Date: 10 Mar 88 13:26:42 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life 2.T
The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails.
He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got.
Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners.
He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.
When the father found he had quintuplets, he could hardly believe his own census.
He thought he should have been a song writer, with his squeaky shoe,
he had music in his sole.
The pants were very sad, they were depressed.
Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes.
If a women changed her sex, what would her religion bed? She would be a he-then.
How do you get to heaven? Turn to the right, and keep straight ahead.
The soda jerk thought he was a doctor, he was clearly a fizzician.
He was going to start a bakery if he could raise the dough.
The clock maker works over time every day and never gets extra pay.
The manicurist makes money hand over fist.
The doughnut retailer is really in the holesale business.
A barber is a clip-joint operator.
Most everyone like pleasant-faced people, but the auctioneer is always
pleased to see a man who is for bidding.
He was kicked out of the army, he took a furlong, went too fur, and
stayed too long.
In filling out a job application, he put as his school, Vietnam, Clash of 1973.
They weighed anchor, and it hadn't gained an ounce.
The judge increased his fine by $10. He thought that was extra fine.
Because of one paragraph the bank took off of his property, it was clause and effects.
The robber wanted to go upstairs, he wanted to be tried in a higher court.
When asked if he had missed school latly, the boy said `Not a bit.`
The form ruler Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so
clearly their children were called Tsardines.
Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates.
Wethir, the worst spell of weather we've ad around here in years.
New with a K in front is a Canoe.
He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.
He had a lot of trouble in geometry, he thought the thing opposite the
right angle in a right-angled triangle was a hippopotamus.
A sign for a superintendent of schools was "Bored of Education"
His father made suitcases in Iraq, he was a bag-dad.
He thought a fjord was a Norwegian automobile.
He built a bed ten feet by twenty feet, it was a lot of bunk.
He knew a lot about railroads, but it had taken a lot of training.
Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles.
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of
them was assaulted?
----------------------------------------------------
One Saturday, a farmer was preparing to head off to the Farmer's Market to
sell off his produce. On his truck, one of his wheels was a bit loose, but he
figured it would get him to the market, at least.
He loaded up the truck, and drove on his way. He reached a particularly nasty
curve in the highway. Just as he starts to make the turn, the wheel fell off,
and the truck veered off the road into a ditch. His crop spilled all over the
side of the road.
Ten minutes later, a state trooper arrives at the scene. As he exits his
cruiser, ready to help clean up the mess, he sees the farmer sitting at the
side of the road, his head in his hands, and singing to himself:
"You picked a fine time to leave me Loose Wheel."
(to the tune of Kenny Rogers)
----------------------------------------------------
] This reminds me of the guy who stole the entire cobblestone street in
] Philadelphia in the middle of the day.
Sounds like a case of highway robbery to me!
----------------------------------------------------
Eyedentify: To recognize by sight.
Luniversity: A college for crazy people
Onederful: What he or she is when he or she is the one and only
Sewercide: Doing away with oneself by jumping into a manhole.
Tremendous: A giant redwood tree
----------------------------------------------------
A major, with wonderful force,
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
All the flowers looked round,
But no horse could be found;
So he just rhododendron, of course.
The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
He caught a big mouse
Which he loosed in the house.
(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
By the sewer I lived,
By the sewer I died;
They said it was murder,
But it was sewercide.
----------------------------------------------------
"Say, Pooh, why aren't YOU busy?" I said.
"Because it's a nice day," said Pooh.
"Yes, but---"
"Why ruin it?" he said.
----------------------------------------------------
Dole (to Bush): Stop lying about my record
Bush (to Dole): Stop telling the truth about my record!
Al Gore's political slogan:
Vote for Gore he knows no whore!
Did you hear about a movie starring Swaggart, Baker and Hart? It's called
"Children of a looser God"!
