Date: 30 May 90 14:23:34 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 6.D
----------------------------------------------------
Six men are sitting in a bar:
The first man says to the second, "You know, I have a 150 I.Q."
to which the second man says' "Oh really so do I. What do you do?"
"I'm a Knobell prize winning Physicist," said the first man.
"So am I..."said the second, and they went on with their conversation.
Hearing this the thrird man turned to the fourth and said, "Youknow, I have
a 100 IQ" To which the fourth man replied "So do I, what do you do?"
"I am a college Professor"
"So am I..." and they went on with there conversation.
Finally, the fifth guy at the bar turns to the last guy, wipes the foam off
his face he just burped up, and says, "You know, I have a 30 IQ"
To which the last man replied "So do I, what band do you play with?"
----------------------------------------------------
In this morning's (Wed 9-May-1990) Salt Lake Tribune, there appears a
cartoon showing a guy with a magnifying glass examining the lips of a huge
George Bush face, and the dialog bubble reads:
I'll be darned... You're Right!
All along he has been saying "No GNU Taxes"...
(And it includes a picture of a gnu, the African antelope (Connochaetes gnou)
kind...)
The author is "Bagley".
----------------------------------------------------
]From Joyce Lain Kennedy's employment column in the Dallas Morning News,
an "ad which reportedly appeared in a paper in Fairbanks, Alaska:"
Part-time engineering or business student to follow illiterate steel
superintendent and do his paperwork. This man is too valuable to
fire and too old to teach. Extremely patient person required.
Should be over 19 years old as duties may require going into local
bars. Applicants should be ugly and mean.
----------------------------------------------------
On a bracket around the license plate of a chevy...
"Friends don't let friends drive Fords."
----------------------------------------------------
True story (from an interview televised on CNN)
the chairman of British Petroleum was asked how BP managed to avoid all
the adverse publicity that could have resulted from the oil spill off
Huntington Beach. Implication was, how come you guys didnt make asses
of yourselves the way Exxon did. Answer: Its very simple. You know
what has to be done and you just go ahead and do it BEFORE the lawyers
have a chance to get involved !!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
There are three ways to get to the top of a tree:
1) Climb it
2) Sit on an acorn
3) Make friends with a big bird
----------------------------------------------------
So this computer scientist is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable
in his own skin, has a hard time relating to people, you know the
type, right? So he's in a bookstore, see's a book called "How to
Hug", so he thinks yes, this could really help him. So he buys it,
takes it home, starts to read it, and damn it if isn't volume 8 of an
encyclopedia!
----------------------------------------------------
Charles Curran, Hans Kung, and Cardinal Ratzinger all died at the same time
and ended up at the pearly gates together, where they were met by St. Peter.
"You guys are too smart for me," said St. Peter, "You will have personal
interviews with Our Lord Himself. Each one of you in turn must go into
that cabin to be examined by Jesus."
Charles Curran goes in first. After a quarter of an hour he comes out,
looking a little shaken. "What happened?" ask the others. "He told me I
have to spend a hundred years in Purgatory," answers Curran and away he goes.
Hans Kung goes in next. After half an hour he comes out, very upset. "What
happened?" "He told me I have to spend five hundred years in Purgatory."
Finally Cardinal Ratzinger goes in. Hours pass, and St Peter is beginning to
get curious. At last the cabin door opens, and Jesus comes out. "Lord,
what happened?" asks St Peter. "He told me I have to spend a thousand years in
Purgatory."
---------------
All three men are theologians. Curran came under fire recently for denying
Church teachings while he was a professor at an official faculty of theology.
Kung has advanced some pretty serious semi(?)-heresies. Ratzinger is the
person in charge of purity of doctrine in the Church, "the watchdog on
orthodoxy" to use newspaper terms, and hence the person who takes errant
theologians to task.
----------------------------------------------------
]From: gay@venice.SEDD.TRW.COM (Lance Gay)
Subject: SCRABBLE: An example of a high-scoring game (SPOILER)
The following example of a SCRABBLE game produced a score of 2448 for one
player and 1175 for the final word. It is taken from _Beyond Language_ (1967)
by Dmitri Borgman (pp. 217-218). He credits this solution to Mrs. Josefa H.
Byrne of San Francisco and implies that all words can be found in _Webster's
Second Edition_. The two large words (multiplied by 27 as they span 3 triple
word scores) are ZOOPSYCHOLOGIST (a psychologist who treats animals rather than
humans) and PREJUDICATENESS (the condition or state of being decided
beforehand). The asterisks (*) represent the blank tiles. (Please excuse
any typo's).
Board Player1 Player2
Z O O P S Y C H O L O G I S T ABILITY 76 ERI, YE 9
O N H A U R O W MAN, MI 10 EN 2
* R I B R O V E I FEN, FUN 14 MANIA 7
L T I K E G TABU 12 RIB 6
O L NEXT 11 AM 4
G I AX 9 END 6
I T IT, TIKE 10 LURE 6
* Y E LEND, LOGIC*AL 79 OO*LOGICAL 8
A R FUND, JUD 27 ATE, MA 7
L E N D M I ROVE 14 LO 2
E A Q DARE, DE 13 ES, ES, RE 6
W A X F E N U RE, ROW 14 IRE, IS, SO 7
E T A B U I A DARED, QUAD 22 ON 4
E N A M D A R E D WAX, WEE 27 WIG 9
P R E J U D I C A T E N E S S CHIT, HA 14 ON 2
PREJUDICATENESS,
AN, MANIAC,
QUADS, WEEP 911 OOP 8
ZOOPSYCHOLOGIST,
HABILITY, TWIG,
ZOOLOGICAL 1175
--------------------------------------
Total: 2438 93
F, N, V, T in
loser's hand: +10 -10
--------------------------------------
Final Score: 2448 83
-----------------------------------------------------------------
P R E F A C E
-------------
A lot of Yankees might have been thinking I lack a sense
of humor. This is of course completely wrong. Actually, I was
simply too busy to joke in the past. Now with all my official po-
sitions resigned, I finally got time to work out the following
jokes. I hope all of you could enjoy them like we did here. A few
days ago, I called all the staffs and officials working in the
Great Hall of the People together to listen to these jokes. The
hall all roared with laughter like a hell. Jiang Zemin laughed so
hard that he even rolled all over the floor, while Li Peng was
only able to pretend laughing in a bitter and unwilling way.
