Date: 8 Dec 88 15:27:06 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life 4.1
----------------------------------------------------
It occurred at a party. A male guest tried to introduce himself to a female
guest with whom he was not acquainted.
"Hello, I'm ---"
"A MOTEL????" she interrupted, very conspicuously, near the top of her lungs.
"What?"
"WHY DO YOU WANT TO TAKE ME TO A MOTEL????"
"I never said anything about any ---"
"I'M NOT GOING TO ANY MOTEL WITH YOU AND THAT'S FINAL!!!"
Of course, he decided she was out of her mind and moved away, avoiding her
the rest of the evening.
But about a half hour later she tapped him on the shoulder from behind. He
turned around to see who it was, recognized her, and backed away.
"Wait, please," she said. "I'm sorry about what I did earlier, but you see,
I'm a psychology student, and I'm doing research on how people react to
unexpected stresses and other difficult situations. Please let me apologize."
"TWO HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS????"
----------------------------------------------------
At hp, occasionally a manual will leave for the print shop with the jokes
left in it. Two that I've seen are:
The hp 9000 series 500 has a 'tunefs' command which has, in its man page,
the quote: "You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish".
The 9885 Service Manual (years ago, and this isn't the exact text). It
seems that the drive motor had 3 carefully-tightened screws in it, and the
manual didn't want people to fool with them. So, after describing the screws
with a picture, a warning is printed:
--------------
WARNING
Do not remove the 3 factory-sealed screws in the drive motor.
--------------
Some pages later in the manual, the subject is again brought up.
--------------
WARNING
Do not remove the 3 factory-sealed screws in the drive motor.
Doing so will cause the drive motor to fall apart.
--------------
And finally, a few pages later, the 3rd warning for people who
didn't get the message:
--------------
WARNING
Do not remove the 3 factory-sealed screws in the drive motor
or your left ear will fall off.
--------------
Happy Thanksgiving!
----------------------------------------------------
In article [1160004@hprnd.RND.HP.COM], clw@hprnd (Carl Wuebker) writes:
|
| At hp, occasionally a manual will leave for the print shop with the jokes
| left in it. Two that I've seen are:
|
| The hp 9000 series 500 has a 'tunefs' command which has, in its man page,
| the quote: "You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish".
That was in the original 4.2bsd manual, along with another page that
says something about "this manual page is obscure".
But, I managed to sneak one in (don't tell anyone :-) into Tandem's
SAFEGUARD Reference Manual that passed the editor. I don't have the
book in front of me to quote, but here's what I remember.
The discussion was about adding access control lists to devices.
Devices are named with a dollar-sign followed by one to six letters or
digits. Somewhere in one of the examples, I managed to sneak in
$BOSTON and $MIAMI as the names, so the very last sentence ended
something like: "and that will add an access control record to the
$MIAMI device". (Groan! Jan Hammer theme music coming up in
background...)
And it stayed.
I also got a reference into Tandem's Security Administration Guide
about the incompatibility of Coke(tm) and computer peripherals. Check
it out if you can. The first entry in the index is "Absolute
Security, Practical Impossibility of". (deliberate jab.)
----------------------------------------------------
And while we're on the topic of social parasitism, how do you handle tele-
phone sales calls? These retarded planaria call around dinner time, frequently
interrupting the practice of culinary esthetics, always opening with a
leading line like "Good evening, M(r/s). Salesvictim. How are you today?"
When I'm in a rush or a (rare) serious mood, I simply say "I'm sorry, I do not
accept telephone solicitations." This works well, the salesindividual doesn't
push the matter, and the transaction is concluded with courteous words.
** BUT THAT'S NO FUN! **
I used to have an old 300 baud modem that I kept plugged into the phone line,
and when the phone-pusher got into his/her spiel, I'd just reach over and
switch that modem on.
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!
It was a kick listening to the salesworm shouting "HELLO! CAN YOU HEAR ME?
HELLO! HELLO?" Sometimes, to ice the cake a bit, I'd start shouting similar
things.
Two drawbacks to this: 1- It meant I had to be near the modem to do it, and
with five telephones, it frequently couldn't be done. 2- The turkeys tended to
call back, thinking they had gotten a bad connection, which they had, but it
was me, not the equipment.
So, my current system:
These folks have a standard set of responses to most things you might say, so I
give a non-commital remark or two which starts them in on their pitch. (I'm
sure they usually are reading cue-cards; some of them go on in such a sing-song
cadence. I wonder if they have any idea how silly they sound. End digression.)
I just let them talk and talk, all they want to. Then, they end with some
question which tries to get you to commit yourself, even a little bit, to the
validity of the statement they've just made -- which, of course, is tantamount
to admission that you really NEED to purchase the rutabaga fritters that this
ethical throwback is selling. When that question is asked, I just let them
listen and listen and listen. Soon, the "HELLO! CAN YOU HEAR ME?" starts up,
and I listen with silence and a big grin. Eventually, for even people out of
this low mold have limits to their patience, the snake oiler gives up and puts
the phone down with disgust and, frequently, a choice bit of invective.
