Date: 8 Dec 88 15:28:03 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life 4.2
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Steve Wright:
I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift
Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its
"Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards.
I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said,
"Hey, these records are all blank."
I filled out an apllication that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:". I wrote
"Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay
up there...Confuse the hunters.
I realized that sponges grow in the ocean. If they didn't, would the ocean be deeper?
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
When buying clothes, I wear an extra medium.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side,
and then walk around like this (frantically looking around while pretending
to push stroller)..."You had a brother, but he was bad."
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."
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Boy's Life, May 1973:
Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: Well, you could try.
Lionel: What's the difference between a teacher and an engineer?
Tyronne: A teacher trains minds; an engineer minds trains.
Door-to-door Salesman: Is your mother home?
Little boy: She sure is, or I wouldn't be painting these flowers boxes.
A hunter hired a Maine guide to lead him though the wilderness. By the
end of the third day, the hunter discovered that they were walking in circles.
"We're lost," complained the hunter. "I thought you were the best guide in Maine."
"I am," replied the guide, "but we're in New Hampshire now.'
Whittaker: When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help?
Edmond: When he's hanging by his teeth.
Dan: Mom, I's sick.
Mom: When does it hurt?
Dan: Doing the dishes.
What's the new halfback's name?" asked the coach of the trainer. "Ossowinsinsiski,"
the trainer answered. "Good," said the coach with satisfaction. "Put him
on the first team. Boy, will I get even with those wise newspaper reporters!"
----------------------------------------------------
Boy's Life July 1973
There was a young lady from Kent
Whose nose was most terribly bent
One day she chose
To follow her nose
And nobody knows where she went!
Tom: What has two humps and is found in Alaska?
Jerry: A lost camel.
Bystander: Have an accident?
Victim: No, thanks, I just had one.
Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.
Wheather: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Ornort: Hailing taxies.
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...and never eat your turkey w/o dressing... cuz if you do, you might catch a chill...
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Yugo...the world's first disposable car
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Here are some definitions I thought were appropriate to the way we do things around here!
Industry Leader:
A company with any or all of the following characteristics: (1) Profitability,
(2) the most pages of advertising in the trade press in a given year, or
(3) has filed the most patent infringement suits against competitors
Team Effort:
A project that no one person understands well enough to claim credit for.
Ballpark Figure:
Estimated number pertaining to a company's performance, so called because
it comes from out of left field.
Taken from "The Devil's Dictionary"
Computer Systems News 11/14/88
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This week is a perfect opportunity to find out the true age of those individuals
who are always evasive on the point. Just ask them what they were doing when
they heard about president Kennedy's assassination! They will be telling you
long before they realise that you can add 25 to what you can easily surmise
to be their age at the time of the said activity.
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You know the difference between the American and the Canadian Senate?
In the US, you have to win an election to get in.
In Canada, you have to lose one.
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Friend of mine, Hilary, was bothered by a group called the Children
of God. "Did you know that God gave up his only Son, FOR YOU?" they'd
ask, and they had leaflets made up with plenty of Did you know...FOR YOU?
Hilary was tired of the assault and prepared a counterattack.
She made up her own leaflets describing her group, the Children of Odin.
Did you know that Odin gave up his Right Eye...FOR YOU?
and on and on...
They left her alone after that too.
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Wet Blankets through History
To help develop an open-minded and defiant attitude to others' rejection
of your ideas, remember that many creative contributions are initially met
with skepticism, if not outright hostility. Keep a list of creative contributions
that we now know to be significant but that were once thought to be crazy,
stupid, useless, offensive and doomed to failure. The next time you or someone
you know has a new idea, creation or innovation, remember this list. Remind
yourself that it is far better to give an idea a chance - or at least to
not immediately shoot it down - than to be one of those who always say "Won't
work" or "Bad idea" or "Too risky" and, hence, never do anything great.
Here are some examples:
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western
Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates
in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a "C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor
in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"Im just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." Decca
Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president,
Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature
was full of examples that said you can't do this." Spencer Silver on the
work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or
we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come
work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,
and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college
yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and
H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have
to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training." Response to Arthur Jones, wo solved the "unsolvable" problem
by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill
for oil in 1859.
"I think there's a world market for about five computers." Thomas J Watson,
Chairman of the Board, IBM.
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral
William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." Harry
Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving
Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand
Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell,
Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
----------------------------------------------------
A rabbi is trying to explain Judaism to a Nazi.
