Date: 7 May 90
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I drove by a movie theatre a year and some ago.
They were having a double feature:
Care Bears III
and
RoboCop
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Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
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This morning, we in the San Francisco Bay area were treated to about eight
earthquakes. The first was at about 6:30, the next at about 6:45 and the
third at about 6:55.
A caller to a local radio station said "Hey, how about that! An earthquake
with a snooze alarm!"
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Here's another for your IRS collection. This appeared in the Boston Globe on
April 13, 1990:
---------------------------------
IRS gets the boot
Is there justice in this world? Well, in Jacksonville, Fla., an Internal
Revenue Service car parked outside the federal courthouse was "booted" for
unpaid parking tickets, forcing tax collectors to fork over $122.50 to set it
free. The IRS had to pay $95 for five tickets, a $25 removal fee plus $2.50
for processing to get the boot taken off, said Gertrude Bradley, clerical
supervisor for the city parking division. With the tax-filing deadline closing
in, courthouse employees were chuckling about the IRS' misfortune. But the
agency was not amused. "We're not pleased with it," said spokesman Holger
Euringer. Yeah, we're all really upset.
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The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
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A friend of mine worked as a computer operator in a company with a large IBM
computer. One day, they called in the repairman for a faulty console. When
the repairman arrived to check out the problem, he noticed that some of the
keys of the console keyboard were stuck down, in the shape of a closed fist.
His comment: "We can fix this, but it will not be under warranty."
Richard Thomsen
RISKS Digest
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I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves
answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but
sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so
irritating, this is what I tell them:
Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture
store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that
goes like this.
Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.
You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm
sure you can find one you like.
C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.
Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.
C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?
Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack.
We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.
C: But how do get there?
Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?
C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Toyota
Celica in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do
next?
- And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the
same:
C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so
*COMPLICATED*!
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This comes from Byte magazine. It was an April Fools joke some years ago:
----------------------------
DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM?
----------------------------
Do you want the instant respect which comes from being able
to use technical terms THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS?
Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts and
minds (if available) of DP managers EVERYWHERE?
If this is so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead
you into the world of PROFESSIONAL COMPUTER PROGRAMMING!
----------------------------
Q: What do top programmers earn?
A: Despite popular myths, some programmers actually DO earn a
living they love. Other, less fortunate programmers work in
their spare time at home while watching television. Either
way, your potential earnings as a computer programmer could
reach into the millions (possibly even into the BILLIONS!) of
dollars. Of course, your success depends a lot upon your
abilities, luck, shoe size, the phase of the moon, etc.
Q: Is programming for YOU?
A: Programming is NOT for everyone. However, if you have a
desire to learn, we can help you get started. ALl you need
is the Famous Programmers' Course and enough money to keep
those lessons coming month after month.
----------------------------
******* Take Our FREE Aptitude Test! *******
To help you determine if YOU are qualified to be a
programmer, take a moment to try this simple test:
1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine, and the first six
letters of the alphabet. (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF)
2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
3) What is the state capital of Idaho?
If you read ALL three of the above questions without
wondering why we asked them, then you are imminently qualified
for a future as a computer programmer.
----------------------------
******* A New Kind Of Programming! *******
They say that a GOOD programmer can write TWENTY LINES of
effective program code a day! With our unique training system,
we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code, and LOTS more! Our
course covers EVERY PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE IN EXISTENCE, and even
some that aren't! You'll learn why the ON/OFF switch for the
computer is so important, what the words 'FATAL ERROR' mean, and
even who should be blamed when YOU cause it!
----------------------------
******* Student Successes *******
Many of our students have gone on to achieve great successes
in ALL FIELDS of computer programming! One of our former
students was the one who developed the concept of the
personalized form letter.... Does the phrase, "Dear Mr. [insert
name], YOU may already be a winner!" sound familiar? It should!
It has already become a standard in the computing industry!
Another student writes, "After only FIVE lessons, I sold an
article I wrote, titled 'My Most Unforgettable Program' to
Corrosive Computing Magazine!"
Another Graduate Student writes, "I recently completed a
database-management program for my department manager, who was
touched so deeply that he was SPEECHLESS! He told me later that
he had never seen such a program in his entire career, and gave
me a vacation! Thank you, Famous Programmers' School! Only YOU
could've made all this possible!"
----------------------------
*******DON'T DELAY!*******
Send for our introductory brochure which explains in vague
detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and
you'll be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing,
the winner of which can vie for a set of free steak knives! If
you don't do it now, what will you say when your friend comes
around and says "Gee, I just joined the Famous Programmer'
School, and its just GREAT!" ?
