Date: 14 Mar 90 20:38:53 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 6.4
----------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bank with the intention of getting a loan. He walks up to a
person behind a desk and says, "I'm in need of a loan and would like to talk to
someone in charge."
"I'm sorry sir, but the loan arranger is not in right now."
"That's alright," said the man, "then I'll a-talk to Tonto."
----------------------------------------------------
While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants
less than one year old, I came across the following question:
Have you ever breast fed your baby?
a) Yes b) No c) Don't Know
----------------------------------------------------
"If you smoke on the premises, we shall assume you are on fire
and treat you accordingly..."
----------------------------------------------------
From the "kids say the darndest things" department. My 5 year old recently informed me that:
- Bikes that don't have motors are "pedalized" [vs. motorized].
and
- Tyranosaurus Rex is named that because he "rex" all the other dinosaurs stuff.
----------------------------------------------------
Quoted anonymously in the unix fortune cookie database:
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
----------------------------------------------------
The "Los Angeles Reader" always has some interesting items on the last page.
Thought you might enjoy some of them...
Moments before the start of a statewide meeting in September of a North
Carolina task force on improving its students' SAT scores, officials discovered
that the banner behind the stage read, "Excellance [sic] in Secondary Education".
[Reminds me of the "Peninsula Acheiver's Academy," advertised in a banner
promoting a new kindergarten aimed at giving children a good head start in their
education -- Moderator]
In North Bay, Ontario, in October, Jim Lawrence and Bradley Sayeau fell
through a third-floor window during a kick-boxing match at a martial-arts club
and landed on a pedestrian, who was the least seriously injured of the three.
Ernest Coveley, thirty-seven, was sentenced to seven years in
prison in London in November for sixteen armed robberies, fourteen of which were
committed with a cucumber wrapped in foil to resemble a gun. (In the other two,
he had used an iron bar because he said he could not afford a cucumber.) After
ach of the fourteen robberies, Coveley said, he would eat his weapon in a
sandwich.
----------------------------------------------------
Los Angeles Times, March 8:
The SR-71 Blackbird spy plane -- the one that made a 68-minute flight from
California to Washington, D.C. last Tuesday -- was originally called the RS-71.
But when President Johnson made the first public announcement of the Blackbird
during a national telecast, he called it the SR-71. So the designation was
changed on 30,000 engineering drawings of the aircraft, making it officially
the SR-71. If the boss says it's an SR-71, it's an SR-71.
----------------------------------------------------
from space digest, where there is an ongoing argument concerning the
fact that the guy from JPL who forwards all the JPL news uses the US system
of measurement (mistakenly called Imperial), and whether it should be metric ...
------------------------------
Date: 14 Feb 90 17:16:16 GMT
From: bnrgate!bnr-fos!bmers58!pdbain@uunet.uu.net (Peter Bain)
Subject: Re: Imperial measurements
There is a story about a software contractor who was hired to write
code to calculate range tables for the US Navy. They used feet for
altitude and statute miles for range. "No! We're the Navy. Use
NAUTICAL miles!" the Navy said. So the contractor changed the code to
use nautical miles for the range. And negative fathoms for the altitude.
-peter
----------------------------------------------------
From Risks Digest 9.61
Taken from the "Sydney Morning Herald" 15 Jan 90:
``A [Sydney] reader recalls his time in Zimbabwe, when computer setting
was installed at the country's main commercial printers. A supervisor
from the hot-metal printing days had always used a mallet to jog the
linotype machines back into action, and found that old habits die
hard. The result? A technician flown in from Johannesburg to repair
a badly bruised computer.''
----------------------------------------------------
An article in the Spring 1990 issue of Arlo Guthrie's Rolling Blunder
Review describing the risks of reading RBR concludes with the flawlessly
logical sentences:
"In other words, if our readers understand that they do not
understand what they are reading then they must possess an understanding
which is superior to the meaning which caused that misunderstanding.
"Only a sense of humor stands between pain and pleasure. Nothing
worth reading can be read."
Say, what?
