Date: 3 Mar 88 18:29:34 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life 2.S
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A rock band's drummer thought he would make a good policman, he was
use to pounding a beat.
A man was taken to the polic station and asked to confess, they showed
him his fingerprints, and those found at the crime. "But they're whorls apart!"
A mafia hitman was taking a poor guy for a ride, a slay ride.
While in jail a man worked on his alibiography.
The officers busted a picture over a man's head. He was framed.
A gasoline carrier is like a polic car, it's a petrol wagon.
A dishonest man and a harp struck by lighting are both a blasted lyre.
Was he conceited? He's eight feet tall and plays the flute, he's clearly high-flutin'.
His wife was a brunnette, he had married a blonde, but then she dyed.
The guy's average income was around midnight.
The engaged couple had met in a revolving door and started going around together.
"What was Mrs Jone's maiden name?" "Why, her maiden aim was to get married."
A driver with a truck load a hogs was looking for a porking place.
His engine was smoking, but it that was ok, it was old enough.
He agreed with the sign, "Fine for parking."
A taxi driver is a man who drives away customers.
You have to watch out for rattlesnakes, they'll strike, they've form a union.
In a farm town the whole nieghborhood was stirred up, spring ploughing.
A husband was working in the backyard while his wife lay in bed with
a very bad cold. "How's the wife?" "Not so good." "Sorry, is that her
coughin?" "Oh, no. This here's a chicken coop."
When the pigs back into the electric fence, there is a short circus.
A old man who was hard of hearing went into the art museum looking for
a forty foot mule.
Everyone knows the four seasons are pepper, salt, vinegar, and oil.
Everyone knows the moon is really made of silver, it's quarters and halves.
A job description, how true? "The principal activities of this senior
clerk is to take care of some of the cuties of the commisioner."
The politicians three R's, this is Ours, that is Ours, everything is Ours.
He owns ten gaoline stations and not one had a roof, no overhead.
Cleopatra lived and loved on denial.
A wife to her husband, "How come you got insulate?"
He's a nice kid, but he can lilac anything.
He really liked going to the denist, it was a drilling time.
He thought he was twins, his mom had a picture of him as two.
He wanted a pet, asked for an octopus, he thought it would be an eight-sided cat.
The dog was chasing it's tail, he was trying to make both ends meet.
She enjoyed the song in sunday school, it was about a cross eyed bear
named Glady. The song was "Gladly the cross I'd bear."
At first the dog was named Ben, then it had puppies, now it's Ben Hur.
He thought Good Friday was a holiday for the guy who worked with Robinson Crusoe.
----------------------------------------------------
Dr. Jones fell in the well and died without a moan.
He should have tended to the sick, and let the well alone.
Ruth rode in my new cycle car in the seat in back of me;
I took a bump at fifty-five and rode on Ruthlessly.
He who courts and goes away, may court again another day;
But he who weds and courts girls still, may go to court against his will.
----------------------------------------------------
Daffynitions:
Fad: In one era and out the other.
Gossip: A prattlesnake.
Wolf: A big dame hunter.
Weasel: It blows at noon.
----------------------------------------------------
Calgary, Alberta Feb 17 1988 AP;
A disturbance interrupted the second hockey game between Poland and
Czeckoslavakia today. When the Czech team skated onto the ice in their
new Michael Jackson look team uniforms, the New Polish team (the tallest
hockey team ever put into a uniform, averaging slightly more than 3 meters
tall) refused to take to the ice. When the referee asked why they would not
play the odd looking Czech team the Polish coach Stanislaus Yarchevski said,
"We wouldn't touch a BAD Czech with a 10 foot Pole".
----------------------------------------------------
Nothing really happened during Rev. Swaggart's encounter with the prostitute--all
he did was ask her for money.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What are the four enemies of Soviet Agriculture?
A: Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall.
Q: How do you stop a runaway horse?
A: Bet on him.
Q: How many animals did Moses take onto the ark with him?
A: None. \fBNoah\fP had the ark.
Q: What do you call tax-exempt TV Evangalists?
A: Windfall Prophets.
Q: If somebody gives you fifty female pigs and fifty male deer,
what do you have?
A: One hundred sows and bucks.
----------------------------------------------------
Cat 1: I tell you I saw a mouse go into that hole.
Cat 2: You better not feline to me.
