Date: 30 Oct 90 21:11:49 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 6.O
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Northern Girl: Hmmph! Men are all alike!
Southern Girl: Yeah, men are all ah like, too!
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"If you were going to shoot a mime,
would you use a silencer?"
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Ernestine Hill (I have no idea who he is apart from this quote) has said that
over many decades the citizens of Darwin fell into two categories - those who
were paid to stay there and those who had no money to leave.
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Apparently, a U.S. military officer at a base in the south seas had
some local natives assist him in doing an inventory count. After
most of a day of work, the native supervisor reported that
the warehouse contained 2,000 crates of "This end up" and 3,000
crates of "Use no hooks."
Well, they *claimed* it was true....
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News of the Weird... from the Chronicle, Sept. 14, 1990
France's tourism minister, Olivier Stirn, resigned in July after his plan
to increase attendance at a conference back-fired. When only 37 people showed
up (out of 5,000 invitees), Stirn hurriedly called a local actors' union
and offered about $50 each for 200 actors to sit in the audience to make it
respectable in size (Featured speakers were 12 government ministers and two
former prime minsiters). However, the actors thought their gig expired at 6:15
PM (while Defense Minister Jean Pierre Chevenement was speaking), and they
walked out en masse.
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SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER;
CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING
ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER)
ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.
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(Esquire Magazine annual Dubious Achievement awards ~ 15 years ago)
Late at night the police in Atlanta stopped a car
going in an distinctly erratic and halting manner.
The owner having admittedly just finished a very
long night at a nearby bar was drunk - far too
drunk to drive but still sobber enough the realize
and aceept that he was in no condition to drive.
The driver, a friend from the bar, was quite sobber
but was following the directions of the drunken owner
which in part account for the erratic driving. The
the driver it turn out did not have driver's liscence
for the driver was blind.
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Here in the Portland Oregon area, when Exxon spilled their goo all over
the Alaska coast, a local student spent his life savings, $5,000, to
take out a full-page ad in the newspaper, urging people to boycott
Exxon gas stations.
He proudly showed the ad to a friend, who pointed out that Exxon has no
gas stations in Oregon.
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At a upper class dinner party, one female guest pulled the hostess aside and said to her, "If you do not mind, please do not seat me next to Dr. Samuel Johnson. He smells." She did not notice Johnson standing behind her within earshot, who immediately came over and entered the conversation. Said he, "I beg your pardon, madam, but it is YOU who smell. I stink."
One evening Mrs Noah Webster entered the parlor late and found her husband kissing the chambermaid. She gasped, and said, "Well! I'm surprised!" Webster turned and said, "No, madam. WE are surprised. You are amazed."
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English Language Blunders From Around the World Collected by Ronnie Alexander
& Karl Zimmer University of California, Berkeley
Italian Hotel Brochure: This hotel is renowned for its piece and solitude. In
fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Rome hotel: Fire! It is what can doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves.
Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always is a
clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone
for the fighters of the fire to come out.
Polish Tourist Brochure: As for the tripes serves you at the Hotel Monopol,
you will be singing its praise to your children as you lie on your deathbed.
French Hotel: A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trouser.
French Restaurant Menu: Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up.
French Swimming Pool: Swimming is forbidden in absence of the Savior.
Spanish Hotel Ad: The provision of a large French widow in every room adds
to the visitors comfort.
Madrid Restaurant Menu: Tarts of the house.
Madrid Hotel: Peoples will left the room at midday of tomorrow in place of
not which will be more money for hole day.
Athens Restaurant Menu: Chopped cow with a wire through it.
*Bowels in sauce** *shish-kebab **tripe
On the Box of a Clockwork Toy Made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout
its useful life.
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Bella English, 8/13/90
"A Little English on the Language"
Last week, I read in the newspaper that Deborah Norville was irked at
the use of her name in the following manner: "Jane Pauley was norvilled
out of a job." In other words, thrown over for a youger, blonder
version. Like, Marla norvilled Ivana. Quayle norvilled Dole.
In the spirit of all people who have been norvilled in this world, I
offer the following excerpts from English's New World Dictionary.
chung: v. to aggressively attempt to get pregnant. (She was desperate
to get chunged.)
quayle: v. 1. to listen with a look of intense concentration, without
a clue to what the speaker is saying. (The Russian spoke in his
native tongue, so all I could do was quayle.) 2. to
impersonate a vice president. (I'm quayling for Halloween.)
quail: v. what the rest of us do when we see Danny Boy impersonating a
vice president.
saddam-ize: v. to commit an unnatural act of aggression against your
neighbor. (Iraq saddamized Kuwait.)
dukakis: n. 1. massive failure. (The autopsy report indicated death
was due to a coronary dukakis.) 2. a nosedive into oblivion
(He did a dukakis off the Tobin Bridge.) v. to snatch defeat
from the jaws of victory. (Despite their first place standing,
I expect the Red Sox to dukakis before the season is out.)
silber: v. to blame the press whenever you make a fool out of
yourself. adj. sexist. (Frankly, that was a rather silber
remark.)
bellotti: v. 1. to tan well into your sixties without wrinkling. 2.
to run repeatedly for office until you finally win. (Jesse
Jackson is attempting to bellotti for president.) 3) to have
12 kids because they're cheaper by the dozen.
murphy: see dukakis, above.
hard: n. to suffer from an acute hormonal imbalance, specifically, of
testosterone. (Poor woman; her husband was being treated for a
hart-attack.)
bush: v. to take vacation, early and often, particularly in the middle
of an international crisis. (George was bushing it up in
Kennebunkport.)
bushed: adj. very tired, exhausted from all that boating, fly fishing,
golfing, jogging, and biking.
bushwhacked: v. to be photographed in a compromising position.
