Date: 11 Mar 89 22:14:47 PST (Saturday) Subject: Life 4.E ------------------------------ Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska last week announced they have a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. ------------------------------ One day a Yankee businessman visits Russia. He goes to a car factory and talks to the workers in factory. He asks them : "Whose factory is this ?" They answer : "It's ours." Then he asks : "Whose cars are those in front of factory ?" They answer : "One belongs to the manager, the other to vice manager and the third one to the chairman of party." and then he leaves the factory. Next year the manager of car factory in Russia visits USA and he goes to a car factory. He asks the workers : "Whose factory is this ?" They answer : "It's the manager's factory." Then he asks : "Whose cars are those in front of factory ?" They answer : "They are ours." ------------------------------ When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this. The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don't you put up a sign reading 'Collective Farm'? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away." ------------------------------ In the Wall Street Journal, February 6, 1989 If China is a college classroom on capitalism, the Soviet Union remains a kindergarten. The point is brought home by the story told by Romano Prodi, chairman of IRI, the giant conglomerate of Italian state-owned companies, who recently returned from a visit with Mr. Gorbachev. Mr. Prodi was describing to the general secretary how Italian private companies operate more efficiently than state-run enterprises. Mr. Gorbachev asked why that is so. The Italian industrialist replied with a question: "Why does the hare, small and weak, consistently outrun the hound?" The Soviet leader was puzzled. "It is because the hare works for himself while the hound works for masters," explained Mr. Prodi. Mr. Gorbachev laughed appreciatively. He said he would tell it to the Politburo. ------------------------------ At the end of World War II Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin met at the famous Yalta Conference. During a break the three chiefs of state were relaxing. Wanting to show off a bit Roosevelt took out a silver cigarette case on which was engraved: "To FDR from a loyal Democratic Party". Not to be outdone Churchill took out a gold cigar case on which was engraved: "To Winston from the loyal Tories." Stalin then smiled broadly and reaching into his vest withdrew an enormous cigar case encrusted with rubies and emeralds on which was written: "To Count Esterhazy from the Vienna Jockey Club." ------------------------------ I stumbled upon a book (Yea, it was in my path) called 'America on Six Rubles a Day', by Yakov Smirnoff. I don't normally buy books - not if I can read them free - but this was so funny that I was still laughing when I paid the cashier. The cover shows Yakov with his new credit card: RUSSIAN EXPRESS Don't Leave Home. ------------------------------ From my friend who worked in a submarine for several years: JOIN THE NAVY -- IT'S NOT JUST A JOB, IT'S AN INDENTURE ------------------------------ Governments that don't trust most people with weapons, deserve no trust. ------------------------------ Reminds me of a true story I read years ago of a woman who was doing genealogical research on the branch of her family who had lived in the late 1800's in the territory which is now in Southeastern Arizona. Somehow she got lucky and found an old family Bible. (Traditionally, families would record birthdates, deaths, marriages, etc. inside the front cover). She was surprised to find several references to a great-great-.....great-uncle named Sylvester of whom she had never heard mention before, and she wondered why there had been no mention of him in other sources. The last Bible entry read something like this: "Sylvester died today of a sudden neck injury." She wrote down the date, looked up an old copy of the Tombstone Gazette for that day, and sure enough - you guessed it! Sylvester was hanged as a horse thief that day. ------------------------------ 1840: One day a bunch of Whigs went into a pub owned by Democrat (the other political party - whose candidate was Martin Van Buren). Harrison, the Whig candidate, had once professed to have a liking for hard cider (as proof of his common-folk roots). As a result, Whigs had a positive mania for the drink. Consequently, the whigs ordered hard cider. The barman protested he had none, but was pressed to produce some. He went out back and whomped up a batch of 'hard cider' made up of rainwater, vinegar, and whiskey. Judge Wilson, one of the Whigs, grabbed up the drink, proposed a toast to Harrison, but (luckily) took a sniff of what he was about to drink. He took a small taste, and put it down. "This may be good hard cider, but it will take a more patriotic Whig than I am to drink it!" he said. ------------------------------ 1828: A farm boy, having traveled to town to see Andrew Jackson speak, boasted on returning that the candidate had actually spoken with him. When asked what Jackson had said, the boy replied proudly, "He told me to get the hell out of the way!" ------------------------------ My mother sent me this from a recent Reader's Pablum -- er, Digest: On May 15, 1930, the first airline stewardesses boarded planes with the following set of instructions, notes an early Stewardess Manual: Keep the clock and altimeter wound up. Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded. Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows. Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit. ------------------------------ From the Civil War SongBook, published circa 1965. Articles of incorporation of the Springfield Militia 1. This Company shall be known as the Springfield Militia. 2. In case of war, this company shall immediately disband. ------------------------------ I think there was a slip-up on the one that started "It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian squaws" ... (isn't "Indian" with "squaw" redundant?). Actually, the weight of the boy baby born on the deer hide was 5 lbs. That of the one on the bear hide was 6 pounds, and that of the one on the hippo hide was 11 lbs, which showed that the squaw on the hippopotamus equaled the sons of the squaws on the other two hides. ------------------------------ There was a young witch named Samantha, but everyone called her Sam. She entered a witching contest, which is sort of like a fiddling contest, except people stand up and do performances of witchcraft. For her performance, Samantha enchanted an aquarium full of fish and made them sing a song. Unfortunately, the song was very long, and one of the fish was very badly out of tune. After a while, the audience and judges couldn't stand the dissonance any longer. They began pounding on their tables and shouting in unison "Tune a fish, Sam witch." ------------------------------ As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. ------------------------------ After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams" ------------------------------ Mostly from Another Almanac of Words at Play, by Willard Espy. It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. -- Rogers Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as a duchess. -- Dr. Johnson If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. -- Haskins Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. -- Goethe In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. Butler A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- Nietzsche The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Freud Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. -- Montaigne For a male and female to live continuously together is... biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. -- Robert Briffault A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno. Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one? ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with 15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject. Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
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