Date: 25 Jan 88 14:26:32 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 2.N
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A LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE
SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government takes one to give
to someone else.
COMMUNISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and gives
you the milk.
FASCISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and sells
you the milk.
NAZISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one
and pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
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An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going
to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I
already speak Russian."
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They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But
they also laughed at Bozo the Clown... [attr. to Carl Sagan]
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"Look," said the blind man to his deaf wife, as he
picked up his hammer and saw.
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My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells by the seashore.
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Isn't it odd that all the members of the Association for Computing Machinery
are human? (I've been thinking of signing my home computer up.)
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To err is human, to forgive divine
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to do nothing, benign.
To err is human, to quit, resign.
To err is human, to howl about it, lupine.
To err is human, to solve it, design.
To err is human, to admit it, asinine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
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"You can't fool all of the people all of the time, but you can make
some good money on those you do."
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In an interview with Timothy Leary in the 20th anniversity editon of the
Rolling Stone Magazine:
Q: As the former so-called LSD guru, what do you think of Nancy Reagan's
advice on drugs - "Just say no"?
A: Our kids should be better mannered than that! We should tell them, "Just
say 'No, thank you.'".....
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What does a desert crab and Christmas have in common?
They both have sandy claws(santa claus).
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LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller
a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding
a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.
When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked
out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
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Chalk up a new triumph for modern packaging in 1987!
I wanted to remove some Tie-Wraps from some equipment. The usual way to
do this is with dikes (diagonal cutting pliers). I didn't have those, so
I went to the stockroom and bought a pair.
They came in the usual bubble pack, but with an extra twist: To keep them
closed during packing, the cutting tips were bound together----with a tie wrap!
So I bought another pair to cut that tie wrap, only to encounter the same
problem, so I bought another pair to cut that one-----etc. etc. etc. etc.
I can hardly wait for '88.
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"There's only one thing about the 1988 Presidential race
that worries me....someone has to win. "
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From "The People's Medical Journal", December 1987 Volume 6 : Number 12.
(Dr. Dean Edell's medical newsletter)
Snoring and Calf Pain
Here's an article from the New England Journal of Medicine that reminds us
how simple some diagnoses can be. A 66 year old man went to his general
practitioner, complaining of pain and tenderness in his right calf for 4
days durations. He said the pain was deep in the muscle and did not change
with position or exercise.
The doctor examined the man and couldn't find anything wrong, except that
he was tender over this spot in his right calf. The patient has had a lot
of problems with snoring. The doctor was unable to make a diagnosis. A
couple of nights later this man was in bed and had just fallen asleep when
he was awakened by a sharp pain in his right calf. The cause was a kick
from his wife. He told her not to kick him there because that's where the
leg hurts. She replied, "You were snoring again, and that's where I always
kick you to stop it." Subsequently, his wife agreed to stop kicking his
calf in spite of the fact that he continued to snore and the leg got better.
No lab test in the world would have picked that one up.
Bio-Medical Journal, 1985; 291:630-2.
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"The Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America in its search for offending
pollens took samples of Los Angeles air. Right ouside its trendy Westside
office, this. Analysis showed that 40 percent of the collected contaminants
were from marijuana."
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"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
--ZSA ZSA GABOR
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Reach for the Sky.
The US Department of Agriculture has encountered an unanticipated difficulty in
its project to develop robot fruit pickers. To contain costs, the robots were
designed with monochrome scanners. Unfortunately, to the robots, an orange has
the same size, shape, and brightness as a small cloud. Current robot pickers
are often hung up literally reaching for the clouds. The USDA says it's back
to the drawing board - this time using color.
(From "Random Access", 21 November 1987)
[Was this in Orange Count-y? By the way, a cotton-picking robot might
still have trouble with white clouds. Fruit-of-the-zoom? PGN]
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Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
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I just heard via some TV reporter in Saigon that Vietnamese slang for
Russian sailors translates to 'Americans without money'.
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The following is copied with permission from Computer Update Magazine, a
monthly publication of the Boston Computer Society, issue of November/December
1987. It is extracted from the "Off the Grapevine" column of rumors, editorials,
and "true facts".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A New Twist"
During the past few months, the BCS's Telecommunications Group has been
trying to develop a viable alternative to the FCC's proposal to impose a
tariff on computer data networks. The group's work has received so much
national attention that the congressional committee that oversees the FCC
has asked the BCS to testify before Congress.
The BCS is concerned, however, because our nonprofit, tax-exempt status
limits our ability to engage in activities that might be considered political
lobbying. If the IRS feels that we have stepped outside our educational
mission, it could threaten to revoke the Society's charitable status. Thus,
when the director of the BCS's Telecommunications Group was told a few days
ago that an agent from the IRS had phoned and was waiting on hold to speak
with him, he felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.
"I'd like to speak with you about your work on the FCC proposal," the
agent told our director.
An ominous silence followed.
"Yes," our director replied.
"The IRS is the largest user of one of the leading data networks. If this
proposal goes through, we're going to get hurt badly. We could really use
the BCS's help."
----------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new household cleaner just on the market?
It's called "Bachelor."
Why?
Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.
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There are basic personality differences between engineers, research
scientists, and theoretical mathemeticians. This can be illustrated
by the way each reacts to the same situation. The situation is:
waking up with one's bedroom curtains on fire.
The engineer wakes up, sees that his curtains are on fire. He quickly
jumps out of bed and gets a bucket of water, throws the water on the
flaming curtains, and puts the fire out. Seeing that all is well,
he then goes back to bed.
The research scientist wakes up, sees that his curtains are on fire.
He jumps out of bed, cuts a piece of the flaming curtain and carries
it to the bathroom sink where he pours water on it. He sees that
pouring water on the fire will put it out, so he goes and gets a
bucket of water and throws it on the flaming curtains. The fire is
now out, so he is satisfied and goes back to bed.