Simply Fill out the form below and mail it to:
FAMOUS PROGRAMMERS' SCHOOL
Dept. APRFOL
P.O. Box 4634
Paulsborough, NH 03458-0463
-----------------------------------------------------------------
| YES, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer! I |
| enclose $1000 in small, unmarked bills to cover the cost of |
| postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) |
| |
| Please send it to: |
| Name: _____________________________________________________ |
| Address: __________________________________________________ |
| City: _____________________________ State:_________________ |
| Zip: __________________ Phone: (_____)_____-_______ |
-----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
(Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.)
Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.
In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline. We suggest you
skip it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you should
simply FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. If you haven't got time to read
the ad, SIMPLY FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. On your way to POST THE
COUPON you may pass a COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY
A COMPAQ. This will save you the price of a stamp.
HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM. Buy two greyhounds,
name one COMPAQ and the other IBM. Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM on
old socks stuffed with rabbit droppings. After a month, enter both in
the 3.30 at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30%
faster than IBM. Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided,
but gives the same result as racing the computers in your office.
PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS. (Picture of statue w/o arms
or legs is shown at left.) This is what happens to computer operators
who lose all the data on an important disk. Protect yourself with a
built-in tape back-up safety system. Too bad if you own an IBM or some
other make, only COMPAQ computers have them.
SIN IN STYLE -- SOFTWEAR WORLD.
Sorry. Wrong. Terribly sorry. Sorry to disappoint those of you who
were hoping for something titillating, but this whole section is in fact
the result of a silly spelling mistake. Instead of softwear, please read
software. Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which you will find
listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers. So sorry.
WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ? By sheer
coincidence, this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants
who hail from the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet. Nearly 100%. For
further details and first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787.
BYTES OF RAM. The compaq deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM. IBM's
PC AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble. Cheez, even our carry-away
Portable does 2.6 megabytes.
THE COMPAQ DUAL_MODE MONITOR. At last, a monitor lizard that can display
both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen.
IBM's (and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics.
More details from our sales reptiles. Contact them on 01-940 8860.
SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1. Let one ant equal one byte of information.
COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the little
blighters, (30,000,000 more than IBM can). Now calculate how many ants
are needed to fill the great pyramid of Giza.
FILL IN THIS COUPON NOW.
______________________________________________________________________
| |
| TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR. |
| I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are |
| more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual|
| mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good, |
| otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it |
| COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny |
| bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got |
| absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always |
| knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger |
| so rush me more details of your marvelous computers. |
| |
| Name _______________________________________________________________ |
| Company_____________________________________________________________ |
| Inside Leg_________________ Favourite Singer_______________________ |
| Address_____________________________________________________________ |
| |
| AMAZING FREE OFFER. We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY |
| FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds. |
| |
| ( ) tick here for FREE death watch beetle. |
|______________________________________________________________________|
----------------------------------------------------
For Immediate Release Photo/Audio
April 9, 1990 Opportunity
GODZILLA INVADES SAN FRANCISCO
---------------------------------------
MITSUBISHI HEADQUARTERS TARGETED FOR ATTACK BY JAPANESE
MONSTER ENVIRONMENTALIST
SAN FRANCISCO (April 18, 1990) Godzilla, Japan's leading
environmentalist, has agreed to lead a demonstration against Japanese
environmental practices. At 10:00 am, at 50 California St., San
Francisco, at the office of Mitsubishi Corporation, Godzilla will
join the Rainforest Action Network and the International Rivers
Network to protest Mitsubishi's logging in the tropical rainforest of
Sarawak, Borneo, as well as Japan's foreign lending for destructive
dam projects in developing countries.
"Since my victorious battle with the Smog Monster, I have dedicated
my life to fighting the destroyers of the Earth", roared the giant
reptile. Japan is the leading importer of tropical rainforest
timbers, and the leading funder of disastrous water development
projects in the Third World.
TROPICAL TIMBER
Mitsubishi Corp. and other Japanese corporations are involved in 24
hour logging operations with the use of flood lights. Despite
worldwide protest, the rapid logging of Borneo's tropical rainforest
is accelerating. Japan is the leading importer of tropical timber
from Southeast Asia. "People all over the world are denouncing the
environmental atrocities committed by the Japanese logging
corporations such as Mitsubishi and Sumitomo. The logging in Borneo
must stop if the indigenous people are to survive, says Randy Hayes,
Director of the Rainforest Action Network."
OVERSEAS DEVELOPMENT
In the last two years, Japanese overseas development aid has doubled,
bringing its total aid and loan financing package to nearly $22
billion per year. Though the single largest development financier in
the world, Japan has no established environmental assessment
policies, either domestically, or internationally. A huge amount of
those overseas funds are paying for destructive water development
projects.
"Japan's monstrous destructive capacity requires monstrous
solutions", said Juliette Majot of the International Rivers Network.
Godzilla, the Rainforest Action Network and the International Rivers
Network actively support the work of Japanese environmentalists.
Today they are joining thousands of other protestors in the US and
worldwide, to demand that both Japanese corporations and Japanese
development aid stop destructive environmental practices.
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