From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Reply-to: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Organization: XSoft (A Xerox Company)
Date: 6 Aug 91 20:45:57 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 7.F
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What's the difference between Canada and the U.S.A.?
The U.S.A. has George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Stevie Wonder.
And Canada has Brian Mulroney, No Cash, No Hope... No Wonder!
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Q: You've got Paul Keating, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein and 2
bullets. What are you going to do?
A: Shoot Keating twice.
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I originally heard it in NZ some years ago during an english tour against
the all-blacks(or something like that)
I've made it more topical though.
And in case anyone wonders about it, I dont like rugby, but live in a house
full of rugby fans.
The Queenslanders had come down to Sydney to play the second State of
Origin rugby game. They had been doing well, so Mal (Meninga) and
Wally (Lewis), told the rest of the team they could go down to the pub,
and they would play the game out for them.
Well, come half-time, the Q`landers are leading 36-0, so Mal says to
Wally, "You can go down the pub as well, I'll finish up here and meet you
there later". So Wally leaves.
After the Match, down at the pub, Wally asks Mal, "How did it go?"
"Not good," replied Mal, "We won 40-30."
"Why did you let them get so close?", asked Wally.
"Well, I didn't have a choice, I was sent off 5 minutes into the second half".
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Blackadder is a TV show, Blackadder quotes:
"I wanted to see a war fought SO badly"
"Well, you've come to the right place. A war hasn't been fought THIS
badly since King Otto the Incredibly Stupid ordered 8000 viking helmets
with the horns on the INside."
Lord Melchit: Lord Blackadder. Our foremost cartographers have given us a map
of the area you'll be traversing.
BA: But it's blank!
LM: Yes, they'd like you to fill it in as you go.
BA: I thought it was common maratime practise to have a crew.
Capt Rum: Well, opinion on the matter is divided m'Lord. All the other
captains say it is. I say it isn't.
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Another story that does the rounds here - I've no idea how true it is or
if it's an UL - this guy was sitting an exam in Trinity College here (old
college, bout 400 years old). In the middle of the exam, he called a porter
and requested his pint of ale. The porter, of course, just looked at him.}i
Our hero then produced a copy of the *o-l-d* regulations which stipulated
that a gentleman was entitled to this type of refreshment.
The college authorities, fearing more expensive and disruptive episodes
in the future, checked the college regulations. They then provided your man
with his glass of ale - but promptly fined him for not wearing his
ceremonial sword.
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Helmut Kohl was out one day in his limo when he suddenly realised he needed
to make a very important telephone call. He didn't want to use the VIP
telephone in the car because he was sure that some spys left over from the
East German Secret Police were tapping his telephone line.
He decides that the only safe way he can make his telephone call in private
was to use a public payphone.
Helmut asked his driver to stop at the next public telephone box. When the
driver stopped at the next phone, Chancellor Kohl got out of the car and
walked into the kiosk. He put his hand in his pocket but to his dismay he had
no loose change on him.
He walked out in to the street and asked the first pedestrian he saw whether
they could lend him a coin to make his telephone call. The pedestrian ignored
his request and walked off.
I know, thought Helmut. Perhaps that person didn't realise who I was.
Just as another pedestrian walks past Helmut runs up to them and says : "Do
you know who I am ? I am Chancellor Helmut Kohl. Could you please lend me a
coin as I urgently need to telephone a friend."
"Oh" says the pedestrian. "Well. Here are two coins. Now you will be able
to ring both of your friends !"
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From: urbanf@tuura.UUCP (Urban Fredriksson)
Subject: History of mathematical education in Sweden (almost true)
Historical examples from the teaching of mathematics in
Swedish schools:
1950: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 20 crowns. The cost
of producing it is 4/5 of the price. What is the profit?
1960: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 20 crowns. The cost
of producing it is 16 crowns. Please figure out the
profit.
1970: A farmer sells a set of potatoes (A) for a set of
money (B). B is the set of all parts of B for which
is: B is a crown. In the dash-set you have to for
the set of B do (////////////////////) twenty small
dashes, one for each crown. The set of the cost of
producing (C) is sixteen (////////////////) small dashes.
Draw the set of C as a part set of the set B and give
the resulting set (D) which gives the answer for the
question: What size has the profit set.
1980: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 20 crowns. The cost
of producing is 4/5 thereof, which is 16 crowns. The
profit is 1/5, equal to 4 crowns. Underline the word
"potatoes" and discuss it with a comrade.
