From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Reply-to: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Organization: XSoft (A Xerox Company)
Date: 8 Nov 91 15:19:21 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life 7.L
----------------------------------------------------
New Steve Wright jokes:
"I was skydiving horizontally"
"When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a
closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
practice"
----------------------------------------------------
John Q. Adams wished that his portraitists would paint him as
he truely was rather than as he looked.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Arnie's next movie
Actually, I heard he was going to play an English professor. The movie is
called "Conan the Grammarian."
----------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of a joke by Jerry Sadowicz (sp?) :
"I'm NOT paranoid....... Oh yes, I know you all _think_ I am ...."
----------------------------------------------------
"I used to be paranoid -- but not any more. I moved to New York.
----------------------------------------------------
I'm a paranoid schitzophrenic .... I'm after me!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
From: Sparky@mindlink.bc.ca (Gene Kruper)
THE 10 IF'S YOU NEED TO KNOW TO GET ALONG AT WORK (office)
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clunks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5) If it's the Boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) if it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's friday, FORGET IT!!!
----------------------------------------------------
From: krauss@oktext.sbc.com (M S Krauss)
Here is what I have on my machine:
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of sending and
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot
tub and the carpets are clean. They give to charity through the
office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with
me leave your name and number and they will get back to you or
add you to my list.
I have never had to return a call to a tele-marketer yet, they
never leave their number.
If you can use it, enjoy it.
----------------------------------------------------
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The
senior who knew the recipe graduated.
----------------------------------------------------
From: gwharvey@lescsse.jsc.nasa.gov (Greg Harvey)
My other favorite is a sight gag...an Aggie happens across a
professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. The
Aggie, says, "Professor, what _are_ you doing?"
The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy
with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than
theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't
you try it!"
The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control
the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then,
all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth
makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through
his gills.
(do this in front of a mirror for full effect!)
----------------------------------------------------
q: There's a five pound note on the floor.
Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who
keeps bad time picks it up?
a: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and the
thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
----------------------------------------------------
A sign on the back of a building abutting the railway.
GOD DOES NOT EXI____
I often wondered what happened.
----------------------------------------------------
-"My family is angry with me because I like pancakes."
-"Why ? A lot of people like pancakes; I like them too."
-"Really ? Do you want to see my collection ? I have more than 700."
----------------------------------------------------
[Recycle: 2:39pm Nov 21, 1984 by suhre@trwrba]
A police officer in a small town sopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began,
"I can explain--"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say--"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
----------------------------------------------------
Didja know...
That if you painted all the cars in the U.S. red that youd have a.......
Red Carnation!
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
----------------------------------------------------
There is a new band in Russia called "New Tanks on the Block"!
----------------------------------------------------
From: kallen@cs.utk.edu (Karl Allen)
A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to
heaven. When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life,
you may enter heaven."
"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what
kind of other people are here?"
"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, some," said St. Peter.
"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any Nazis in heaven? asked the man.
"Just a few," said St. Peter.
"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"
----------------------------------------------------
An old man is leaving the Soviet Union, bound for Israel. He reaches the
border, and the guard reaches into the man's bag, pulling out a bust of
Lenin.
"What is this?", asked the guard.
"Don't say, 'What is this', say 'WHO is this?'! This is Lenin! He
made my life wonderful! I LOVE Lenin!". So the guard allowed the man to pass.
The old man got to Israel. There, the guard found the bust of
Lenin, and asked, "What is this?". The old man laughed and said, "Don't say
'What is this', say 'WHO is this?'! This is LENIN! He made my life a
living hell! I HATE Lenin!" So the guard let the man pass.
The old man finally reached his relatives in Israel, and while he
was unpacking, his cousin found the bust. "Who is this?".
"Don't say 'WHO is this', say 'What is this?'! It's ten kilos of solid
gold!"
----------------------------------------------------
Russian Federation President Boris Yeltsin, responding to a question
from a U.S. television viewer on 70 years of communism:
``I think this experiment which was conducted on our soil was a
tragedy for our people, and it was too bad that it happened on our
territory.''
