Date: 24 Feb 90 20:29:00 PST (Saturday)
Subject: Life 6.1
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"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both
attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."
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Oxymoron: Standard UNIX
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"All the news that fits, we print" - A. E. Newman
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Yesterday I knew nothing,
Today I know that.
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Heard recently on National Public Radio; and rendered
here as semi-quote (common punctuation mark in Washington DC)
from memory, as best I can recall:
Here come Democrats,
Here come Democrats,
Throwing money a-way!
Lots of entitlements,
Lots of bureaucrats,
Eating money like hay!
Republicans act just like Scrooge,
They're counting nickels and dimes.
And so between them both you see,
It's Christ-mas All The Time!
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Q: What does the "N" on Nebraska football players' helmets stand for?
A: Knowledge.
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Heard in the hours following the arrest for District of Columbia
Mayor Marion Barry on narcotics charges in an FBI sting operation:
What is Mayor Barry's favorite television show?
``Totally Hidden Video''
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THESE TWO BROTHERS WENT TO CONFESSION, THE YOUNGER ONE WENT IN FIRST. THE
PRIEST ALWAYS LIKED TO ASK QUESTIONS FIRST TO THE CHILDREN SO THE PRIEST
ASKED THE LITTLE BOY DO YOU NOW WHERE GOD IS ? THE LITTLE BOY RAN OUT AND
TOLD HIS BROTHER LETS GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, THE PRIEST LOST GOD AND
WANTS TO BLAME IT ON ME...................................................
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TWO IDIOTS WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND ONE MAN SAID TO THE OTHER
LOOK AT THAT DEAD BIRD. THE OTHER ONE LOOKED TO THE SKY AND SAID WHERE?
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(From "News of the Weird")
Ernest Coveley, 37, was sentenced to seven years in prison in London in
November for 16 armed robberies, 14 of which were committed with a cucumber
wrapped in foil to resemble a gun. (In the other two, he had used an iron
bar because he said he could not afford a cucumber.) After each of the 14
robberies, Coveley said, he would eat his weapon.
From Toto Ltd. of Japan comes the Sound Princess, whose only function is to
emit the sound of flushing water so that modest public restroom users, who
flush to mask the sound of their activity, will not have to waste water.
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Never forget tht the darkest hour is only sixty minutes.
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(Contributed by Scott Gellerman)
The following quote is attributed to Neil Simon, who had just
moved from New York to Hollywood:
When it's 105 in NYC, it's 78 in LA. When it's 20 below in NYC, it's
78 in LA. Of course, there are 4 million interesting people to talk to
in NYC, and 78 in LA.
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The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
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From the first edition of a new UK newspaper "The Independent on Sunday".
A man in Barnsley Yorkshire has placed a bet with Ladbrokes (a licensed
betting company in the UK) of 220 pounds at odds of 5000 to 1 that a Maggie
Thatcher will be defeated at the next UK general election by a space alien!
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(From Newsweek Magazine, 5 Feb)
"Someday we will live in a world free of shallow people who make judgements
based on physical appearance. Until then, make your color and perm appointment
at the Jon Giannos Salon."
From an ad for the salon
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(From "Best of Business" magazine, Winter 1989)
Profits earned by Coca-Cola in Japan in 1987: $350 million
Profits earned by Coca-Cola in the United States in 1987: $324 million
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Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
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John von Neumann was in the audience at a physics talk. The speaker
had put up a slide showing some widely scattered points. The speaker
had bravely tried to fit a curve to the data, and had plotted a line.
Von Neumann leaned over to a friend and whispered: "well, at least they
lie on a plane."
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Estimated amount of fat surgically removed from Americans in 1988,
in pounds: 200,400
Estimated amount of silicone and collagen implanted in Americans in 1988,
in pounds: 63,250
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Amount of dehydrated, drug-free urine sold by Byrd Laboratories of
Austin, Texas, since 1986, in reconstituted gallons: 1,000
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Percentage of children in 1988 who said that Pee-wee Herman was
"highly qualified" to be president: 8
Percentage who said that Michael Dukakis was "highly qualified": 8
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"And Michael Dukakis, oh boy. Popularity really plummeting there.
In fact, even Willie Horton is claiming: 'Look, I hardly even knew the guy'."
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I don't know if this report was intended as a joke, but it was
reported on Q102 radio station monday in a serious manner. The
report stated that on the return flight to Denver from New Orleans
that John Elway's luggage was lost.
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why can't Elway use the phone anymore?
cause he can't find the receiver.
Why does Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
cause he's lost all 3 of his bowls.
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The real score of the game was not 55-10, but 55-31. The Broncos
hung around after the game and managed to put a few more points on the board.
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What is the difference between cherios and the Broncos.
A: Cherios belongs in a bowl!
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John Elway couldn't get into his house Sunday night - seems someone
had painted a goal line in front of his door!
After the fourth Super Bowl loss by the Denver Broncos coach Dan
Reeves has decided to retire. Most interested in filling in the
open is Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka. As many people know he
suffered a heart attack and his doctor has told him to stay as
far away from professional as possible...
