From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III) Reply-to: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com Organization: XSoft (A Xerox Company) Date: 30 Oct 91 17:21:34 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 7.K ---------------------------------------------------- Two program managers go out hunting together and stumble upon some tracks. "Those are bear tracks!" says one of them excitedly. "No they aren't," says the other, "those are elk tracks." So the two start arguing about what kind of tracks they are, and while they're arguing, they get run over by a train. ---------------------------------------------------- This ad appeared in a local paper: MALE, 28, attractive, uncultured, absolute boor, financial failure, seeks similar woman, 20-32 for meaningless relationship. Silly replies only please. ---------------------------------------------------- Mikhail Gorbachev was on vacation at his summer home in the Crimea when his close advisors placed him under house arrest and staged a coup. Upon hearing the news at his summer home in Kennebunkport, President Bush rushed back to Washington, cutting his vacation short. Looks like Bush learned at least one lesson from recent events. ---------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Russia and the UK? The UK has a communist party... Now that the USSR is getting democracy do you think the British could have some? ---------------------------------------------------- As far as i know that's true of most former Warsaw Pact countries, except for Hungary, where it's the cops because after WWII the only people allowed into policing were those unable to do anything else. No kidding. Hence: Two cops are standing at a busy intersection in Budapest. Map in hand, a tourist drives up and asks "Schprechen Sie Deutch?". The cops shake their heads. The tourist asks "Parlez vous Francais?", with the same result. This goes on for a half a dozen languages, after which the visitor shrugs and drives off. "Maybe i should learn another language" said the younger cop. "What for?" replied the older one, "This guy knew six of them and it did him no good". ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: A friend of a friend, of a friend... A friend of mine from Germany is married to an Irish gal, who a few years ago was selling her old, decrepit car to a junk dealer. Before he came to pick it up, she wanted to recover the petrol left in the tank and decided to use -- right, her vacuum cleaner. Needless to say, the vacuum cleaner didn't survive the explosion, while she got off with a few burns. ---------------------------------------------------- From: sequent!sjcon!ltl@uunet.uu.net (Larry Lopez) (Try to sound like a baseball announcer) "Were back at Candlestick, Dodgers and Giants are tied in the bottom of the ninth inning, two out. [Your name] is at bat. Righetti to the wind up, the pitch, and it's a drive to deep left! Kevin Mitchell's back, to the wall, and he makes a leaping catch and [your name] is out! Yes, [your name] is out, but would be happy to return your call if you leave a message. ---------------------------------------------------- Sender: John G. Williams:sbd-e:rx writing on slate with a steel chisel is 10x faster than using a piece of flint! that doesnt mean steel chisels are the best instrument for writing. Computing is a comparitively new discipline. I do not believe we have yet developed anything approaching the right tools for programming. ---------------------------------------------------- From: shoulson@ctr.columbia.edu (Mark Shoulson) I heard this from a friend, David Kra. He says it's original: Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic? A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door. ---------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 2 Sep 91 09:05:43 PDT From: Allan.Meers@ebay.sun.com (Allan Meers - Sun Education/Professional Services) Subject: Herb Caen on Computerized Radar From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle, via Mike Seibel and Brad Templeton: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture -- of handcuffs. ---------------------------------------------------- From Release 1.0, 31 July 1991, p. 13: Juan & Alice do hypertext R&D Alice: Do you think anyone has ever made links like this before? Juan: Not to worry. A few weeks of development and testing can often save an afternoon in the library. ---------------------------------------------------- Steve Boswell | This opinion is distributed in the hopes that it whatis@ucsd.edu | will be useful, but without any warranty... When I was in 1st grade I remember reading a vitamin bottle: "For children under 4 years old and children 4 years old or over." That I should be introduced to the pervasive stupidity of the world at such an early age... My kindergarten teacher also didn't know if the "US" on mailboxes stood for "United States" or "us", as in "our mail"... ---------------------------------------------------- From Victor Schwartz's collection: ---------------------------------------------------- "Dumb" Dalmation