Date: 2 Nov 88 18:47:21 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 3.Q
----------------------------------------------------
Steven Wright:
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'
----------------------------------------------------
All those "Union Yes!" commercials being shown on TV were delayed 5 months
because of the writers strike.
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
----------------------------------------------------
In Russia, it's very hard to get Vodka. There are very very long
lines. So one day, these two friends, Ivan and Micheal, are standing in
line for Vodka. They've been there for four hours. Ivan just can't stand
it any longer, so he says to Michael, "I'm going to take my gun and go shoot
Gorbachov!" He's gone for an hour, and when he comes back Michael says,
"Well, did you kill him?" Ivan replied, "No, that line was even longer!"
----------------------------------------------------
Comrade Popov was taking trips to various cities. From Warsaw
he sent back a postcard: Greeting from Free Warsaw. From Czechoslovakia
on the next trip he wrote: Greeting from Free Prague. He traveled on to
Bulgaria and wrote back: Greetings from Free Sofia; and then to Hungary,
writing a card back: Greetings from Free Budapest. Finally he reached
Vienna and wrote his last card: Greetings from Free Popov.
----------------------------------------------------
"There are three kinds of Jews in Moldavia (Moldavian Republic in USSR):
the Pessimists -- they are learning English,
the Optimists -- they are learning Moldavian (indigenous language), and
the Realists -- those are learning the design and operation of machine guns."
----------------------------------------------------
"I ran three miles today....ahh, finially I said,"Lady, take your purse."
-Emo Philips, from E=mo
"If I wasn't here, right now there would be a pile of clothes"
-Bob Rubin, at the Punchline
----------------------------------------------------
Thomas Jefferson's admonition: "A people who expect to be ignorant and free
expect what never will, and never can, be."
----------------------------------------------------
We had a primary here a few weeks ago. Herbert Connolly, a candidate
for reelection to the Governor's Council (a largely ceremonial body
dating from the 1600s) lost by one vote, to Robert B. ("No relation")
Kennedy, 14,716 to 14,715.
Now it turns out that Connolly was so busy campainging that he
neglected to go and vote for himself. Who says your vote doesn't
count?
Well, I thought it was funny.
----------------------------------------------------
This guy and his wife were driving down the road when they passed a dead
bunny lying in the road. The wife screamed and begged her husband to go
back and help the little bunny. The husband went up to the bunny and looked
at it and sure enough it wasn't movin' or breathin' or anything. Sooo--
the husband looks around the roadside for something to help him with the
bunny -- he finds this bottle of clear liquid and he pours the liquid over the bunny.
Sure enough the bunny jumps up and starts hopping around - the bunny hops
a few hops turns around and waves to the husband and wife, takes a few more
hops - turns around and waves, takes a few more hops - turns around and waves,
takes a few more hops - turns around and waves, and eventually hops off into the woods.
The wife is astounded and asks her husband what was the liquid in the botlle
that he poured all over the bunny.
The husband responds --- "Hair Revitalizer with Permanent Wave"!!!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person
loves to spring on you and look at you in a certain self-satisfied
way to indicate that he thinks that you must think he is by far
the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead,
when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends
up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by
the end of the first day even if they have pleanty of food and water.
--Dave Barry, "Why humor is funny"
----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the most difficult thing about learning to play the Bagpipes?
A. It's so hard to tell when you hit a wrong note.
If you die and go to heaven, St. Peter gives you a halo and a harp.
If you die and go to hell, the Devil gives you a pitchfork and a
set of Bagpipes.
----------------------------------------------------
C Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN!
PLEASE!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
Prof. Somebody once taught a class from 2:30pm to 5:30pm. Every time the class
met, all the students would have a lot of food on their desks when the class
started. During the 5 minutes break, all of them would line a queue at the
nearby vending machine. He couldn't understand why these students were hungry
all the time, anyway, his calss was just after the lunch time and long before
dinner time. Prof. Somebody was not happy about this because when they ate,
they make a lot of noise. So he announced one day "No food in the class".