It makes my day!
----------------------------------------------------
Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.
I had a friend who liked to play with the phones. He got his girlfriend
to sound like an operator and make a tape saying:
"I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will
you please hang up and let it dial again...[crackle] I'm sorry, the..."
He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it.
I once answered the phone as follows.
" San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?"
After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click. About five minutes
later, the phone rang again. This time my roomate answered. It was the same
person that had called a few minutes earlier. It turned out that the long
delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his
next call. He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to
call us. I don't think he talked civil to me for a week...
My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight,
waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer. Invariably,
they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated, with bar-crowd
noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy, whoever that was,
and my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy living there, and that
he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't believe her, and kept insisting,
begging, pleading, etc. to talk to Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just
hang up finally.
This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang,
my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and
got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and
quick, and went something like this:
"Hello?"
"Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?"
"No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing the baby."
Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general:
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer
(suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to
sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion.
I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.
A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone
solicitors. My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave
permission to post it:
"My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this
conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card
type and date of expiration."
Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless. One guy replied, "Hey,
that's good; I'll have to remember it." Once a supervisor of
telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of
high-powered lawyer."
----------------------------------------------------
Some answering machine messages:
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of
them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave
it to Vanna White. Sorry.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message...leave a message....etc.
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...the telephone is next to an
answering machine...you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine...you hear a beep....
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word
is supercilious ...}
[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
----------------------------------------------------
Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What
goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and
embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is
discovered, with it going something like this:
caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..."
me: "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.."
murf
How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this:
[Whoever] here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you?
----------------------------------------------------
Try the following next time the phone rings:
You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there?
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
You: Oh. Sorry.
Caller: No problem... (click)
----------------------------------------------------
UC Berkeley, since it is a state funded public university, charges
non-California residents an extra tuition fee which amounts to about
$5000 a year. So they have an obnoxious way of making sure all students
who claim to be residents are indeed residents.
Having gone to school in San Francisco for over four years before
going to college, I did not expect any problems.
Later, I received a letter from Sproul Hall (the great bureaucratic
god of UCB) stating that they had information that leads them to believe
that my mother was not indeed my mother and that I was a non-resident
posing as a resident. Pretty interesting. My mother was more surprised
than I was.
Two of my other friends at my high school also were classified as
non-residents for no particular reason other than they did not provide
enough proof that they lived in California for more than three years.
I wonder how those bureaucratics figured out our commute.
Hmm, if all three of us lived out of state, yet went to high school
in San Francisco, how did we commute?
It boggles the mind.
----------------------------------------------------
This was published in The South Texas Fisherman, sometime 1972. I'd
like to take credit for it but the "Bill Kennedy" author is Sr, I'm Jr.
TALKING TO FISH
by Bill Kennedy
A character in one of Shakespeare's plays, boasting of his accomplishments
said "I can call up monsters from the vasty deep." Any fisherman could have
given the answer: "So can I and so can any man, but will they come?" Men
and women have been calling to fish, pleading with them and swearing at them
without response since the beginning of time. A federally supported research
project may change that situation.
Working with the whale family (porpoise or dolphin), scientists in Florida
have set out to translate fish language. They are not far along yet but
have made some headway. Various clicks and whistles have been recorded
that indicate, at least in the whale family, one fish has a way to commun-
icating what is on his mind to another fish. If the research continues as
planned, it should be only a matter of time until man will be able to
reporoduce fish noises and communicate what is on his mind to bass, perch,
and catfish.
All right-minded fishermen agree that fish-talk research projects should
be cancelled and the scientists in it forced to seek other employment.
The reasoning behind this point of view is simple and sound. If the
research continues to its logical conclusion, fishing will cease to be
the pleasant and relaxing sport that it now is. Fishing will become a
business of bellowing speeches in fish language designed to convince fish
that they would be better off on the bank or in the boat than they are in
the water. In such circumstances any fool knows who the men that will
catch all the fish will be. They will be politicians!
--
----------------------------------------------------
THANKSGIVING HUMOR:
This is a selection from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened",
a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth graders and
compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist.
PILGRAM INTERUPTERS
The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship
as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here
because they heard that American churches were different.
The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a
bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the
captain.
First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started
developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm
blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They
spent the winter there.
Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of
Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this
hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor
of Plymouth Rock.
A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by
putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to
America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and
translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.
Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that
because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers
freedom of goverment in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks
for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.
The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham
Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national
holiday all around the world.
These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them.
The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls
wore funny bonets.
But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States
wouldn't be like it is today.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life humor collection maintainer, selections from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
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