Date: 29 Apr 91 11:57:02 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 7.8
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FOR SALE: Special deal on tens of thousands of Iraqi rifles. Never been
fired - only dropped once...
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In recent times, there has been much discussion of the shortcomings
of US education. Americans' poor knowledge of geography is one of the
areas often criticized.
A. Whitney Brown, in his commentary about the war, had this to say on
Saturday Night Live (Feb. 9, 1991):
"But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart. In fact, our
bombs are better-educated than the average high-school graduate. I
mean, at least they can *find* Kuwait."
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QUESTION: Know how many Iraqees it takes to fire a SCUD?
ANSWER: Three. One to load it, one to fire it, and one to check CNN to see where it landed.
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Q: What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Northwest Airlines?
A: Northwest has more kills.
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Reported on NPR's Morning Edition regarding surrender of Iraqi troops:
One guy was encountered alone in the desert wearing Bermuda shorts
and a Hawaiian shirt, and looking generally ready to party down. When
he was challenged, he replied in a Chicago accent, "Where you guys
been? I've been waiting forever!" Turns out he was an Iraqi-American,
who had been in Iraq visiting his grandparents when hostilities broke
out, and he was drafted into the Iraqi army.
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A bunch of US soldiers in Saudi Arabia are getting ready to board an airliner.
One of them looks very nervous, so his sergeant claps him on the shoulder and
says, "Relax, son, you're going _home_!"
The soldier replies, "I know... but I'm from New York City."
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We are now landing at Kuwait internation airport. Please put your seats
in a fully upright position and set your watches back 2,000 years.
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Two divisions of the Iraqi army have withdrawn from the Turkish border. The
explanation given on TV is that they are heading for Baghdad, in an attempt
to help keep Saddam Hussein in power. Personally, I think that a Turkish
border guard stepped out of his sentry box and yelled "We're coming to get
you!"
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On Tuesday, Paul Harvey cited a rumor (since denied) that Saddam Hussein's
son had been killed in rioting. He noted that they still hadn't managed
to Baghdad....
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Saddam was right about one thing. This was not going to
be like Panama or Granada.
They put up a much better fight.
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I heard the other day they were dividing Iraq into two sections--smoking and
non-smoking.
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In the 15 March 91 Wall Street Journal:
Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth
largest in the world.
Now, its the second largest army in Iraq.
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Heard this one at the office. "Why are there no WalMarts in Baghdad?
Because there is a Target on every corner!"
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The Americans have reportedly said that they are still worried about
the Iraqi's but the threat is on a different front.ie the next olympics!
Why? You cry despondantly!
Well this is why I whisper:
They are simply afraid that the Iraq armed forces will get to enter. The
Americans have discovered that the Iraqi Tank men can run faster than Ben
Johnson and none of them take steroids!!!!
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Top 10 reasons Saddam is leaving Kuwait:
10) Sears 2 for 1 sale on Scuds is over.
9) American troops capturing Air Force generals before he can shoot them.
8) Only way to get those damn CNN crews out of the country.
7) No more Kuwaiti VCR's to steal.
6) Special war reports keep pre-empting "Alf."
5) War not as fun when other side shoots back.
4) Top Secret "play dead and whine' defense not working.
3) Economy hurting; hard to pump oil form burning wells.
2) Albert Goldman and Bob Woodward threatening to write books about him.
1) Siskel and Ebert gave the war a "thumbs down."
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(A Johnny Carson line, contributed by Dorothy Lustig at Tandem:)
Have you heard the latest rumor going around about Hussein? This is allegedly
true. Some people are saying that he had plastic surgery so that he could
escape from Iraq unseen. But I don't think the doctor who did it liked him
very much. He made him look exactly like Salman Rushdie.
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Resourceful Resorts is now offering a fabulous golf vacation the the Middle
East.
TRIP INCLUDES:
*Round trip airfare on a U.S. Air Force C-141 Transport.
*7 Days and 6 Nights at Iraq's sole remaining Hotel.
*Unlimited admission to Iraq's newly constructed 270,000 hole golf
Course.
Featuring:
1) A beginner's course with holes up to 30 feet in diameter.
2) An 83,000 sq. mile sand trap (largest in the world)!
3) A never ending challenge with new holes on course being
constructed hourly.
*NIGHTTIME CAMEL RIDES FOR TWO, PAST ROMANTIC ARABIAN OIL FIRES AVAILABLE AT
DISCOUNTED PRICES!
FROM $2150.00 (Dbl. Occ.)
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Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush.
"Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you."
"To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush.
"You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in this dream
I was in your capitol, and I looked up upon the tallest building, and I
saw a flag which read "Allah is Great", and I knew that Allah wanted me to
make peace."
"Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream last night
as well. I dreamt that I was in YOUR capitol, and I too saw such a flag."
"Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag say?"
"I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read hebrew."
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From: bhuntley@contact.UUCP (Brian Huntley)
Number 7 on the list of proposed peace terms in the Soviet-Iraq agreement
is that the withdrawal be monitored by countries not directly involved
in the anti-Iraq coalition.
When that was read on the CBC news last night, a friend sitting next to
me said: "Oh, good. Israel qualifies!".
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(original: Rob Ullmann, ariel@relay.prime.com)
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Anonymous note, dropped down a bunker ventilation shaft
somewhere near Baghdad:
Dear Saddam,
We have your Army.
If you ever want to see it again, put $200 billion in small
bills in a truck (several trucks, actually) and send them
on the road to Basra. We will find them.