Next class he found the classroom extremely quiet. Guess what, everybody was
dozing because nothing was keeping them awake.
----------------------------------------------------
:]My father told me the story of a physicist who was caught going through
:]a red light at an intersection. When he came before the judge he argued
:]that he was going so fast that the red light was blue shifted into green.
:In the version I heard, a student whom the professor had failed the term
:before was in the courtroom. When the accused made this claim, the student
:protested, claiming that were this true, the professor would have been
:travelling far in excess of the posted speed limit.
:
:The charge was changed from running the red light to speeding.
ITVIH, the judge then decided to fine the physicist $1 for every
mile per hour he was going over the speed limit of 35 miles per hour.
So the fine was approximately $130 million dollars.
----------------------------------------------------
]From the Associated Press, October 24, 1988:
More than 450 years after Copernicus proved the Earth revolves around
the sun, millions of adult Americans seem to think it is the other way
around, a researcher said yesterday.
"It's a fairly dire situation," said Jon Miller, director of the
Public Opinion Laboratory at Northern Illinois University, who
conducted a nationwide survey for the National Science Foundation.
"The results show that on very basic ideas, vast numbers of Americans
are scientifically illiterate," he said.
In the telephone survey of 2,014 adults 18 or older, conducted in
July, people were asked 75 questions testing their knowledge of basic
science, Miller said. The survey had a margin of error of plus or
minus 3 percentage points.
Asked whether the Earth goes around the sun or the sun around the
Earth, 21 percent replied incorrectly. Seven percent said they did
not know.
Of the 72 percent who answered correctly, 45 percent said it takes one
year for the Earth to orbit the sun, 17 percent said one day, 2
percent said one month and 9 percent weren't sure.
The responses indicate that 55 percent of adult Americans, or 94
million people, do not know that the Earth revolves around the sun
once a year, Miller said.
In an election year, in which candidates are talking about issues
such as the Strategic Defense Initiative, acid rain, the greenhouse
effect and the space race, the survey results indicate many Americans
have little idea of what the candidates are talking about, Miller said.
----------------------------------------------------
Actually, my friend J. T. Delaney told me that one night his granddaughter
was watching "The Newlywed Game" and the question arose:
"Now ladies, in *your* neighborhood, does the sun rise in the east, or in the
west?"
The all answered that the sun rose in the west, except one lady who just *knew*
her husband would answer incorrectly, so she said east!
----------------------------------------------------
-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis --
Element: Computerscientistium
Symbol: Cs
Discoverer: Disputed. Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer,
but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by
Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see
below).
Occurrence: Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as
extraction techniques are improved by Universities.
Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous
deposits of money.
Cost: The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather
expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.
Properties:
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under
pressure. However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to
reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium
to remain useful.
2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and
generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to
proceed.
3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the
substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium,
etc. These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely
difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.
4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around
whiteboards. These devices seem to act as a buffer when
Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb
much of the energy.
Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance
is held. This will help to keep it stable.
5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg
Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks. This behaviour
has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should
take appropriate precautions just in case.
6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often
observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without
producing anything.
7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause
practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly.
It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium
(especially the isotope Auditorium)
Uses:
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway.
However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large
quantities of money (eg commercial games writers). However, it seems that
Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where
it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.
Ian. (yes, I'm a sample of Computerscientistium!)
----------------------------------------------------
NEWARK, N.J. - An abandoned 54 Devine St. bus that was noticed by po-
lice today appears to have been the object of a PLO hijacking sometime
in the late 1970s. Inside were the badly decomposed bodies (pictures
in the late edition) of 17 passengers, 4 hijackers, 3 dogs, and 2 live
bag ladies. What drew the attention of the police was a fire started
by one of the bag ladies in her attempt to protest the presidential
candidacy of Barry Goldwater. Her companion stated that she was a
firm Johnson supporter and obsessed with the idea that right wing ex-
tremists, led by Jerry Falwell - though still a mere lad - would take
over the nation and impose THEIR values on us all. As an honors grad-
uate of Radclife and a certified Liberal Democrat she felt the need to
speak out in a manner that would capture the imagination of the pub-
lic. So she set fire to herself. The fire had burned through six
layers of newspaper and crud before the Newark Fire Dept. managed to
storm the bus and put her out. Defiantly waving a single finger at
the cameras and shouting "Extremism in the defense of Liberty is no
vice" she promised to do it again as medical attendants took her away.