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The Bronco 1990 football schedule:
September 11 they are playing the Club scouts, tropp 221
September 12 the Spanish American War Vets
...
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I read in the paper this morning that two of the Denver Broncos
playbooks were stolen. John Elway is very upset. He hadn't finished
coloring them.
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On the way from Effingham, IL to Evansville, IN there is an exit that veers
off to the right and ends about 15 feet later. The sign says "Lane Ends".
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On the way up I-5 in Oregon, there is a Sign that looks like:
|----------------------------|
| |
| BORING |
| OREGON CITY |
| |
| NEXT EXIT |
|----------------------------|
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Someplace is trying to get drivers to drive more safely and with more caution.
So, in an effort to show just what can happen and where, this Place is putting
up little 'coffin' signs at the sights of accidents.
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Actually, this isn't so weird. In Bolivia (where I'm from), they put crosses,
and flowers along side the road where there has been an accident. These stay
there for quite a long while. Some roads that are very twisted have these
almost everywhere. It sure gives foreigners a scare when they first see them
and are explained what they stand for. Then again, just driving around down
there is pretty scarry - one lane roads become two lane roads at the blink
of a traffic jam.
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You think that's bad. There's a railroad crossing in the Philippines
that was a site of frequent accidents. Despite numerous warning signs,
drivers often failed to check for trains before driving through.
As a final desperate attempt, the authorities built a platform and
placed on top a badly battered Volkswagen Beetle -- supposedly
driven by the latest careless driver.
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There's a sign near the Delaware Memorial Bridge tollbooth that says
INFORMATION
POLICE
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(Truth is always funnier than fiction - and this is a true story...)
A group of 4 Germans from an HP division in Germany came to San Francisco
and rented a car at the airport. As they took highway 101 (Bayshore
Freeway) from the airport south, they perhaps forgot about our rather
restrictive speed limits. Soon, they were pulled over for doing 100 mph.
Not in the least flustered, the driver feigned lack of English knowledge.
In broken English-German, he convinced the cop he thought 101 was the
speed limit. And he was let go.
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While driving between Madison WI and Milwaukee WI, there is a deer crossing
sign...but with a twist. As you drive up on it (especially at night) you
notice that someone stuck a red reflector at the tip of its nose...
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My favorite is on Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere in S. California.
"No motorized bicycles, horses or dogs allowed on pier"
Shades of the Bionic Woman...
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I recall seeing this sign in a cull-de-sac in Minnesota:
Street
Terminates
00 Feet
How's that for stating the obvious? (Your tax dollar at work :-)
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On I-90, in Washington State, near the Columbia River, a sign:
S C E N I C V I E W
[closed]
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A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway
"Hire college students while they still know everything"
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It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within boston confines.
Two people cannot kiss in front of a church.
All Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) are forbidden on Sunday.
Pedestrians always have the right of way.
Anyone may let there sheep and cows graze in the public
gardens/commons at any time except Sundays
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In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires
businesses within the city to provide rails for tieing up horses.
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There is/was a law on the books in Washington state that stated that a
motorcar driven at night must be preceded by something like 100 yards
by a man carrying a lantern.....
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Stupid laws: In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a sunday,
(this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also
legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything
else one might want to buy on a sunday!
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Silly laws
Pennsylvania:
In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's
Anti-Automobile society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they said:
1. "Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket
every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear."
2. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the
road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been
painted to blend into the scenery."
3. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner
must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes."
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Utah:
It is against the law to fish from horseback.
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Ohio:
In Bexley, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and
usage of slot machines in outhouses.
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Indiana:
Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking
a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.
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Kansas:
No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.
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California:
In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters
to crow within the city limits.
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Kentucky:
A Kentucky statute says:
"No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state
unless she is escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with
a club." Later, an amendment proposed: "The provisions of this statute
shall not apply to any female weighing less than sixty pounds nor exceeding
200 pounds; nor shall it apply to female horses."
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Oklahoma:
Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful
to put any hypnotized person in a display window.
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(From the February 1990 issue of Consumer Reports:)
Ready, world? A copier that's slower than a pencil
If you ever wanted to photocopy a letter or a recipe but haven't wanted to sink hundreds of dollars into a "personal" copier, you'll appreciate the appeal of the SONY HCP-C10 copier. (Photo posted outside SVHQ5 room 406)
The stylish little gizmo, no bigger than an electric shaver, sells for $160 and promises to put a copying machine in the palm of your hand. Using the SONY is simple enough: You move the "read" end of the copier across the material to be copied. Then flip the copier over and push the "print" end across the paper you're using for the copy. A plastic-film ribbon, good for about 50 feet of printing, transfers the text onto the paper.
What's the catch? We found several. The SONY copies only one LINE of text at a time. And not any line, mind you; the SONY couldn't handle type larger than the headline on this [article], and it couldn't produce acceptable copies of very small type, such as stock quotations from the newspaper. We had to move the copier at a stately pace of 75 seconds a line to make acceptable copies - that's 15 minutes to copy just a dozen lines of print. Pushing a pencil is faster and easier - not to mention cheaper.
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