Date: 28 Nov 90 21:09:41 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 6.Q
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In Waverly Ky, it is illegal to practice or teach any martial art in a
bakery within the city limits!
Watch out for those custard pie throwing Ninja's!!!
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Heard this morning on KXYQ (Q-105) in Portland OR:
Top eight surprises in the new budget ...
2) Bush's "1000 Points of Light" cut to 471 points
1) Quayle's Lego (TM) allotment combined with NASA's budget
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(Also a quote from Roger von Oech's "A Kick in the Seat of the Pants":
"I don't like to eat snails. I prefer fast food."
- Strange de Jim, Pundit
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From a recent "News of the Weird" column in the San Jose Mercury/News:
After an audit, the U.S. Postal Service announced in June that the IRS owed
$2 million for underpaying its postage bill. IRS said several offices did not
understand the complex regulations on certified mail.
The Times of India reported in May that two Hindu brides, their vision
obscured by long veils, married each other's grooms at Patan village
ceremonies that were rushed because both had been mistakenly scheduled for
the same time. Village elders said the marriages are final and cannot be
revoked.
Omaha attorney (and former judge) David Crawford broke his collarbone
recently as he was demonstrating to his office staff how easy it would be to
tip over cows as they sleep standing up. He had gotten down on all fours
and asked a staff member to tip him over onto his side.
Five armed inmates overpowered guards at a Venezuelan prison close to the
Colombian border in April, commandeered a vehicle, and prepared to escape.
However, none of the five, nor any of the several hostages they grabbed,
knew how to drive a stick shift, and army troops soon obtained the men's
surrender.
Police seized nearly a half-million dollars from the safe deposit box of
Benson Hilt in Evergreen Park, Ill., in May - money they said was profits
from illegal drug trafficking - because Hilt had lost his right to protect
the box when he forgot to pay his box rent.
October 7, 1990
GOVERNMENT IN ACTION
The General Accounting Office revealed in August that the Department of
Veterans Affairs had been paying pension and disability benefits to more than
1200 dead people (including 100 that have been dead for more than 10 years).
The department would save $5.7 million per year by matching its pay records
with other government records on death.
A state auditor's report in January criticized the Muskegon (Mich.) Center
for Developmental Disabilities for using residents' fees for questionable
purposes, including a $780 expenditure for oil paintings to adorn the rooms
of blind patients.
Missouri first lady Janet Ashcroft ordered the state library in Jefferson
City opened on Mother's Day this year just so that her son could do some
school work. (She later apologized.)
Never learns
Daniel R. Wyman had just been found guilty of driving with
a suspended license and had been released from the courtroom
in Kenosha, Wisconsin, in February. The judge walked outside
to see if Wyman would drive away from the courthouse, which
he did, whereupon the judge had him arrested again.
Religious differences
Five died and dozens were injured as 2,000 warriors battled
for four days near Papua, New Guinea, in May, after a dispute
between two tribes about how to serve a roasted pig at a
peace ceremony.
Be more discreet
Robert Haag, 33, of Arizona, was charged in January with
attempting to steal a 27-ton, carsized meteorite from
Chaco province in Argentina and attempting to smuggle it
out of the country.
Hi Bro'!
Leslie Steven Slobak, 28, was sentenced to a year in jail in
Calgary in May for aiding a felony after the fact. While he
was standing in a bank line, a man robbed the bank. Slovak
gave a perfect description of the robber, omitting only the
fact that he was Slovak's brother. (Slovak had no advance
knowledge that he brother would be robbing the bank.)
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All you ever wanted to know about Marx Brothers incidents...
From _The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes_
Clifton Fadiman, General Editor
MARX, Chico [Leonard] (1891-1961), US movie comedian, one of the famous
Marx Brothers.
1. Marx's wife had caught him kissing a chorus girl. During the ensuing
row, Chico declared: "I wasn't kissing her. I was wispering in her mouth."
2. A new neighbor, not recognizing Chico, asked hin what he did for a
living. "I'm a smuggler," announced Chico, then, reassuringly, "Nothing
big. Just Mexicans."
3. Chico wrote Heywood Broun a check to pay off some gambling debts,
warning him not to cash it before twelve o'clock the following day. Broun
later complained to Chico that the check had bounced. Chico asked: "What
time did you try to cash it?"
"Twelve-o-five."
"Too late."
MARX, Groucho [Julius] (1895-1977), US comedian, one of the famous Marx
Brothers.
1. Groucho was working in the garden of his California house, dressed in
tattered and ancient clothes. A wealthy matron in a Cadillac caught sight
of him, stopped, and wondered whether she might persuade the supposed
gardener to come and work for her. "Gardener," she called, "how much does
the lady of the house pay you?"
Groucho looked up. "Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," he replied. "The
lady of the house just lets me sleep with her."
2. Groucho was descending in the elevator of the Hotel Danieli in Venice.
On the third floor the elevator stopped and a group of priests entered. One
of them, recognizing Groucho, told him that his mother was a great fan of
his. "I didn't know you guys were allowed to have mothers," said Groucho.
3. When Groucho wanted to join a certain beach club in Santa Monica,
California, he was told by a friend that as the club was known to be
anti-Semitic he might as well not bother to apply. "But my wife isn't
Jewish," replied Groucho, "so will they let my son go into the water up to
his knees?" {This story and the one following, however, are both probably
apocryphal.}
4. Groucho sent a telegram to the exclusive Friar's Club in Hollywood, to
which he belonged: "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong
to any club that will accept me as a member."
5. The ma^itre d'h^otel stopped Groucho as he was about to enter the
dining room of a smart Los Angeles hotel. "I am sorry, sir, but you have
no necktie."
"That's all right," said Groucho, "don't be sorry. I remember the time
I had no pants."