When our reporter pointed out that this was 1988 and the election the
poor woman was concerned about was long over her companion said, "She
doesn't give up old ideas easily. We're Liberal Democrats, you know."
Police then entered the bus and discovered the passengers, the hijack-
ers, and the dogs. One of the hijackers left a diary of his ordeal,
from which it is possible to piece together the story of what happened
on the bus. It seems that after boarding the bus at 18th Ave. (with-
out the correct change, which caused a brief altercation with the
driver, who tried to refuse them entrance despite the weapons they
carried) they immediately shot two of the passengers but couldn't get
the rest to notice their presence. They then proceeded to divert the
bus from its formal route and yelling slogans and scattering leaflets
they shot at passers-by as they went - expecting to get the attention
of the authorities and media coverage. But to their total amazement,
nothing happened except for some desultory return fire from armed
passers-by and being cut off in traffic by a couple of taxi cabs and a
school bus. Finally they noticed a Newark Police cruiser in traffic
ahead of them and shot out the rear window which caused the cruiser to
speed up and quickly turn off at the next intersection and pull into a
White Castle, where the two officers went inside and sat at the count-
er and looked the other way as the bus crawled by outside.
The first of many nights they spent under a traffic bridge down at
Port Newark trying to understand what was happening to them and fight-
ing off attacks by organized gangs attempting to jack up the bus and
steal the tires and engine. The passengers still did not acknowledge
their presence.
Dawn rose on the second day and they were full of hope and revolution-
ary zeal. The driver kept writing on his trip sheet, which they at
first thought might be an attempt to drop a note out calling for help,
which led to a discussion as to should they look the other way in or-
der to finally get some attention, but it turned out he was only mak-
ing note of his overtime.
As they passed through the streets of Newark again, slowing down from
time to time in the traffic, they noticed people would beat on the
doors and shout curses at them, giving rise to the hope they were dis-
covered and just down the street would be a police roadblock and a
showdown before the cameras. They finally realized the these people
were trying to get ON the bus and were angry they wouldn't stop and
open the doors.
Soon there arose a supply problem as the food they brought with them
was only meant to last a few hours - a day at most - and then they had
counted on the authorities to supply them and their hostages with ev-
erything. By now the passengers had noticed them since one of them (a
Mr. Rosenberg) was a tort lawyer and had passed his card around to ev-
eryone and assured them that they could sue the bus driver, the bus
company, the city, the state, the nation and perhaps get something
from God for all their suffering and inconvenience. And he'd take the
standard cut in such cases. The hijackers felt they were making prog-
ress since they now could get the passengers to acknowledge they ex-
isted. They pulled into the parking lot of a Burger King "Busses Wel-
come" and ordered a Mr. Polochck, married to Mrs. Polochck (who sat
beside him) for 32 years to go inside and order 45 hamburgers, 10
Whalers, 27 large fries, 20 cokes, and 14 hot apple pies or they would
blow off Mrs. Polochck's head. He marched into the store as they held
a gun to Mrs. Polochck's head in plain view and ordered 1 hamburger, 1
large fries and 1 coke, turned and smiled, waved good bye to his wife,
shot a bird at the hijackers and sat down at a table to eat. Totally
nonplused, the hijackers neglected to shoot a raging Mrs. Polochck and
ordered the driver to move on.
(At this point the diary starts to become incoherent.)
They finally managed to obtain a food supply by letting on passengers,
usually little old ladies, with shopping bags waiting in front of food
marts.
