Date: 18 Feb 88 14:56:49 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life 2.R
----------------------------------------------------
The following are various stories of stupid robbers:
A few years back, some poor fool decided to rob a bank on a Friday afternoon.
Stupid fellow that one. If he had looked across the street, he would have
realized that this bank was next to FBI headquarters, and it was payday.
Virtually every person in the bank was an agent! Needless to say, this hapless
fool got a quick lesson in law enforcement technique...
My cousin used to work for, er, qantel, and there were some boxes of
garbage sitting on the loading dock. You bet someone stole them, after all,
they were labled printer boxes and such!!
This reminds me of the stories which appeared in the press a few years
ago during a garbage strike in N.Y. Apparently, the cabbies started wrapping
up their garbage and putting it in the back of their cab. It was always gone
by the end of their shift.
In College Park, GA, a suburb of Atlanta, an armed man entered a La
Quinta hotel lobby with the intention of robbing the place. He pulled out
his gun and demanded money from the hotel clerk. The funny thing is that
the robber never noticed that there was a FULLY-UNIFORMED police officer
standing less than 15 feet away in the lobby. Not only that, but the hotel
security camera filmed the entire episode, including the arrest. The local
television stations showed the tape on the evening news.
The stupidest tricks I've heard of, though, are always bank robbers.
Like the guy who was caught walking back to the bank with a can of gas after
his car ran out of gas while he was in robbing the bank.
They managed to enter the place without setting off the alarm, but they
were unable to crack the safe by drilling holes in it or trying to hear the
tumblers fall. So they decided to blow the thing open. After a loud explosion
the safe was still locked tight, but the alarm had been set off. When they
got to the getaway car it wouldn't start. So they each ran off in a different
direction as the sirens approached. The police had no problem identifying
and apprehending them, though. One of them had left his wallet on the front
seat of the getaway car.
The other day, a South Carolina football player didn't want to be caught
with the goods, so he swallowed six rocks of crack.
He died a few hours later.
A mugger in NY city (about 1965) tried to mug (or rape) two women walking
through Central Park. It turned out they were roller derby queens, and they
walked on him with spike heels. I heard that he died later, but I'm not sure.
Two muggers in Albany NY (about 1970) tried to mug someone coming out
of a grocery store. He was walking his pit bull, using a funny black belt for a leash.
Does anybody remember a few years back when two guys tried to hijack a
New York City subway train to Miami?
How about the bank robber in Champiagn IL. who robbed the bank one day
and return to the same bank the next day to deposit the money into his account
and even went to the same teller. Well the teller keep him busy while someone
called the police.
--------------------------------------------------
Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup??
If you were dyslexic AND cross-eyed, could you see ok??
----------------------------------------------------
"Oh, you're going to Hong Kong! You must try one of those new restaurants that
are on boats in the harbor!"
"No thanks, I never eat junk food." --British radio
----------------------------------------------------
Why did the orange lose his job at the orange juice factory?
-- He couldn't consentrate!
----------------------------------------------------
Los Angeles Times, February 10:
New York City gave a developer permission to construct a 31-story apartment
building on Manhattan's Upper East Side. It was later determined that the
building violates city zoning regulations, even though a faulty city zoning
map led to the error. So the developer must remove the top 12 stories from
the building, at an estimated cost of ten million dollars.
----------------------------------------------------
Seen on a T-shirt out at the lunch truck:
I FEEL MORE LIKE I DO TODAY THAN I DID YESTERDAY
----------------------------------------------------
Item from Computer, February 1988:
ATARI offers newtworking with Moses PromiseLAN
Atari has announced a local area network called Moses PromiseLAN, which reputedly
connects up to 17 PCs in a star configuration using telephone wire. According
to the company, the software meets Netbios standards.
Moses PromiseLAN connects . . . . .
----------------------------------------------------
"We trained hard, but it seemed every time we were beginning to form up into
teams, we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend
to meet any new situation by reorganising, and a wonderful method it can
be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency
and demoralisation"
From Petronii Arbitri Satyricon AD 66.
Attributed to Gaius Petronus
Gaius Petronus, a Roman General, later committed suicide!
----------------------------------------------------
In case you haven't been reading the newspapers-
the high school for the performing arts at which the movie 'FAME'
was filmed has burned down in New York City.