----------------------------------------------------
Top 5 most incredibly mind-bogglingly stupid questions
5. If 0/N=0, N/N=1 and N/0 is undefined, then what is 0/0?
4. Do fish get thirsty?
3. How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
2. Do vampires get AIDS?
1. Did Adam and Eve have belly-buttons?
----------------------------------------------------
Here are some of my favorite jokes from the HBO special Jackie Mason
On Broadway. Keep in mind that Jackie is a former rabbi. His father
and two brothers are also rabbis.
"I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian.
If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!"
"I've got another friend who is half-Polish and half-Jewish.
He's a janitor, but he owns the building!"
"I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish.
He hates Jews but can't remember why!"
Did you hear about the [certain ethnic] accountant who became
am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles.
After the show, all the gentiles are saying "Have a drink?
Want a drink? Let's have a drink!" while all the Jews are
saying "Have you eaten yet? Let's have coffee and cake!"
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all
the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc.
Jews, on the other hand, return and say "I had this slice of
cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make
it! It was great!"
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Oh, you're just going to shoot your wife???
This morning's Mercury carried an article about the visit of the Royal Stand-ins,
Andrew and Fergie, to L.A.'s British Fest. A man was arrested nearby for
carrying a rifle. It was subsequently determined that the event was independent
of the royal visit, that the man was toting his gun around because of a domestic
spat. So he was immediately released, and given back his gun.
----------------------------------------------------
Tweedledee: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Tweedledum: No...
Tweedledee: Good.
----------------------------------------------------
More stupid robber stories
Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank
and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me
all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked
out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He
had written the note on the back of his parole card.
The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value
approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The
local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The
thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to
suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was
unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy
on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced
the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still
talking to the newspaper!
Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle
of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I
believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and
dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It
seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or
wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the
woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.
This happened to somebody on jury duty 10-15 years ago.
The people who weren't on a case had been excused to go to lunch.
Well, when it was time to be back in the room waiting to be called on
there were two people missing. Well the bailiff in charge was getting
a little annoyed when he got a call from the police who are located
in the courthouse.
The police said are you missing two of your jurors, so-and-so and
so-and-so2? The bailiff said yes. Then the police said, well we have
them in jail up here. They were arrested for shoplifting.
I heard on the radio this morning about a man who had a small amount
of cocaine in his suitcase when he was coming through customs. For some
reason, he knew that the customs officials were going to search his bag.
So he grabbed someone elses bag off the carousel and went through customs.
When the officials opened up the suitcase, they found several pounds of
marijuana in it.
----------------------------------------------------
The original post up here about the theft of the apple laserwriter plus from
the computer center here at Carnegie Mellon was, shall we say, somewhat
inaccurate. I just happen to be the roomate of the guy who trapped the thief.
This is his story (ds6w+@andrew.cmu.edu). By the way, everything you are about
to read is TRUE. I was there when it all came down........
Random Info :
Baker Hall - One of the BIG academic buildings here. The cluster has 20 sun
3/50's, 20 each Mac and IBM PC's. The laserwriter (called cedar - all andrew
printers are named after trees :-)) was stolen from the UCC across campus from
Baker. BTW, the UCC cluster doesn't even have macintosh's. You'll understand
why this is important later on.
Academic Computing - the people who run the clusters and hire the PCons (ie
Don)
----------------------------
(voiceover the dragnet theme):
On Jan 16, at approximately 2:00 am, a $4,000 laserwriter printer was stolen
from the main computing cluster of CMU. As the printer was not alarmed and
unwatched, the suspect simply walked in and carried it off. Witnesses
described the suspect as a black male, 6'2", very heavily built and "mean
looking". This is the story of how that printer was recovered. My name is Don
Snow. I'm a computer hacker. (Dragnet theme: dum, ta-dum, dum)
By Jan 16, 2:00, the word was out on all the bulletin boards. I was at my
usually scheduled post in the Baker Hall computer cluster. I worked until
6:00. My replacement was late, so I had to wait until they rotated somebody
over to relive me. At approximately 5:30, I received a strange phone call:
me: Baker hall, what can I do for you?
voice: are you in front of the printer right now?
me: no.
voice: can you get to the printer while still on the phone and still be
in front of a mac?
me: no, there is no mac next to this printer
voice:ok, thanks, (whispered to people on the other side) just be quiet
and call security, I'll handle this.