shows how smart he is. NEWPORT, S.C. (AP) - A boy says he and his kitten were saved from a fire by a family pet not noted for his brains. Dirk Tanis, 15, said he fell asleep Saturday after starting to cook and awoke to the family Dalmatian, Spuds, biting his hand. Flames were touching the kitchen ceiling, the microwave was melting and smoke filled the house. Dirk ran from the house and called 911. Meanwhile, he said, Spuds grabbed Gizmo, a 5-month old kitten, by the scruff of the neck and took her out of the house. "We always talk about how dumb he (Spuds) is," said Tanis' mother, Gay. "We didn't think he would have the presence of mind to do something like that." ------------------- Following-up on TFD #3, Warren James contributes the following line, appearing on the license plate frame on his Mazda: "The Grey Poupon is in my other car." ------------------- Martin Cooper reports two unusual appliances listed in the classified ads in a local newspaper: Freezer for big family. $450. [Not what I use my freezer for...] Apartment size refrigerator. $175. [A lot bigger than I'll ever need!] ------------------- (Today's "Thought" was contributed by Guy Robinson, from the "Backbytes" page of the 5 September issue of "Computing":) Computer companies are renowned as pretty ruthless operators. But even Backbytes was shocked during a recent meeting with Groupe Bull. A Bull supremo was expounding the virtues of the company's Unix-based secure operating system, Scomp. Apparently, the system has been awarded the US Government's second-highest security classification, the legendary A2. The best that off-the-shelf Unix can manage is a miserable B1. "We could have gone for A1 level security," explained the guru. "But we would have to shoot the programmers afterwards and we didn't think that would be fair." ------------------- (From the "Selling It" column in the August issue of Consumer Reports:) In a sales letter sent to physicians, the Lynn Medical Instrument Co. offered an electronic heart monitor. What struck the physician who sent the letter along to us was the boast that the unit "allows for early detection of sudden cardiac death." We're wondering how much the deceased will appreciate that feature. ------------------- (Another item from the "Selling It" column of the August issue of Consumer Reports:) A can of Del Monte creamed corn says on the label that it "contains no artificial additives or preservatives." Another message, some distance lower, says "Contains Recycled Steel." Given the choice, we'd take the additives. ------------------- (Roy Ogus contributes the following, from a recent Herb Caen column:) ... Cartoonist Bob Gumpertz, hearing that Baskins-Robbins will open branches in Russia, puns valiantly, "Will that give them most flavored nation status?"... ------------------- (The following item was contributed by Herb Kanner at Apple, and comes from the July 1991 issue of (ACM's) Software Engineering Notes.) An ancient method for assuring software quality (from Martin Minow) Is it possible that the solution to the software quality crisis was discovered in Korea in the 15th century? The following is from Daniel J. Boorstin, "The Discoverers" quoting, apparently, Kim Won-Yong, "Early Movable Type in Korea" (1954): "The supervisor and compositor shall be flogged thirty times for an error per chapter; the printer shall be flogged thirty times for bad impression, either too dark or too light, of one character per chapter." Boorstin continues, "This helps explain both the reputation for accuracy earned by the earliest Korean imprints and the difficulty that Koreans found in recruiting printers." ---------------------------------------------------- The following are from Spaf's (Gene Spafford) collection ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Santa Last night, for some reason I was thinking about Santa Claus and I had an incredible realization. Consider the following: * You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants" * Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire * Santa doesn't really do the work -- he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work * Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week * Santa travels a lot Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure! ------------------- Seen in USA Today: What do you get when you cross IBM & Apple? IBM. ------------------- From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu Subject: cutie (Found in Bill Kirby's "Piney Woods Wit" column, Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga 20 June 1991) A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen." ------------------- Subject: Space Aliens & cows To: techsup!trsvax!microsoft!decwrl!mejac!eniac (Eniac Mailing List) a followup on space alien cows... From: newcomb@world.std.com (Donald R Newcomb) ]From: Huw Jonathan Rogers [huw@spls5.ccs.mt.nec.co.jp] ] Various farmers in a certain area of the US (I forget the state ]that was mentioned) regularly discovered bloodless (drained) cattle in ]various stages of dismemberment in the early