at an engineering consulting firm in Chicago--a Large one--
that will remain nameless. (I'm still on good terms with them, and wish to
remain so. Those familiar with the business will guess who the company is by
the fact that they handle most of Commonwealth Edison's nuclear power plant
blueprints, equipment lists, etc.) In any case, my work there was, primarily,
design and implementation of an interactive order monitoring and flow control
system on a PR1ME 300. In (shudder) COBOL. But, things being as they were, the
more senior members of the team immediately dumped undesirable jobs on the
newest member. Me. One that I inherited was a ten-year old set of inventory
programs, in COBOL, that no one fully understood anymore.
One fine day, I'm tracking down a user gripe--er, request--which took me
into a part of the package that, surprisingly, hadn't been looked at for
almost the entire life of the package; specifically, a group of about 10
routines, comprising about 10,000 lines of COBOL code. When I ran the listings
off and tried to read them, the fun began. You see, it seems the programmer
was well-trained for someone in the '60s; the code was all well-documented,
variable names made sense and were described in loving detail, and the code
itself was modular and interspersed with suitable comments.
All in Indian. You know, the curry-and-rice type.
That's right, 10,000+ lines of code, with nothing but keywords in English.
Fortunately, my officemate was Indian, and understood the dialect; between the
two of us, the program was changed to suit the ridiculous request of the user.
But neither of us had the time or fortitude to translate that glop on our own.
So, bringing the state of affairs to the attention of our team leader,
we awaited his enlightened decision. Which was:
"What? You're kidding me. Well...It hasn't been updated in 6 years. Just
leave it. Someone else will fix it. Don't mention this, OK???"
(Cigar pointed like .45) Right, sure, whatever you say.
Somewhere in this happy land the sun is burning bright...but in the bowels of
the Company machine lurks 10,000 lines of fine code for some bright, young,
idealistic person to find and...
Dave Ihnat
ihuxl!ignatz
--------------------------
The test of a first-fate intelligence is the ability to hold two
opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability
to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things
are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
--------------------------
Dear Mr. President:
The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new
form of transportation known as "railroads." ... As you may well
know, Mr. President, "railroad" carriages are pulled at the
enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by "engines" which, in
addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and
snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops,
scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The
Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at
such breakneck speed.
Martin Van Buren
Governor of New York
--------------------------
Think today's interest rates are high? The Pilgrims borrowed
$7000 from a London company of 70 investors in 1620, and devoted
the next 23 years to repaying it at 43 percent.
--L.M. Boyd
--------------------------
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger
one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.
-- Jim Fiebig.
--------------------------
HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
cabinet.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who
exercised.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down when you see a
pretty girl.
The little old gray-headed lady you help across the street is your
wife.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning
against the wrong wall.
-- Anonymous.
--------------------------
Contributed by gc49!egb
A clerk in battalion headquarters opened a document, initialed it,
and send it on to the commanding officer. It soon reappeared on his
desk with this notation: "You were not supposed to see this document.
Please erase your initials and initial the erasure."
--------------------------
All of the books in the world contain no more information than
is broadcast as video in a single large American cith in a single
year. Not all bits have equal value.
-- Carl Sagan
--------------------------
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked:
"Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second:
"Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and
watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People
started thinking I was the foreman."
--------------------------
The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our
wits to grow sharper.
-- Eden Phillpots
There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things
we don't know.
-- Ambrose Bierce.
--------------------------
As I grow older I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch
what they do.
-- Andrew Carnegie.
--------------------------
Predicted Fads for the 1990's
Naming children after money (e.g. Moolah Jones, Eurodollar Schwartz)
Pleas of not guilty by reason of demonic possession
-- S. Hamm, San Francisco, CA
Having your resume' done as a video.
-- Pat Cadigan, Overland Park, KS
The "Condensed Reader's Digest"
-- Richard Hopkins, Mississippi State, MS
John Travolta as James Bond
-- Thea Kilosseos, Los Angeles, CA
Restoring antique home computers
-- Clint Everett, San Diego, CA
--------------------------
Success comes in cans; failures in cant's.
Husband: "Darling, will you love me when I'm old and feeble?"
Spouse: "You bet I do"
--------------------------
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and
the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the
deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband
and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her
children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if
that's your pa."
--------------------------
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
To keep from falling, keep climbing.
--------------------------
A contented man is one who enjoys the scenery along the detour.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile
they know something.
--------------------------
An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning
and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue
ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a
new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and
announced: "It's a boy - six feet tall and 190 pounds!"
--------------------------
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe
everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
-- Alfred Korzybski
--------------------------
On his weekly visit to the general store in a small Idaho town, a
farmer asked the grizzled proprietor for some dynamite to blast a
few stumps from his fields. As the old-timer was getting the
dynamite from the shelf, the farmer asked if he could have it put
on his bill. "Well, friend," the proprietor said, "have you ever
use this stuff before?"
"Why no, this will be the first time," the farmer replied.
"Then," said the old-timer, "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to
pay cash."
-- Wayne Salisbury
--------------------------
Contributed by: clark!ejh
Here are some Soviet-Union Jokes:
3. A Soviet architect was on a trip abroad. A foreign architect invited
him to his home. He showed his Soviet guest around the house.
"This is the hall," he explained, "and this is the sitting room.
This is my study, those are the children's bedrooms, this is the
main bedroom, and this is a spare room for visitors.
Then there are the kitchen, the dining room, two bathrooms, and a
lavatory."
"It is a very good arrangement," said the Soviet guest.
"What sort of arrangement do you have?"
"Much the same, only without the partitions."
--------------------------
Science is to see what everyone else has seen
but think what no one else has thought.
-- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
--------------------------
Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!decvax!pur-ee!stocker
Little girl:
"Mother, are there skyscrapers in heaven?"
Mother:
"No dear, it takes engineers to build skyscrapers."
--------------------------
Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!decvax!pur-ee!stocker
Pilot to flight engineer:
"Where are we?"
Flight engineer:
"Due to my extensive training in calculus and trigonometry,
I have calculated our position to be three miles from infinity."
--------------------------
Teacher (warning her students against catching cold):
"I had a little brother seven years and one day he took his sled
out when it was too cold. He caught pneumonia and three days
later he died.
Silence for ten seconds
Voice from rear:
"Where's his sled?"
[child later went on to become an engineer]
--------------------------
Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!decvax!pur-ee!stocker
A sweet old lady, always eager to help the needy, spied a particularly
sad looking old man [probably an out-of-word engineer] standing on
a street corner. She walked over to him, pressed two dollars in his
hand and said, "Chin up!"
The next day, on the same corner, the sad old man shuffled up to the
lady and slipped ten dollars into her hand.
"Nice picking," he said in a low voice. "He paid nine to one."
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