From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Reply-to: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Organization: XSoft (A Xerox Company)
Date: 22 Nov 91 15:34:48 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life 7.M
----------------------------------------------------
On the door of a cafeteria office:
PLEASE USE THIS DOOR TO FILL OUT AN APPLICATION
and someone added...
I'D RATHER USE A PEN
----------------------------------------------------
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every 3
months for about 5 years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were
up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni
Association. Once, when checking his records, the (blonde?) asked, "Is
xxx-xxxx your current phone number?
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He
hasn't heard from them since.
----------------------------------------------------
there was a tv show on recently where a lot of people were intensively
researching the question "what is the density of wolves in minnesota?"
i couldn't understand what all the fuss was about.
all they have to do is catch one and throw it in a pool.
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From: Bob.Underdown@f1040.n391.z1.FidoNet.Org (Bob Underdown)
The first bathtub was invented in 1850. The phone wasn't invented
until 1875. A lucky guy could have spent 25 years in the tub without
the phone ringing once!
----------------------------------------------------
From: meo@frord.austin.ibm.com (Miles ONeal)
New punch line for old joke
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill
a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."
----------------------------------------------------
From: durway@rtp.dg.com (Lindsey Durway)
Subject: Funny FrameMaker message
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.folklore.computers
Someone just told me about this one, so I went and verified. It's
another case of development slipping one past the "suits:"
When the spelling checker of FrameMaker 2.1 encounters the word
Interleaf in a document, it flags it as a misspelling. What does
it offer as the correct spelling? "FrameMaker"!
(FYI, FrameMaker and Interleaf are competing documentation products.)
----------------------------------------------------
From: rivero@dev8a.mdcbbs.com
The song,"Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British Soldiers to insult
the colonialists ( which was typical of the British in those days). The
Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British ( which was
typical of the colonialists).
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From: zai@brain.nalchik.su
Last tour of Bolshoy Theatre through United States finished unusually.
All artists came back to Soviet Union.
----------------------------------------------------
From: lkozin@logovaz.msk.su (Lev Kozinsky)
1. At three o'clock in the morning the telephone rings.
The sleeping voice is asking:
- Hello ?
- Is this 2-29-33 ?
- You are a mad man. I haven't got a telephone at all.
3. The fireman was passing an exam to enter music school.
He was asked:
- What is the difference between violin and piano ?
After some thinking the fireman answered:
- The piano is burning longer.
----------------------------------------------------
From: mar@geos.msk.su (Tshebletsov Victor V.)
A movie actress has just remarried her first husband. It must
have been his turn again.
* * *
"Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that
you, fat fellows are always good-natured?"
"We have to be," answered Bob. You see we can't either fight
or run."
* * *
"It must be terrible for an opera singer to realise that he can
never sing again."
"Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realise it."
* * *
"This is an ideal spot for picnic."
"It must be. Fifty million insects can't be wrong."
* * *
"What is your worst sin?"
"My vanity. I spend hours before the mirrow admiring my beauty."
"That isn't vanity, my dear, that's imagination."
* * *
An angry man wrote the following letter:
"Sir, my stenographer,being a lady, cannot tipe what I think
of you. I, being a gentleman, cannot think it. You, being neither,
will understand what I mean."
* * *
(At a restaurant) "No soup, please, I've just had my suit cleaned!"
* * *
"Now that we are married, perhaps I can point out a few of your
defects."
"Don't bother, dear, I know all about them. It's those defects
that kept me from getting a better man than you."
* * *
Uncle: Well, my little man, what are you going to do when you
grow up?
Nephew: I'm going to grow a beard.
Uncle: What for?
Nephew: So I won't have so much face to wash.
* * *
"My wife is very hard to please."
"But she wasn't always that way."
"How do you know?"
"Why, she married you, didn't she?"
* * *
Professor: I'm dismissing you ten minutes earlier today. Please
get out quietly not to wake up the other classes.
* * *
"Purely by accident, I've made one of the greatest discoveries,"
said the scientist.
"May I asked what it was?"
"I found that by keeping a bottle of ink handy you can use
a fountain pen just like any other pen - without all the trouble
of filling it."
* * *
"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said
the husband.
"Yes, several," the wife replied.
"Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did."
* * *
The family quarrel had reached its height.
"I wish I'd taken my mother's advice and never married you,"
cried the wife.
"Do you mean to tell me that your mother tried to stop you
marrying me?"
The wife nodded.
"Good heavens! How I've wronged that woman!"
----------------------------------------------------
From: miklg@acuson.com (Michael Goldman )
Subject: Econ 101
Got this from sci.econ - use it to cram for your econ tests:
Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
gives you part of the milk.
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and
gives it to your neighbor.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
sells you the milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
then shoots you.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes both of them,
shoots one, milks the other, and then pours the milk
down the drain.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.
Anarchy: You have two cows. They decide you have no right to
do anything with their milk and leave to form their
own society.
Industrialism: You have two cows. You dissect them both,
and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.
