Date: 21 Nov 88 15:17:48 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 3.S
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Attached to a Lincoln Town Car:
IOU IRS
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"Give me a place to sit, and I'll watch."
-- friend of Archimedes
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"Great leaders are rare, so I'm following myself."
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An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
The American says, "I can't belive you don't have cars here! How do you
get to work?"
The Russian replies, "We take bus."
The American asks, "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
The Russian replies, "We take train."
The American asks, "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
The Russian replies, "We don't want go abroad."
The American presses further and asks, "Well, what if you really HAVE to
go abroad?"
The Russian replies, "We take tanks."
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Once upon a time, in the days of glassnost and perestroika, Russians decided
to enter a derby race. Tass and Pravada gave a lot of publicity (started to be
capitalistic). Even some betting was allowed on Russian horse!!!
Then came the D-day. And next day the headlines ran that Russian horse came
second in the race (Russian networks talked about it the night before).
It was a moment of celebration and pride for the country.
But!!!!!!! There were only two cars in the race.
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Here's one from an old Czech general:
During the 1968 invasion of Czechoslovakia, one tank crew from the Ukraine
became very nervous as their tank was pelted with rocks, bottles, and
other objects. Finally, the crew decided the escapade wasn't worth the
risk, and decided to return to Kiev.
"But, Vladmir," asked the gunner, "we can barely see out of the tank.
How will we know when we are back in the Ukraine?"
"That is no problem," the driver replied, "I will be able to tell by
simply sticking my hand out of the tank."
Confused but anxious to return home, the crew turned the tank and began
driving. Finally, they stopped, and the driver stuck his hand out of
the top door.
"Nyet," he said, "this must be Romania."
Again they drove, and finally they paused while the driver again put
his hand out of the tank.
"Nyet," he said, "this must be Bulgaria."
They continued their journey, finally stopping again, while the driver
repeated the act of sticking his hand out of the tank.
"Ahh, Comrades! We are back in the USSR!" he declared.
Surely enough, when the crew emerged from the tank they were in Kiev!
"How could you tell our location so easily?" asked the gunner.
"Well," replied the driver, "the first two times I put my hand out,
someone spat on it. But the last time someone stole my watch!"
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Q. Are there any historical precedents for the Soviet system of elections?
A. Yes, in the story of the creation. God made Eve, put her in the Garden of
Eden, and said to Adam: "Now choose a woman."
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On the Autobahn connecting W. Berlin with the rest of W. Germany:
East German authorities record the time you enter the motorway
and the time you get to the other end.
If you go too slowly, you are charged with spying.
If you go too quickly, you are charged with speeding.
(courtesy of the Mean Value Theorem)
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Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs. The waitress asks "How would you
like those eggs cooked?" The guy says "Hey, that would be great."
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Q: What do you get when you kiss a galactic frog?
A: Star Warts.
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"Man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten
to the punch".
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:The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
:constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
:appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
:statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
:also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
: -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
:
Obviously Xerox (tm) remembers when the Indiana state legislature came
within one vote of "simplifying" the value of pi to 3.2.
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"No job too big; no fee too big!" --Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
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Doctors have it made.
A vet says, "Does it hurt when I do this?" He gets bitten when it does.
You want to see a real whopping doctor bill? Send your kid to med school.
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You know, that's the difference between a Comic and a Comedian:
A comic says funny things
A comedian says things funny
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Difference between US & UK...
UK - 100 miles is a long distance.
US - 100 years is a long time.
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Mark Twain was once chatting with a Mormon; the Mormon was defending
the practice of polygamy. Finally he challanged Twain to quote a
single verse from the Bible that clearly proscribed polygamy.
Twain's answer: "No man can serve two masters."
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There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
-- Mark Twain
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You have to admire trees. Even though they start to lose their leaves,
they never consider growing a beard.
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From The Wall Street Journal today:
Ever notice, when finally you've got to a position where you're holding all
the cards, that everybody else is playing chess?
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Q: How do you double the value of a Hyundai?
A: Fill it with gas.
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BMW = Bring My Wallet
Okay, this but this is funny:
My bro is a mechanic and I was in his shop last week while he was
looking at car.
Customer, "Is it serious?"
My Bro, "Naw, nothing here that money can't cure."
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The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of
his parish with a basket of kittens.
"Hello little girl what do you have there?"
"These are my democratic kittens," she replied.
Two weeks later the same minister noticed the same little
girl with the same basket of kittens.
"My, I see you still have your democratic kittens"
"I beg your pardon, these are Republican kittens," she replied.
"Two weeks ago they were democratic kittens," he said.
"Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed," she replied.
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"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain??
Why on earth is that?"
"It's never been used!"
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Back in the early days of Nissan, before "Human Engineering", even
before they came up with the name Nissan. Yes, back when they were
known as Datsun. They were attempting to break into the American market
when the most popular vehicle of the year was the Buick Roadmaster.
The people at Datsun decided to win the American people over with service
and quality.
The first years model had only one snag, a cog in the drive train was
not made to the proper precision. After 800 miles, it would cause the
transmission to drop. They had several hundred models at dealers in
Chicago that all needed replacement parts right away.
