Date: 4 May 91 14:30:16 PDT (Saturday)
Subject: Life 7.9
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Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
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All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in
the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find
that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are
dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes,
to make it possible.
T. E. Lawrence
_The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_
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While watching Channel 4 news last night (with the sound off, of
course) I noticed they were displaying a graphic entitled "STATE
ASSEMBLY PLAN" over a very patriotic picture of our state capitol
building. The graphic read:
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| STATE ASSEMBLY PLAN |
| |
| - Do nothing |
| until May |
| |
| - Tax the rich |
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This is the best thing I've seen come out of government in a long time...
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Two American tourists are looking at the Niagara falls,
one of them is from New York and the other one from Texas.
The NY-guy says:
"I bet not even you, in Texas, have something similar to that."
"Well, no,", the Texas-guy says, "but we do have a man
that could fix this leak in five minutes."
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An American expedition is getting ready for going to Africa.
The boss gathers his men, and tells them how to behave:
"We have to be carefull of how we behave with those
natives. Most important is, that we don't argue too much
with them if it's not really necessary.
For instance, if someone there tells you that Africa
is bigger than Texas, don't bother enlightening him."
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It seems that, in a fit of international awareness, some southern states were
trying to make foreign language a high school requirement. One of the
opposition, a depressingly stupid lady, stood up in a school board meeting and
said "If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"
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A Muscovite asks her butcher for beef and is told there is none. She asks for
chicken. None. Lamb? None. Pork? None. Veal? None. The shopper leaves
and the butcher exclaims to his assistant, "What a terrific memory!"
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Maybe not last words, but close: When Thoreau was dying someone (his aunt?)
asked "Have you made your peace with God?" Thoreau answered "I am not
aware that we have ever quarreled."
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o What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
o Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
it saves time in the long run.
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"Cathy! what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I want to be a nurse, sister."
"Good, good. And you, Maggie?"
"I want to be a teacher, sister."
"Right on. How'bout you, Mary?"
"I want to be a nun, sister."
"Very good. Marie?"
"I want to be a prostitute, sister."
"A WHAT?"
"A prostitute."
"Good heavens! I thought you said - a protestant!!"
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Last night I saw some Japanese tourists trying to locate the
Southern Cross using a night-sky map. When they found it, all
3 of them whipped out their cameras and took a flash-illuminated
photo of it.
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Roberto had immigrated to New York from southern Italy late in the previous
spring. Now, on the threshold of winter, he was experiencing his first really
cold morning as he waited for his friend Giuseppi.
Giuseppi was a second-generation American (subspecies: New Yorker), accustomed
to the chill and humidity of the weather in the Northeast. Arriving, he and
Roberto set off down the sidewalk to their respective jobs, each striding along
with his hands buried in his pockets.
Both men were usually talkative, but this particular morning, Giuseppi chatted
alone. Other than an occasional grunt, Roberto declined to speak.
Finally, feeling very uncomfortable, Giuseppi asked, "What is this that's with
you, my friend Roberto? You aren't looking unhappy, you aren't drunk, but you
won't even make friendly talk. Whattsa problem?"
Replied Roberto: "It's-a cold! You want me freeze-a my hands?"
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We tried to get rid of a very dead washing machine one time. It sat on the curb
with a "free" sign on it for several days. When we put a "$50" sign on it, it
disappeared that night!
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Q: What the only thing wrong with Australia
A: It's above sea level
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In shock news today, Derryn Hinch was reported as having been shot, run
over by a car, thrown out of a high building, and finally blown up with
3 kg of TNT.
"This is obviously a job by someone with an extremely strong and
deep-seated dislike of Derryn Hinch," said a police spokesman. "We are
choosing our suspects with this fact in mind, and we will be
talking to these people as soon as we can."
Latest reports have indicated that police are seeking to interview the
entire population of Australia.
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The following story differs from the above in that it did actually happen.
Three weeks ago $300,000 worth of damage was done to the ACTU's Trades Hall
in Adelaide by a fire bomb thrown into an upper story window. Three days
ago $5,000,000 worth of damage was done to the same building by an
incendiary device thrown into the ground floor boardroom.
When interviewed, ACTU local secretary Mr John Lesees muttered darkly
"This is the work of someone with a grudge against the ACTU."