After several days of failing to attract anyone's attention outside
the bus the hijackers decided to give up and go back to training camp
with this new wrinkle in Urban Warfare Against the Oppressor. Howev-
er, it seems that the passengers, led by Mr. Rosenberg and aided by
the driver who had been promised he would not be sued but could join
their suit, wouldn't LET THEM OFF THE BUS. Their thinking was, the
longer the ordeal lasted the greater ammount in damages the passengers
could collect. The hijackers were low in ammunition, at a loss as to
what to do next and throughly cowed by the demands of the passengers
that they continue the hijacking. After a feeble attempt to debark
the bus, beat back largely by Mrs. Polochck who lived for revenge a-
gainst her husband, the hijackers were disarmed and herded to the back
of the bus. (They were found in a pathetic pile under the rear seat.)
It is not known for how long the bus actually managed to roam the
streets of Newark or how all on it came to their grim end. There
seems to have been some kind of falling out among the passengers.
Some had on white arm bands and some had on red. In any case the bus
came to rest on the side of Rt22 leading out of Newark heading towards
Springfield and was not investigated by the authorities until the
fire. How the dogs entered the picture is the big mystery!
We asked the Chief of Police how it could be that a bus load of people
could disappear and no one notice. He said that it was not unusual,
there were any number of buses missing from the public garages and the
records from the late '70s themselves were missing after an attempt to
investigate charges that the Public Transport Dept. was involved in
selling city busses to Long Island fishing industry officials for use
as artificial reefs off shore. It would seem that none of the pass-
engers, either the original 17 or the little old ladies picked up lat-
er, were ever missed by anyone. The driver was carried on the books
as being owed over $3 million in back wages, although it cannot be
determined when he went missing as his union brothers kept punching
his time card in and out up until the day of the fire.
Mr. Polochck was unavailable for comment, being on his honeymoon in
Bermuda with his third (teenage) wife.
The PLO has no record of a hijack team missing in Newark, NJ.
However there is a record of a lost dog in 1980 that seems to fit the
remains of one of the three dogs found on the bus. A man is on his
way to view the remains and we will bring you an interview with him
about this potentially heart warming story if a positive identifica-
tion is made.
AFTER THIS BRIEF COMMERCIAL WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE LATEST ON THE
FATHER WHO ...
----------------------------------------------------
PRESS ON
Nothing in the world can take the place of persistance.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than
unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unreward genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
----------------------------------------------------
A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH
A diamond in the rough,
is a diamond sure enough
But before it ever sparkled,
it was made of diamond stuff.
And someone had to find it,
or it never would be found,
And someone had to grind it,
or it never would be ground.
And when it's found,
and when it's ground,
And when it's burnished bright,
that diamond is everlasting, giving off it's light.
----------------------------------------------------
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN?
If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but think you cann't,
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost,
For out in the world we find
success begins with a fellow will,
it's all in a state of mind.
If you think you're outclassed, you are
You've got to think high to rise,
you've got to be sure of yourself,
before you can ever win the prise.
Life's battle don't always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins,
Is the man who thinks he can.
----------------------------------------------------
DESIRE IT
If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it,
work day and night for it,
give up your time and your peace of mind for it,
If only desire of it, make you mad enough never to tire of it,
makes you hold all things tawdy and cheap for it,
If life seems all empty and useless without it,
and all you scheme and dream is about it,
If gladly you'll sweat for it, fret for it, plan for it,
loss all your fear of God or man for it,
If you'll simply go after the thing that you want with all your
capacity, strength and sagacity, faith hope and
confidence stern pertinacity,
If neither cold poverty, famished and gaunt, nor sickness nor
pain of body or brain can force you away from the thing
you want. If dogged and grim you beseige and beset it.
You'll get it!!!
----------------------------------------------------
When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
and the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself,
and see what THAT man has to say,
For it isn't your father or mother or wife,
whose judgement upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
and call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
if you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
for he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test,
if the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
and get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be headaches and tears
if you've cheated the man in the glass.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
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