Date: 18 Apr 88 18:04:07 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 3.1
This is a true story
Last night several people were in a computer lab playing games, somebody
who was visiting Crown College during the college's 20th birthday came
in and watched Jamais (sp?) play multi-trek. Upon seeing
the words "energy", "warp", "antimatter", and so on, he asked what sort of
physics experiment Jamais was doing by computer control.
Famous last words: "Oh no, I think I put in to much antimatter."
----------------------------------------------------
A little girl in a school in USSR was asked to use "communist" in
a sentence. She said "My cat just had a litter of kittens and they are
all communists".
A month later the same little girl was asked to use the word
"capitalist" in a sentence. She said: "My cat had a litter of kittens and
now they are capitalists".
The teacher was shocked and ask what had happened to the kittens.
The little girl responded: "Well the have opened their eyes now!"
----------------------------------------------------
(from the Spring 88 Benchmark ("A Quarterly Update from Xerox Corporation"))
Paper Documents Created Daily by U.S. Companies
2.7 billion sheets of file folder contents
600 million pages of computer printouts
234 million photocopies
76 million letters
21 million general paper documents
It also quotes Paul Strassmann, "a former Xerox executive", as predicting
that by 1992 the U.S. will produce 24,600 pages of paper per "information
worker" per year.
----------------------------------------------------
If King Tut had studied civil engineering, would he have been
a Pharoh Faucet Major?
----------------------------------------------------
Two atheists were shipwrecked on a deserted Island. The situation
was getting grim with the hot tropical sun beating down on them
and no fresh water. The First Atheist says "Mabye we ought to
Pray.... "
First Atheist (loudly): "I"
Second Atheist : "I"
First Atheist: "Seventeen"
Second Atheist: "Seventeen"
The atheist had overheard a bingo game .........
----------------------------------------------------
DON'T STEAL ....................
THE GOVERNMENT HATES COMPETITION !
----------------------------------------------------
A group of local homeless folks have announced their intention
to join next year's traditional parade of mimes and other performers
on New Year's Day in Philadelphia.
They're billing it as "The mummers and the paupers."
----------------------------------------------------
"Everyone's a little weird now, it's normal."
----------------------------------------------------
Has anyone noticed that the new movie,
APPOINTMENT WITH DEATH,
is being released *today*,
APRIL 15th?
----------------------------------------------------
... stolen from Gary Larson's "The Far Side" ...
Pilot to Copilot: " ... Say ... What's a mountain goat doing
way up here in a cloud bank? "
----------------------------------------------------
Forgot one of my favorite laws. In Sacramento it's illeagal to kick the heads
of snakes that stick their heads up through the sidewalk.
----------------------------------------------------
Just last month in my town ...
A local gas station attendant overhead a stolen car police report
on his scanner when working the late shift. He jotted down the car's
plate number.
Later that night he called the police and reported that he was robbed
at gunpoint by a thug, "but I got the plate number..."
It turned out that the guy was "robbed" after the stolen car was
recovered and the thief was already in jail.
----------------------------------------------------
The following article is taken from the New Hampshire Business Review
under the category of lawyers. This was one of Richard Lederer's
columns on Looking at Language. Original date unknown.
---------------------------------
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
by Richard Lederer
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here
are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers
of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember
his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
----------------------------------------------------
A long time ago, I was small (I am now 6'2").
A long time ago, my father, when he was alive, used to play tricks on
those of us who were more unsuspecting than he. That was me, my
brother Jim, and my brother Doug.
The day came when Dad was told by Mom to make lunch for Jim and Doug.
This is their story. It is true.
Day 1: Dad makes sandwiches. Dad cuts them in half by slicing a
circle out of the middle of the sandwich such that half the area is
inside the sandwich and half is outside. Doug and James laugh.
Day 2: Dad makes sandwiches. Dad goes into the cellar and wraps
stips of tough metal around the sandwiches and solders them shut.
Doug and James have to pick their sandwiches piece by piece through
the bars. Doug and James do not laugh as hard.
Day 3: Dad makes sandwiches. Into James' lunch he puts a pack of
Wrigley's gum. Dad has taken out one stick and replaced it with a
cardboard replica, on which he has gone so far as to dust powder and
place little Wrigley's gum tire tracks. Late in the afternoon Dad
and Doug and James are playing basketball. James offers Dad his last
stick of gum, which Dad takes and places in his mouth. Needless to say,
Murphy's Law dictated that the last piece would be the famous
replica. Doug and James laugh hard.
Day 4: Mom makes sandwiches. End of story.
When Doug and James were somewhat younger, They came up with a plan
to stay up later than usual. They set every clock in the house back
an hour. They even borrowed Dad's watch on some pretense and
changed that. They were so afraid they would be discovered that
they played very quietly until bedtime. My father came to them at
bedtime and said, "You boys have been so good tonight that I'm going
to let you stay up an extra hour." Anyone who has ever been small
can appreciate the horror my brothers felt...
I heartily urge any father who feels up to it to go out there and
outwit your children. It is good for them.
----------------------------------------------------
Isn't it rich
Isn't it rare
One with their feet on the ground
One in midair
Send in the clowns
There ought to be clowns
Isn't it rich
Isn't it queer
Losing my timing this late
In my career
Send in the clowns
There ought to be clowns
Just when I stopped opening doors
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours
Making my entrance again with my usual flair
Sure of my lines, no one is there
Don't you love farce,
My fault I fear
Who said that you'd want what I want
Sorry my dear
But where are the clowns
There ought to be clowns
Well, maybe next year.
