Date: 5 Sep 88 14:16:47 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 3.C
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| MORE PEOPLE DIED AT CHAPPAQUIDIK |
| THAN AT 3-MILE ISLAND |
+-----------------------------------+
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A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than
he hates his wife.
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I drove to Las Vegas, parked in front of a casino, put a quarter in the
parking meter, and lost my car.
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A friend of mine is taking a sign language course. We were sitting around
with some other friends the other night and someone asked her "Why are you
taking sign language?" My dead-pan answer: "It's a prerequisite for Italian"
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One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked
"What is the Gross National Product?". The little boy pondered for a minute
and replied "Spinach!?".
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Remember the good old days where you decided which candidate to vote for
by asking who would do the most good? Now you ask who will do the least
harm.
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| Horsemilk, SD |
| Population: 4238 |
| Elevation: 3015 |
| Founded: 1928 |
| Total: 9181 |
+-----------------------------+
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As Gorbachev came into office, he, as all other Supreme Soviets wanted to
have a commemorative stamp with his mug on it made. So, he put in an order for
one to the People's Red Stamp factory of Moscow. The foreman there told him
it will be about 2 weeks before the first batch of stamps is ready to be dis-
tributed.
A month later, there is still no stamps with Gorbachev's likeness. So,
he calles the foreman of the factory. The foreman says "I'm sorry comrade
Gorbachev, but the stamps are not ready yet. We are having some problems with
the adhesive."
So, outraged, Comrade Gorbachev visits the stamp factory. The foreman shows
him the stamps they have made. So, Gorbachev grabs one, spits on it, slams it
down on an anvelope, and it sticks perfectly! The foreman, amazed, mumbles:
"Oh, you spit on THAT side of the stamp..."
Now that comrade Gorbachev is in office, everyone is happy in the USSR.
Why are they so happy? Just ask any man of the street and they will tell you
"Today I still have my job, and I am happy. My wife stood in line for 6
hours and got some oranges and I am very happy. Just 10 minutes ago KGB came
to my door and asked if I was comarade Tratinsky, and boy, am I happy I am not
comrade Tratinsky!".
But one thing that makes life in the USSR bear-able is the fact that
under capitalism man is opressing fellow man, but under communism it is the
other way around.
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A Russian archeaologist was having hard time finding out the exact age of a dummy
he found in an ancient Egyptian tomb. One day his friend came to visit who
happened to be a top KGB agent, and the archeaologist told him about the problem.
The agent said: Well, let me try, maybe I can help.
The archeaologist was so desperate that he gladly agreed, and the agent brought the
dummy back to the headquarter with him.
Two days later the agent came back and said: the dummy is 4982 years old.
The archeaologist was amazed and asked with disbelief: How did you find out?
The agent replied: It was easy, he confessed.
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The scene is a first year Soviet classroom and the students are just getting
settled into their chairs.
"O.K., students, take your seats. Class is now in session and we will begin
our studies in mathematics."
"Tell me, Ivan. 'What does two plus two equal?'"
"Three!," declares Ivan.
All of a sudden the teacher whips out his Soviet revolver (the one he uses
to play Russian Roulette with, but now it's fully loaded), takes aim and
"BLAM!" Ivan just made Soviet history.
The teacher scans the room and his eyes settle upon another young student.
"Mikhail, maybe you know." "What does two plus two equal?"
"Five!," shouts Mikhail.
"BLAM!" Only this time, it's right between the eyes.
"Now class, I know at least one of you out there has the answer, and I will
find out who does!"
"Viktor, do you know what two plus two equals?"
"Why, it's Four!," says Viktor with a little hesistation.
"BLAM!" Once again the sound of the teacher's gun reverberates through out
the classroom as he blows little Viktor away.
One of the students stands up, shocked by what he's just seen and says with
disbelief, "Hey teach, why did you kill him? I think he had the right answer!"
The teachers eyes bead down on the inquisitive little upstart and he replies:
"BECAUSE HE KNEW TOO MUCH!"
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A Mafia boss had to replace his accountant. When the first applicant entered
his office, he was asked: "How much is 1 + 1?" When the applicant replied:
"2," the boss told him he wasn't right for the job.
The second applicant came in and was asked the same question. The applicant
closed and locked the door, went to the window and closed the blinds, then
turned to the boss and asked: "How much do you want it to be?"