[disconnected]
Obviously, something was up. (dum, ta-dum, dum)
At 5:50, received visit from campus security. Officer explained meaning of
phone call. Suspect had called the main computing center, claiming to be the
consultant in Baker Hall, asking how to hook up an apple laserwriter printer
to a macintosh. The call to me confirmed the fact that he was not the
consultant, because it was impossible to be on the phone and in front of a mac
and in front of the printer in Baker Hall as the suspect claimed. (dum, ta -
dum, dum daaaaa)
The word went out to all clusters who had laserwriters to be on the lookout
for a phone caller asking about laserwriters. At 6:20, I received another
call:
me: baker hall, how can I help you?
voice: yeah, I'm the consultant over at the main computer center, and I
need to restart the laserwriter for the macintosh. I'm getting this strange
error message. Can you help me?
me: sure, let me get the manual.
I then put my hand over the receiver and whispered "security" to my friend
sitting next to me, who immediately got up and ran out of the cluster. I then
began to stall the person on the other line.
me: now, what is the error message?
voice: unauthorized password failure.
me: sounds bad. let me look it up.
(5 minute pause of holding the receiver)
me: no there's nothing here...oh, I see why. This is the dinky users
manual and not the reference manual. hold on.
(5 minute pause)
me: ok, I got the right one, here we go. I'm looking at the index now.
me: hold on, I have to help a user.
(5 minute pause)
me: ok, I think I know what the problem is. You probably have the print
options configured wrong.
voice: no, I have all the options under print right
me: do you have the reduced bit map set?
voice: that is not on the menu
me: its on a secondary menu
(I then begin to have him toggle all the print options. Security arrives and
begins phone trace)
(later, after toggling about 5 print options)
voice: what do you mean, try setting the font substitution? that should
have nothing to do with the password.
me: (I begin to spew out technical garbage) Actually, it might. the
problem might be that the fonts you are using are not standard, and thus, the
mac is giving the printer a non-standard password which the laserwriter
doesn't understand.
voice: but I'm using "times" font! that has to be standard!
me: (calmly) yes, but the version of "times" from the MacDraw document
may an old version and therefore be outdated and thus in a non-standard form
than that of the laserwriter, which is thus expecting the standard print
toggle from the mac. Toggling the font substitution would tell the mac to send
the codes to the printer triggering the printer to be ready to receive non
standard fonts, and thus allow a smooth transfer of your document from mac to
printer. try it.
voice: OH, i see now. let me do it. no, it still isn't working.
me: er, hold on, I have to help another user.
(5 minute pause)
[disconnected]
Total elapsed time of stall: 40 minutes. Phone trace: successful.
On Jan 18, suspect was arrested in possession of printer, along with $20,000
more stolen computer hardware. Suspect made full confession. Case closed (dum,
ta - dum, dum daaaa, da da da dum!)
Inscription on gold plaque from Academic Computing:
"Presented to Donald Snow in recognition of his
invaluable assistance in the recovery of the LaserWriter
stolen from the UCC cluster on January 16, 1988. Don's
impersonation of a helpful user consultant held the thief on
the phone long enough for a successful phone trace."
----------------------------------------------------
Nay, lad! *Deciding's* not your ploy,
For that's a risky game.
It's *making a decision*
That's your surest road to fame.
Decide means to take action,
And actions rock the boat,
And if you act and don't succeed,
Small chance you'll stay afloat.
But... making a decision,
Ah! that's the way to swing.
It keeps the masses happy
And doesn't change a thing.
So get yourself a task force
Well skilled in all the arts
And call them all together
And watch them flip their charts.
For Jack says no and Jim says yes
And Billy says perhaps
And Chester asks good questions
... When he isn't taking naps.
And Bertram, chomping his cigar,
Is chock full of statistics,
While Waldemar, who puffs a pipe,
Is famed for his heuristics.
"The figures prove --" "The model says --"
"The forecast bears me out."
"The complex simplex program
Shows I'm right without a doubt."
Let's tiptoe out and close the door
And let them stew a while.
No fear that they'll do something rash,
for *doing's* not their style.
Reality's an untamed beast
That's difficult to master,
But models are quite docile
And give you answer faster.
So diddle with a model
To glorify your name,
Then get yourself a task force
And learn to play the game.
----------------------------------------------------
It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the
auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular
class had been in aviaian biology and identification. The professor
was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in
the grade.
Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students
saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that
they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that
had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a
number.