Whatever your reactions would be to these jokes, please remember
that the famous Deng Xiaoping's law holds everywhere universally,
namely:
(1) If you get the kick, you are promised a candidacy for
the future position of Jiang Zemin;
(2) If you don't, you are as stupid as Li Peng;
(3) If you want to be a noisy donkey, shut up!
(4) If you don't like them, you die!
I would like to post them to SCC for the first time, for
the sake of a few ugly Chinamans I like. I may asked my friend to
forward them to rec.humor later. Bon jour!
Deng Xiaoping
Beijing, China
A Chinese worker was turned to police by his brother after June
4th crackdown. He was reported to have said ``Li Peng looks very
stupid sometimes!'' when watching TV with his brother. However,
the cops were too busy on searching for those fugitive elites to
deal with such a trivial thing. They decided that they would
release this guy if he made an statement to correct what he al-
legedly had said. So he was finally freed with a correct state-
ment -- ``Li Peng does not look very stupid sometimes.''
----------------------------------------------------
Beijing's hard-line President Yang Shangkun finally came up with
an idea to retaliate the economical sanction imposed by the US in
protesting China's violation of human rights. In his letter to
President Bush brought back by the US special envoy, President
Yang threatened that, if the current deteriorated Sino-US rela-
tionship continued, China would consider to cut off the export of
broccoli to the United States.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About 5,000 in late 1986 when they tossed away Hu Yaobang
and Zhao Ziyang was the new light bulb; about 100,000 in
mid-1989 when they tossed away Zhao Ziyang and Jiang Zemin
was the new light bulb.
----------------------------------------------------
During his recent summit trip to USSR, China's hard-line premier
Li Peng had been warmly welcomed by the country where he once
spent several years as a Chinese abroad student. Naturally, he
would seize every opportunity to show off his knowledge of Rus-
sian language. Here his eyes happened to be caught by this book
[[Kak Zakalialas' Stal']] (The Forging of Steel) of Nikolai Os-
trovski on the Russian literature shelf during a visit to the
biggest bookstore in Moscow with Gorbachev and other Soviet
VIP's. He then told Gorby that this book would be very valuable
to China's iron & steel industry if it were translated into
Chinese.
However, Arkhipov, the first chairman of the Soviet Council of
Ministers kindly reminded his Chinese guest of that this book had
been already translated into Chinese entitled [[Gang1 Tie3 Shi4
Zen3 Yang4 Lian4 Cheng2 De]] and it was loved by many Chinese
youth even way back when he was then an expert to China in
1950's. For breaking up the embarrassment, Gorbachev joked
Arkhipov,``Comrade, I hope you hadn't made the impression that it
was our beloved hero Ostrovski who should be blamed for Mao's
failure of his Steel Campaign in the Great Leap Forward period.''
-----------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------
Copyright (C) by Deng Xiaoping, 1990
------------------------------------------------
All rights reserved under Beijing International
Copyright Bureau. Permit is guaranteed to any
individual who wants to distribute or reproduce
for non-commercial purpose, under the condition
that the entirety of the work is preserved and
this copyright notice is included.
------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
There was this tramp ("bum" in the U.S.A).
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard
a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and
slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking
the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He took off his coat
and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down.
The father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father
after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your
price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash,
perhaps you could help me out"
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have
ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in
my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes
to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes
up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten dollars" replied the tramp.
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll *never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl
incredulously.
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest
filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old
file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.
"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class
round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
*************************
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the
most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-
going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms
down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper,
mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now,
I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight
when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the
dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway,
and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went doen through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.
Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.
24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
down past the casinos,
and the ballrooms,
down through the crew's quarters,
down through the galleys, and the engine rooms,
until finally,
at the lowest point in the ship,
against the very hull,
the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with
a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."
"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship,
at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the
alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping
by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it.
One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd
have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for
one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....
...and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old
tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like
that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."]
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the
other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first
class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced.
Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it
he tried it.
Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're
going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver.
The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks
and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe.
Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column
of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."
And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb....
up and up ...
below him the ship grew smaller ...
on and on ...
past a solitary albatross ...
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...
and on
still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began
to shrink...
past our moon ...
and on ...
and mars ...
and on ...
higher, and higher , through the asteroid belt,
and on and on towards the diving board,
... past the outer planets, until...
... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System ...
... he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...
.
.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped . .
.
.
.
.
:
slowly at first :
but speeding up :
:
:
:
faster, and faster
speeding past Pluto
and the other outer planets
.
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt:
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam
frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping....
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng
wild with acclaim.
HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over
the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*.
That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this
boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see....
....I'm a poor tramp...
...so you must understand ...
... I've been through many a hardship in my life"
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