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From: kjp@ecn.purdue.edu (Kevin J Podsiadlik)
Subject: How to scare Saddam Hussein
One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam Hussein:
Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State of the
Union address:
"Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq."
Kevin Podsiadlik
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Subject: Iraq vs. Canada
I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use against the
Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile.
--
a1040%mindlink@van-bc.uucp
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From: flak@mcgp1.UUCP (Dan Flak)
Subject: Saddam Hussein holding back
According to the news services, Saddam Hussein stated that he has
committed "only a fraction of his forces". (In other words, he's
committing only those forces that are still operational).
Not mine, my 17 year old son's.
--
Dan Flak - McCaw Cellular Communications Inc., 201 Elliot Ave W.,
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From: donnam@palomar.sandiego.ncr.com (Donna Mitchell)
Subject: Mrs. Saddam
]From Tom Blair in the San Diego Union, January 20, 1991:
What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why
she's leaving the country?
a) "We're having some remodeling done."
b) "The exterminators are coming."
c) "We're getting the carpets bombed."
d) All of the above.
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Subject: standard Iraqi bidding
From: scott%ferrari.labs.tek.com@relay.cs.net
An original:
At my last bridge tournament most pairs played the standard
American system. But one pair caused quite a stir with a new
bidding system, standard Iraqi: whenever the opponents opened
the bidding, they threw rocks at the next table.
--
Scott Huddleston
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From: dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu (Doug Krause)
Subject: Iraqi Career Moves
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Douglas Krause
University of California, Irvine Internet: dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu
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From: bhhardy@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (Barbara Helen Hardy)
Subject: funny gulf quotes from CNN folks
I SWEAR I heard these:
"You can never tell who you are going to run into in a bomb shelter."
"We've been told to stay inside...there are a few courageous
people out there, or maybe some journalists...."
Taking censorship too far:
"According to the military, the weather has cleared...."
Source: CNN, various days, various correspondants.
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From: mcb@hpgrla.gr.hp.com (Michael Berry)
Subject: Training Iraqui Pilots is Easier...
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqui fighter pilots?
...you only have to teach them to take off.
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From: evans@decvax.dec.com
Subject: Super Bowl Joke
[ source unknown ]
U.S. Intelligence sources have confirmed that as early
as last October, Saddam Hussein planned to launch a
SCUD missile attack on the Super Bowl.
He knew it was the one site guaranteed NOT to have Patriots.
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This political joke is from the book "From Beirut to Jerusalem," by
Thomas Friedman.
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A minister goes to the Syrian dictator Hafez Assad after a national election.
Minister: I have excellent news, Mr. President! You won 98.6% of the
vote in the election! Less than 2 percent of the people dissented!
What more could you possibly want?
Assad: Their names.
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Brought back from the Sudan when it was a one-party dictatorship.
A young man, going to "vote" for the first time in a national election,
got nervous in the voting booth and mistakenly voted against the ruling
party. When he told his father, the old man ran to the polling place to
try to correct the error that would probably spell doom for the whole
family. "Please, you must save us," he told the election officials in a
panic, "can the error be changed?" "Don't worry," they replied, "it's
already been taken care of."
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(From the April 15, 1991 edition of Newsweek Magazine:)
"I can say that anyone who, like me, has been educated in English public
schools and served in the ranks of the British Army is quite at home in a
Third World prison."
British businessman ROGER COOPER, on being released last week after five
years in an Iranian prison.
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From: mitchell@MDI.COM (Bill Mitchell)
Reminds me of something I overheard on a tactical radio in Vietnam:
Voice #1: "We're taking enemy fire from the treeline!"
Voice #2: "Those are friendlies in the treeline!"
Voice #1: "Roger that. We're taking friendly fire from the treeline!"
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French Army tanks have five gears: four in reverse,
and one forwards - in case the enemy attacks from the rear.
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The current shortages in Cuba do produce jokes:
At the University of Havanna, some students and professors refer
to the course on Marxism as science fiction.
Others point out that Castro's tough it out slogan, "Socialism
or Death" is a redundancy.
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From: tomas@inmic.se (Tomas Lundstrom)
I just got hold of a bunch of Eastern Europe jokes. For a while (i.e
last year) it looked like these kind of jokes (mostly about the
regime, KGB, the system etc...) were going out of date, but thanks (?)
to the recent development in the USSR, they are quite fashionable
again:
- What can you get for a Dollar in Moscow ?
- five years.
- Intourist (USSR travel agency) advertisement:
"Visit USSR before they visit you"
- An elder estonian walks the streets of Tallinn when he sees a big
crowd. It appears that a roof brick has fallen down and killed a man.
The estonian sighs:
- Woe, woe... we are so few estonians and now it's one less...
- But sir, it was actually a russian ! says a spectator.
- Damn it ! There are so many russians here in Estonia nowadays that there
isn't even room for a brick to fall down !
The contest "Best political joke in the USSR" has been held.
The winner, a factory worker from Minsk, got 25 years.
The Czechoslovakian proof that the earth is round:
1945 the fascists were kicked out to the west.
1968 they came back from the east.
A jew wants to leave the USSR. The clerk asks:
- Why do you want to leave ?
- I have two reasons. I'm afraid that if the Communism system is overthrown,
there will be anti-semitism again...
- But our system is so strong it'll never be overthrown !, says the clerk.
- That's my second reason ...
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phone jokes from Russia:
Dial a number. "Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We
are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the
station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone
cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to
burn down your house, hurry up and take your
telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water!"
Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is
especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit
later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage.
___________________________
"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"
The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
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