Date: 28 Jan 91 10:06:48 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 7.1
----------------------------------------------------
How do you get 100 Iraqies in a phone box ?
Tell them it's not theirs.
----------------------------------------------------
Heard a rumor that Saddam was off creating the new Iraqi flag.
Understand its all white. (Or maybe white on white)
----------------------------------------------------
did you hear that [your favorite ethnic group]
sent 50,000 of its troops to the gulf?
Mexico doesn't know what to do with them.
----------------------------------------------------
TOP USES FOR THE REMAINS OF BAGHDAD
United States garbage dumping ground.
A new place for the Ethiopians to live.
Film shooting site for Ghandi 2.
A great place for a new Disneyland.
Archaeological excavation to look for dinosaur
bones and/or ancient Indian burial grounds.
A reason not to use drugs.
Funny material for Kuwaiti comedians.
----------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the bad news about the crisis in the Gulf?
Jane Fonda's going to Baghdad to speak to Hussein....
The good news is -- Ted Kennedy's driving her to the airport!
----------------------------------------------------
Saddam has said wars cannot be won with computers; just now on NPR news the newswoman misspoke (later correcting herself) and said:
Baghdad is still putting up strong anti-aircraft files...
----------------------------------------------------
(per Jay Leno)
Where did they get the name SCUD??? I think it stands for
Stupid, Crazy, Ugly Dictator!
Just found out that in 1969 Saddam Hussein got his law degree.
No wonder people hate him - he's a lawyer.
Hussein will be upset to hear that Rand McNally came out with
their 1991 map. Iraq isn't on it.
----------------------------------------------------
Kuwaiti business bumper sticker:
What if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
----------------------------------------------------
From: scocur@attc.UUCP (Scott Currier)
There once was a man named Hussien
That everyone thought was insane
he dropped bombs made of gas
just to increase his cash
and told us Bush was to blame
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What is Iraq's biggest export in the 90s expected to be?
A: Glass.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: HOW MANY TERRORISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: NONE; THEY HOLD AMERICANS HOSTAGE AND MAKE THEM DO IT.
DID YOU HEAR OF THE SADDAM HUSSEIN DOLL?
YOU WIND HIM UP AND HE HOLDS KEN AND BARBIE HOSTAGE
AT THE GAS PUMP.
HOW DO YOU GET A TERRORIST ON YOUR CASE IF YOU ARE AMERICAN?
BREATHE.
----------------------------------------------------
In the wake of news reports concerning "Civilian targets" being bombed -
There is a report that the Iraquii National Library was totally destroyed
by Allied bombings.
Both of Iraq's books were destroyed.
The worst part is, one wasn't even finished being colored in !
----------------------------------------------------
From: tracy@sirius.cc.utexas.edu (Tracy LaQuey)
My parents own a self-serve coin operated car wash as a side business. They
have a sign on which they put corny sayings and advertisements. This week's
says:
Be a Patriot
Wash the Scud off Here
Dad says business is pretty good.
----------------------------------------------------
For those of you who've just spent a week in the closet, here is
the war so far:
* We attacked in the air, with precision bombing raids.
* Iraq has fired about twenty missiles at countries who either
weren't in the war, or were countries that he was calling on to
help him. Most missed. About five hit, destroying one
portaloo and almost injuring the family dog.
* Iraq has taken some prisoners and given them free
hallucinogenics.
* SiliCorp, the major glass manufacturer, has dropped 20 points
on the exchange. The reason is believed to be an iminent
over-supply of glass - several thousand square kilometers, in
fact.
----------------------------------------------------
What Saddam said vs what really happened:
What he said happened:
144 Coalition planes shot down
What really happened:
10 Coalition planes shot down
What he said happened:
Military, industrial and scientific targets attacked in Tel Aviv.
What really happened:
Breakfast nook destroyed, owner out of town.
What he said happened:
Coalition bombing caused minor damage to residential areas of Bagdhad.
What really happened:
Iraqi military infrastructure destroyed.
What he said happened:
Saudi Arabia bathed in blood of traitors.
What really happened:
Trash dumpster damaged, porch light went out (might be unrelated).
What he said happened:
Tel Aviv has become a crematorium.
What really happened:
See "Military, industrial and scientific attacked in Tel Aviv" above...
What he said happened:
Scud missile salvos laid waste to Daharan and Riyadh.
What really happened:
Patriot manafacturer Raytheon's stock goes up 4 5/8ths in one day.
What he said happened:
Frog missiles scored devastating attack on Coalition forces.
What really happened:
Hole made in sand dune.
