Date: 16 Jan 89 13:26:59 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 4.6
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How is Voyager 2 passing Europa like a huge database application?
They're both IO BOUND.
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On Jupiter's second moon few
Can consider themselves well-to-do
Though they work and they sweat
They are always in debt
'Cause their kids all attend Io U.
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-Sure, I'm majoring in comedy.....comedy, CS, same thing!!
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Never be angry when a fool acts like a fool. It's better when fools identify
themselves...it removes so much uncertainty. -Lord Peace, quoted by David
Pugh.
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Here in San Diego yesterday, a couple was awarded mega-coin from a jury. The
case was over a Sears(tm) battery that exploded during an attempted jump-start,
the man was injured rather severely.
Now, Hollywood wants to get involved. They have bought the rights for the movie
and have signed Bruce Willis. The movie will be called;
"Sears Die-Hard"
------------------------------
Then there's the woman who worked for the State Department. At a social event
one day, she met an envoy from Shanghai's Life Magazine office named Sam Rhee.
She spent all night talking to him, and after the party they parted ways. She
couldn't stop thinking about their conversation, however, and set out to find
him. Oddly, she couldn't locate him. His office would always reply that he
was out on assignment somewhere, and they didn't expect him back. This went on
for months, until one day she attended another party.
She was suddenly surprised to see the man of her affections enter the party,
and ran up the stairs to greet him, shouting "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life! At
last I've found you!"
------------------------------
A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he was
stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the floor that
he had just washed. It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER.
------------------------------
United Airlines saved $40,000 dollars this past year by eliminating one olive
from the salads of first class meals.
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Re: Cosmetic surgeons removed 200,000 pounds of fat from Lyposuction (sp?)
patients this past year. Question: What did they do with it?
Answer: most threw it away, but the cleverest of them put it back into the
patients, but in different spots. I am not kidding.
For example, a little fat taken from a jowl and reinserted under the lower
eyelid is said to make a face look better in both places: and there's no danger
of rejection ('cause it isn't foreign matter) and no requirement for FDA
approval (same reason).
------------------------------
Two Jesuit candidates are talking to their superior about a problem they both
have: impure thoughts. As a penance, the superior tells them that they must put
peas in their shoes for a week.
A few days later one of the Jesuits is walking down the street or I should say,
struggling. The dry hard peas in his shoes are killing him. He can barely walk
from the pain.
Punch line 1)
He meets his superior who says, "Hah, that'll make you limp!"
Punch line 2)
He meets the other Jesuit who is walking just fine, no trouble at all. When he
asks him about it, the other replies, "The superior didn't say we couldn't boil
the peas now, did he."
------------------------------
The Court of King George III London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly,
it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit
serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet
recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return
the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might
assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and
Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on
which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the
recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose
polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the
"opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate.
If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to
locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your
proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among
these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13
colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print
news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the
colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable
goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of
these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to
institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all
the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long
list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your
problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state
that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are
"Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change
to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps
will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found
that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later
on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your
strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will
constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and
vistas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since
Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment
of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your
undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and
manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of
Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due
date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original
signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
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