Date: 20 Aug 90 11:05:06 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 6.I
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steven wright:
Yesterday I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. You can't tell by looking at it.
If I ever have a child i'm going to tell him he's a twin. I'm going to buy
one of those twin strollers, too. i'll tell him, "you used to have a brother,
but he didn't listen to me."
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There were two kids in the Detroit area who broke into a Mom & Pop
store, ate some candy, raided the cash register (chump change), then
picked up one of those instant-print cameras and started taking pictures
of each other. The prints came out with nothing on them. They used up
nearly a whole "roll" but still didn't get any good photos. After
filling their pockets with gum, candy, etc., they left the store.
Police arrived at their respective front doors soon after the crime,
with the fully developed pictures as evidence.
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This Englishman walks in a salon of a small town somewhere in the wild
west, and orders a drink. Suddenly, a gangster appears, shooting left &
right and screams "all you scum bags, get out of here".
The bar becomes empty in a second, save the Englishman, who calmly carries
on to finish his drink. The gangster looks in the Englishman's direction;
"Well?" He says.
"Well", the Briton replies, "There were certainly quite a lot of them".
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A Scotsman and his girlfriend are sitting on a hill, overlooking the moors,
watching the sun set; breaking the silence, the girl asks the Scot,
"a penny for your thought"?
The Scot replies "I was jus' thinking how nice it wou' be if I could kiss yer".
Happily, they kiss and again start gazing towards the sunset. Again, after
a while, the girl breaks the silence and asks, "again, a penny for your
thought"?
The Scot replies, "I was jus' thinking, t'was time yer gave me the penny".
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There was an ancient cult in India that worshiped the goddess Kali. They were
a peaceful sort so they would gather each morning and sacrifice a watermelon by
smashing it in front of the giant statue of the goddess. And of course they
would all sing "Here's another melon Kali baby...."
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/---\
==O=O==// " Hitler was lucky he didn't meet the Ninja
( _____ ) Turtles... Germany would have been heavily
\_____/ shelled. "
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" A zoologist, while on expedition through the Black
Forest of Germany, discovered a new species of
turtle there. To his surprise, this turtle could
even speak, but only in German, and its vocabulary
was limited to 2 words. Each time the zoologist asked
it a question, it would reply 'Ja' (German for 'Yes')
or 'Nein' (German for 'No'). So the zoologist called
it the 'Nein-Ja' turtle. "
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Overheard two little boys talking:
" My father's really proud of his priceless Raphael,
Michaelangelo and Donatello collection... he paid
millions of dollars for them. "
" He's been had! I only paid less than $50 for my
Ninja Turtles collection. "
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A couple leaving the theatre.
Lady: How did you like it dear?
Man: It was a lot more entertaining than that Star Trek movie you took me to
last year, It had a begining, a middle and an end.
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A jew was just allowed to emigrate from the USSR and a newspaper
reporter in NY was interviewing him:
"What did you think of the food distribution in Russia?"
"Oh, I couldn't complain."
"What did you think of the govenment?"
"Oh, I couldn't complain."
"What did you think of the way they treated Jews?"
"Oh, I couldn't complain."
"If you had nothing to complain about in Russia, why did you emigrate?"
"Here I *can* complain!"
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Two orthodox jews walked past a catholic church, and they decide to
peek in. Inside they see a row of women up in front taking the oaths
to become nuns.
One says, "Those women are becoming the brides of christ."
The other replies, "Let's go in and have a look."
They sneak inside quietly and plop down in a back pew, but with their
earlocks, beards, and black suits they don't escape the eye of one of
the ushers who comes back towards them in a huff.
"What are you two doing in here????"
"We're from the groom's side."
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An answering machine was with a "Joe Friday" immitation:
"This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service.
The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a
warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our
investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a
brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past,
with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
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A door to door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way
into a woman's home in outback Australia.