What he said is happening:
Arabs worldwide are joining Iraq in Holy War
What is really happening:
Arabs worldwide are watching "Holy War" on CNN
----------------------------------------------------
Another modest suggestion: solving five problems at once
Problems to be solved:
1) The B52 pilots ]really[ want to make bombing runs on beautiful
downtown Baghdad, but we've promised not to target ordnance on
civilians.
2) The allies want to bring Iraq's economy to its knees.
3) The parachute manufacturers are going broke: far fewer than the
expected number of allied pilots are using parachutes.
4) The US has an unemployment problem in the legal profession.
5) The US is having to go hat in hand to beg money for the war
effort from its allies.
So...
I suggest we pack up our surplus lawyers in B52's, instead of
bombs, generously let them take all their law books and money with
them, fly them over Baghdad and drop them on Saddam's economy like
a ton of grit-in-the-gears bricks.
As a humanitarian gesture, we should let them bid for parachutes
before dropping them.
To keep the bidding spirited, we should arrange that there be one
fewer parachutes than lawyers per bombing run.
All proceeds to go to fund the war effort.
The effect of all the surviving lawyers on Iraq's economy should
be every bit as crippling as it has previously been on the US
economy.
----------------------------------------------------
* * * * TECHNOLOGY UPDATE * * * *
MOTOROLA EDGED OUT IN FABRICATION TECHNOLOGY
____________________________________________
FOR VLSI (VERY LARGE-SCALE INTEGRATION) CIRCUITS
________________________________________________
Austin, TX - Recognition for the greatest expertise in
the fabrication of physically large integrated circuits is generally
accorded to Motorola's Austin-based Solid State Devices group.
Although some low volume and special application integrated circuits
by other manufacturers exhibit larger physical dimensions, Motorola
handily beats all others in the field of "mass produced" chips,
having several standard items which are fabricated on a single,
continuous, silicon crystal base of 420 mils by 420 mils.
Industry talk is that this distinction will be lost within
the next few weeks as the 327th Strategic Bomb Wing of the U.S. Air
Force releases plans to produce a single, continuous silicon crystal
measuring 2,200 kilometers by 2,200 kilometers. Refusing to reveal
specifics of the project, Air Force press officer, Major Robert
Dugan, did acknowledge that the crystal would probably be produced
using "existing technology" and that it would be produced at the
Air Force's Middle-East Test Facility (METF).
Motorola spokesmen were unavailable for comment.
----------------------------------------------------
Dorothy Parker said: "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."
To which someone responded: Not true. It all depends on their frames."
----------------------------------------------------
Daniel D'Errico:ROCH:
Power corrupts, but we still need the electricity.
----------------------------------------------------
"Blind faith in your leaders, or in anything,
will get you killed." (Bruce Springsteen)
----------------------------------------------------
DoubleSpeak
You forgot "guests," as Mister Saddam might say
"Put 200 guests at the poison gas factory, 50 at each
of the air bases, and all the rest around Baghdad."
My personal favorite was in the Baker/Aziz meeting in Geneva,
when Aziz claimed that Iraq was just "defending" itself
from Kuwait.
----------------------------------------------------
Whats your own personal definition of hell?
Parallel parking a stick-shift VW bus in San Francisco, on a
hill.
----------------------------------------------------
Not sure where to put it:
At the University of Queensland, the magazine "Byte"
is held in 3 Departmental libraries:
1. The Engineering Library
2. The Architecture and Music Library
3. The Dentistry Library
----------------------------------------------------
What do you give to a congressman who has everything?
An investigation!
----------------------------------------------------
The defendant's lawyer in a murder case whispered to the foreman of the jury,
"It's worth $10,000 to my client if you can arrange a verdict of second degree
manslaughter." Sure enough, this was the verdict arrived at so the lawyer
visited the foreman later, thanked him, and paid him the money. The foreman
said, "It wasn't easy. All the others wanted an aquittal."
----------------------------------------------------
According to the LA Times:
Every second of the day two things happen: the Hormel Company makes 7.2
cans of SPAM and 3.8 cans of SPAM are consumed in the United States.
Where do the remaining 3.4 cans go?
----------------------------------------------------
Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?
No, But I remind him of it in January & June and get
two anniversary gifts each year.
----------------------------------------------------
A nervous passenger on an elevator asked the operator,
"What would happen if the cable broke? Would we go
up or down?" The operator replied, "That, madam, depends
on the life you have lead."
----------------------------------------------------
That guys' girlfriend is moving her business and organizes a party to
celebrate the move. Her friend can't attend the party, so he decides to
have her sent a floral arrangement with a good luck banner instead.
The next day, he calls his girlfriend to ask whether she received the flowers.