"I am sorry sir," repeated the man, "you cannot enter the dining room
without a necktie."
Groucho caught sight of a bald man in the center of the dining room and
yelled, "Look! Look at him! You won't let me in without a necktie, but you
let him in without his hair!"
6. Groucho attended on of George Gershwin's parties, given, it seemed, for
the sole purpose of letting the host play and show off his music. Someone
asked him, "Do you think that Gershwin's melodies will be played a hundred
years from now?"
"Sure," was Groucho's answer, "if Goerge is here to play them."
7. A tipsy man lumbered up to Groucho Marx, slapped him on the back, and
said, "You old son-of-a-gun, you probably don't remember me." Marx glared
at him and said, "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to
make an exception."
8. The Marx Brothers, though a closely knit group, also understood their
relative values as performers. When they were working on Broadway, Zeppo,
the straight man and consequently replacable, decided to quit the show.
Sam Harris, the producer, gave him permission to leave. When Groucho,
Harpo and Chico heard about it, they went to Harris. Groucho said, "Sam,
if Zeppo leaves you'll have to give us more money."
9. Groucho Marx intensly disliked producer Harry Cohn, who worked for
Columbia pictures. Once, with his brother Chico, he viewed Cohn's latest
film. Whaen the words "Columbia Pictures Presents" came up, Groucho turned
to Chico and remarked, "Drags, doesn't it?"
10. Warner Brothers threatened to sue Groucho Marx when they heard that
the next Marx Brothers film was to be called _A Night in Casablanca_,
arguing that the title was too close to their own _Casablanca_. Groucho's
reply: "I'll sue you for using the word _Brothers_."
12. Invited to a bachelor dinner at a fashionable restaurant before a
high-society wedding, Grouchoand Harpo noted that the automatic elevator
opened directly into the dining rooms on various floors. As the elevator
went up, they gleefully arranged a surprise for the assembled bachelors
and emerged - carrying their clothes in valises and wearing nothin but top
hats.
To their consternation, they were greeted not by rauscous roars of
male hilarity but by high-pitched feminine shrieks. The bride was
entertaining _her_ friends on the floor above the bachelor dinner, and
Groucho and Harpo had pressed the wrong button. No ready escape appeared;
they took refuge behind a large potted plant until they could drape
themselves in tablecloths secured by a kindly waiter, murmur abject
appologies to the horrified ladies, and slink ignominiously from the room.
13. Marx despised the empty clich'es of business correspondence. A letter
from his bank manager ende with the standard phrase, "If I can be of any
service to you, do not hesitate to cal on me." Marx immeadiately put pen
to paper. "Dear Sir," he wrote, "The best thing you can do to be of
service to me is to steal some money from the account of one of your
richer clients and credit it to mine."
14. For many years, every time they met, Samuel Goldwyn's first words to
Groucho Marx would be "How's Harpo?" Marx grew rather tired of this.
Finally, on meeting Goldwyn again and facing the inevitable inquiry, he
said, "Listen Sam, every time we meet - every time for _years_ - you
always ask, 'How's Harpo?' You never ask me anything else, and to tell you
the truth, I'm getting goddam sick and tired of it. Why don't you ever ask
me how _I_ am?"
"How are you?" asked Goldwyn obligingly.
"I'm fine," replied Groucho.
"And how's Harpo?"
MARX, Harpo [Arthur] (1893-1964) US movie comedian, the member of the
famous Marx brothers team who often pretended to be dumb. He was a skilled
Harpist.
1. Among guests ata a dinner party were Harpo Marx and his wife, Susan.
The English writer Jonathan Miller quizzed one of the other guests
afterward, hoping to hear firsthand some of Hapro's witticisms. "What did
Harpo say?" he asked.
"He didn't say anything."
"How about his wife?"
"She didn't say anything, either."
"Oh," said Miller in pretended disgust, "stealing Harpo's bit, eh?"
2. Meeting George S. Kaufman in New York, Oscar Levant asked if he had
recently heard from his friend Harpo Marx. "How can you hear from Harpo?"
asked Kaufman. "He can't write and he can't talk, so how can you hear from
Harpo?"
3. Harpo Marx on a visit to New York was plagued by representatives of
charitieswanting him to appear at benefits. One persistant lady telephoned
him no fewer than twelve times in forty-eight hours. Harpo eventually
agreed to appear for her charity. To ensure that he would not escape her
at the last minute, she called to escort him personally to the benefit. As
they were leaving the hotel suite, the telephone began ringing. "Don't you
want to go back and answer it?" the lady asked. "Why bother?" responded
Harpo with a weary sigh. "It's undoubtedly you again."
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"If scientists wrote Nursery Rhymes"
How many can you solve? (Answers below)
1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken by the first membe
r.
2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocal arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of the viands devoid of contents.
3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made a declarative statement regarding the high quality of his chara
cter as a young male human.
4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for the subdivision of edible tissue.
5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same pathway.
6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used for production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.
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We noticed a significant slow-down of our 5820 (bi-processor 5800) in
response time after upgrading from Ultrix 3.1 (which supports a single
processor) to Ultrix 4.0 (whose "kernel has been enhanced to support
multiple processors executing kernel code").
The local DEC support's reply to my call was that it was a known
"problem" and their advice was to turn off the 2nd CPU until a fix is
found.
I did this, and lo and behold, "ls" runs so much faster... I wonder if by
turning the remaining CPU off I'll get the computing power DEC claims for
the DS5820.
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1. Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so.......(I don't remember the words)
They ate the platter clean.
3. Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said "What a good boy am I!"
4. Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run.
They all ran after the farmer's wife
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life
As three blind mice.
5. Mary had a Little Lamb
Whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow.
With silver bells, and cockle shells
And pretty maidens, all in a row.
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