The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die
down, and them addressed the class. "Todays final will count, as you
know for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the
test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table
before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the
creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the
identifications, you may leave. Begin.", and with that he sat down.
One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for
the profs attention, and asked a question, "Uh, professor, are you
going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?".
"No... If you've been following the lectures through the term, you
should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should
have realized the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the
reading assignments."
The student, becoming a little alarmed, "You mean, you expect
us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet.
That's unreasonable."
"I'm sorry you're dismayed by this test. Perhaps if you'll begin
it'll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin
also."
"No, this is absurd. I'm not going to take this test. This is
outrageous. I'm leaving." And the student begins to gather up his
pencils, and day-pack.
"If you're leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my
The irate student, holding up his feet so the
prof can see them, replies, "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"
----------------------------------------------------
Cromwell and Rasputin
by
as submitted to
Dr. Richard King
The following essay was an actual submission by a stu-
dent, who was given the assignment: ``Write a term paper
comparing and contrasting two revolutionary figures of your
choice. The figures are to be selected from different
periods of European history.''
Unlike most papers of student bloopers, which are col-
laborative efforts, this one is the work of the exception-
ally fruitful pen of a single student. Read it and enjoy!
The English and the Russian revolutions had a leader
that stood out to have an effect on the revolution. For the
Russian it was Rasputin. He was born in the reign of the
Tsar-Emperor Alexander the Second, absolute ruler of over a
hundred million people consisting of fifty some nationali-
ties and speaking nearly two-hundred-different languages or
dialects. This empire stretched from the Prussian border to
beyond the Pacific Ocean. Rasputin was an Autocrat who
ruled by himself. He was free to appoint and dismiss minis-
ters as he pleased. Then theirs Oliver Cromwell, a man who
stood for the commission of the unthinkable act, the execu-
tion of the king, should have pushed the Commonwealth and
its leaders into further international isolation. These
were some of the issues that Oliver Cromwell drived for in
the English Revolution. Cromwell was dominant political
figure from 1649 to 1658. He had lead the attack on the
king and had many followers and support. These twoffigures,
Rasputin and Oliver Cromwell, ha had great emphasis on the
outcome of their revolutions (Russian and English). Lets
look at some similarities and differences on how they ruled
their reign of power.
Cromwell was a careful figure who ruled intil his death
in 1658. He lead an organization of parliament forces of
centralized army called the new model army. Cromwell was an
independent so he was frightened of parliament changing
religion. Cromwell had faith in his reign, he believed that
Parliament couldn't win the civil war if they didn't try
someting different.
Rasputin was also a careful and powerful leader. When
Nicholas went to the front to take personal command of the
army, his wife Alexandra took over government affairs and
relied on Rasputin almost completely. So Rasputin also con-
trolled an army and became a successful leader. Although he
was killed by the people, it was because of the sake of the
- 2 -
people in Russia. They felt that he was discrediting Nicho-
las II. Rasputin was such a key role in ruling the army,
Alexandra went into shock because of the death of Rasputin.
Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599. He immediately took
interest in public affairs. After he had become an under-
graduate at Cambridge, his father fied which brought him
back home to take care of his mother and the family. He
also took over his fathers business which was the management
of land. Later he had experienced a change of religion to
the Puritan side. He was respected so much by his neigh-
bours from his management of land, that they choose him to
represent Huntington in the Parliament which described
itself by the Petition of Right. Cromwell, however, was
known to have interest in religion before politics. He had
never really been able to hankle constitutional questions,
and was opposite as a whole to them.
Rasputin, however, was also a very religious man. He
went to early mass at six o'clock in the morning at Afonskoe
Podvorie. He was so admirred, that on the way back from
mass there would be a crowd of followers behind him, who
accompanied him into the dining room for breakfast. Among
these guests were petitioners who arrived around eight
o'clock. Rasputin was always called upon by Tsarskoe Selo
at ten o'clock, even thought he was usually sleeping by this
time. A secret came out that Rasputin was prepared to carry
out various transactions, arrange reals of military ser-
vices, get sentences of imprisonment released, or dispose of
the granting of concessions. While known that Rasputin was
open for bribes, also took into consideration the help of
petitioners who came to him with nothing.
These two leaders, and their different personalities
make them both uneque. These two leaders had great effect
on the outcome of their revolutions. Even though their
techneques were not exactly alike they had similarities in
their personal behavior and their beliefs. These two fig-
ures reigned at two different times and are also two dif-
ferent people in most respects.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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