Her: "Yes, I did receive them, but I'm not sure what you meant by the message
on the banner."
Him: "Why, what did it say ?"
Her: "Rest in peace."
Him: "I feel terrible, the florist must have made a mistake and switched
banners with someone elses' !"
Her: "I did throw a cold at the party !"
Him: "I can't but imagine the cold the other banner must have thrown at
someones' funeral."
Her: "Why, what was on it?"
Him: "Best of luck in your new location!"
----------------------------------------------------
The editor of the NY Times was working late one night when the phone rang.
It was God and He sounded mad. "Look, I visited earth recently and I went
to the Mapplethorpe exhibit and didn't like it and I saw what a mess there
is in the Middle East and I've had it! I'm going to destroy the earth on
Thursday at 4PM!" The editor was taken aback but managed to ask, "Is this
an exclusive for the Times?" God replied "No, I'm talking to several major
media outlets."
So the next morning the headlines read:
NY Times:
World To Be Destroyed - The End Will Be 4PM Thursday
Wall St. Journal:
World To End - Markets To Close Early
NY Daily News:
God To Earth: Drop Dead!
Boston Globe (or Washington Post or ...):
Earth To Be Destroyed - Women And Minorities To Be Hit Hardest
----------------------------------------------------
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came
the Game Warden...
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally
caught up to him...
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped..
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden
a valid fishing license..
" Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as
a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid
license !!"
" Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there,
well, he don't have one"...
----------------------------------------------------
Two U.S. Navy enlisted men were charged with theft of Paula Thistle's car
phone in April near Annapolis, Md. After she discovered the phone missing,
she called the phone's number, told the man who answered that she was
"lonely," made a date with him, and arranged for police to make the arrest
when the man showed up for the date.
----------------------------------------------------
Federal agents arrested Gary and David Gross of Alpharetta, Ga., in April for
attempting to counterfeit $4.5 million with a printing job described by
agents as "poor," done on an offset press. The agents were tipped off by a
store owner, who said the two had bought the linen paper used in currency and
then asked the owner if he had any green ink that "matched the ink on a
one-dollar bill."
----------------------------------------------------
Wealthy Brazilians, exasperated by a phenomenal increase in crime, have taken
to keeping lions to guard their homes. In one Sao Paulo condominium
development, crime dropped from 15 incidents a month to none - after a lion
almost ate a burglar alive in April.
----------------------------------------------------
From: les@Gang-of-Four.Stanford.EDU (Les Earnest)
Newsgroups: ba.food
I am sorry to hear of the disappearance of Hsi-Nan -- Louie and his
restaurants have played a substantial role in the culinary culture of
the Stanford area for a quarter century. I recall a particularly
amusing incident that happened in his old restaurant in the Palo Alto
Town & Country shopping center in the early 1970s -- that was three
restaurants ago.
After we formed the Stanford AI Lab in the late 1960s, a number of
staff members got into the habit of eating one or two meals a day
at Louie's, which was one of the few places serving Northern Chinese
food at that time. This fascination with Chinese food may have been
arrived with immigrants from the MIT AI Project, where a similar
cult existed.
The Stanford AI Lab had a DEC-10 timesharing computer called SAIL that
was badly in need of a new disk system. We observed that the best
disks around at that time were made by IBM and their competitors, but
there was no way to connect such disks to a DEC system. To get around
this, some of the guys decided to design and build a pseudo-IBM
channel that connected to the DEC-10. In doing this, they had to
learn quit a bit about out how IBM channels worked. The new channel
and disk system ended up working quite well. It saved the Lab a lot
of money and was turned into a commercial product much later.
Jeff Rubin, who had learned how the IBM channel worked and who also
frequently ate at Louie's, decided that he wanted to learn Chinese
cooking from the master. He negotiated a deal in which he worked part
time as a waiter in return for cooking lessons. When working as a
waiter, Jeff couldn't help overhearing frequent technical
conversations among the denizens of Silicon Valley who came there for
lunch, but he generally minded his own business.
On one occasion, however, a group of hardware engineers from IBM came
in and somehow got into a discussion about how to connect a new
peripheral device. Jeff overheard part of the conversation as he came
up to take orders and recognized that they had a misconception about
how the channel worked, but didn't say anything.
When he came back later with the food, they were still talking about
it, so as he placed the platters on the table, he said "Actually, it
doesn't work like that," and outlined how it really worked. The
response was utter silence. In fact, though they whispered a bit to
each other after he moved off, he never heard another word of
technical discussion from that group.
Those engineers may still be puzzling about how a waiter in a Chinese
restaurant would know so much about peripheral interfacing, but I'll
bet that they were more circumspect when dining out thereafter.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page