----------------------------------------------------
According to The Bathroom Trivia Book, by Jack Kreismer:
It's against the law in Portland, Oregon for a wedding ceremony to be performed
at a skating rink.
It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM in Memphis, Tennessee.
No one is permitted to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket in Lexington, Kentucky.
It's against the law to sing off key in North Carolina.
In Wilbur, Washington it's illegal to ride an ugly horse.
It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland, Maine.
In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
A Texas law says that when two trains meet at a railroad crossing, both must
come to a stop. Then neither train may continue until the other one is out of sight.
----------------------------------------------------
Soldier standing in front of a large sign . In the background is a huge
gorge stretching from east to west. Behind the sign is a bridge that goes
to the other side. The sign reads -
PAY HERE AFTER CROSSING
----------------------------------------------------
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and
decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them
had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.
The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them
off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the
city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived,
they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they
have any questions.
Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped
into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She
saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone:
"Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we
keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young
'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and
that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow
horns.
But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
----------------------------------------------------
Los Angeles Times, April 9:
Robert T. Baker, adjunct curator of paleontology at the University of Colorado
in Boulder, found the skull of a previously unknown pygmy tyrannosaur while
rummaging about in the museum's basement. The new genus has been named Nanotyrannus,
or "pygmy tyrant."
"The best place to look for new kinds of dinosaurs is . . . in basements,"
Baker said. "There are never enough scientists to study specimens as soon
as they come out of the crate. This came out of the crate in 1942. But
no one did a detailed study."
Los Angeles Times, April 12:
The U.S. Patent Office has granted a patent for a genetically altered mouse.
This is the first time a patent has been issued for a genetic change in
a higher life form. The mouse was not available for comment.
----------------------------------------------------
NEW "SMOKE" THEORY OF ELECTRONICS
=================================
While going over old course files in electronic devices, I came across
a sheet of paper, and as I read it, the realization of a basic truth
came over me. So simple! So obvious, yet I had failed to see it.
Lab Kitburnt, the legendary circuits TA, the creator of the field now
known as fried electronics, had discovered how ICs work. He says that
smoke is the thing that makes an IC work because every time you let
the smoke out of it, it stops working. He claims to have verified
this with thorough testing.
I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your 6.002 lab kit.
Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the
truth dawned. It's the wires that carry the smoke from the smoke
supply to the lab kit. So if the wires were to spring a leak, nothing
would work properly because there wouldn't be enough smoke reaching
the lab kit. If there is a large smoke leak, the smoke supply would go
crazy trying to generate all that smoke and would itself spring a
leak. But how could this be? Yes...of course! Smoke comes from a
fire, and more smoke means a larger fire. Kindling the fire too much
would melt the seals, allowing some smoke, and maybe even flames, to
escape. If the fire gets too hot (you bet you can feel it!), the smoke
supply's fuel cuts off, extinguishing the fire and stopping the smoke.
High wattage transistors require more smoke to operate properly, and
that's why the wires going to them are larger. All that smoke also
tends to make them hotter, so they require a heatsink. And yes, when
a power electronic circuit springs a leak, it lets out much more smoke
than a logic circuit.
But wait.. How does this fit in with all the device physics we have
been learning all along? What about all the electrons and such? Could
semiconductor theory be all wrong? Hmmm... I might be at the edge of a
breakthrough... Wow!!! To be able to prove Shockley wrong! On the
other hand, maybe I'm in trouble here. There may be a big loophole...
Wait... I'm getting it... Yes! Of course! How obvious! Electrons are
black.
----------------------------------------------------
Did you hear how our country Canada was named?
... well ... there are two stories as to how this came about.
The first story holds that the first to arrive, upon meeting the
natives would ask "what is the name of this place?" to which the
natives would respond "canada? ... canada?", which means "what's
that you say?"
In the other story the settlers decide to put all the letters of
the alphabet into a hat and draw them out one by one until a new
name had been found ... This is how it is said to have went:
"C" eh? .... "N" eh? ... "D" eh? ...
--
"Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for!"
--
In a similar vein, when Captain Cook was visiting Australia, he
asked his guide what those animals that hopped around were called.
The guide answered, "Kangaroo", which is Maori for "I don't understand you".
----------------------------------------------------
And now, things you'll never see in the Enquirer:
1) Baby Born Normal
2) Man and Wife Happily Married
3) House Not Haunted
4) Scientists Understand/Not Baffled
5) Elvis is Dead*
6) UfO's Gone
7) Family Pet Helpless in Fire/Auto Accident
8) New Miracle Diet to Gain Weight
9) New Horoscope Reveals Nothing
10) Celebrity Still Single/Married
Ah, what would the tabloids do without Elvis?
----------------------------------------------------
[ Reprinted shamelessly without permission from ¬English Well Speeched Here¬
by Nino Lo Bello ]
A Sign posted in Germany's Black Forest reads:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THAT PURPOSE.
Hmm. What other sexes are there? And, gee, who ¬DOESN'T¬ marry for the purpose
of living together in a tent! ;-)
----------------------------------------------------
A blind bunny and a blind snake met in the woods. After realizing that they
were both blind, they both admitted that, because of their disability, they
each didn't know what kind of animal they were, so they suggested that they
help each other find out.
The snake crawled around the bunny and said 'Oh, I feel with my nose that
you have long floppy ears and hmmm, strong thumper rear feet, and soft fur
and a twitchy nose.....I think you are a bunny!'
'The bunny said Oh! I think I am, thank you! Now let me examine you....hmmm
you have cold clammy, scaley skin and you slink around close to the ground
and you're icky to touch and you have a forked tongue....you must be a lawyer!'
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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