Date: 17 May 90
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A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire.
Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.
Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the metre,
not the yard.
Farmer: (Thinks about it a moment) OK, I'd like 10 metres of chicken wire.
Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?
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Wasn't it Steven Wright who joked about people who name their kids with
verb names, like Niel, or Bob, Mark, Eileen, etc.
How can you tell a guy named Neil to stand...
"Stand , Niel.... ...I said stand Niel!"
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for best results machine wash cold, tumble dry low. do not bleach, etc, etc.
for not-so-best results drag behind car through puddles and dry on roof rack.
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"Scotty, we need that .sig in thirty seconds or we're all dead!"
"Och, Captain! We canna do anathin'! It's still on yir other account!"
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If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
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Q. What's the difference between unlawfull and illegal?
A. Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird!
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Some favorite buttons:
"The face is familiar, but I am having trouble remembering my name."
"I'm not so think as you stoned I am."
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Jack: Do you believe in Buddha?
Mack: Yes, I do, but, on the other hand,
there is a lot to be said for margarine.
Jack: Are you Catholic?
Mack: No, I'm a pedestrian.
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Fidel Castro was addressing a huge crowd in Havana: "They accuse me of
intervening in Angola . . ." and a voice in the crowd cried loudly,
"Peanuts, Popcorn!" Castro resumed: "They say I've intervened in
Mozambique . . ." and was again interrupted by the cry of "Peanuts,
Popcorn!" Picking up a third time, Castro went on: "They tell me I'm
intervening in Nicaragua . . ." and once more the vendor yelled,
"Peanuts, Popcorn!"
Losing his temper, Castro snapped, "If that capitalist bastard yells
'Peanuts, Popcorn!' once more, I'll kick him all the way to Miami!"
Whereupon the entire audience yelled "PEANUTS, POPCORN!"
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The Trabant is the world's quietest car. When you drive it, your knees
are over your ears.
Why does the Trabant have a heated rear window? To warm your hands while
you're pushing it.
It only takes three workers to build a Trabant. One to cut, one to fold,
one to paste. (Make hand motions)
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Q: What do you call a IYFEBCH with a sun-roof?
A: A trash can.
Q: What do you call a IYFEBCH with twin exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow.
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Recently the Estonian goverment said that Estonian draftees should
desert from the Russian army.
I can imagine what the Estonian solders must have said: "I'm unimpressed."
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Q: Where is Karl Marx buried?
A: In a communist plot.
Q: What do you call a Soviet garbage dump?
A: A dirty communist plot.
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S&L Bailout? The newest trend in Socialism for Banks.
Its motto:
"From each according to his stupidity,
To each according to his greed."
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Stalin cannot find his golden watch. He is very angry and phones the chief of
the GRU (secret police) and orders him to at all costs found the villain who
stole it.
Two days later, what do you know, Stalin finds his watch in a not often used
drawer. Again he phones the chief of the GRU and tells him to stop the search
for the thief.
"I am sorry, Comrade Stalin, but it is too late now. We already found five
suspects and all of them confessed."
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[Overheard in a restaurant]
It seems that all of those secret police guys in East Germany won't be jobless
for long. Most of the field agents have been snapped up by cab companies,
since they know their areas so well, and the desk workers have been hired
as dispatchers. The neat thing about the new dispatchers is that all they need
is the name of the customer and they can give the cabbies the address.
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What Congress means by ethics is best explained by the tailor's story:
"Suppose I sell a suit to a young man for $200. He tells me that
his family is footing the bill and that if I give him a receipt
for $400 to give to his parents, he will pay me $100 on the side.
The question of ethics is: Do I keep the extra $100 myself, or
do I tell my partner and split it with him?"
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A bank robber in Buffalo entered and placed a bag over his head.
He forgot to poke eyeholes and was blinded, and promptly tackled
by security guards and customers.
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A D.C. radio station, WAVA with Don Geronimo and Mike O'Mera (105.1 on your
F.M. dial) used to run a bit called "Crooks are Stupid!". They read a few
questionable stories that were very funny such as...
...A man goes to rob a bank. He brings two things: a hand grenade and his
dog. He pulls the pin, lobs the grenade at the doors of the bank and
ducks behind cover. Rover retrieves the grenade, drops it at his master's
feet, and bolts away for the next toss. BOOM! End of robbery. I think
the dog got a citation from the city.
...A couple of men go to rob a bank. They back their car up to the doors of
the bank, tie a chain around the door handles, then around their fender,
then hit the gas. The fender rips off the car and they panic and speed
away. The police recovered the fender AND THE LICENSE PLATE and tracked
down the puzzled crooks.
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Last week's episode of Rescue 911 has a pretty good "Stupid crook story" on it.
Some guy broke into a glass store (the cops wondered why after they got him
- more on how they got him later - What of value could be taken from a glass
shop?) using a large shovel to break in a window (the window was the type of
glass that does not shatter, but breaks open in a hole, and holds together
besides that - much like auto saftey glass). He couldn't find anything, and
when he tried to escape out the back, he was run back into the stop by two
guard dogs there. He couldn't get out the front door because of all the glass
broken and facing inward, and he had dropped the shovel outside. He would up
calling 911 to have them come get him out. He told the operator the whole
story, and she radioed a squad car to go get the man and arrest him after
his "rescue". The cops, figuring the man must be deranged to be calling in
his own crime, radioed for backup. A total of 6 cops, a police dog, and a
helicopter were in on the arrest. A policeman later said - "It dosen't take
much brains to be a criminal, but this guy had NONE!".