"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag
of dirt over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so
the salesman says "If this machine doesn't remove it completely
I'll lick it off myself"
"Do you want Ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected
for electricity yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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How many real Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb:
answer #1: none, real klingons see by phaser light.
answer #3: none, real Klingons declare war on the humans and get them to do it.
answer #4: unknown: real Klingons can't count (there's a hidden joke here)
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In a Safeway in the aisle where they keep
the toys there was a Freddie Krueger night-lights for sale.
Goodnight, and sweet dreams!
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The list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given
at the request of some lawyers. That order has been appealed by
some other lawyers. Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals
up to the supreme court), the list will be unavailable to the
general public. If you are unhappy with this situation, see your
lawyer, who will be happy to handle it for you for a suitable fee.
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How do you get out of a log cabin with no doors or windows? Only a
mirror and a table are inside with you.
Answer:
You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and cut the table
in half. Take the two halves and make a whole. Climb out the hole.
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LION FOOD (lie'@n food) [IBM] n. Middle management or HQ staff (by
extension, administrative drones in general). From an old joke about
two lions who, escaping from the zoo, split up to increase their
chances but agreed to meet after two months. When they do meet, one
is skinny and the other overweight. The thin one says "How did you
manage? I ate a human just once and they turned out a small army to
chase me -- guns, nets, it was terrible. Since then I've been reduced to
eating mice, insects, even grass." The fat one replies "Well, *I* hid
near an IBM office and ate a manager a day. And nobody even noticed!"
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Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate?
A: I'll have the burger and fries, please.
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At a university, the agriculture department decided to ask some other
departments for help in increasing the milk output of their cows. So
they brought in a chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician.
The chemist analyzed the cow's diet and its milk. He came up with a
special diet that increased the milk output by 10%.
The physicist performed his own experiments. He put the cow on an
inclined plane, aligned its head with the earth's magnetic field, and
fed it radioactive isotopes. The milk output increased 15%.
The mathematician look at the cow for a minute, and then started scribbling
furiously on a piece of paper. Ten minutes later he announced that he had
come up with a way to increase the cow's milk output by 300%.
The agriculture people were incredulous. They couldn't imagine how to
produce four times the milk of an ordinary cow. The mathematician handed
them the paper. The top line said, "Consider a spherical cow."
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Proof that Horses have an infinite number of legs:
(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
legs for a horse.
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
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This acctually happened about 15 years ago, when -- as a young lecturer --
I was asked to give a course on Foundations of Analysis. I was sure at the
time that the students already know the subject matter and they will be
wasting their time listening to me. I was quite surprized, when I entered
the classroom for the first lecture, to find a room packed with students.
I was going to suggest that those who know the subject matter leave the
course, so as not to waste time and energy. I therefore asked the following
question: "Has any one of you, by chance, read the book of Landau:
Foundations of Analysis?"
The class suddenly became very quiet, until a student from the last row
said: "I did not read the book, but I saw the movie."
Weeks later we were laughing, trying to imagin to ourselves how a movie
on Foundation of Analysis could look like.
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In the computer industry, there are three
kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and benchmarks.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you recognize a DEC field circus engineer with a flat tire?
A: He's swapping tires to see which one is flat.
Q: How can you recognize a DEC field circus engineer who is out of gas?
A: He's swapping tires to see which one is flat.
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Yeah, I heard that the Cray 5 was so fast, it takes TWO halt
instructions to terminate a program!
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From: mcolan@ldbvax.dnet.lotus.com (mark colan, apd, x7562)
Subject: (Forwarded) Bite The Wax Tadpole
(From Matthew Christian, Lotus)
The phrase "bite the wax tadpole" has been surfacing in conversations lately so
I decided to play junior detective and find its origin. I had a dim memory that
the words "CocaCola", when spoken in some Asian tongue, meant the phrase in
question.
Fortunately CocaCola has a consumer hotline at (800) 438-2653. I spoke with
Phillipe Jefferson who gave me the official word on MagicCans (only 200,000 were
distributed, but many are still out there) and wax tadpoles (it's true).
