Date: 11 Mar 89 22:30:22 PST (Saturday) Subject: Life 4.H ------------------------------ Heard today from an author promoting his book on a radio talk show: There's a curious but predictable result when these two people meet. One of them has a lot of money and the other has a lot of experience. After not too much time, the one with the experience has a lot of money and the one who had the money has a lot of experience. ------------------------------ I had spent almost the whole day walking on the Isle of Skye and I saw a bus going back to Portree, where I was staying. Buses on the islands are few and far between so I decided that I really was too tired to walk all the way back and I jumped on. I paid my fare and bagged a seat at the front, beside the driver. As we approached Portree the driver slowed near some cottages and stopped to pick up an old man who had stood at his gate to flag the bus down. He boarded the bus. The driver took his fare and said: `I'm sorry I didn't stop for you yesterday, I was full'. `It's all right', the old man replied, `I'm not in a hurry.' ------------------------------ Which reminded me of this one about Werner; What did Werner von Braun say after he invented the V-2? (slaps his forehead with palm of a hand) I could have had a V-8!! ------------------------------ A lawyer and friend are hiking in the wilderness when they come upon a mountain lion. As the lion crouches to spring, the lawyer removes his heavy pack and prepares to run. "Don't be silly.", his friend says, "You can't outrun a mountain lion." "I only need to outrun you.", the lawyer replies. ------------------------------ "Oh dear! I've missed you so much!" said the sweet young thing--then she raised the revolver and tried again. ------------------------------ In today's paper Miss Manners was asked how to handle people who call up and don't introduce themselves. Who say, "Sally, don't you recognize my voice, don't you know who this is?" Miss Manners suggested saying "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are either. Call me back when you remember." And then hang up. ------------------------------ Q: If a person has a bee in his hand, what does he have in his eye? A: Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder. ------------------------------ This joke has been told by many deaf people and has been recorded in a few books on deaf culture. The interpretation of this joke is mine, though. A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car. Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can't remember which room was his! He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the motel's windows lighten up -- except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window. ------------------------------ There was an amusing incident at the Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley years ago that had to do with this question. It seems that one of the professors was almost totally blind. One day, he accepted a ride to school with the Dean, who owned a British automobile, complete with right hand drive. They arrived at the parking lot just as a large proportion of the student body was showing up; panic was general. ------------------------------ God was disgusted with the music on earth, so he sat down and wrote a long symphony. And it had enough parts in it for everyone on earth. So, when performance time came up, he gathered all the people on the plains of Africa to play the piece. The angels lowered a gold directors stand. God himself stepped up on it, tapped his baton and started the music. The first movement was long, in fact about two and one half years. But it was so beautiful that nobody minded at all. The second movement was shorter, only about two years, but again so beautiful and flowing that no one even noticed how long it was. About a year into the third movement, there was a solo triangle part for a little shoemaker from Belgium. As one could guess, he missed his part. The whole orchestra stopped and glared at him for ruining the greatest piece of music ever written. God just looked out, tapped his baton and said, "OK folks, lets take it from the top." ------------------------------ Rinaldo's Laws As I will be leaving the Washington area in early May, I thought it appropriate to share the wisdom that I have accumulated thus far. These truths have come not as a vision but by observation over time. Accordingly, I have synthesized the following laws. Choreography is its own reward Some things are done only for the sake of form. Don't fight it by looking for substance in everything. Do it long enough and you'll find enjoyment in an elephant dance. He who does the work shapes it As applied to computers, he who writes the code rules (the Coding rule). In meetings, he who writes the minutes determines the outcome. The less the knowledge, the more jealously it is preserved Societies with only a few precious facts make their people memorize them and pledge to faithfully abide by them. In contrast, highly developed disciplines quit worrying about losing knowledge (unless the computer crashes and there is no backup). Excellence increases demands Critics gather to spot tinier flaws as work nears perfection. Promptness invites impatience. In correspondence, the faster you answer a letter, the faster your correspondent will answer giving you something with a shorter deadline. This reaches a fever pitch with electronic mail. Skills diminish professionalism Engineers who admit to drafting skills are vulnerable to assignment of drafting work, just to help out. Similarly, female professionals should hide any clerical skills lest they be asked to pinch hit for one of the secretaries in the event of illness. What separates the competent from the incompetent is the ability to cover up mistakes Many successful sales demonstrations have been made with defective products in the hands of competent persons who avoid demonstrating the features which don't work. Beautiful Xerox copies can be made from originals riddled with correction fluid. Recovery from some grievous errors can be attained by simply announcing, "No problem. We'll just put it back in the word processor!" The computer software profession seems to be the exception; who else is so blatant as to have a term such as "debugging" to let the world know that they need extra time funded by the customer to correct their own errors. Silence is not acquiescence Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they regain their composure. Quick-reaction and slow-reaction facilities rotate Once people discover that there is a quick-reaction facility (QRF), they will try to get all their work done there, bogging it down in work and leaving the slow-reaction facility (SRF) nothing to do, thus becoming the faster of the two. Complexity attracts brilliance The KISS (keep it simple, stupid) principle is no fun and certainly not a professional approach. If you want brilliant people to do work for you make it complex and demanding. The true professional will spend 20 hours at the computer writing a one-time-use program that will replace 10 hours of clerical work. Anyway, 20 hours at professional rates pays more than 10 hours at clerical rates. Also, it's more intellectually rewarding. The greatest achievement is to use one's finest professional talents to accomplish something that didn't need to be done. Bad guys are replaced Did you ever rejoice over the departure of someone that you couldn't get along with only to find that a replica has shown up? When you are trying to make a U-turn and you have someone tailgating you, have you pulled off on a side street, then into an alley only to find that two other cars are right behind you? ------------------------------ Diffusion and Driving Habits in the Boston Metropolitan Area The following was presented to me by Livia Racz (bink@athena.mit.edu). This comes from a lecture given by Professor D. R. Sadoway on atomistic diffusion... Most people drive by the vacancy mechanism. If you're standing at a traffic light, you'll notice that you get to move when the vacancy is in front of you. That's in most civilized places. Fortunately, you live in a part of the world where this is not the case. There are certain places where people drive by the interstitialcy mechanism; this is one of them. (The interstitialcy mechanism, for those of you who don't know, is where one atom knocks another atom out of its lattice site to an interstitial point, and the first atom takes its place...) ------------------------------ [From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th] "The University of Wisconsin presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates in May, but it took six months for someone to notice that the name of the state was misspelled 'Wisconson'." ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- * * * * Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] * * * * * * To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send * E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject * or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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