Such an astonishing genius for the obvious is rare, nowadays.
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Heard on '60 Minutes' 31 March: (from a National Party Senator in
Queensland whose name escapes me now)
The definition of recession is when your neighbour loses his job.
The definition of depression is when you lose your job.
The definition of recovery is when Paul Keating loses his job.
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Saddam wakes up and looks up to the mirror above his bed:
Saddam : Mirror Mirror who's the biggest SOB off all?
Mirror : You are Saddam.
Saddam then walks out to his office where all the offices are shivering
with fear but when they see his smile they relax.
The next morning the same.
The next saddam walks out with a stunned look on his face the gaurds are
terrified, one walks up to him scared he may be shot.
Gaurd: Ssss addam whats wrong....
Saddam looks up with a puzzled look and asks who the hell is Paul Keating.
[ask an Australian]
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Paul Keating and his chauffeur were driving past a pig farm on
a typical pollies' tour. Suddenly a pig ran in front of the car
and was struck and killed by Keating's car. Keating told the
chauffeur he had better inform the farmer that he had killed
the pig.
After about half an hour the chauffeur emerged from the
farmstead looking quite bemused.
Keating : "What took you so long?"
Chauffeur : "Well I told the farmer about his pig and he shook my hand,
the wife gave me a beer and cried for joy and the daughter
was showering me with hugs and kisses!"
Keating : "What did you say?"
Chauffeur : "All I said was that I'm Paul Keating's chauffeur and
I've just killed the PIG!"
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I was in the post office today when a fellow walked in asking to post a
letter to England. What transpired was funny enough to warrant writing
down and follows as best I remember it.
Man: I'd like to post a letter to England.
Clerk: That'll be $1.20
M: $1.20? I thought it was $1.10!
C: I'm afraid the prices have gone up.
M: When did they go up?
C: Oh, it must have been around December last year (it's now April).
M: No, I'm sure it's only $1.10, they only charge me $1.10 at Dapto.
C: Well, I'm afraid it's $1.20
M: Hrmph, I'm going to post this at Dapto (marches out the door in a huff)
At this point I think to myself how on earth he's going to get to Dapto
(15 km away) for 10 cents. Now this conversation was more than audible
by everyone in the post office (me, three clerks and the man in
question). The clerks now discuss amongst themselves the possibility
that Dapto post office is undercharging and ring them to check.
The Dapto post office charges $1.20 for mail to England!
Well, it was funny at the time.
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From Gary's [G.LEVINE@PDNIS.PARADYNE.com] collection:
I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.
--Woodrow Wilson
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
--Oscar Wilde
A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing"--Ferguson
Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the first.
If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it.
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
The death rate on Earth is: One per person.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax--Einstein
The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in
a form by filling it out, and in which your alarm clock goes off
by going on.
Football combines the two worst features of American life.
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings--George Will
The Best of Leaps--Scott Bakula
You won't strain your eyes if you look at the bright side
of things--Winston Churchill
It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than
to repent of those we intend to commit.
Josh Billings
I enjoyed the wax tadpole story. Do you think they package "bite the wax
tadpole FREE" or "DIET bite the wax tadpole"?
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The rest of this stuff is from postings sent out by
Victor Schwartz SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem.com
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What's orange, and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
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All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
(Thanx again to Ken Dorfman.)
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Think positive. Remember...
Negative expectations yield negative results!
Positive expectations yield negative results!
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"Pepper" the parrot, hired last fall for a TV commercial for Alascom, the long-
distance telephone carrier for Alaska, actually only lip-synced his line
because the sponsor thought Pepper sounded too human. The company wound up
hiring a human actor who imitated a parrot's voice.
(From "News of the Weird")
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The Oklahoma Supreme Court in December upheld the landslide victory by
incumbent Frank Ogden III (91 percent) over Josh Evans. Evans had run on a
campaign of being an "able lawyer and a living person," which he thought gave
him an advantage over Ogden, who had died three months before the election.
- From "News of the Weird" in a recent San Jose newspaper
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Delightful marketing! I saw a product on the market which is:
"100 percent liquid cow manure, chemical-free, all natural, organic."