The language is Chinese. The phoenems have multiple meanings which are
determined by context. Out of context they can be construed many amusing ways.
Coke's official translation of "CocaCola" is "To allow the mouth to be able to
rejoyce". They really got lucky with that one. Other possibilities are "female
horse fattened with wax" and "bite the wax tadpole". These cross-cultural
distortions were first recognised in the 1920s when Coke began crossing the
borders.
The truth is out. We can all sleep soundly knowing that even though we "can't
beat the real thing", we can at least "bite the wax tadpole".
----------------------------------------------------
The actual origins of the Annual Adolph Eichmann's Evil Cake Contest are
probably better off lost in the hall-closet of history, but the legend remains.
The contest was born out of a student paper on Hannah Arendt which was
submitted as an assignment in The Schoolhouse (a writing program). The
only extant fragment of that immortal paper is part of its final sentence:
"...but the icing on Adolph Eichmann's evil cake was..." which spawned
a tradition of writing unknown to man before its time, and which has
been reverently memorialized by an annual event.
Excerpts from this year's contest entries rate no more introduction:
"In short, Socrates seems to be the philosophical napkin with which the
ensuing cultural thinkers of history wipe their mouths of pedantic ooze."
"The Syracusans defeated the Athenians on their own turf, the sea."
"Like raisins in a bread pudding, the moments lie within the body of Henry."
"As a domestic animal, Othello is a child."
"Morality is ubiquitous in everything that is good or bad."
"Why should someone be penalized because he has studied diligently and
deciduously in high school."
"`Tyranny of the majority' as a dangerous and omnipotent force is still
a dangerous issue - we see it manifest itself in our culture in such things
as florescent biker shorts and Motley Crue."
"In the upcoming times of cutbacks, the defense industry can turn to
making stimulation devices."
"Today, the world is teetering on the brink of nuclear Agamemnon."
"But when the chips are down, women hold the reins."
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BUSH: Watch my nose: no new taxes.
QUAYLE: Er ... Mr President ...
That's meant to be "Watch my lips".
BUSH: No, Dan. If they watch my lips, they'll see that
I'm lying through my teeth.
Watch my nose, no new taxes.
QUAYLE: Er ... Mr President ... Your nose ... It's getting longer!
----------------------------------------------------
Original collator is Bob Dowling, RJD4@UK.AC.CAMBRIDGE.PHOENIX:
An introduction to the summation convention:
"If you've got a problem with this then go back, write the whole thing out
using sigma notation and convince yourself that it's better not to have
problems."
And from the University of Bath...
"A one by one matrix has one column and one row, and the same number
in both. "
Meanwhile, back in Cambridge...
"This is known as the 'Toytown solution'. Actually, there is a more
technical term for it ..."
]From substitute lecturer, replacing the scheduled appearance by Dr. X:
"Good morning. For those of you who don't know me, I am not Dr. X;
I am Dr. X's representative on Earth."
"The object of this lecture is to frighten half of you away."
"I wrote my first program in 1954, and that didn't work either."
"This is obvious. But don't look at it too carefully, or it becomes unobvious,
until you look at it for a long time when it becomes obvious again."
"I need two hands to wave, not just one."
A good enough philosophy of life:
"Theoretical physicists tend to assume that Nature isn't as malevolent as
our pure mathematical examiners."
"Different may mean the same."
Picture this...
"A sphere isn't that simple when you get into higher dimensions
- it's a bit non-flat."
"Various people with suicidal tendencies can even integrate elliptic functions"
Said of Algebra III:
"This course could be viewed as 1001 things to do with your favourite matrix"
And if that wasn't confusing enough...
"I thought I understood Newton's Third Law before that lecture."
Letter from an editor:
"I very much regret to inform you that the review procedure of your paper
'Approximation of Delay systems by Fourier-Laguerre series', is incurring a
delay..."
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