morning. These animals had ]had certain glands, body parts, or body fluids surgically removed with a ]precision beyond the capabilities of all but the most advanced surgical ]laboratories. This problem was so bad that in one place a farmer was in ]danger of going bust due to loss of cattle. One explanation advanced was that ]aliens were using these cattle as a convenient source of various rare ]chemicals/tissues. I hate to see this line start on sci.military and feel worse about dignifying it with a comment. My brother runs a meat packing plant in the midwest. About 1983 cattle were being frequently found dead in the fields with parts "surgically removed." UFOs, or Satin worshipers were blamed. It was frequently on the evening news. When I asked my brother about it, he laughed and explained: 1. Like other businessmen, ranchers and cattlemen have production insurance. Cattle insurance covers abnormal losses, the barn burns, truckload of cattle runs off cliff, plane crashes into heard, rustlers, space aliens and satinists. It does not cover normal "range death" due to disease, lightning, snake bite, leg broken in praire dog burrow, etc. Range death is a normal production loss. 2. A dead cow is worth less than nothing. It can't be sold for human consumption. Even the rendering plants will charge to pick one up. A "range dead" cow can represent a $1000 loss to a rancher. A "UFO dead" cow is covered by insurance. 3. The incidence of cattle lost to "UFO death" is directly related to the willingness of the local authorities to play the game. When the insurance companies plot the payouts for "UFO death" on a map, it clearly shows that the UFOs will stop right at county lines, showing greater respect for law enforcement in rural county vs another. Odd that aliens from 1000 light years away will show such concern over a county line. 4. Ranchers "play the game" well. When ever a stranger asks about cattle death, the ranchers spin long winded tails of lights in the sky, government scientists etc. Just don't ask to see if there is any dried blood on his pocket knife. In short the whole idea of space aliens being responsible for cattle death is utter nonsense! Driblig Zorg Institute of Xenobiological Research Alpha Centauri (driblig@xeno.ac.alphac.mw) ------------------- From: tjc@castle.edinburgh.ac.uk (A J Cunningham) These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I'm not sure where I stand on the copyright issue. Tony Cunningham "...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'" "a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program" "You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler" "This struct already has a perfectly good definition" "Huh ?" "This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message" "Too many errors on one line (make fewer)" "Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer" ------------------- Date: Sat, 10 Aug 91 02:54:22 PDT From: ho (Hilarie Kauiolani Orman) Subject: Future Risks TINY BUG IN H.S. "GENOME" CAUSES MASSIVE HUMANITY FAILURE Officials responsible for a spiral galaxy near the middle section of the universe revealed today that a small error in an encoding for the life form "Homo sapiens" was responsible for the near extinction of the partly intelligent species. The change had been introduced during routine maintenance of the life form. Officials explained that the maintenance had been intended to improve the survivability of the species, but inadequate testing had caused it to become suspectible to a new sexually transmitted disease. Senior universe officials expressed disappointment in the control of the life forms in the galaxy, citing a series of malfunctions, especially near a yellow star at the edge. The H.S. species has required several patches in the field and still seems unstable. The latest change was not tested in alternative universes due to lax controls and lack of funding. Other officials cited inadequate specification and design review. "How can we guarantee that the species works without a formal definition of what it is?" lamented one senior observer. "These things just look like collections of cells - they just sort of grow. There's no mathematical model that can be used to verify it. I don't see how they ever got it started in the first place." Insiders feel that the species can be rescued, but expressed doubt about its long-term viability. The estimate of the time needed for a thorough review of the documentation, writing the formal specifications, and verifying the genome encoding, expressibility, and environmental testing, is greater than the lifetime of the universe. Meanwhile, yet another mutation and alteration of the local laws of physics will be required to back out of this particular upgrade. With funding already stretched, this setback might just spell the end of H.S. The formally verified Vulcan species, originally slated for production next year, has been delayed due to a series of technical problems and is now scheduled for beta testing after the next big bang.
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