The theoretical mathemetician wakes up, sees that his curtains are on
fire. He jumps out of bed, cuts off a piece of the flaming curtain,
and carries it to the bathroom sink where he pours water on it. He
sees that the water put out the fire, and he is satisfied, so he goes
back to bed.
----------------------------------------------------
A mathematician, scientist, and engineer are each asked:
"Suppose we define a horse's tail to be a leg. How many legs does a horse
have?"
The mathematician answers "5"; the scientist "1"; and the engineer says
"But you can't do that!"
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a technician, an engineer and a scientist were given the folowing problem
to solve :
You are standing 20ft. away from a gorgeous female. You start walking
towards her with a speed, inversely proportional (specific relation given) to
the distance between you two. How long will it take you to reach her ?
following answers reflect the differences in their approaches :
the technician : forget the equations, I will catch her somehow, pretty soon.
the scientist : after doing a lot of paper work, says - well theoretically
speaking I can never get to her, because the distance will never be
theoretically zero.
the engineer : after doing a quick rough calculation, says - well I will reach
her in about 6sec, for ALL PRACTICAL PURPOPSES.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Pet peeve
According to the January issue of Smithsonian magazine, a Beatrice, Nebraska,
man left his pet bulldog in the car for a few minutes at a gas station.
When the man tried to get back in, he found that the dog, perhaps peeved
over some slight, had locked all the doors.
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From London Times via Car and Driver:
Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and
is in a hurry. He is getting irritated with the slowness of his
driver. "Can't you go any faster?" he says angrily. "I have to
obey the speed limits," says the driver. Finally Gorbachev
orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel. Sure
enough a patrol car soon pulls them over. The senior officer
orders the junior to go write up the ticket. But the junior
officer comes back and says he can't give them a ticket, the
person in the car is too important. "Well, who is it?", the
senior officer asks. "I didn't recognize him," says the junior
officer, "but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur."
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Subject: The one which didn't get away
(The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail.)
Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages.
Today we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by
way of Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master
when it vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog's master, who was fishing
at the time, hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He
looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a
tail."
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out
after the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself
at the pike, "barking excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that
got away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier
to tell about the one that didn't?
----------------------------------------------------
Los Angeles Times, January 15:
Computer programmers Joseph and Jonathan Seiber of Inscribe Inc. in Cambridge,
Massachusetts, designed a software package that produced letter-perfect calligraphy.
However, prospective buyers complained that it was too perfect, lacking
the slight irregularities and tiny flaws that real calligraphy would have.
So the Seibers went back to the drawing board, so to speak, and introduced
those little human touches into their software. Now business is booming
and everyone is happy.
----------------------------------------------------
[Credit goes to Donald E. Westlake, from "Bred Any Good Rooks Lately?"]
A rare delicacy is sauteed Sloth a la Dortmunder. Using the middle toe of
the great Australian three-toed sloth -- the only edible part of that large,
furry, indolent creature -- the careful chef debones it, pounds it as with
veal, and sautees it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles,
and just a touch of Tobasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent
main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste.
Many people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good
meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can only
be sauteed, A LA DORTMUNDER, a fact ill-appreciated in culinary circles.
TOO MANY COOKS BROIL THE SLOTH!!!
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The December 1987 issue of Space World magazine had a letter describing the
38th meeting of the Congress of the International Astronautical Federation
(IAF) held in Brighton, England the week of October 11, 1987. There were
1,500 attendees and about 600 papers were presented. Here is an excerpt.
"At least one Soviet speaker at the IAF was looking far beyond tomorrow.
L. M. Shkadov, from the USSR Academy of Sciences, presented a paper in which
he proposed to use a solar sail to move the entire Solar System around the galaxy.
His calculations showed that the Solar System could be moved a distance of
30 parsecs (about 98 light years) in one revolution of the Galaxy (about
200 million years) using a reflector some 400,000-800,000 miles in diameter
positioned so that the Sun's gravitational pull on the reflector would be
just balanced by the force of the solar radiation on the reflector.
The idea is to eventually move the Earth into the planetary system of a relatively
young, solar-type star before our Sun begins the trauma of stellar senescence."
----------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the
doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months
to live." The man sits for a while thinking, and then says,
"There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a
communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American
all your life, why are you going to become a communist now?"
The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us."
----------------------------------------------------
From a Rice Krispies Joke Machine:
==============================================
Why do tigers live in the jungle?
They hate city traffic.
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Stop taking me for granite.
What should you do if you can't see at night?
Enroll in night school.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shoes?
In case he got a hole in one.
What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
When is the moon the heaviest?
When it is full.
How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold his nose.
What should you do every morning?
Wake up.
Why do spiders spin webs?
Because they can't knit.
What flowers are on your face?
Two lips.
What's yellow and always points north?
A magnetic banana.
What would you do if you smashed your toe?
Call a toe truck.
How do you make a vanilla shake?
Take it to a scary movie.
What's the difference between a bear and an ant?
About 2,000 pounds.
What's better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
What's the difference between a nickel and a dime?
Five cents.
What looks like a horse and flies?
A flying horse.
What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.
----------------------------------------------------
A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the resettlement
influxes. He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos, and he wanted
to get into the same line of work here. The first thing he did was join
AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers).
He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems with the English
language, being a new resident. In order to keep body and soul together
while going to English classes, he took up barbering. Soon, he became a
very good barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed to be
an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made
him specialize in giving shaves.
Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.
----------------------------------------------------
This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one
week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent
mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I
could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how
much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent
ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of
heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how
many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me
vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar
vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help
me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a ticket!"
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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