----------------------------------------------------
Seen in an ad for a company that sells computer hardware:
Big Type: "100 Meg drive -- our best price! $888"
Lower down, in a list of drive/prices: "100 Meg -- $848"
----------------------------------------------------
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9
times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News, 1979)
"Give us a copper Guv" said the beggar to the Treasury
statistician, when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I
haven't eaten for three days." "Ah," said the statistician, "And
how does that compare with the same period last year?" (Russell
Lewis)
"I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call
for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want
is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political
statistic." (Winston Churchill)
----------------------------------------------------
"You haven't told me yet," said Lady Nuttal, "what it is your
fiance does for a living."
"He's a statistician," replied Lamia, with an annoying sense of
being on the defensive.
Lady Nuttal was obviously taken aback. It had not occurred to
her that statisticians entered into normal social relationships.
The species, she would have surmised, was perpetuated in some
collateral manner, like mules.
"But Aunt Sara, it's a very interesting profession," said Lamia
warmly.
"I don't doubt it," said her aunt, who obviously doubted it very
much. "To express anything important in mere figures is so
plainly impossible that there must be endless scope for
well-paid advice on the how to do it. But don't you think that
life with a statistician would be rather, shall we say,
humdrum?"
Lamia was silent. She felt reluctant to discuss the surprising
depth of emotional possibility which she had discovered below
Edward's numerical veneer.
"It's not the figures themselves," she said finally. "it's what
you do with them that matters." (K.A.C. Manderville, The undoing
of Lamia Gurdleneck)
----------------------------------------------------
Some fun answering machine messages:
"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they
here a busy signal."
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Hello, Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can not come
to the phone right now -- he's either saving the universe from some
dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name
and number after the beep and he.will.return.your.call.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
----------------------------------------------------
I used to work on a telephone testing switchboard, which had a test number used
by other telephone areas (complicated, but true :-). This number was only
used by pre-arrangement, so if it rang unexpectedly, it HAD to be a
wrong number.
If we were feeling malicious, the conversation went like this...
Hello, Swansea wrong numbers, can I help you?
er, who are you?
Swansea wrong numbers...
what do you do?
Every time someone dials a wrong number, we answer it and put
you right...
Oh... thank you... [hangs up]
I couldn't help wondering how long it took before the flaw
in the logic of what happened sank in!
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Service Interaction
This was in a letter from a friend of mine who works at XXXX. I thought it would be a good example of what feature interaction can actually do. . .
A particularly insidious kind of sales call now appearing in several cities is one which is initiated by computer, and contains recorded questions by some mellifluous voice that requires answers in simple digits or "yes" and "no". A voice recognition circuit then processes your answers and asks further questions based on your former answers. The sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will
just call back again.
One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows:
[PHONE] *RING*
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message. BEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
BEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]
My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called again.
----------------------------------------------------
These definitions were taken from "Whut Makes You Thank Teksuns Tawk Funny"
a dictionary of the Texas language by Ken Rigsbee
The Grayte State uh Teksus defines:
Aukerd- clumsy, inept, embarrassing. "Ah shore felt aukerd when thuh
outhouse wall fayul down."- awkward
Cawdja-past tense of "cawya". "Herd Joe cawdja last night."-Called you
Code-opposite of hot.
"Ah gotta code."- cold
Cuz-normally comes before reason.
"Ah didunt go ovur tuh town cuz Ah habumt got no money."- because
Everwonsinawhahl-periodically, but frequently.
"Ah git tuh drahv mah Pappa's pickem'up truk evurwonsinawhahl."-
ever once in a while
Frayed- an affirmative or negative response.
"Ahm frayed so." or "Ahm frayed not."- afraid
Guf- a large body of water for which a previously named large and
independent oil company was named ( since bought out).
"Thuh closest thang waygot tuh un oshun iz thuh Guf uh Messyco"- gulf
----------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his
light bulb.
A2: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from
the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by
the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being
at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and
not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include,
but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or
without elevation at his option, by means of a chair,
stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-
clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the
third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent
with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option
of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part
("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures
described in step one of this self-same document, being
careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, this point also being non-
negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the
option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all
persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the
most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also
known as "Partnership."
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page