(Michael Dukakis was bushwhacked while driving a tank and
wearing a Snoopy helmet.)
barbara (bush): v. to achieve great popularity for no apparent reason.
(A recent Wellesley College graduate stated: "Heavens, no. I
don't plan to work. I plan to barbara.")
neil (bush): v. 1. to state as your primary defense to criminal
charges that your daddy is president. 2. to state as your
primary defense to criminal charges that you're not crooked,
just stupid.
barry: v. to cry racism after you're caught in a hotel room with a
bimbo on your arm and coke up your nose. (The mayor has been
barrying all over the place.)
sex, lies, and videotape: n. the new movie about Mayor Marion Barry
and his escapades in a Washington hotel room.
trump (d.): v. to file for bankruptcy while living on only half a
million bucks a month.
trump (i.): v. to cry poverty because you're only getting a $25
million divorce settlement.
roseanne: n. the name of a television show, whose original working
title was, "two hundred thirtysomething."
marcos: n. a behavioral disorder characterized by pathological
spending of other people's money. (I marcosed out with my
parents' Visa at Filene's Basement last week.) (The S&L bandits
are marcosing with our tax dollars.)
vinnie: v. to impress a young lady by driving a souped-up Corvette and
wearing gold chains and tank tops. ("Boy, he really vinnied
that chick.") adj. anything particular to Corvettes, gold
chains, and tank tops (Revere Beach is super vinnie.)
langone: n. 1. an extremely sexist member of the Governor's Council
who calls women reporters "dear" and "honey." (Joseph is a real
langone.) 2. an extremely obnoxious member of the Governor's
Council who threatens to "bury" an outstanding woman lawyer
seeking a judgeship. 3. mortician to the Angiulos.
idiot: n. any member of the Massachusetts Legislature.
Massachusetts: n. one of 13 original states; former commonwealth of
the US, now a national zoo.
reagan: n. someone who is overpaid and underworked. (Ronald was a
real reagan.)
english: n. someone who is overworked and underpaied. (Bella is a rel
english.)
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These excerpts are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton
(Walker; $8.95) Enjoy!
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within
the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with
whom he is unaquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at
the same time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars
to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket
and pants that do not match.
In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a
farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie
house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four
hours of eating garlic.
In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind
of strapless gown.
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city
street and drink beer from a bucket.
In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an
automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on
the couple's own property.
In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while
walking on your hands.
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without
her husband's permission.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a
second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take
a lion to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her
clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. (ed: ???)
In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed
to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church
service.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within
1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at
night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10
minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear
unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife
with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2
inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider
strap.
In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any
highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two
officers or unless she be armed with a club"
An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this
statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
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--------------- The Burroughs/Sperry (now Unisys) Merger Song -----------
(to the tune of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic")
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the merger come to pass.
It has taken two expanding firms and knocked them on their ass.
It has given all the customers heartburn and lots of gas.
And the stocks started going down.
Glory, glory, what a merger.
Glory, glory, what a merger.
Glory, glory, what a merger.
And the stocks keep going down.
I have seen the speculation of the great things yet to come.
Like software without source code that will never fail to run.
And promises of hardware where our real work can get done.
But the stocks keep going down.
They have bet the ranch on Unix as the future's tidal wave.
And they're counting on the Unix sales to try to help them save,
Their relationship with Wall Street where investors won't behave.
And the stocks keep going down.
I have seen the teams of experts crawling all around our site.
With assurances that they will fix the things that aren't quite right.
And it only took them half a year to straighten out our plight.
But the stocks keep going down.
I have seen them lay off thousands just to "turn the ship around"
But they kept the chief executive and rumors did abound.
And the crew below the decks could hear the waters gurgling sound.
And the stocks kept going down.
Perhaps this year their factories will get stuff off the line.
And perhaps the distribution group will ship it out on time.
And perhaps the stuff will really work when we bring it all online.
Or the stocks will still go down.
And now the architect who brought this wonderous thing about.
Has moved into the banking world, where without a doubt
He will give the financiers good cause to dance and sing and shout,
As the stocks keep going down.
So now lets toast Jim Unruh and award him our respect.
And hope he's not the captain standing on the deck
Of the ship known as the Titanic, just before its icy wreck.
Or we'll all be going down.
Well, I guess it's clear that there is really nothing more to say.
Except we hope this company is facing brighter days.
So let's get our buts in gear, and update our resumes.
As the stocks keep going down.
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THE MODERN LITTLE RED HEN
Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the
barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. She called her
neighbors and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat.
Who will help me plant it?"
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will," said the little red hen. And she did. The wheat grew
tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?"
asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the
bread?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will," said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red
hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
And the pig just grunted. And they painted "unfair" picket signs and
marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You
must not be greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said the agent. "That is the wonderful free enterprise
system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under
our modern government regulations, the productive workers must
divide their product with the idle."
And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful. I am grateful."
But her neighbors wondered why she never again baked any more bread.
From an advertisement by Milliken & Company (textiles)
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