Date: 23 Jan 91 16:35:53 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 6.V
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Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be bigger than
World War II. Oh, great...more Time-Life books--Jay Leno
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How to tell the species of bear you are looking at:
Go over to him, and kick him in the behind. Run up a nearby tree.
If he climbs the tree and eats you, he's a black bear. If he
knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a grizzly.
-- October 1990 Backpacker Magazine
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o Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded...you don't
have to be very good to get people's attention.
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People have one thing in common--they are all different.
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A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing the
old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks
up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going
around.
Teen: Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these
diseases when you were young did they?
Grandpa: Nope.
Teen: Well what did you guys use for safe sex?
Grandpa: A wedding ring.
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From: linden@adapt.Sun.COM (Peter van der Linden)
True story from beautiful downtown Mountain View, in the heart
of Silicon Valley, California... The town council recently
decided to change the name of "Escuela School" when some spoilsport
told them that "escuela" is Spanish for "school", and hence the academy
was known as "School school"
The council accepted my suggestion that it be named after city founder
Woodrow Ecole, and it will now be known as "Ecole School".
Hint: "ecole" is French for "school".
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Mark Twain was at a dinner party where he gave one of his customary
after-dinner speeches. When he had finished a prominent lawyer stood up,
shoved his hands in his pockets and said "Doesn't it strike this company as
unusual that a professional humorist should be so funny?" Mark Twain came back
with "Doesn't it strike this company as unusual that a lawyer should have both
hands in his own pockets?"
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You might be a Redneck if
Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the
wheels off of it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
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Eleven tons of human hair was stolen from a factory in West
Fliptown this morning. Police are combing the area.
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I regret to inform you that one of the California Raisins died
earlier today. Police are still looking for clues. So far,
the only thing they know is that it was a cereal killer.
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On tonight's NBC evening news, Tom Brokaw described a major fire in Boston
but reported that 'there were no serious deaths or injuries'.
Depends on your point of view, I guess.
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What is the value of PI?
Mathematician: approximately 3.1415927..
Physicist: it's 3.1416
Engineer: a little more than 3
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*How they knew it was a deer:
The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so
it must be a deer.
The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing
it to a previously solved problem.
The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.
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From a posting to rec.humor:
A Mathemetician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist.
The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes
that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M
is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and
looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible
headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture. The
E says "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process"
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize somrthing that occurs in
9-dimensional space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to
9"
P.S. I once told this to a M friend of mine. She looked blankly
at me and said, "whats funny about that -- that's EXACTLY how you
do it!"
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"While you are here, your wives and girlfriends are dating handsome American
movie and TV stars. Stars like Tom Selleck, Bruce Willis, and Bart Simpson."
-- Baghdad Betty
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From a friend:
Of course there is that restaurant in Toronto with a sign that says Jacket and tie only after 6:00 pm.
Always wished I had the nerve to show up wearing precisely that! (and maybe shoes)
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A peasant came to Moscow, and as he was crossing a bridge he saw a man
drowning. He jumped in and saved the man, whereupon the man said to
him, "You can have anything you desire; just name it!" The peasant
was surprised and said, "Who are you that you could make such an
offer?" The man said that he was Joseph Stalin, whereupon the peasant
said to him, "In that case, just don't tell anyone I saved you."
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Samuel Goldwyn:
A hospital is no place to be sick.
Let's have some new cliches.
Gentlemen, include me out.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on.
I paid too much for it, but its worth it.
Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you.
Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.
Don't worry about the war. Its all over but the shooting
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The salesman sold a computer system to a far and foreign firm, and upon
visiting them several months later he was alarmed to see that it was still
in the original packaging.
"Anything wrong?" he asked.
"No," beamed the accounting manager, "through-put has increased, efficiency
has improved no end!"
"How's that, then?"
"Every morning," he said, "I tell the staff, if you don't work harder and
more efficiently, the machine is going to replace you."
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The DP manager died, went to heaven, and had to admit his profession.
St. Peter immediately sent him down to Hell ...
"Welcome," said the Duty Devil. "You have a choice of three Hells: an
IBM hell, a Unisys hell, and an ICL hell."
