Date: 10 Oct 91 09:33:15 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life 7.J
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Why do blondes drive VW's
Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A "I wonder if it's mine?"
Q: why don't employers give blondes coffee breaks?
A: it takes too long to re-train them.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.
Why don't blonde's make KoolAid?
Because they have trouble fitting eight quarts in the little package.
Q : How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A : Tell them a joke on Friday night !
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.
What will she ask you?
"Is it mine?"
What's it called when a blond(e) blows in another one's ear?
Data transfer.
What do you call a blond(e) between two brunettes?
A mental block.
Why did the blond(e) get fired from the M&M factory?
(S)He kept on throwing out the "w"s.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
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selections from Blonde jokes collected by Steve_Hooper@mindlink.bc.ca (Steve Hooper)
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side)
I dunno!
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The
brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
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Mr Cody was a well-known rector of a protestand church. One day
he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting
in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks
at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he
asks:
-Where in Hell have I seen you before?
Cody:
-I don't know. Which part of Hell are you from?
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I live in Phoenix, Arizona and you know about the summers here.
Yesterday I saw a Sticker on a car:
"I AM NOT SACRED OF HELL. I LIVE IN ARIZONA"
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"Only in Oakland would a guy get a nine minute standing ovation for
stealing something."
-
Herb Caen, S.F. Chronicle quoting a local radio announcer 5/3/91
-
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As is well recorded in the fortune cookie database on BSD UNIX, we have:
Ginsberg's theorems:
1. You can't win
2. You can't break even
3. You can't quit the game
Freeman's commentary on Ginsberg's theorems:
Every major philosophy attempts to make life meaningful by contradicting
one of Ginsberg's theorems. To wit:
1. Capitalism: You _CAN_ win.
2. Communism: You _CAN_ break even.
3. Hari Krishna: You _CAN_ quit the game.
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Andecdote #3, told by Greg Benford: At an Oxford college, they were
debating what to do with all their money. The concensus was to buy land,
since "for the past thousand years, land has proven to be a very wise
investment for the college."
The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand years have
been atypical."
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"Your editorials recall to mind a story of long ago. Edward Everrett Hale
was for a season, perhaps longer, chaplain of the House at Washington. His
son asked, "Father, how can you pray for those Congressmen?" The reply
was: "My son, I look at them, and then pray for our country." - "E.K.H.",
in a letter to the New York Times
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Skydivers often take their parachutes on commercial flights as carry-on
luggage because of their value and poor handling of baggage by the airlines.
This practice has been known to lead to a few misunderstandings:
A jumper had checked in and was headed for his flight with his rig over
his shoulder. At the X-ray machine, the new hire inspector had no idea
what she was looking at and demanded that he open the container for
inspection. Well the jumper argued and supervisors were called and
pilots were contacted, etc. The jumper finally convinced everyone that
he was not a threat and was allowed to board with his parachute.
During this process, an older gentleman at the X-ray machine overheard
the conversation. It turns out the gentleman was seated across the
isle from the jumper on the same flight. The elder fellow turned to
his wife and said "Martha, that fella has a parachute in that backpack"
pointing to the rig as the jumper placed it under the seat.
The ol' lady, disbelieving what she had just been told, turned to the
jumper and said, "Pardon me young man, but is that *really* a parachute?".
The jumper, somewhat miffed at the airline over the whole episode,
turned to the woman and said, "Yes it is, ma'am. Didn't they give you
yours?"
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It's said that one evening when Thomas Edison was in NY City, someone took him
for a walk down Broadway. He seemed very, very pleased.
His guide remarked that Edison seemed to enjoy the tour even more than the
guide had expected.
Edison responded, "Yes. I've enjoyed this evening tremendously. You see,
I've always wanted to see my light up in names."
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Q: What's the shortest book ever written?
A: 1000 years of German Humor.
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Q: What's the shortest book ever written?
O.K. that book may be short. But which three books will never be published ?
1. U.S. American Culture.
2. Fine Foods from Great Britain.
3. Italian Hero Tales.
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People don't hate transplanted New Yorkers because they're from New York.
They hate them because they didn't stay in New York.
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I went to USC this morning doing my library search for articles on user
interfaces. I saw rows of computers set there for on-line data base
browsing. I sat there, logged in, chose Computer Science category,
typed in "user interface" as key word for subject and I got a list of
"hit records". One of the records says this: "Title: Do It Yourself ---
Repairing Broken Windows."
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I was taking a take-home exam in a class at Stanford. The instructions said
"You are expected to abide by the Stanford Code in your actions." So
I billed the federal government for remodeling my house.
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Having recently been through basic training and advanced weapon
training, I'd like to share with you the governmets idea of
instructions for a weapon :
On the front of a Claymore mine:
FRONT : TOWARD ENEMY.
On the Back of the mine:
BACK : TOWARD YOU
Here's the funny part, undreneath the warning label it says:
EXPLOSIVE : DO NOT EAT.
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Canada. 51 weeks of winter followed by a single hockeyless week
of summer.
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If you have tried to do something and failed, you are vastly better off than
if you had tried to do nothing and succeeded.
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that
you don't want.
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Sun's Scott McNealy mockingly calls the recent alliance between Apple and IBM
"Purple Applesauce". (That's what you get when Big Blue hugs Red Apple.)
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Subject: recursive humor
1. (statement) My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate.
