From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Reply-to: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Organization: XSoft (A Xerox Company)
Date: 19 Feb 91 10:07:44 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 7.5
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Did you hear that they are making a new movie in Russia?
The name of it is "Hunt for Bread in October".
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My feeling is that, while we should have
the deepest respect for reality, we should
not let it control our lives.
----------------------------------------------------
How about the famous Sherlock Holmes case involving the great Czechoslovakian
art thief who, when cornered in the museum, hid in an old suit of armor?
Unfortunately, Holmes knew that the Czech was in the mail.
----------------------------------------------------
Coach [coach's name here] reports that the new scholastic
requirements for football players are already working: this
year the varsity team made straight A's.
However, their B's are still a little crooked.
----------------------------------------------------
You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
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The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
safety glasses.
-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
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There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
----------------------------------------------------
This was taken from the Gwinnett Daily News on 11/26/90:
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was
going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the waindow and said, 'Officer, I
should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
----------------------------------------------------
More News of the weird:
January 20, 1991
Samuel Santiago, 18, confined to within 100 feet of his home in Chicago
through an electronic monitoring device on his ankle as a result of a
conviction for auto theft, was charged in November with murder and robbery
during a pizza delivery next door.
Alfred Merhan, 45, completed his second year recently as a resident of
Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. He arrived in 1988 on a two-day trip
but without a passport or visa. (He said his Iranian passport was
confiscated when he took part in an anti-Shah demonstration in 1975 and that
other travel documents were stolen from him.) Airport employees bring him
food and newspapers, and he passes the time studying economics.
----------------------------------------------------
From: slambo@clemente.ucr.edu (sean lamb)
My boss spent three years in Australia and told me about their trans.
company. It turns out that when something is forgotten out in the sticks (far
away from civilization) someone has to drive back to a phone to call the dis-
patcher to send someone out with the forgotten object. Well, on one of these
trips, the first truck left all the shovels at the base and had to call back
for them. On the phone the driver asked the dispatcher "What are the men going
to do until they get here?" To which the dispatcher replied "I guess they'll
just have to lean on eac other instead."
----------------------------------------------------
Milli Vanilli could have become the first group to win the Grammy for
Most Promising New Group *2* consecutive years.
----------------------------------------------------
From: rdonahue@ursa-major.spdcc.com (Bob Donahue)
[Thought this up this morning avoiding finals...]
A new unit of measurement:
the VANILLI
The VANILLI is used to measure the amount of work it takes to
dupe or BS somebody. Naturally it is mertic. So, the more vanillies
used the harder the job.
Getting out of work by having your spouse call in sick for you,
oh 10 to 1000 vanillies (or a kilo vanilli), Fooling the IRS (when being
audited), a GIGA vanilli... and so forth.
Hence the amount of work it takes to get people to spend lots
of $$$ and fork out a Grammy:
a milli vanilli
----------------------------------------------------
A reply to someone asking if anyone was interested in a "fencing club."
Sounds great to me!
I'm mostly interested in chain link, hot dipped galvanized type,
concrete poured holes; also explored and wish to investigate more
northwestern Montana 1843-48 barbed wire fences.
Would be glad to help newcomers with the following:
Post/rail (Lincolnesque) 1700-1800 Mid-Atlantic area, mostly Southern MD
Non-grouted stone, limestone/shale base, angles of repose approximately 40 degrees
Same as above, but with poured concrete footings/reinforcements
(clever modern attempt at old-time simulations, but practical)
I am NOT interested in razor-wire, electrified over 400 volts AC/DC,
or guard dogs.
----------------------------------------------------
IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the
famous Oxford vs Cambridge course.
Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as
they could be.
IBM won by a mile.
Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision was made
that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working
party was set up to investigate and report.
Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering,
Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after 3
months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator
gave his summary presentation.
"The problem was", he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing and 1 steering,
whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."
The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to
prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's pride had been damaged,
and another defeat was not wanted.
Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the
coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary --
"The guy rowing has just *got* to work harder!"
----------------------------------------------------
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their
metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just go to bits.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old
skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
Old Usenetters never die, they just become unresponsive.
----------------------------------------------------
From: George_Cross@qm.ctc.contel.com (George Cross)
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD.
The winners are quoted below.
Frequent repeat entry prototype:
"So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there.
I get home, the phone's ringing and it's them. The guy says, 'Lady,
we've got your kid. Say something to mommy, Bob. (SCREAM). Please
note, Mrs. Sanderson, the fiber-optic clarity of your son's ...'"
First Prize:
So the guy says, "Hi, I'm Willie Horton and MCI has given me this job
as part of their new work-release program. Let's get together and
talk about switching over."
-- Randy Dumouchel, copywriter, Primm & Co., Norfolk, VA.