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From Spaf's collection:
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A West Hollywood merchant was robbed Monday by two
men who rolled him up in an expensive Persian rug.
They then stole 60 other rugs, valued at $500,000.
The merchant, Samuel Shaoulian, managed to wriggle
free 30 minutes later to call for help.
----------------------------------------------------
Yesterday, there was a news story about a 72-year old man who was
killed by his goat. It seems he had been beating the goat regularly
to make it mean and antagonistic to humans because he wanted to use it
as a "watch goat." The goat finally had enough and butted the guy a
couple of times. The man died of internal injuries.
No mention of what happened to the goat.
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Top Ten Reasons I entered grad school
10. Wanted to see if obnoxious people only existed in the real world.
9. Cravings for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese dinners.
8. Priesthood requires additional vow of chastity.
7. Internet not available at Burger King.
6. Missed the free exchange of ideas found at all campuses.
5 My school has no Friday classes.
4. My school has no morning classes.
3. I can stay up as late as I want!
2. Pillow fights with other grads make it all worthwhile.
And the number one reason?
1. Currently pays better than real-world alternatives.
----------------------------------------------------
As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story
is somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the late
1970's. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the
time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.
There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of
Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local
volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat
from a tree. Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control
dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond.
The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening
and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an
extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support
the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire
hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested
an alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the
ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at
about half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup
truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over.
One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his
reach.
The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of
Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.
This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".
Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive
praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note
that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who
perform a dedicated and essential community function.
----------------------------------------------------
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: $ per car advertising
Here's how much of your new car price went to advertising it on TV.
($ of TV advertising / new car sales = $ spent per sale)
Peugeot $815
Hyundai $718
Mercedes $620
Subaru $573
Isuzu $490
Mazda $483
Missan $435
Toyota $381
Volkswagen $337
Honda $233
GM $198
Chrysler $198
Ford $123
Volvo $ 96
]From Fortune Magazine, May 20, 1991
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The best/worst football score, was of course
Georgia Tech: 222
Cumberland Gap: 0
GT played everybody they had - anyone in uniform, and maybe the
waterboys and cheerleaders (I forget). CG immediately and permanently
disbanded its football team.
Personally I have always suspected that the Falcons were comprised
primarily of old CG men.
[A whole book has been written on this game, and it is quite amusing.
I don't remember the title, but I remember seeing the book. --spaf]
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[Ed. I'm not sure where this came from, but it's wonderful!]
This play concerns 1 engineer and 5 non-engineers (Marketing, Management
etc.) It is an extended analogy, and speculates on the interaction if the
goal were nothing as hard to understand as software development, but
something much simpler. It is intended to put the problems in the software
industry into a more realistic perspective than the usual attempts to solve
them do.
Engineer: So I understand that the task is to transport 12 people from
their current location to the house of John Smith.
Non-engineer1: That's right. What do you need to do this?
Engineer: Well, that depends on where John Smith's house is and
on where the 12 people are.
Non-engineer1: The 12 people are at headquarters in Cambridge Massachusetts.
Non-engineer2: The location of John Smith's house is a technical question.
Potential changes in the market imply we should not narrow
ourselves to an answer to that just now. Propose a solution
that will work for all possible locations,
Engineer: But that makes it an almost impossible problem.
Non-engineer1: Now to return to the question of what you need...
Engineer: What I need depends on the location of John Smith's house.
Non-engineer3: Oh, John Smith's house is in Springfield, I'm sure of it.
Engineer: Is that Springfield Massachusetts? or Springfield Illinois?
Non-engineer3: What difference does it make? Springfield is Springfield!
Non-engineer4: Well actually, he said he lived in Boston.
Non-engineer3: Boston? No I am SURE he said Springfield.
Non-engineer1: Is it possible that he meant the Boston-area?
Non-engineer2: And we want the transportation to be handicapped accessible.
Non-engineer4: Well, not in the first release.
Non-engineer3: Right, leave that as a future improvement.
Engineer: I'm going to make the simplifying assumption that the John
Smith whose house is the destination lives in the city of
Springfield that is closest to Boston, thus arguably in
the Boston-area, thus that John Smith lives in Springfield
Massachusetts, and that the transportation need not be
handicapped accessible. Okay?