I hear they're going to do a new movie..... 'FLAME'
----------------------------------------------------
DAILY NEWS, February 16:
San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances
guaranteeing sunshine to the masses. In June of 1984 voters passed Proposition
K, prohibiting new buildings from casting shadows on any city park. In 1986
the city adopted a downtown plan mandating that no new buildings could cast
a shadow between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. on any of 19 streets in the downtown
shopping area. To comply with the city's shadow laws, Tom Swift, executive
vice president of a major high-rise development firm, had to limit a new
25-story office building to a mere 15 stories. According to Swift, "The
original building would have been much more dramatic."
----------------------------------------------------
A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber
and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk
fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft
with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interes-
ting flying because of the manueverability, acceleration and the like.
The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you
guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate.
"Watch," he tells them.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says,
"There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots
say, "What are talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll,
got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Are you going to see him Samoa?" "Don't be Sicily, he's a Spain in the
neck."
"I don't mean to Russia, but Venic she leaving?" "Well, she said she
wasn't going to Rumania here another day."
"I don't Bolivia." "Denmark my words, you'll regret it."
"What did you do last summer?" "I worked in Des Moines." "Coal or Iron?"
"Swell town you got here. Lots of big men born here?" "No, only babies."
"May I see you pretty soon?" "Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
"How should long girls be courted?" "The same as the short ones."
To a persistent Casanova: "If you don't leave now, I'll call the whole
firedepartment to put you out."
The American sister states: Mary Land, Ida Ho, Louisa Anna, & Minne Sota.
Did you realize that bank robbers are all going to Canada now? That's the
only place they have Toronto.
The local banker really likes the Swiss slogan: every little bit Alphs.
Television is a wonderful communication device, you can get London & Tokyo
on it. And there's the window, with it open you can get Chile at night.
A couple went to see the mystery and horror movies. They loved each
shudder.
A son asked his father for a hundred dollars. The father said no. "Oh,
come on dad, be a good support."
He loved her, but won't die for her. He has an undying love for her.
A man, dejected over a repulsed suit thought about hanging himself in
frontof her house, then remembered she didn't want him haning around.
He was a suitor for her hand, but he didn't, suit her.
An anniversary was coming up, he started to reminisce about the last ten
years. She just wanted to talk about her presents.
A set of pen pals over the years developed a romance which ended when they
exchanged pictures, a photo finish.
He wanted a willing housekeeper for a wife. He's looking for one ready
maid.
He didn't know how to get ahold of a lady, she's pretty ticklish.
She's a May bride, she may or may not get married.
He used to have her picture over the fireplace, then he proposed, and she
gave him the negative.
He's rather good looking, in a way. Away off.
He fell in lover with her when she ignored him. It was love at first
slight.
"How did you find your steak?" "I found it under the potato."
The doctor won't be back for a long while, he's out on an eternity case.
A magician started young learning magic tricks. His first was to saw
a woman in half. He has several half sisters.
A physician won't drink in a shipyard, for he is a dry doc.
He thought the operation would be fun, he was told he would be in stitches.
A young women at the hospital was given a private room, she was too cute for wards.
She was expecting some lion's tails, he had sent a telegram from Africa,
"Captured two lions, sending details by mail."
A sea gull landed on a channel marker, buoy meets gull.
A myth is a young female moth.
He didn't want any red cross seals at Christmas time, he didn't know
what to feed them.
He doesn't have a monkey wrench. But his father has a cattle rench,
and his brother has a sheep rench.
The local zoo had a new born baby bear, so the newspaper sent over a cub reporter.
His hands were in the alphabet soup, he was groping for words.
In Romeo and Juliet, as Mercutio dies, he says "Ask for me tomorrow
and you shall find me a grave man."
Tomas R. Marshall, Vice-President to Wilson, dedicated one of his books:
"To President Woodrow Wilson from his only Vice."
----------------------------------------------------
BEFORE THE BIG BANG:
NEWS FROM THE HUBBLE LARGE SPACE TELESCOPE
The Astronomer was red-eyed, pale,
his face was gray with stubble;
he was 13 on a sliding scale
of 1 to 10 in trouble.
"Is Physics just a fairy tale?"
he asked, and then began to wail,
"Why DID we seek the holy grail?