Product name: "Wholly Cow"
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(Another Johnny Carson line, contributed by Dorothy Lustig:)
Now here's something real odd that happened to me over the weekend. This was
genuinely creepy. I wanted to get that new Time-Life book series. You know
the one on "Strange, Unexplained Phenomena". I received my first book five
minutes before I called in to order it.
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(A Johnny Carson joke, contributed by Dorothy Lustig at Tandem:)
Last Thursday was the 112th anniversary of Albert Einstein's birth. It's kind
of sad that a lot of the young people today don't know as much about Einstein
as they should. They asked several hundred young people to finish the equation
"E = MC ____ "
Three out of four answered:
"E = MC Hammer"!
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(A Jay Leno line, supplied by Dorothy Lustig at Tandem:)
Despite the recent rains, the drought in California is so bad that crooks have
been breaking into people's homes and draining the waterbeds!
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(Contributed by Tom Belligan at Tandem:)
"I'll always remember this as the night that Michael Jordan and I combined to
score 70 points." -- Chicago Bulls forward Stacey King after scoring 1 point
in a game in which Jordan scored 69.
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(Contributed by Tom Belligan at Tandem:)
"You're damn right I know where I am. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting
beat up." -- Boxer Willie Pastrano to a concerned referee from the mat.
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(You say you feel like a cross between a teepee and a wigwam? Well, you're
just two tents! Read the following item submitted by Tim Hutchinson. It might
help you to relax!)
As heard on Capital Radio driving to work the other day.
This spring a camping equipment manufacturer in Cincinnati, Ohio who wanted to
get rid of his surplus stock decided to run an ad campaign in the local
newspaper. Drawing on that great man of English letters William Shakespeare
the ad read:
"Now is the discount of our winter tents."
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(Contributed by Jim Ellingsen:)
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would
completely cover the Sahara Desert.
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American Airlines recently introduced non-stop DC-10 service from San Jose
Airport to Tokyo, Japan.
(For those of you not from the local area, San Jose Airport is MUCH more
convenient to most people in Silicon Valley, but long-haul non-stop flights
normally require departure from San Francisco Airport.)
Well many of the passengers on these recent American Airlines flights,
including those who paid premium prices to be on the inaugural flight, were
more than a little irritated when the plane stopped for almost an hour at the
Oakland Airport. (To go from San Jose to Oakland on a DC-10, you barely have
enough time to get your wheels off the ground!!!)
It turns out that on WINDY DAYS, with a full load of passengers, the runway at
San Jose Airport is not long enough to allow a DC-10 to take off with a full
load of fuel. So the plane has to stop in Oakland to fill the tanks!
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(Remember the classic Woody Allen variant of the classic story? He related
that when he was a little boy, someone very dear to him gave him a BULLET as a
present. This bullet always served as a reminder of his love for this person,
and he kept the bullet in his inside jacket pocket, next to his heart. One
day, while walking down the street, he was suddenly STRUCK IN THE CHEST by a
flying BIBLE! And if it hadn't been for that BULLET, he wouldn't be alive
today! Well ... here's a recent variation on this story, straight from the
San Jose News about a week ago:)
"Calculator lets shooting victim count blessings"
Knight-Ridder News Service
DETROIT - Ice cream deliverer Kenneth McCarroll's pocket calculator was always
handy for figuring customers' bill, but he never knew it was bulletproof.
The calculator added years to his life on Tuesday afternoon, when McCarroll, an
employee of a local dairy distributor, stopped his truck at a Detroit store.
As he entered the truck's freezer to get $200 worth of drumsticks, popsicles
and ice cream for the store, McCarroll saw a man lying halfway inside the
freezer. The man, who may have fallen, fired a shot without saying a word.
"I felt it hit," McCarroll, 40, said at his Dearborn, Mich., home Wednesday.
"It knocked the heck out of me. ... I grabbed my stomach, ran into the store
..."
Marine duty in Vietnam taught him to apply pressure to bullet wounds, so
McCarroll clutched his stomach. The gunman escaped while McCarroll waited for
police and emergency medical service.
"I finally had the nerve to look at it," he said. "When I pulled my shirt up,
the bullet fell to the floor. I searched my pocket, and my calculator was just
mangled."
The bullet - thought to be .32 caliber - ripped through his jacket and plowed
through the metal front of the quarter-inch-thick calculator. The slug
deflected before bursting through, searing a 1-inch black mark on McCarroll's
belly.
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