HE GOT THE JOB!!
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Interviewer: Congratulations on winning the lottery.
Farmer: Thank you.
Interviewer: Do you have any special plans for spending the money?
Farmer: Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming 'til it's gone.
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Subject: Re: Yet Another Stupid Clerk
I think one of the most incredible U.S. geography gaffs is the following:
An former governor of New Mexico got sent an IRS form having to do with the
witholding of interest from foreign nationals if they haven't resided in the
US in the past year. He ignored it until they actually witheld money, at
which point he started complaining. I believe he had to get to the under
secretary of the Treasury before they caught on to the fact that New Mexico
was not part of Mexico. Something about Sen. Pete Domenici (R, N.M. ) being
the chairman of an IRS oversight committee tipped them off, I think.
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Did you hear of the war between Newfoundland and New Brunswick.....
The newfies were throwing dynamite over to New Brunswick and the
New Brunswickians were lighting it and throwing back.
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Okay, this happened to me at the drugstore. I have an item worth under
$2.00. The clerk rings it up, and I hand her a twenty. She goes to make
change, and sees that she has no fives. So she says:
"Do you have any fives?"
Now, if I'd had a five, I wouldn't have brandished the twenty, but rather
than do the polite thing, I looked in my wallet and said:
"GO FISH!"
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How about the teenager who broke into a neighbor's house,
stole a book of checks, wrote himself a check for $100, and then
cashed it.
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One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:
[person 1]: Gee, I don't get it..
[person 2]: What's wrong?
[p1]: My card wont work.
[p2]: Did anything happen to it?
[p1]: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while
so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it...
Now it isn't working at all!
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Once I heard a joke that went like this:
Q: How do you tell an [ethnic] ladder?
A: It has "stop" written on the top rung.
Well, it wasn't a week after I heard the joke that a maintenance man came
through the lab with a shiny new OSHA approved ladder. See if you can
guess what was written on the top step?
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Grace Hopper tells this story on herself. It seems back in the old days
(WWII and a little later) before assembly language had been invented,
programmers actually coded the "1's" and "0's". Naturally it wasn't too
long before they figured out the virtues of octal arithmetic. Admiral
Hopper was having a devil of a time balancing her checkbook. Some months
she bounced checks as if they'd come straight out of Goodyear, and other
months she'd have a much larger balance than she expected. Her brother
was a banker. One day she asked him to help straighten out the mess in
her bank account. He sat down, went to work with his pencil and paper (no
hand held calculators then). After a while he said, "Grace, sometimes you
do your arithmetic in octal and other times you do it in decimal."
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Subject: Hardware Question of the Day
A dealer calls in, having problems with the interrupt jumpers on a bus mouse
card. After I informed this person that jumper information is on page 9 of the
Mouse User's Guide, and gave the proper jumper setting, the dealer said: "Can
you hold on while I give it a try?"
The telephone clicked against the desk on the other end as the reciever was
set down. The following conversation ensued:
(in whispers)
"He's right. It is on page 9."
"I told you to look in the book."
"I know, I know. He's still on the line. You talk to him."
"I didn't call him. I didn't screw up. You talk to him."
"Why don't you just hang it up. Maybe he won't notice."
"Okay."
Cluck. Click. Buzz (dial tone).
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As I am sure you all know, you can only deduct 40% of consumer interest with
the IRS these days. I happen to subscribe to Money Magazine which contains
lots of tips. Take auto insurance for example. I carried $250. deductible
and checking with my insurance agent $500. deductible would save me about
$300. in annual premiums. So I told my agent to go ahead and change it to
$500. deductible. Fine, the ins co sent me a refund for the annual premium
(prorated) for the deductible.
Then I got a nasty letter from the Credit Union saying that they had to have
$250 deductible. So I marched off to the Credit Union and after three clerks
and extensive lines, I was told it was "their policy". :-) So I said, well,
I can afford $500 just as easy as $250, besides I am saving $300 a year on
the premium. "We don't care, $250 deductible is our policy". Then I said,
well, I have more money in credit union shares than I owe on the damn car.
"So what? $250. is our policy."