Why did we launch the Hubble?
The launch was good (relax, exhale)
the data systems did not fail
we peered beyond the cosmic veil,
the anti-cosmic double
to back before the quarks prevail.
We digitized each dark detail
but it was all to no avail,
it burst our pretty bubble."
"WHAT did you see?" I asked "Before
Beginning Big Bang lights?"
(I reviews and interviews. I edits and I writes.)
"Before the start of Time, before the Universe's Birth,
What DID the Hubble show, ten billion years before the Earth?"
He told me. Now I writes no more.
I drinks a bit. I edits.
"Right before the Beginning," he said,
"is when THEY roll the credits!"
(C) Jonathon V. Post
(Previously published in
"Rhysling Anthology, 1987" and "Star*line, Nov/Dec 1986")
----------------------------------------------------
YOUR CO-WORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN, SAY EXPERTS ... here's how you can
tell (by Michael Cassels of the "National Inquirer")
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -
but you can spot these visitors byy looking for certain
tip-offs, say experts.
They listed 10 signs to watch for:
1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully
understand the different styles, so they wear combinations
that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped
shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted
Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might
eat French fires with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of
pills, the experts say.
3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens whho don't understand
earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film
or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra
time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton,
a theoretical biologist and futurist.
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly
gathering information." said Steiger.
6. Misuses everday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid
to paint its nails," said Steiger.
7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens
who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that
seem stupid, Easton said.
"For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on
the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.
8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or
on weekends," said Steiger.
9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to
speaking as we do,so an alien may practice speaking," Steiger noted.
10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a
microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out
that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these
traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
----------------------------------------------------
The following are taken from "The Washington Wits" edited by Bill Adler, 1967
Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that their
intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, generous
person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. (p 5)
Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 Senatorial
campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself shaking hands
with a well-known labor leader.
"There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the advertising
men in charge of his campaign.
"What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
"That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. (p 10-11)
Attorney General Robert Kennedy arrived late at a Business Council Meeting
in the Capitol, and with a straight face he attributed the delay to "a suit
filed by the Dupont Company to require the Justice Department to divest itself
of the Antitrust Division." (p 28)
The driver of a car carrying Hubert Humphrey to an appointment for which
he was late attempted to regain lost time by speeding. Nervously, the Vice-President
cautioned him to slow down: "I'd rather be the Hubert Humphrey who came late
than the late Hubert Humphrey." (p 48)
A group of students once asked Humphrey how a supposed "liberal" could
oppose a bill to allow the coloring of oleomargarine. Explained the Senator
with a grin, "I counted up the dairy farmers in Minnesota and the oleo manufacturers.
There were more dairy farmer." (p 50)
Humphrey is responsible for dubbing the Communist scheme for world domination
"Operation Nibble." (p 51)
Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry Goldwater
notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts up to 340."
On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
to size ... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." (p 88)
A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a finger
through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses are
just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't work." (p 88)
When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned
as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" political views.
"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
closer together.' The old farmer replied, "I ain't moved.'
"I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
moved farther to the left." (102)
Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need
more owls." (p 116)
Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number
of employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number
of farmers in America." (p118)
]What's even funnier is that the amendment FAILED.
Republican Senator Karl Mundt of South Dakota reports that the citizens
of East Berlin, who have their eyes fixed upon the prosperous Western sector
as a symbol of freedom, have managed to retain their optimism and a good
sense of humor. He tells the story of a young East Berliner who had been
told that his "mother" was the East German "Republic" and his "father" the
Communist party. Asked by Brezhnev what his ambition was for the future,
he replied, "I would like to be an orphan." (p118)
In reviewing the book, there are lots of humor, most stories are ok
without being great.
----------------------------------------------------
How many Republican presidential candidates does it take to change a
lightbulb?
Dole: When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have
lightbulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
Dupont: Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants
have always taken care of that.... With a Dupont administration
the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce
light-bulbs that never need changing!
Robertson: Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this
light-bulb!
Kemp: It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light-bulbs?
Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light-bulbs! [stumbles
over chair in the dark.]
Haig: One. Snap to it, soldier!
Bush: I resent that question, Dan. I've answered it before, and I think
the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American
people are TIRED of light-bulb jokes!
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page