From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Reply-to: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Organization: XSoft (A Xerox Company)
Date: 17 Jun 91 11:45:30 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 7.D
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{ This is a selection from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened",
a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth graders and
compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. }
PILGRAM INTERUPTERS
===================
The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship
as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here
because they heard that American churches were different.
The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a
bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the
captain.
First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started
developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm
blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They
spent the winter there.
Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of
Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this
hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor
of Plymouth Rock.
A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by
putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to
America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and
translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.
Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that
because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers
freedom of goverment in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks
for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.
The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham
Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national
holiday all around the world.
These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them.
The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls
wore funny bonets.
But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States
wouldn't be like it is today.
Selections from Stuff collected by Gunter Ahrendt
[cmc@dolphin.cis.ufl.edu]
[ccgunter@vaxa.uwa.oz.au]:
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From: s65327@ursa.calvin.edu (John A. Bolhuis)
Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road? --Famous Peoples Conjectures--
[Why did the chicken cross the road?]
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.
TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an
uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we
needed the eggs.
Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning proprely.
Ah canna work miracles, captain!
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted
the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of
which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.
William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.
Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.
Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that
kind of thing, you know.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which
thank goodness are good, dahling.
George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Epicurus: For fun.
TS Eliot revisited: Do I dare to cross the road?
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.
Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out
of life
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop
its forward momentum.
Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for
it to cross.
Candide: To cultivate its garden.
George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776.
But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during
the duration.
Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.
James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost.
The chicken would be lost!
Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.
Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
---
Reprinted with permission from the December, 1989 issue of the
Calvin College Dialogue
Note regarding original material contained therein:
This collection of Chicken Jokes was dreamed up by the staff
members of the Calvin College Dialogue last year. Now I was a staff
member, and I wrote some of the jokes myself, but the others (Steve Mulder,
Heather Gemmen, et.al.) wrote many of them as well.
What I am trying to say is that this is original material, but it
was created by a group of weirdos, not just one weirdo.
-John Bolhuis
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Clones are people two.
"During the earthquake, Bill's zip code changed three times before he
got out of bed.
Question on government questionnaire : "Have you ever committed suicide?"
If we don't get some money in our bank account soon, we'll be arrested for
impersonating the government.
Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated
Your battery needs a new car.
----------------------------------------------------
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it. The policeman taking the report, called the phone, and told the
guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy
the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
----------------------------------------------------
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one
of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and
take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are
signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down,
but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down.
The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch w/
reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
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Mum went to pick my (half-) sister up from Kindergarten yesterday,
and the kid came out with pieces of sticky-tape on her upper
and lower lips.
"Look Mum, Lip-stick!"
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-"Do I get a guarantee, if I buy this car ?"
-"Oh, yes, we guarantee it's a car."
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The cyclist, passing a pedestran crossing, runs into
a man, and they both fall down.
-"Geez, are you lucky." The cyclist says.
-"What do you mean by lucky ?" The pedestrian
angrily asks. "I got hurt really bad."
-"Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license.
I usually drive a bus."
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A Newfoundlander was accused of purse snatching.
He decided to represent himself in court rather
than hire a lawyer.
The first question he asked the lady on the
witness stand was
"Did you actually SEE my face when I took your purse?"
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The CENSUS TAKER knocked on the door of a backwoods shack. An old timer came
out, asking what he wanted
"The President has sent us across the country to find out how many people
live in the United States," the man replied.
"I'm sorry you came all the way out here to ask me," said the hillbilly, "cause
I ain't got the faintest idea."
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Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the
salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked
at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only
want money."
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I definitely think we're in trouble.
I just saw an ad for a new movie sequel called...
"The Never-Ending Story 2"
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Sergei Yevshin, a coal miner on strike in the Ukraine was quoted in this
weekend's The European [newspaper] as saying:
"We watched with envy on television as American soldiers gave out packets
of Marlboro cigarettes to Iraqi prisoners of war. Many of us have to work an
entire shift underground to afford one packet of Marlboro. I want to surrender
to the Americans."
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He was prosecuted.
The judge asked him "Don't you need a lawyer ?"
"No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth."
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After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was
being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and
shouts into it "..and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty
thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr.
Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your
phone."
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While visiting Iowa State University this week, Dan Quayle observed that the
reason for low voter turnout is the difficulty in getting to the poles.
Said the Vice President: "Even in this modern age of rapid transit, it can
take several days to get to either pole -- North or South."
----------------------------------------------------
So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The
first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They
say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
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Three blokes die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.
StP Hi, what's your name?
Pete Pete.
StP Hi, Pete. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Pete 120K
StP Wow! Tell me, Pete, what were you doing to earn that kind of
money?
Pete I was a lawyer.
StP That's great. Come on in.
( To 2nd bloke. )
Hi, what's your name?
Rog Rog.
StP Hi, Rog. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Rog 60K.
StP Hey, that's great! Tell me, Rog, what did you do for a crust?
Rog I was an accountant.
StP That's very good. Come on in.
( To 3rd bloke. )
Hi, what's your name?
John John.
StP Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?
John About $13,000.
StP Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
----------------------------------------------------
Real Engineers...
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screw- drivers for their
birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're
lazy.
Real engineers have a non-technial vocbulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt
size.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, tele- visions, watches,
and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Farenheit, 25 degrees Celius, and 298
degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a con- versation with a dail
tone or busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note
is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their
name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before
making a bird bath.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Philips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum
Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
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