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Reminds me of one I heard several years ago. An older lady is
mugged and having no cash on hand she asks her attacker if he will
take a check. The mugger agrees, so she calmly asks who she should
make the check out to. Not thinking clearly, the mugger gives the old
lady his real name. The man is arrested in his home several hours
later with the check still in his wallet.
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I have a newspaper clipping at home where a guy breaks into the home
of a bedridden, invalid old lady. She powerless to resist him, but
when he comes into her bedroom he becomes intrigued by the cluster of
medicine bottles on her bedside table. He then starts sampling at
random, eventually becomes sleepy, lays down on the floor at the foot
of the woman's bed and still asleep when the cops show up.
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This talk of stupid criminals reminds me of one I heard when I was
in the Air Force. It seems these two Airmen decided to rob the local
7-11, a stupid move in and of itself. But wait, its stupid to rob
a store when you're in the military 'cause the haircut will give you
away every time. But wait again, its even stupider to do it in UNIFORM
with you NAME emblazoned in 1 inch letters on the front. But wait yet
again, its even stupider to tie up the clerk and try and ring up
customers purchases from behind the register while in uniform outside an
Air Force base. Especially when your first customer is a Chief Master Sgt.
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In my old neighborhood, two classmates of mine decided to rob the local
convenience store. Rather than putting on masks, they waited until this
girl they knew was working behind the counter, and then robbed the store.
When arrested, they said: "But we were sure that she wouldn't tell on us!"
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I once read a magazine bio of a down-and-out basketball star who was so
desperately addicted that he took to crime. Let's call him "Joe" for dramatic
effect.
His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his own neighborhood.
The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball-star
neighbor despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said,
"Joe, don't do this, okay?"
To which the player/robber replied,
"Naw, it ain't me, man. It ain't me."
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My favorite is about a man who tried to hijack a plane. It was a
charter filght, sitting on the ground. The guy runs across the tarmac,
forces his way into the plane, pulls a gun on the stewardess, who starts
to laugh.
Turns out this is a flight of FBI agents going to a convention, and
there are now a plane full of guns aimed at him.
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The April 13 issue of Science mentions a number of new books. Some of the titles are rather unusual:
How to Build a Conscious Machine, by Leonard Angel.
[Sometimes my own workstation seems not only conscious but malevolent]
Reconstruction of Life from the Skeleton, by Mehmet Yasar Iscan and Kenneth A. R. Kennedy, eds.
[Where is Victor Frankenstein now that we need him?]
Time Reversal: An Autobiography, by Anatole Abragam.
[Narrated from death to birth?]
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Subject: whorehouses/discount stores in New York city
I am interested in buying a Sony CCD-F70 Camcorder, from New York
city whorehouse. The reason I want to do it this way is the low
prices they advertise which is few hundreds lower than any I found
in LA. Now my question is what are the negatives/draw backs/things
to be aware off when you buy something through calling an 800 number
from one of those whorehouses/discount stores in New York city. Any
advice will be appreciated.
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The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, tyro naval student.
"What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?"
"I'd throw out an anchor, sir."
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"I'd throw out another anchor, sir."
"But what if a third storm sprang up forward?"
"I'd throw out another anchor, captain."
"Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these
anchors?"
"From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."
(Now, that's a BRAVE sailor....)
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Quotes about men:
A gentleman does things no gentleman should do in a way only a gentleman can.
Luigi Banzini
Men become old, but they never become good.
Oscar Wilde
The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she
is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human
being is of no concern to him.
Immanuel Kant
When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young.
Now I have successes with women because I am old. Middle age was the
hardest part.
Artur Rubinstein
A man who has been the indisputable favourite of his mother keeps for
life the feeling of a conqueror.
Sigmund Freud
Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
William Binger
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On Sept. 28, a production B-1 Bomber crashed. The cause: a flock of birds.
The obvious question is, why not devote some of the billions of dollars
being spent on national defense to build bird farms?
The Army could fence up thousands of birds in selected locations, and release
them if enemy planes were detected.
This would be called the "Strategic Fence Initiative".
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Now, the rest of the story:
In a recent book on Britain's WW11 scientific counter-espionage effort,
Jones relates that Lord Cherwell came up with a plan to more easily
identify German subs, which at that time were taking a terrible toll on
American and Allied shipping in the Atlantic. It was tough to locate
subs by their Snorkels, needed for diesel cruise power. British sub
crews were instructed to lay out fish on sub hulls, to attract sea-birds,
which they did, with great success. British radar then would spot U-boats
by the greatly enhanced radar and visual target.
Only problem was: the birds would only perch on British subs; they had
learned too well the food source...
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I don't remember the name of the comedian who did this routine,
but I the version I heard was a little longer:
Instead of "Luke, you must join the dark side," it went
"Luke, *WHEEZE* you got a light?
"Sure." BRZZAPP WHRRRRRRR WHRRRRR (waving imaginary
light saber wildly.)
And there's this little green midget over in the
corner, saying "Stunt your growth it will, yes."
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Myamoto Musashi and another young noble went to a feudal warlord
to ask for employment in the lord's services.
The lord or Daimyo, was a very busy man and also did not have
any need for another warrior yet. So he made the expert cut into
the Peony and sent it back to the inn where the noble was staying.
When the youth saw the peony, he interpreted as a sign of rejection
and left. But just as the peony was being handed back to the
messenger, Musashi took a look at the cut end. He noticed the
beauty of the cut and made a cut of his own on the other end of the
peony stem.
When the stem was brought back to the lord, he admired the fine cut
that Musashi had made and sent the messenger back to offer Musashi
employment.
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