2. (question) What if there were no hypothetical situations?
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Inquiring Child, "Mother why did you marry father?"
Mother; "so you've begun to wonder too?"
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two (Pick on your favorite group) are flying an airplane,
the engine coughs and sputters...
one of them looks at the gas gauge and screems "WE'RE OUTA GAS"
The other taps the gauge and screems "OH NO, HOW ARE WE GONNA GET DOWN"
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A women walks into a vets waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.
The rabbit does NOT want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy" she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customers lap,
getting water all over him.
"I said SIT, now theres a good Fluffy" says the women, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room, and pees.
The women, mortally embarrassed, shouts "Goddamn it Fluffy, will you be good ?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with an Doberman, and pursues it out of the office.
As the women leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted
waiters and says :
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it."
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The CIA agents Dwayne and Amber were brother and sister with a long and
distinquished career in the agency. They were always after more work and
could never get enough. The only problem that they had was that Amber was a
real perfectionist and insisted that when anything at all went wrong, it was
Dwayne's fault. She was forever calling him a bumbling idiot and screaming
at him about his performance. Still, in the end, their missions were always
rousing successes.
Such became their reputation that when a particularly difficult mission
arose, no less a person than the president himself decided that perhaps
Dwayne and Amber were the correct people for the job. He called the head of
the CIA and asked how the director would sum up the performance of these two
stars, and the director responded with,
"Oh, dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Dwayne."
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Years ago I read a short story (I forget the title and author) about
a congressional investigation over the loss of a spaceship in a black hole.
The only surviving artifact was a wrench badly twisted by the tidal
forces, and nobody could decide how best to use it as a memorial.
Debate raged over what America should do with the star mangled spanner!
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Subject: Why post a speed limit of 29 MPH?
Well here in Mass the answer is... money! The state changed the
rules about who gets the money when a town police officer writes
a speeding ticket. It seems that if he wrote a ticket for speeding
in a 30 mph zone (say 50 mph in a 30 mph zone), which is the state
limit for residential roads, then that's a state offense and the state
got the motorist's money. But if the town put up 29 mph speed limit
signs, then he could write a ticket for doing 50 mph in a 29 mph zone,
which is a town offense, then the town got the money. Some town started
putting up 29 mph signs, but the state quickly saw the error of its
ways (oh no... loss of revenue!), so the state and the towns agreed
on a scheme to divy up the loot.
Ob joke (if you didn't find the above politicians "funny"):
There are only two types a drivers in this state: those that never
use turn signals and those that never turn them off!
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I just got the new issue of Reader's Digest, and found this on
page 172. It is a quote from a letter to the New York Times
from Kenneth O'Neill.
To a foreigner, a Yankee is an American. To a Southerner in the
United States, a Yankee is a Northerner. To a Northerner, a Yankee
lives in New England. Here in New England, a Yankee is someone from
Vermont. To a Vermonter, a Yankee is someone who still uses an
outhouse. I'll stop here.
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A short while ago I finally got a friend (a lady with a Master's in a
humanistic discipline from a Toronto university) to watch an episode of
Star Trek with me. I had been telling her of my enthusiasm for the show
for several years. She heard and saw the "Space .. the final frontier .."
/pictures-of-planets/the-Enterprise-going-"whoosh" opening schtick for the
very first time. I explained to her that it was set in the 24th
century, that the man with the white face was a robot, that the man
with the funny head was an alien, that the woman with the, er, unusual
uniform was the token "feeler" on a ship full of (and a show designed
for) "thinkers", etc. etc. Twenty minutes into the show, she turns to
me and says :
"I don't get it - are they on some sort of AIRSHIP ?"
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From: miklg@sono.uucp (Michael Goldman )
I recall reading in a biography of the Marx brothers that they had originally
chosen (Something) Quackenbush for the name of the horse veterinarian from
Florida. They soon found that there was a real live horse veterinarian
named (Something) Quackenbush living in Florida. So they changed the name
just before the film. Life imitating art!?
They usually took their shows on the road to tune
them up before making a movie. The brothers ad-libbed and improvised
a lot to the point where the writers wondered why they bothered writing lines.
One time one of their writers was talking backstage with someone
and suddenly, in the middle of the conversation, said "Wait! - I think I
heard one of my lines!"
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So what do you say, guys, anybody want to start a pool? I give it two,
three months at the outmost before the National Enquirer runs the news that
Michael Landon faked his own death, is alive and well thanks to miracle cure,
and is now sharing a beachfront condo in Maui with Elvis and JFK.
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From: Sarah M. Elkins
today's paper has an article about the latest Elvis book, which claims that Elvis was an FBI Agent and he didn't die August 16, 1977 but instead was moved into the federal witness protection program.
The book *The FBI's Operation Fountain Pen and Elvis Presley* (Shapolsky, $16.95, hardback with cassette) is by Gainsville, Ga. author Gail Brewer-Giorgio, author of 2 previous Elvis books.
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Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
A: Respect.
Q: Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.
Q: What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
A: They're all slime.
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: He saw a car accident on the other side.
Q: What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and
must have at least one relative who works at IBM.
Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?
A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!!"
Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
A: Even hyenas has some dignity.
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between pigs and lawyers.
A: You can learn to respect a pig.
Old lawyers never die. They just establish law firms.
When judgement day came, God decided to be lenient and take up to heaven
every one except the really awful people. The result was a planet of lawyers.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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