Rabbi: "I will explain Judaism to you after first asking three questions.
Number one: Two men fall down a chimney but only one gets dirty.
Who will wash?"
Nazi: "The dirty one of course."
Rabbi: "No, the dirty one will look at the clean one and think `Gee, we were
lucky, neither of us got dirty' while the clean one will look at the
dirty one and think `Oh dear, we got dirty. I'd better wash.'"
Nazi: "Very clever Jew. Ask me another question."
Rabbi: "All right. Number two: Two men fall down a chimney but only one
gets dirty. Who will wash?"
Nazi: "Well...the clean one then."
Rabbi: "No, the clean one will look at himself and think `My I was lucky.
I fell down a chimney and didn't get dirty' while the dirty man
will look at himself and think `Oh dear. What a mess I am. I must
wash myself'".
Nazi: "Very, very clever Jew. Ask me the third question."
Rabbi: "All right. Number three: Two men fall down a chimney but only one
gets dirty. Who will wash?"
Nazi: "But that is the same question as the first two!!"
Rabbi: "Kindly answer the question."
Nazi: "The clean one."
Rabbi: "No."
Nazi: "The dirty one then."
Rabbi: "No."
Nazi: "All right, I give up."
Rabbi: "The answer is that the question is ridiculous. How could two men
fall down a chimney and one get dirty but the other not? Anyone who
cannot fathom this simple truth cannot understand the sublime truths
of the Talmud."
----------------------------------------------------
A great Soviet general was once asked by his adjutant, "Comrade General,
what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?"
The general replied, "I will explain it to you with an example. A filthy
man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Of course," replied the adjutant.
"No, you're wrong," said the general. "A filthy man is filthy by his nature,
and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of
cleanliness, will bathe."
"I understand, comrade general."
"Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside
a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Absolutely not," replied the adjutant immediately.
"You're wrong again," said the general. "Why should a filthy man not
enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to
become clean, and he will use it."
"I think I understand, comrade."
"Now, one last example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house.
Will he go in?"
"How the hell should I know?"
"Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic."
----------------------------------------------------
Terrible Truths
(And Other Principles Of Disaster)
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything
that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things
going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the
one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will
anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible
ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then
a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from
bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you
have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything
foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses
more soap than a thin person.
Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to
5 against.
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several
miles from the next freeway exit.
Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less
competition.
Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond
your control.
Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than
out of.
Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere
with doing the right thing.
Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can
make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Johnny Carson's Definition: The smallest interval of time known
to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic
signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his
horn.
Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato should be
conducted in private.
The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly
right.
Zall's Laws: (1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the
next thing you do will be wrong. (2) How long a minute is,
depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.
Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger
starves last.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the
wrong conclusion with confidence.
Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you
stop breathing.
Knebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one
of the leading causes of statistics.
The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An
object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner
liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that
it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
----------------------------------------------------
I saw a magazine blurb the other day that says that some Japanese company
- Sharp, I think it was - is already selling in Japan, and is about to begin
sellling in the U.S., an audio cassette recorder which, when you push the
start-record button, begins recording as of 15 seconds before you push the button.
That's right - 15 seconds *before* you push the button.
It's got a built-in 15-second-long digital delay line on the audio input,
so that whenever it's recording it's recording what happened 15 seconds ago.
Cute, huh? Works nicely for capturing something that somebody just said
a few moments ago, either because you missed it the first time, or you want
to hear it again, or you want to blackmail the speaker, or whatever.
The neatest thing about this, it seems to me, is imagining the thing taken
to its logical extremes. For example, imagine what happens when shift-register
memory gets cheap enough that you can easily afford a 15-year-long audio/video
delay line packaged into your cigarette-pack-size, 360-degree-solid-angle
cam-corder. Fun, huh?
I'm reminded of a sci-fi story I read some years ago, can't remember who
wrote it, wherein a guy has invented a time-scope, a machine that lets him
snoop on the past. The whole point of the story turns out to be that by
far the most significant consequence effect of such a machine is that it
lets you snoop on the arbitrarily-recent past, which is effectively the present.
In other words, his machine for seeing the past turns out to be effectively,
and much more significantly, a machine for snooping on anyone and anywhere
in the present. (Not that this is by any means quite the same thing as the
delay-line recorder mentioned above, just enough similarities to be interesting.)
(Big Brother is Watchman-ing You!)
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
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