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Few Russian jokes
From: BOBROV@gamma.srcc.msu.su (Ivan V. Bobrov)
First of them was popular 5-6 years ago.
Question:
How to fill refrigerator, if all shops are empty?
Answer:
Connect it to TV-broadcast.
Second is popular now:
In the food shop:
Buyer:
Weigh me 1 kilogramm of food, please.
Saler:
Bring it here and we'll weigh it.
----------------------------------------------------
1.A:Hello, may I speak to Vasja?
B:Sorry, He is out now. What can I transfer to him.
A:Please, transfer 3 rubles to him.
2.A:Hello, I'd like to call Rabinovitch.
B:Rabinovitch who: the youngest or eldest?
A:Eldest, please.
B:They both are dead.
----------------------------------------------------
06 September 1861 - Friday
Brig. Gen. Ulysses Grant occupies Paducah, Ky. with two regiments and
one battery. By afternoon the city was secured and Grant return to
Cairo. Before he left, Grant read a proclamation assuring the locals
of the troops peaceful intentions. In his words, "This was evidently
a relief to them; but the majority would have much preferred the
presence of the other army."
Skirmishes took place at Rowell's Run, WV and at Monticello Bridge, Mo.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Just how dumb can you get
Many years ago (about 10?), I heard (I believe it was on the radio) about
some would-be burglars who:
o accosted an elderly man in his home, demanding that he give them `the
drugs,'
o eventually had to be satisfied with his nitroglycerine tablets,
o made off after ripping an electric can-opener off the wall, thinking it
was a telephone,
o got lost in the back roads of Florida,
o found what looked like a toll-booth for the turnpike, and thumbed their
noses (or made other rude gestures) at the attendant as they
o roared past the `toll-booth' into the military base.
----------------------------------------------------
There was a story in the Sydney Morning Herald a few weeks back about a robber
who held up a bank, took all the cash from customers, and then walked over to
a teller and had her deposit it in his account. The police were waiting for
him when he got home.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: I won this cup - Mata Driver
Two MDs meet. One has a shiny new cup, the sort of which u get when having won
something.
- What is that cup then?
- Fab ey? I won it in the MD Maths Contest. They asked what 7 + 7 is.
I said 12 and got 3rd place!
An MD is waiting at the traffic lights for them to turn green ...
Going past on the pavement is someone in a motorised wheelchair. The MD asks:
- How fast does your chair go, ey?
- About 4mph or so.
- Ey, man, ey, ya can just as well go on foot ...
An MD goes into a bank.
- Ey, give me 1000 DM, I've got to lower my Manta.
- Certainly, says the bank person, Please sign here.
- I sign nothing, says the MD.
- Then you must got to another bank.
MD in the second bank.
- Ey, give me 1000 DM, I wanna lower my Manta.
- Fine sir, just sign here.
- I won't sign anything!
- Sorry, then you will have to try another bank.
MD in a third bank.
- Ey, give me 1000 DM, My Manta needs lowering.
- Certainly sir, just sign here please.
- I sign nothing, says the MD.
The bank person stands up, goes round the table and BANK, BANK, BANK, BANK,
beats the MD's head on the table.
- Ok stop it, I'll sign, says the MD and gets his 1000 MD.
Then he goes back to the second bank.
- Look 'ere, I got that money, ey, he says to the bank person.
- And did you sign?
- Yer sure, but he explained it properly to me first!!!!
Q: Have you heard that the missing like between man and apes has been found?
A: Homo Manta Erectus.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Russian Math
Saw this one on a professor's door:
The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
----------------------------------------------------------------
1960's
------
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price. What is his profit?
1970's
------
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit?
1970's (New Math)
-----------------
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality
of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big
dots representing the elements of M.
The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M.
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the
cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).
1980's
------
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his
profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.
1990's
------
A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst
and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and
than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.