Second Prize:
I just wanted directory assistance for Montana and the next thing I
know I'm talking to Mozambique. So call MCI for credit and I get a
recording -- of Roseanne Barr singing. When the operator comes on I
say, "AT&T never put me on hold." She says, "Sweetie, AT&T never had
a nasty infection like the one I got."
-- Eric Gutierrez, actor/copywriter, New York
Third Prize:
I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my
living room window. I open up the note and it says, "You want it in
writing? You got it. Next time, take the call. MCI. We know where
you live."
-- Mary Hoppin, consumer services manager, Asian Sources
Publications, Hong Kong
Honorable Intention:
So the guy says "Paul, if you don't switch we're gonna have to fire-bomb
your house." And I say, "Fire-bomb my house? AT&T never threatened
me like that." And he says, "You're not dealing with AT&T."
-- Paul Gosselin, free-lance copywriter, Nashville
----------------------------------------------------
Russian joke, once told on the dutch television by Mr. Raymond van den Boogaard.
He lived in Moscow for many years as a newspaper correspondent and as a
commentator on the Dutch news-reel.
I don't know about HIS joke-source.
Three men were asked about the most happy moment in their lives: An American,
a Frenchman and a Russian.
The American told that he came to the U.S. as a child, in the 1930s. He and his
family were poor immigrants from Europe, trying their luck in the States.
"We arrived on a boat in New York with only our clothes as baggage. Shortly
after our arrival I found a one-dollar bill on the street".
The American told the whole story of how he managed to multiply the dollar bill
etc, you know the classic story from poor boy to multi-millionaire.
"Well", he said, "I'm a successful businessmen, and I'm satisfied, no, really
HAPPY when I look back, but if you ask me about my MOST happy moment, well,
that was when I found the dollar bill on the streets in New York City when I
was a poor child".
The Frenchman told his story.
"I was a student in Paris. I was having a drink somewhere in Quartier Latin,
meanwhile reading a book, reflecting things and staring at people, when a
beautiful girl sat down to a table, face to face with me. Mon Dieu (My God),
she was beautiful! I looked her in her eyes, she looked at me and smiled!
That was what you call love at first sight".
Well, he married the girl, and they know have five nice children.
"It's a very happy marriage, yes, it still is. But the most happy moment
was the smile of that girl, who is now my wife, when I looked in her eyes for
the first time".
What about the Russian?
"Well, after work, I was sitting in my poor appartment, watching a boring
television programme as usual, because there's nothing else to do", he said.
"I was tired and was just having my cup of substitute coffee.
Suddenly the door-bell rang in a loud, unfriendly-sounding way. I opened the
door and two men wearing long coats with hats on their grim faces, undoubtedly
KGB-men, asked me with a gruff voice:"
"Are you Mr. Litovtchenko?"
"I sighed my relief and said: No that's on the third floor. That, my dear
friends, was the most happy moment in my life".
The communists (of former days, of course, and perhaps the communists
of the future) have said that this joke cannot be true, because:
1) KGB does not do arrests without reason, and
2) if they do, they don't make mistakes with the door.
----------------------------------------------------
Redundant Phrases
The REVISED Canonical List
AC current/DC current
Adequate enough
advance notice
ATM machine
at this moment in time
cash money
central core
classic tradition
completely full
component parts
consensus of opinion
cooperate together
DAT tape
dead corpse
dive down
DOS operating system
empirical observations
endorse a check on the back
equal halves
exact same
FAT table
final conclusion
foot pedals
footsteps
foreign imports
fratrnity brother
free choice
free gifts
fully conscious
fundamental principles
genuine original
good sex
hot steam
Hot water heater
I heard it with my own ears.
Illegal crime
IRA account
ISBN number
Jewish bar mitzvah
lazy bum
LCD display
Lecture phrase: "If you're sitting here tonight...."
major significance
MIDI interface
mad rapist
modern issues of today
most unique
new baby
NIT tournament
"No Tresspassing Without Permission" (seen at many airports)
old antiques
"Open 7 days a week and weekends"
O-Ring
pair of twins
past history
PIN number
PSC code
pizza pie
please RSVP
postal phrase: "if you get this letter...."
puppy dog
RAM memory
random chance
reiterate (the word iterate means repeat)
repeat again (in the same vein)
SAT test
seen by the eyes of...
shrimp scampi
6 AM in the morning
skilled craftsman
software program
terrible tragedy
the third "D" on every CD recording code
totally destroyed
totally independent
true facts
tuna fish
12 Noon/12 Midnight
united coalition
UPC code
young child
--
Gabe Wiener - Columbia Univ. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings
gabe@ctr.columbia.edu to be seriously considered as a means of
gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu communication. The device is inherently of
72355.1226@compuserve.com no value to us." -Western Union memo, 1877
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