So the execs in Japan, after executing the engineers and all the managers
in between, had the new cogs made and sent out on a specially chartered
cargo jet.
The jet was on its way to Chicago, when it hit some turbulance. The
turbulence was so great that the crate of cogs went flying against the
door, shattered the crate, knocked the door open and fell out near
Cedar Rapids Iowa.
On the ground, a farmer and his son were putting the cows in the barn
when they looked out and saw the cogs spewing forth from the sky.
The son proclaimed, "Look Dad, it's raining datsun cogs!".
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Objoke: 4 rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and 3
were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd
rabbi out, with the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement
that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a
higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart
that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, so
they too will know that I understand Your laws."
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It
rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right,
I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that
stormclouds form on hot days.
So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I
am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign."
This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to
form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree
ten feet away from the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I
told you I was right!" insisted the loner, but the others insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural
causes.
The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth
shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
and says, "Well?" "So," replied another, "now it's 3 to 2!"
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Why are synogoges round?
So the jewish people have nowhere to run when they pass out the collection
plate.
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Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go
to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his
problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams"
said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish
holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a
Jewish Holiday."
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One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers'
capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two
neckties on Chanuka.
"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was
wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried
back. "Look, Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
"Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"
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"If God wanted us to have a president, He would have sent us a candidate."
-- Jerry Dreshfield
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Yesterday I became a Jehova's Witness. Not because of the religion but
so they would stop comming to my house.
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A man walks into a pet shop to buy a bird. He sees a parrot sitting
on a perch saying "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven!" and "Polly want
a biscuit!"
He says to the proprieter of the shop, "What's wrong with that parrot?
Shouldn't it be saying "Pieces of Eight" and "Polly want a cracker?"
The owner says, "That bird is for sale at a reduced rate. It has a
parroty error."
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Many years ago, the conductor of the New York Philharmonic
Orchestra was a man named Josef Stransky. Stransky was
arrested, tried, and convicted for perpetrating violence
on Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms, and other victims. He was
sentenced to death in the electric chair.
On the day appointed for his execution, Stransky was strapped
into the lethal chair. The executioner stepped up to the
switch, and pulled it!
BUZZZZZ!!! ZAPPPP!!! When the smoke cleared, the witnesses
were astonished to see Stransky still very much alive, smiling
at them from his seat in the Chair.
The executioner, puzzled, thought there must have been a
fault in the wiring, so he called the Chief Electrician.
The electrician came, took one look at the scene, and
said,
"You cannot execute this man! You see.....
"HE'S A NON-CONDUCTOR!!!"
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A local throwaway paper has a column called News of the Weird which
may be syndicated. Excerpting...
Oops!:
On July 4, a forty-nine year old Chicago man, pretending to drown in
the Fox River near Elgin, Ill., in order to scare his three kids into
behaving better, drowned.
George Bush's August message attempting to woo the support of the
National Letter Carriers missed its mark because campaign officials
sent the message by Federal Express, whose deliveries the union refuses
to accept.
Least Competent Criminals:
A twenty-four year old prison parolee was arrested in June for
violating his restrictions after he decided to go swimming at a public
pool. He was required by pool employees to check his clothes, which
included a gun he wasn't supposed to have. He handed over the gun but
told the attendant he would shoot him if he called the police, but the
attendant called anyway.
In August, a Los Angeles man who said later that he was "tired of
walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until one
officer jumped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
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Again, the truth is funnier than fiction
In Phila 11/7/88 :
The police raided a drug house, seizing coke and crack
and the 5 drug dealers in the house. As they are
raiding the place, the phone rings. An officer answers
"Hello?" The voice says "I coming over with the coke
now" The officer says "Sure, come on over". The
police wait. Sure enough, not one, but four people
arrive at the house with 2 kilos of cocaine.
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I moved to toronto in september to start grad school. By october everyone
(family, creditors etc) had my new address, but I wasn't receiving any
mail. My former roommates had forwarded me things, and my parents had sent me
mail but none of it arrived.
Well I talked to the Canada Post supervisor, and he didn't know why my mail
wasn't arriving, and the letter carrier was not available.
I left a note for the letter carrier to see me the next day. When the carrier
arrived she appologized for the problem, she knew why I wasn't getting any mail.
It seems that there was another TAKEFMAN on my street ( a really distant cousin
whom I didn't know (6th cousins)) and she assumed that all the mail to my
address was actually mislabeled and for my cousin down the street. Even though
his first name is Leo which doesn't sound or look like michael.
What really surprises me is 1) my cousin didn't think to bring the mail
to my house to check. 2) a Canada Post employee showed so much initiative
(naturally all wrong, but what else is new).
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* FLASH! *
ARMONK,NY -- International Business Machines, Inc. (IBM) announced today
that it is changing the corporation's name in an effort to "shed our image
as and old-fashioned, lumbering giant incapable of offering new ideas."
The new name: IBM2 (International Business Machines 2).
Industry analyst expect Big Blue to have no trouble gaining market
acceptance of its new identity.
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I never knew that IBM stood for International Business Machines.
Itty Bitty Morons
Inferior But Marketable
I Blame Microsoft
Interesting But Moronic
It's Bit- Mapped
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
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