----------------------------------------------------
Excerpt from Sex Differences in Cognitive Abilities (1986) by Diane F. Halpern:
Piaget and Inhelder [(1956) The Child's Conception of Space] believed that
the knowledge that water level remains horizontal would be attained at an
average of 12 years. It seems that girls know this principle at a later age than boys.
In fact, it has been estimated that 50% of college women don't know the principle
that water level remains horizontal. This is a surprising result that has
been replicated several times. It is difficult to understand why this should
be such a formidable task for college women.
(See Harris, 1978, [Sex Differences in Spatial Ability, anthologized in Kinsbourne,
M. (ed.), Asymmetrical Functions of the Brain] for a review of research in
this area.) . . . .
The principle that water remains horizontal when a glass is tipped seems
particularly difficult for girls to comprehend, and the large sex differences
found on the [Piaget & Inhelder] Water Level Test cannot be explained by
psychosocial factors. Thomas, Jamison, and Hammel (1973) [Science, 181,
173 - 174] reported very little success in teaching this principle to girls. . . . .
In [the Water Level Test] subjects are required to draw in the water level
in a picture of a tipped glass. The usual finding is that far fewer females
draw a horizonatal line to represent the water level than males.
Females tend to draw their line parallel to the direction in which the glass
is tipped. This is a robust result that has been replicated many times with
samples ranging from elementary school-age children to college students.
This task really requires two component skills: (1) Subjects must know that
water will always remain horizontal even when its container is tipped; and
(2) Subjects must be able to draw an approximately horizontal line.
It is difficult to understand how either of these two skills could depend
on sex related environment differences. It does not seem likely that males
have more or better experience with a tipped glass of water. In fact, one
could argue that females, the primary cooks and dishwashers in many homes,
might have more related experience with tipped glasses of water and other
liquids than males.
Nor does it seem likely that females are less able to express this knowledge
with an approximately horizontal line. The ability to draw an approximately
horizontal line is a "low level skill." Even if boys play with spatial toys
like tinker toys and Lincoln logs more often than girls and are encouraged
to pursue spatial professions like architecture and engineering, it does
not seem intuitively obvious that these experiences are needed in order to
be able to approximate a horizontal line.
There is, of course, no simple or direct biological explanation for these
results either. I do not think that there is a genetic code for performance
on the Water Level Test.
----------------------------------------------------
] How did Bill Waterson pick the names "Calvin" & "Hobbes"?
]
] [Imaginary scene of Watterson and college]
]
] Didn't Hobbes (the philosopher) discuss the brutish nature of man?
] Sounds like man could be described as a tiger.
] Doesn't Calvin (the character) often ask questions about predestination?
] Sounds like a certain religion I've heard of.
Congratulations, you win the $64,000 prize!
There was an interview with Bill Watterson in the L.A. Times a few months
back, which I am using as my basis here. In it, watterson explains that he
got the name "Calvin" and "Hobbes" because of their philosophical and
religious views (which apparently contradict and conflict with each other).
Not being a student of this, I can't go into details, but I do remember
Watterson saying "it's a subtle inside joke".
While we're on the subject of C&H (whoopee!), you might be interested in
how the strip developed:
Idea #1: "Spaceman Spiff", the misadventures and yuks of a cosmic superhero.
Turned down by syndicates.
Idea #2: (Dunno the name), the misadventures and yuks of a suburban family.
The father, the mother, the kid, and his stuffed tiger. Turned down by
syndicates, but Watterson was suggested "try focusing on the kid".
Idea #3: "Calvin & Hobbes". Terrific art, whack-headed stories, reality
shifts at the drop of a hat, and some of the most original jokes around.
Instant success, and a very good candidate as the successor to "Peanuts"
(YEAH!)
----------------------------------------------------
My fiance's boss had his car stolen a couple of weeks ago. They found
the thief several days later, and about an hour away, driving the car
around. The car had no damage, nothing was taken out of it (there was
a bunch of tools, etc. in the back), it was still the same color, and
still had the same license plates!
