Date: 9 Jan 89 12:04:28 PST (Monday) Subject: Life 4.5 ------------------------------ Q: What's the difference between a Galley Slave and a Graduate Student? A: They occasionally feed Galley Slaves. ------------------------------ A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." ------------------------------ When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes! ------------------------------ Apparently, there was a Swiss Army Knife Society Convention in San Diego last weekend (supposedly a tongue-in-cheek gathering of people totally enamored with those handy little pocket wonders). A speaker read a TV promo from a recent Macgyver episode, "Macgyver must stop a bulldozer using only his Swiss Army Knife and a two-by-four", and someone in the audience asked "What does he need the two-by-four for?" ------------------------------ During Xmas vacation, for some reason my Dad had to look up "Czechoslovakia" in the encyclopedia. He was totally amazed that it was spelled C-Z-E (as opposed to C-H-E). Thinking he had discovered the ultimate brain teaser, he approached my sister several hours later: DAD: How do you spell "Yugoslavia" ? SIS: Y-U-G-O-S-L-A-V-I-A DAD: Wrong! Its Y-Z-U.....Uh....never mind.... Well....it was funny at the time. ------------------------------ 1) Did you hear about the accident between a cement mixer and a van on it's way to the state correctional facility? The Highway Patrol was looking for hardened criminals all over the place. ------------------------------ A biologist, an engineer and a mathematician were crossing the border into Scotland from England on a train when they saw a field with a black sheep in it. The biologist said "look, in Scotland the sheep are black". The engineer replied "no, in Scotland some of the sheep are black". The mathematician rolled his eyes to heaven and said, very patiently, "in Scotland, there exists at least one field, in which there is at least one sheep which is black on at least one side". ------------------------------ Someone reported to the police that a boy had been beaten up. After rescuing the boy and making sure he was okay, the police told him that they would take him to his mother. The boy said, "Don't take me there; she beats me." "Okay, then we'll take you to your dad." "No. He beats me, too." "Then, where would you like us to take you?" The boy said, "Send me to Ohio State; they don't beat anybody." ------------------------------ Where does an Eskimo keep his money? In a snowbank. ------------------------------ What happened to the Man who bought snow tires? They melted. ------------------------------ Stranger: Excuse me, do you have change for a twenty? Texan: Hey dude, around here twenty bucks is change. ------------------------------ Waiter what's this fly doing on my ice cream? Skiing, I believe sir. ------------------------------ New Father: How much do these diapers cost? Salesman: They are $2.69 plus tax. New Father: Skip the tacks, we'll pin them on. ------------------------------ A mother discovered her little daughter fighting with the boy next door. After parting them she lectured her little girl. "Next time," she admonished, "I don't want you hitting back at little Waldemar. Remember you are a lady. Out talk him." ------------------------------ Some background: HP's lab engineers name their products before they are released to the outside world. Sometime before release, HP marketing generates a product number (and sometimes a different product name) for our customers. For example, a product internally called 'Chipmunk' became the 9826A before it was shipped to customers. Around 1978, HP Fort Collin was developing a digitizer which was named DesCartes (pronounced Day-Cart). The digitizer was designed and released. A project was started to develop another digitizer; it was called DesHorses (pronounced Day-Horse). The reason given: HP always puts DesCartes before DesHorses. Another project was started that was called QWERT. QWERT was taken from the 1st 5 keys on a standard typewriter keyboard. After QWERT was released, an expanded QWERT project was started -- it was called GALLEON, because everyone knows that there are 4 QWERTS in a GALLEON. ------------------------------ Premises of the joke: 1) Mathematicians are prone to use faulty induction. 2) Physicists dismiss contradictory evidence as experimental error 3) Chemists make faulty observations So, let's get a thread going. Can you think of any other people to make fun of? Here's what comes to mind: Lawyers: one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, although there appears to be prima facie evidence that nine is not prime, there exists substantial precedent to indicate that nine should be considered prime. The following brief presents the case for nine's primness ... Liberals: The fact that nine is not prime indicates a deprived cultural environment which can only be remedied by a federally funded cultural enrichment program. Computer programmers: one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, five is prime, five is prime, five is prime, five is prime, five is prime, five is prime .... Bush: What's nine got against being prime? I'll bet it won't allow the pledge of allegiance to be said in our schools either. Richard Nixon: Put nine on the enemies list. I'm gonna get that number. Rec.humor poster: one is prime, one is prime, one is prime, one is prime Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student. Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ... Computer Scientist: 10 prime, 11 prime, 101 prime... Chemist: 1 prime, 3 prime, 5 prime...hey, let's publish! Measure nontheorist: there are exactly as many odd numbers as primes (Euclid, Cantor), and exactly one even prime (namely 2), so there must be exactly one odd nonprime (namely 1). New Yorker: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! Programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be fixed in the next release, ... C programmer: 03 is prime, 05 is prime, 07 is prime, 09 is really 011 which everyone knows is prime, ... BASIC programmer: What's a prime? COBOL programmer: What's an odd number? ------------------------------ Twas the nite before crisis, and all through the house, not a program was working, not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care, knowing chances of turnover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of inquires danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a super programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name: On Update! On Add! On Inquiry and Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Function Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, from weekends and nites in front of the screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk, and laying his finger on the lone "enter" key, the system came up and it worked perfectly! The updates updated, the deleted deleted, the inquires inquired, and the closings completed. He tested each bell, with nary an abend and all and gone well. The system was finished, the testes were concluded. The clients last changes were even included; then the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, "It's just what I asked for, but not what I want". Happy Holidays!!! ------------------------------ Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. Kirk: Then it's of external origin? Spock: Affirmative. Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. ------------------------------ A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects ... ------------------------------ Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. ------------------------------ Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. ------------------------------ One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 ------------------------------------------------------------ Buzz Word Easy Reference Guide Essentially complete...Half done. ------------------------------ Impact being determined...Where the hell are we? ------------------------------ We predict...We hope to God! ------------------------------ Drawing release is lagging...Not a single drawing exists ------------------------------ Risk is high, but acceptable...100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance. ------------------------------ Is producing increasingly good...It can now be read with the copies... naked eye. ------------------------------ Schedule resolution has a high priority....When we get around to it ... we'll find out where we are. ------------------------------ Potential show stopper...All program teams have updated their resumes. ------------------------------ Serious, but not insurmountable, problems...It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager. ------------------------------ Basic agreement, however...The S.O.B.s won't even talk to each other. ------------------------------ Results are being quantified...We are massaging the numbers so they'll agree without conclusion. ------------------------------ Very difficult to maintain the field...The bill of laden should call out 3 service reps to be shipped with each unit. ------------------------------ Task force to review...Gathering 7 incompetents for a decision. ------------------------------ Not well defined...Nobody's thought about it. ------------------------------ Requires further analysis and management attention....Totally out of control ------------------------------ Appears to be attainable...It will take a miracle. ------------------------------ Less than expected....Bombed out. ------------------------------ This is high risk program....No way we can make launch. ------------------------------ Schedule exposed...We slipped three weeks ago. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with 15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject. Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page