----------------------------------------------------
From: richard@fwi.uva.nl (Richard Carels)
Subject: Re: funny .signatures
Send a self-addressed stamped envelope, and I will mail my signature to you
---
DISCLAIMER: Any opinions expressed above are mine, and not those of the
Air Force or the U.S. Government. I filled out form 19842-J, Request
for Official Opinions, when I first joined the AF, but it's only been
three years, so I don't expect them to finish processing the form for at
least another two. Till then you're all stuck with my opinions.
---
There's one big difference between genius and stupidity. Genius has limits.
---
`I have read your article, Mr. Johnson, and I am no wiser than when I
started.' -- `Possibly not, sir, but far better informed.'
---
It's said that only 10 people on the whole world understood
Einstein. I'm so brilliant that nobody understands me at all.
---
Should you understand this article, please contact
me. I shall gladly explain it until you don't.
---
The good news: I had a six-figure income last year :-)
The bad news: That includes the pennies :-(
---
Disclaimer: I think that disclaimers are an incredibly sad statement about our
society. Nonetheless, nothing that I say can or should be construed as having
been said by anyone. Ever.
---
These opinions are shareware
If you like them, send $10..
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: from VICIOUS CIRCLES AND INFINITY: An Anthology of Paradoxes
Every exit is an entry somewhere else: Tom Stoppard
What happens to your fist when you open your hand?: Zen Buddhism
Mr. X was disappointed to find no suggestion box in the clubhouse
because he would like to put a suggestion in it about having one.
"The candidate had allowed television cameras into his hotel suite to
watch him watch television."
You get the best view of Paris from the Eiffel Tower, because you can't
see the Eiffel Tower from there.
"My friend Jones will vouch for me." "How do we know that he can be
trusted?" "Oh, I assure you he can."
P.S. If you don't receive this letter, it must have miscarried:
therefore I beg you to write and let me know.
In a philosophical dispute, he gains most who is defeated, since he
learns most: Epicurus
Boredom -- the desire for desires: Leo Tolstoy
Many would be cowards if they had courage enough: Thomas Fuller
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion: Parkinson's
Law
The French for London is Paris: Ionesco
It is as if I were attempting to trace with the point of a pencil the
shadow of the tracing pencil: Nathaniel West
-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-
**
A young and studious monk went to his teacher and said,
"Teach me all about the Buddha nature." His teacher pushed him
on the ground. The next day the student returned to his teacher,
saying, "I am wiser today than yesterday. Teach me about the
Buddha nature." The teacher clobbered him again.
This went on for days until finally the young student
could stand it no more. He tearfully left the monastery and
went back to his temple at home. There he told the chief monk what
had happened. The chief monk said, "You are really stupid! That
monk was kinder to you than a grandmother!"
The young student went back to the monastery, and found
his teacher. He threw the teacher on the ground. His teacher got
up and said, "Now I will teach you about the Buddha nature."
**
One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out
of the net! How will it live?" The other said, "When you have
gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."
**
A monk, taking a bamboo stick, said to the people,
"If you call this a stick, you fall into the trap of words,
but if you do not call it a stick, you contradict facts.
So what do you call it?"
At that time a monk in the assembly came forth.
He snatched the stick, broke it in two, and threw the pieces
across the room.
**
A monk sat with his three students. He took out his
fan and placed it in front of him, saying, "Without calling
it a fan, tell me what this is."
The first said, "You couldn't call it a slop-bucket."
The master poked him with his stick.
The second picked up the fan and fanned himself. He too
was rewarded with the stick.
The third opened the fan, laid a piece of cake on it,
and served it to his teacher. The teacher said, "Eat your cake."
**
The chief monk at the monastery was looking for someone
to replace him. He called the monks together and placed in front
of them a water bottle. He said, "Without calling this a water
bottle, tell me what it is."
One monk said, "You couldn't call it a block of wood."
Another poured himself a drink.
Just then the cook walked into the room and kicked the water
bottle over. The cook was made head of the monastery.
**
Two sages were standing on a bridge over a stream.
One said to the other, "I wish I were a fish. They are
so happy." The other replied, "How do you know whether
fish are happy or not? You're not a fish." The first
said, "But you're not me, so how do you know whether or
not I know how fish feel?"
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page