Centralism: You have two cows. And a problem finding them
in the middle of field with 100,000,000 others.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. You recycle the milk
and give it back to the cows.
Democracy: You have two cows. The vote is held, and they
win.
----------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of a commedian (Wes King?) who was very apt at making
sound effects using a microphone. He had a mic with an amp in his car
with the speaker under his front grill. At one time he was travelling
through a small town consistently at 2 and 3 in the morning on his way
home and he would make the sound of a steam train travelling all the way
through this town. He drove those people crazy... they didn't have any
train tracks in that town. He saw a local newspaper article about
people searching for the ghost train and missing tracks!
Now there's a practical joke!
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff from t-robtp@ingate.microsoft's collection:
----------------------------------------------------
[Paraphrased from a column in the Washington Post National Weekly
Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis
to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office.
Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of
him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to
the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk. The clerk issues
President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the
clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have
vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has
happened. "Simple", says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no else has to."
-------------------------
[forwards removed]
COMPUTER FIRM ACCUSED OF CREATIVE BOOKKEEPING
Federal regulators allege in a lawsuit that 16 former
executives of MiniScribe Corporation altered company
books and disguised bricks as computer disk drives to
inflate the company's profits.
The action filed Wednesday by the Securities and Exchange
Commission............
-------------------------
Now that the Soviet coup has failed we can relax and have fun.
How about predicting tomorrow's headlines. Here are a few of my
ideas:
NY Times: Coup fails. Gorbachev returned to power.
Variety: Merci beacoup - Coup Boo Boo - Plotters in deep doo doo.
any academic journal: The failed coup: A meta-statistical analysis
of multi-variate factors leading to the
failure of the 1991 Soviet coup.
Cosmopolitan: Does your man have what it takes: A coup plotter quiz.
PC Week: Coup plotters used Lotus 1-2-3.
National Enquirer: I am carrying Yanavev's love child.
The Sun: Elvis sighted at Red Square.
Micronews ad: Eight Soviet dacchas available. Email t-gorby.
No phone calls please.
-------------------------
St. Paul, MN
The hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting
burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy.
Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old
Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.
Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he
heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being
cut.
"I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said
Thursday. "I went...into the dining room, where I saw
him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand
in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come
in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I
could."
The man ran. Ryan called 911.
Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time,
did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a
bad guy.
==========
Inverness, FL
A 71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an
alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from
watching wildlife programs on television, helped him
escape.
"I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said
George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by
jabbing his thumb in its eye.
Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as
Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general
behavior.
He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into
the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit
him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the
water three times before Blinn escaped.
Bangkok, Thailand
A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways
International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive
stewardesses.
"We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are
not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal
Kaset Rojananil said.
In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been
hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding:
"Intelligent women tend not to be good looking."
==========
This first item comes from MicroSoftie JayG:
Comedienne Judy Tenuta:
"They have a philosophy course that prepares you for the Post
Office. It's called 'I Think, Therefore I Am Overqualified."
==========
This next item comes from MicroSoftie RussGr:
A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had
previously pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury--eight
women and four men--had been seated and the trial was under
way, the defendant switched his plea.
"Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to
plead 'guilty'?"
"No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't
know women would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I
know I can't fool eight of them."
==========
This next item comes from Willamette U.'s J. Wettern:
According to last night's ABC evening news, the Soviet Interior
Ministry is now accepting bids for the well preserved body of ----
---- Lenin!
The minimum bid is $ 15 million.
==========
Seen in the comic strip "Herman":
Scene: doctor talking to a patient lying in a hospital bed
"Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right."
==========
Bellevue, WA
On Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple
arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and
taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.
The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and
disturbing the peace, but not assault.
They each injured themselves and not the other.
It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were
taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the
wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so
drunk that they couldn't feel the pain.
==========
New York, NY
Police across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to
be on the lookout for the latest scam.
According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by
a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix
540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on
their phone bill.
The call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into
a 900 "pay-per-call" system which allows the charge to be added
to the phone bill.
"People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me
from out of state? It must be important,"" said an investigator.
==========
This next item comes from MicroSoftie, KenHo:
In his press conference, Mikhail Gorbachev told the story of how
all his communications with the World were cut off by the
leaders of the coup. During this isolation and house arrest,
Gorbachev found an old radio. The clearest broadcasts that he
could receive were from the BBC and Voice of America. They
were his source for world news for the duration of the crisis.
Ironic that the President of the Soviet Union had to rely on
broadcasts from the West to find out what was going on in his
country, the same as Soviet citizens have done for several
decades.
==========
Bellevue, WA
There's a story circulating through the Bellevue School District
about the woman who called wanting information on home
schooling.
Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are
noted for their support of home schoolers, and the Bellevue
spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the
mother on the telephone.
Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of
intent, a kind of home school registration. The spokeswoman
offered to send out the proper form.
The mother gave a Renton address.
The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home
district in Renton, the Lake Washington School District.
"No way," said the mother. "Everyone knows Bellevue schools
are much better than Renton schools."
----------------------------------------------------
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