If the guy was smart enough to steal the car without damaging it at
all, you'd think he'd at least think of changing the plates...
----------------------------------------------------
Some years ago (not too many) when I was a freshman in college I made the
mistake of taking an elementary Chemistry class because I thought it would
be easy (it was, relatively speaking.) Unfortunately, it was also unbearably
boring. Fortunately it was made bearable by a sophmore that I was sitting
next to who was equally board and told me how she dealt with it. She made
list of things to do when bored. So I immediately started compiling my own
list. In the following years friends of mine have read the list and told me
that some of them are really funny. (They also told me that some of them
are really stupid) But since I can't tell the difference I'll post them
all.
Disclaimers: Spelling Errors are intentional to keep the reader alert.
Honeywell has never told me their official opinions so I don't
know if these reflect them or not.
None of these offend me but if your easily offended maybe you
should just hit 'N' now to be safe.
I believe that there was a book published with a similar
title, if I'm infringing on any copywrite laws, tough.
Here goes part one (I'm not done typing part two.)
Things to do when Bored
-Wax the ceiling.
-Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car.
-Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does land on all four
feet.
-Repeat above until failure.
-Rearrange political campaign signs.
-Sharpen your teeth.
-Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
-Braid your dogs hair.
-Clean and polish your belly button.
-Water your dog...see if he grows.
-Wash a tree.
-Genuflect to Larwence Welk.
-Knight yourself and some close friends.
-Found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending.
-Flirt with an evergreen.
-Scare Steven King.
-Give your cat a mohawk.
-Purr.
-Mow your carpet.
-Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
-Whine
-Play Pat Boone records backwards.
-Re-elect Richard Nixon.
-Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your grandmother.
-Listen to a painting.
-Play with matches.
-Buff your cat.
-Raise professional racing ferrets.
-Paint your home...day-glo orange.
-Dial-a-Prayer and argue.
-Read Homer in the original Greek.
-Learn Greek.
-Change your mind.
-Change it back.
-Watch the sun...see if it moves.
-Mail Jerry Falwell a Hustler magazine.
-Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
-Paint your windows.
-Flash your goldfish.
-Paint.
-Smile.
-Paint a smile.
-Shoot at a fire hydrant.
-Apologize to it.
-See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
-Rotate your garden...daily.
-Plant a shoe.
-Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you and
tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st.
-Sweat.
-Give a Rorschach (Ink-blot) Test to your gerbil.
-Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.
-Mix and match the parts.
-Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
-Take your sofa for a walk.
-Write a letter to Plato.
-Mail it.
-Start.
-Stop.
-Dial 911...breath heavily.
-Go to a funeral...tell jokes.
-Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
-Carry a tune.
-Drop it to see if it breaks.
-Starch your shoes.
-Contemplate a cockroach.
-Get a dog to chase your car.
-Let him catch it.
-Form a political party.
-Throw a political party.
-Climb a sidewalk.
-Ride a loaf of bread.
-Annoy yourself.
-Get angry with yourself.
-Stop speaking to yourself.
-Kiss and make-up.
-Stand on your head.
-Stand on someone else's head.
-Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire.
-Read a Harlequine Romance Novel...but only if you're REALLY bored.
-Build a pyramid.
-Paint your teeth.
-Wear a salad.
-Speak with a forked tongue.
-MAKE a drive in window at your local bank.
-Walk on water...but DON'T get caught.
-Shave a shrub.
-Have a proton fight.
-Watch a car rust.
-Quiver.
-Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
-Learn to type...with your toes.
-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
-Mail it to a friend.
-Be in the wrong place at the right time.
-Be someone special.
-Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.
-Request covert assistance from the CIA.
-Factor your social security number.
-Take the fifth.
-Take the sixth.
-Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.
-Join the Foreign Legion.
-Learn to write Sanskrit.
-Learn to read Sanskrit.
-Exist...existentially of course.
-Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.
-Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
-Print counterfeit Confederate money.
-Kick a cabbage.
-Take a picture.
-Put it back.
-Go back to square one.
-Sand a mushroom.
-Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.
-Play solitare...for cash.
-Abuse your patio furniture.
-Run for Pope.
-If you don't win, run for God.
-If you still don't win, run for Mayor of Toledo.
-Write a book about a previous life.
-Count to a million...fast.
-Have your cat bronzed.
-Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
-Revert.
-Sleep on a bed of nails.
-Don't toss and turn.
-Think shallow thoughts.
-Run around in squares.
-Boil ice cream.
-Sterilize your stereo, with Jack Daniels.
-Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.
-Converse...with a flatworm.
-Speak in acronyms.
-Drive the speed limit...in your garage.
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.
-Be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan.
-Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.
-Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
-Calmly have a nervous breakdown.
-Give your goldfish a perm.
-Fly a brick.
-Play tag...on the nearest interstate.
-Excorsize a ghost.
-Exersize a ghost.
-Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people.
-Paint stripes on a lake.
-Ski Kansas.
-Wear a bowler...hat, stupid.
-Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.
-Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.
-Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.
-Do a good job.
-Crawl.
-Be a side affect.
-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.
-Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck.
-Duck.
-Redecorate your garage.
-Develope a complex.
-Join the Army...be someone simple.
-Try harder.
-Hit the deck.
-Cut the deck.
-Make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed.
-Put legwarmers on all your furniture.
-Be number six.
-Sit.
-Stay.
-Roll over.
-Play dead.
-Scheme.
-Sprinkle your family room.
-Cause a power failure.
-Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.
-Give a lecture tour on the historical signifigance of cream cheese.
-Wrigle.
-Be cherubic.
-Debate politics with a fern.
-If you lose stop watering it.
-Donate your brother's body to science.
-Join Hell's Angels by mail.
-Wonder.
-Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave.
-Be a square root.
-Park your car...with a friend.
-Park your car...with a group of friends.
-Ask stupid questions.
-Spew.
-Surf Ohio.
-Go bowling...for small game.
-Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed.
-Hang it on the wall in your office.
-Staple.
-Solve the population problem.
i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x.
-Contribute to the population problem.
-Interview a cloud.
-Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.
-Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.
-Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.
-Crumble.
-Crumple.
-Translate Shakespear into English.
-Skydive...to church.
-Send the president an alarm clock...wind it up first.
-Do aerobics...in your head.
-Play card with your swimming pool.
-Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.
-Send your goldfish to obedience school.
-Pinstripe your driveway.
-Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."
-Harness chipmunk power
-Free the opressed toaster-ovens of America.
-Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America.
-Mug a stop sign.
-Change your name...daily.
-Go for a walk...in the attic.
-Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
-Find a witch.
-Burn her.
-Regress.
-Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat.
-Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.
-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
-Boldly go where no man has gone before.
-Jump back.
-Play to lose.
-Scalp a VW.
-Be a threat to the American way of life.
-Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.
-Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.
-Have your car painted plaid.
-Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization.)
-Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation.
-Race turnips.
-Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.
-Sharpen your sleeping skills.
-Put out a fire.
-If you can't find one make one.
-Ionize your new chemistry professor (remember you took the heat capacity
of the first one)
-Make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of grape jello.
-Tree a goldfish.
-Get a college education.
-Bury your fathers Nissan.
-Tell your him the dog did it.
-Catch a falling star.
-Throw it back.
-Place your cat in hyper-space.
-Again tell your dad the dog did it.
-Corner the market on Agnew in '76 buttons.
-Find out where all these cylinders graduated from.
-Install handicapped access to the {your favorite pathetic baseball team
here}'s dugout.
-Kickstart your TV.
-Kickstop your TV.
-Perfect the internal cumbustion telephone.
-Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.
-Complain to God that Jupiter has more moons than we do.
-Make a list of things to do when bored.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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