Non-engineer4: Are you sure it was not James Jones whose house was the
destination?
Non-engineer1: No, we all agree it's John Smith.
Engineer: So, SUBJECT to my simplifying assumption, I will need a
transportation vehicle that seats at least 12 people.
Non-engineer2: 12 people? That's non-standard! That'll takes us a while.
Non-engineer1: It fits in the "buying externally visible things" budget.
We can manage it.
Engineer: I'll also need a map of Massachusetts.
Non-engineer1: That is an "paper things" expense, and we have frozen all
"paper things" expenses. I'm afraid you'll have to do
without that.
Engineer: I guess I can make do.
Non-engineer: We'll let you know in a week.
(3 weeks later)
NE1: Here is your transportation vehicle. We have EXCEEDED your standards!
Eng; Exceeded? Oh really?
N1: Yes. Here is a transportation vehicle that seats MORE than 12 people!
It seats 40 people! A 1968 bluebird schoolbus.
Eng: Oh, a nonstandard bus, huh, I can work with that.
NE1: How long until you can propose a solution?
Eng: Give me a day to look over the bus.
(1 day later)
Eng: We have a problem. This bus has no engine.
NE1: No engine? Well, you didn't specify that the vehicle have an engine.
Eng: If it does not have an engine then it will not serve as a transportation
vehicle.
NE1: Well do the best you can.
Eng: Well I cannot very well transport people in a vehicle without an engine.
NE4: Could you push it?
Eng: Can we BUY a second-hand engine?
NE2: No, our "buying slightly expensive second-hand things" budget is used up.
Eng: Can we buy it using the same money as we bought the bus with?
NE1: No, an engine is not externally visible,
but our "buying little things" budget still has
money. Can we buy all the pieces of an engine and assemble it?
Eng: Who's "we"? I cannot assemble an engine myself. If you have money for
little things, let's buy a map. Can't you get me a roadworthy
transportation vehicle somehow? It would be the easiest solution.
NE1: No map. Too expensive.
NE2: Well, if we can find a vehicle the meets the company's standards...
If you are actually going to drive in it on public roads,
it has to be safe enough.
NE3: Well, maybe our "Replace old things with better things" budget has money.
NE2: That is possible.
NE1: Well, look into it.
NE2: I shall.
(6 weeks later)
NE2: We HAVE a roadworthy vehicle for you. A 1974 VW Bug.
Eng: But that does not seat 12 people.
NE2: So make two trips.
Eng: Three trips.
NE2: Look, the details are YOUR problem.
NE1: Did you solve the "map issue"?
Eng: Yes, I borrowed a map from my old college room-mate.
NE2: So it did not impact your delivery schedule.
Eng: Delivery schedule? no. Possibly quality. You see, the map is in
French and out of date, and is written for bicyclers, so my information
is less reliable and it took me more time to read it.
NE1: When can we expect delivery.
Eng: How about tomorrow.
(next day)
Eng: Okay, where are the 12 people?
NE2: Well, we needed the possibility of transporting 12 people, but there
actually aren't 12 people here. Only 4 of us need to go.
Eng: So that was not a real requirement.
NE2: Of course it was a requirement. See it in this document?
(pulls a document from an 18-inch (45 cm) high stack of papers).
NE4: Shall we leave now?
Eng: Yes, let's leave.
NE1: How are we going to fit my wheelchair in a VW Bug?
Eng: You said we didn't NEED handicapped accessible for this release.
NE1: Handicapped accessible, no, but I WANT to roll into the car in my
wheelchair.
Eng: Into a VW Bug? How do you expect me to arrange that?
No, handicapped accessible is in a later release.
And rolling your wheelchair into the vehicle is part of that.
(They fold and ties the wheelchair to the roof, get in the car and by an
especially circuitous route because the car does not fit down some
bicycling paths, arrive at the destination)
Eng: Here we are, John Smith's house.
NE4: Is this James Jones's house in Illinois?
Eng: No, this is John Smith's house in Springfield, Massachusetts.
NE4: But I thought...
Eng: Did you read the documents?
NE4: No, of course not.
(a day later)
NE1: We have to do something about our methodology.
NE2: Yes, the delivery too much too long, and did not meet requirements.
NE4: Engineers are not productive enough.
NE3: The next time we want to do a transportation project we should
make the engineer report his progress twice a day instead of daily.
NE1: Yes, that should improve matters.
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