Date: 31 Jan 91 10:51:00 PST (Thursday) Subject: Life 7.2 Selections from Dani Zweig's collection [haste+@andrew.cmu.edu] ---------------------------------------------------- "What is it, Lassie? A boy fell down a mine shaft and broke his ankle and is diabetic and needs insulin? Is THAT what you're trying to tell me?" ---------------------------------------------------- "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." - Orson Welles ---------------------------------------------------- "Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do." - Bertrand Russell ---------------------------------------------------------------- In Hiroshima as well as in Nagasaki, the proportion of genetical mutations is the same as in any town in the rest of the world... ---------------------------------------------------- Who is John Galt? John Galt is Prometheus who changed his mind. He withdrew his fire -- until men withdraw their vultures. -Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged ---------------------------------------------------- "One night the USA tilted, and everything that was loose ended up in California." ---------------------------------------------------- Try bleeding underwater, about 30-40 feet down the water has absorbed the frequencies of sunlight required for reds, we bleed green. Freaks out novice divers who cut themselves. Look for this easy to spot flaw in many movies and tv shows. (I recall a number of Bond films where people bled red profusly at great depths where almost all colours have been absorbed by the water above them) ---------------------------------------------------- At the present rate of expansion, by the end of the century, the end of a shelf of Unix manuals will be moving at lightspeed. ..But that's okay, because they aren't carrying any information. ---------------------------------------------------- What would really be helpful: Subject: Re: Worst title ]caught my eye. It's title was LIFE: A USER'S MANUAL, and the blurbs on the Bah. What I want is the Administrator's Manual and Configuration Guide. ---------------------------------------------------- Why was Stonehenge abandoned? It wasn't IBM compatible. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hunting wounds From some LA paper, in a column by Roger Simon: "A recently released federal study, however, showed that 50% of all hunting accidents come from hunters falling out of trees." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Year in Rec.Arts.Comics [Excerpts] "OK, so the new new X-Men have been cleared out to make way for the new new new X-Men in _X-Men_, we have the old new X-Men in _Classic X-Men_, and we have the new old X-Men in _X-Factor_. That about sums it up..." ~~~~~ "Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma." --Chris Jarocha-Ernst ~~~~~ "He avenges the innocent, upholds justice and makes a unique fashion statement." --Detroit Free Press Fashion columnist on Batman ---------------------------------------------------- This story might be apocryphal. On the day of the final exam the professor said, "Anyone who is satisfied with a B may put their name on this list and leave now." When those who wanted to do so had signed and left he said, "The rest of you get As." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: "sensitive" information I agree with the sentiment that the gov't is getting paranoid (especially of late). Someone told me this analogy, which I think is appropriate: The race to build and use technology is like the Indy 500. The scientists and researchers are trying to win this race by building faster and better cars. The government is trying to win by scattering tacks on the racetrack. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: English bases in US? ] Are there British bases in the United States? While their existance ] seems plausible, I have never heard of any... While I agree with the argument to some degree, it's worth noting that England is a lot closer to the perceived threat than the US is, so there is some geographical influence as well. There are British bases in West Germany, even though West Germany probably has military superiority over Britain (ignoring the nuclear aspect). There are also Canadian bases in Germany, which most emphatically doesn't mean that Canada is more powerful than Germany! (Sigh... That one cuts the other way. There are, effectively, German bases in Canada, because Canada is host to a lot of NATO training facilities. The *embarrassing* part is that there are usually more German tanks in Canada than there are *Canadian* tanks in Canada!) ---------------------------------------------------- From: Aaron Wohl [aw0g+@andrew.cmu.edu] Subject: why brownies are different in pittsburgh After moving to pittsburgh from florida I noticed that when left out for a while that texture of the top of leftover brownies changed. Perhaps this was due to the vast difference in humidity I thought. After many experiments to check on the surface condition of brownies I went into the kitchen one day and the (new) cat was licking the top off the brownies. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Aaron Wohl [aw0g+@andrew.cmu.edu] Subject: Re: Lawyers Actually, my mom is a lawyer. When a client comes in and says that they: a)Want a divorce and will drag it out forever and b)To see that that the other party gets what they deserve and c)To make sure the the wrong doer is revealed for what they are She asks them for a detailed list of all of the property. At this point the client always says with glee: FOR THE COURT? To which she says: No, for me. Since you are going to sqander all your wealth on lawyers fees, I want to know what I am gettting. [at which point they for a quick settlement] ---------------------------------------------------- From: slb@drutx.ATT.COM (Sue Brezden) Subject: IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1987 Date: 1 Jan 88 03:38:44 GMT OK, we all know that 1987 was the "year of the bimbo." (Some of us lobbied for "year of the goddess," but never mind.) However, other important things went down in 1987. Here are a few, courtesy of the Rocky Mountain News. May be copyrighted, so sue me. Yugoslavia indefinitely postponed the execution of convicted Nazi war criminal Andrija Artukovic on the ground of ill health. A rugby player in New Zealand was jailed for six months for biting off the ear of an opponent. The judge ruled that was "not within the normal give-and-take the sport allows." The Soviet newspaper Izvestia reported that 37-year-old Yuliya Vorobyeva was pronounced dead after an electric shock. After two days in the morgue, she woke up and did not sleep again for six months. Then she fell asleep and when she awoke she had X-ray vision, which she now uses to make medical diagnoses by looking inside people. ---------------------------------------------------- A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous. "What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks. "Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw." "But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?" "Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland." "And if the National Bank of Poland fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow." "And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union." "And if that bank fails?" "Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: More in the court heard on one of those starving artist/comedian TV shows: Just once, I would like to see an intelligent witness on the stand: Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? D: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder. ---------------------------------------------------- variation on never felt better in my left: The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life. ---------------------------------------------------- ]From "Disorderly Conduct - Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases" selected by Rodney R. Jones, Charles M. Sevilla, and Gerald F. Uelmen. ********************************* The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fencepost. Counsel: Has the court started it in numerical terms? The Court: His IQ is less than zero. ********************************* Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content? Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame analyzation detectors. The Court: Can you get that on mag wheels? Witness: Only on the floor models. ********************************* Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that there is a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling. Witness: Yes. Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that you did find some cracking. Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in court just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions. So I put minimum in there to cover myself, because somebody is going to find a crack somewhere. The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't. Counsel: Move to strike -- The Court: No. We are not going to strike it. Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor. The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is worth the whole trial. ********************************* Defense counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. ********************************* Counsel: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: THE TITANIC WASN'T ALONE The Titanic had two sister ships, named...the Olympic, and the Britanic. The Olympic made her maiden voyage in mid 1911. Shortly afterwards she was rammed by the British patrol ship Hawk. This cut a 30 foot gash in her side and she was returned to Belfast. There were a few pictures taken at this time of the Olympic parked next to her new sister, the Titanic. She was refitted and served well her owners. During WWI she was refitted as a troop transport. During the war she was torpedoed once, this was however a dud. In 1918 as she approached England, her skipper noticed a U-boat ready to strike, so he turned the Olympic slightly and rammed the U-boat and sank it. She was the only vessel in that war to do so. In 1920 she returned to service, having been totally refitted with new boilers and an oilburning system, instead of the previous coal system. She proved herself to be a good ocean ferry many times making a voyage at a good 24 knots. She came to be known as old reliable. The White Star Line which owned and operated all of the "ic" class ships went out of business in 1934, and the Olympic was soon part of the Cunard fleet. At this time the Queen Mary was being built and it was decided that many of the older ships would be replaced by her. The Olympic was considered one of the older ships, although she was only 23 years old. It seemed that the great ship knew her time was about up, for on a foggy night near Nantucket the Olympic rammed the Nantucket lightship!!! Nearly all the members of the lightship's crew were killed, and the Olympic made headlines again. In the summer of 1935 she was removed from service and was scrapped in 1937. The other sister was the Britanic...she never made a maiden voyage due to the fact of war service. In 1915 she became the hospital ship Britanic ...everyone felt very safe in her for her builders said "She has been built to withstand all the damage that her sister had sucumbed to". In 1916 in the Mediterranean, she was struck by a mine or a torpedo. She sank in less than an hour with damage, not unlike her sisters. Of the three vewssels only one made it to New York. Not a good average, eh? ---------------------------------------------------------------- On Tom Swifties: Not many dictionaries define "Tom Swifty". One that does is _The Random House Dictionary of the English Language_ (1966): Tom Swiftie, a play on words that follows an unvarying pattern and relies for its humor on a punning relationship between the way an adverb describes a speaker and at the same time refers significantly to the import of the speaker's statement, as in _"I know who turned off the lights," Tom hinted darkly._ [named after a narrative mannerism characteristic of the _Tom Swift_ American series of adventure novels for boys] In actual use, "Tom Swifty" seems to have a somewhat broader meaning, and includes the form christened "croakers" by Roy Bongartz, wherein a verb rather than an adverb supplies the pun (e.g. "I'm dying", he croaked). "Who is this Tom Swifty character anyway?" asked Tom unselfconsciously. Tom Swift was the brainchild of Edward L. Stratemeyer (1862-1930). Stratemeyer first used the name "Tom Swift" for the title character in "Shorthand Tom; or, the exploits of a young reporter", serialized in 1894. Sixteen years later he re-used the name for a new character, an ingenious youth whose amazing scientific inventions and discoveries would carry him to weird and wonderful places. The Tom Swift adventure series, which was published under the pseudonym Victor Appleton, began with _Tom Swift and his motor-cycle; or Fun and Adventure on the road_ in 1910, and continued until 1935 (5 years after Stratemeyer's death!). Stratemeyer was also the creator of the Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and other lesser-known series. Stratemeyer only supplied the characters and the (repetitive) plots for his books; he had a syndicate of some 20 hack writers to do the actual writing. After his death the syndicate was taken over by his daughter, Harriet S. Adams, who in 1954 started the "Tom Swift, Jr." series under the pseudonym Victor Appleton II. The "narrative mannerism" that the Random House Dictionary mentions was not the Tom Swifty as such, but merely the laboured avoidance of the unadorned use of the word "said". Tom never merely "said" anything; he asserted, asseverated, averred, chuckled, declared, ejaculated, expostulated, grinned (plainly or mischievously), groaned, or smiled. In particular, sentences of the form: "---", said Tom ---ly. were used ad nauseam. Then one day day someone decided to satirize the mannerism by using puns, and the Tom Swifty was born. I am ignorant of who first used the humorous form of Tom Swifty, or of whether the form is older than the name. I seem to recall once reading that "'One or two lumps?' she asked sweetly" dates from the early part of this century, but I have lost the reference. Perhaps it was Dorothy Parker or one of her fellow Algonquin wits, who were fond of a game called "Give me a sentence", where the challenged party had to supply a sentence punning on a given word. ----------------------------------------------------
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