I said, screw it, give me the pink slip (ownership certificate) and use my
share account to pay the thing off. "Sorry, the computer is down and we
cannot query for the balance due." Here is my last credit union statement
showing the balance owed. "Sorry, we have to get the balance out of the
computer". But..........since payment on this loan is through payroll
deduction, all you have to do is calculate from the end of the prior month
as only two weeks have passed since the last statement date. "Sorry, we
still have to get the balance out of the computer."
Screw it.
So I went to another window and inquired as to the balance in my share
account. Asked and got a check for the total balance minus $5. Which you
have to leave in to retain you membership in the credit union. I then
deposited this check in my bank account and filled out a payroll deduction
form cancelling my payroll deduction to the credit union.
When this hit the company IBM Sierra and it talked to the credit union
computer - ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!
The credit union manager called me on the phone and told me if I did not
reinstate the payroll deduction they would repossess the car! (My pretty
BMW boo hoo :-) )
So I went to the credit union once again with checkbook in hand and stormed
into the Manager's office and demanded the damn pink slip. I told him that
I was slightly annoyed and that at a recent seminar on communication that
we were taught to remember that "a clerk is a jerk." He took offense to
that and immediately calculated what the balance of the loan was BY HAND
with a 10-key adding machine without a digital display, an old fashioned
paper tape! Egads! Needless to say, I got my pink slip and the devil made
me do it, I bought a green eyeshade for the Credit Union Manager to go with
his old fashioned adding machine.
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What you should have done is to withdraw you account balance in CASH. Then
go back to the clerk and offer to pay off your loan in cash. When they
refuse the cash, ask the clerk to put the refusal in writing. The legal
precedent is that if they refuse a full payoff in cash, they have cancelled
their remaining debt.
I know someone who got out of a home mortgage this way, one day when a bank
computer was down.
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The following is an article from the magazine "Utne Reader":
Who would believe that the battle between the gold and the silver standard
in turn-of-century U.S. politics would make a good plot for a children's fantasy book?
And who would believe that a story as delightful as "The Wizard of Oz" could
also have meaning for adults?
"In These Times" (Feb. 19, 1987) exposes Oz as a parable of populism, the
1890s Midwestern political movement led by William Jennings Bryan. The populists
challenged Eastern banks and railroads, which they charged with oppressing
farmers and industrial workers. Bryan felt that farmers were being crucified
on a cross of gold; a switch to silver-backed curency would make money plentiful for all.
Oz author L. Frank Baum was a populist-and also a bit of a fantasizer.
As editor of a South Dakota newspaper, he advised poor farmers to feed wood
shaving to starving livestock, after fitting the veasts wth special green
glasses so they would think they were eating grass.
After Bryan's 1896 bid for the presidency failed, Baum was moved to write
the first of his long-running Oz series.
The allegory begins with the title: Oz is short for ounce, the measure
for gold. Dorothy, hailing from the populist stronghold of Kansas, represents
the common person. The Tin Woodsman is the industrial worker who is rusted
solid, referring to the factories shut down in the 1893 depression. The
Scarecrow is the farmer who lacks the brains to realize his own political
interests. And the Cowardly Lion is Bryan himself, with a loud orator's
roar but little else.
After vanquishing the Wicked Witch of the East (the Eastern banker) Dorothy
frees the Munchkins (the little people). With the witch's silver slippers
(the silver standard), Dorothy starts down the Yellow Brick Road (the gold
standard) to the Emerald City (Washington). There the group meets the Wizard
(the president), who, like all good politicians, appears as whatever people
wish to see. When the Wizard is defrocked, the Scarecrow denounces him as
a humbug, which is the core of Baum's message, writes Michael A. Genovese
in the Minneapolis Star Tribune (March 22, 1988)
Dorothy saves the day by dousing the Wicked Witch of the West with water,
evoking the drought that was plaguing Midwestern farms at the time. The
Wizard flies away in a hot-air balloon, the Scarecrow is left in charge of
Oz, the Tin Woodsman rules the East, and the Cowardly Lion returns to the
forest-Bryan had lost the election.
In the 1939 movie starring Judy Garland, the populist parable lost out
to Hollywood escapism, and Dorothy's silver slippers were inexplicably changed
to ruby. However, Baum might have applauded the use of black and white film
depicting the grim reality of Kansas farm fortunes and color storck for the
fantasy world of Oz. And the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" suited well
the populist dream.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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