"What's the difference?" asked the cautious DP manager.
"Well," said the duty devil, "The IBM hell is 22 hours a day of trying to
compile a JCL pack for a 1401 program still running 25 years on, under
emulation on a 3990, followed by two hours of being nailed to a cross
and pelted with coal by IBM salesmen."
"The Unisys hell is 22 hours a day trying to understand communications
protocols based on a thinly disguised 1960s Exec 8 manual, followed by
two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by Unisys salesmen."
"The ICL hell is 22 hours a day of trying to convert a George 3 program to
run under ICLs current OS, whatever that is, followed by two hours of being
nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by ICL salesmen."
On hearing this, the DP manager looked worried. A passing Imp took
pity on him, and suggested that he try the ICL hell. Upon being
asked to explain, the Imp said,
"Well, they never learn in the ICL hell. By the time the salesman have
collected the wood to make the cross, found the hardware support engineers
and gotten them to nail the bits together, and then called out for the
coal, the two hours are almost always over."
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David Chesler vs. The Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles:
DC: How soon after this registration is effective do I have to get inspected?
RMV: Oh, right away.
DC: The same day?
RMV: No, seven days.
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DC: OK, here's your money. By the way, what's the penalty for operating
an uninspected vehicle around here?
RMV: Oh, they'd fine you.
DC: Thanks.
RMV: Here's your registration.
DC: How come no one has asked to see the bill of sale?
RMV: The vehicle is over ten years old, we don't care.
DC: But I could have stolen the thing!
RMV: It's over ten years old, it doesn't matter.
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Date: Mon, 24 Dec 90 18:56:00 PST
Weather Stops Thief Cold
OLATHE, Kan. (AP)
A man who allegedly held up a fast food restaurant while wearing a
George Bush mask was arrested after his car wouldn't start and he
asked the restaurant manager for a jump start.
Olathe police were holding an 18-year-old Texas man, who was not
immediately identified. He was in the parking lot trying to jump
start his car in frigid cold when officers arrived about 12:30 a.m.
Sunday.
"When he went to leave, his car wouldn't start, so he went back in
and asked the manager for a jump start," Olathe police Lt. Vernon
Watson said.
Watson said the man was being held in the Johnson County Jail
pending arraignment. He was expected to be charged with attempted
aggravated robbery and aggravated kidnapping.
Another police spokesman, Lt. Larry Griffin, said today that he
couldn't explain why the man would be charged with attempted robbery
rather than robbery, except that he never left the restaurant's
property.
Police said the restaurant manager found the masked man in a
restroom after the shop had closed. Brandishing an air pistol, the
robber forced employees to open a safe and then locked them in a
cooler.
Then, when his car wouldn't start, the man brought the manager
outside with him to work on the car, Watson said.
The manager had called police through a computer and officers
surprised the man while he was trying to get the car started, Watson
said. The man had been in the area only a few days and was staying in
a motel, he said.
Olathe is just south of Kansas City, where the temperature at the
time of the robbery was 2 degrees.
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Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric
bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs
dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all
things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a white
wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the
solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of
heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is
also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets
slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The
immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect
the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it
may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this
problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in
the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not
to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly
open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but
since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the
closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.
Author Unknown
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_Spy_ magazine research has uncovered some shocking facts about Santa Clause
and his distribution of presents:
Excluding non-Christians and bad children, Santa must visit 91.8
million homes within the 31 hours of Christmas Eve darkness afforded by the
Earth's rotation.
He must travel at least 72,522,000 miles, not counting ocean crossings.
Given his 31-hour deadline, he must maintain a speed of 650 miles per
second.
Assuming 2 pounds of presents per child, his sleigh must carry a load
of 321,300 tons, plus a hefty Santa.
The massive sleigh requires 214,200 reindeer to pull it, increasing the
total Santa payload to 353,430 tons.
The 353,430 tons of reindeer and presents traveling at 650 miles per
second would create massive heat and air resistance, with the two lead reindeer
absorbing 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each, causing them to
burst into spectacular, multicolored flames, almost instantaneously!
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