Date: 11 Dec 87 11:51:44 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life 2.L
Dorothy Parker had the most amusing witt, here's a few of em.
At a party, a snobbish gentleman is trying to impress her. "I just
can't bear fools" he says. To this comes an instant reply "Obviously
your mother did".
A reporter is pestering her at a party. Reporter: "Have you ever
had your ears pierced" Dorothy Parker: "No, but I've often had them bored"
It had been said that Dorothy Parker could make a pun based upon
ANY word. A gentleman challanged her to make a pun using the word
"horticulture"; she promptly replied: "You can lead a horticulture,
but you can't make her think."
The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
And of course the famous:
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
----------------------------------------------------
So Gorbachev (sp?) decided that now that he was on top, it was time
to impress his ancient mother. He sent his private helicopter out to
the small town where she lived to pick her up. He met her with a
fleet of limos in Red Square.
So, mama. It's good to see you here in Moscow! Come, we eat!
She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his
limo. He took her to the best restraunt in town, where they were served
by an army of waiters. The food was superb, the wine the best money
could buy. She said nothing.
You like the dinner? Come. We fly to my Dacha for drinks.
The chopper picked them up & delivered them to the steps of a
magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city. Waiters
in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the
best Cognac and liquor available.
They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.
So, mama. You don't say anything. Aren't you proud of your
little Miki? Haven't I done well?
She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.
Miki, baby. Is wonderful time I have here. Helicopters are so
grand to fly in, Food is best I have ever tasted. And this, A dacha?
This is more glorious than anything I could imagine.
Yes, Miki. Is wonderful. I am happy for you. But Miki, Baby.
What if the communists return!
----------------------------------------------------
One Pole: Are the Russians our friends or our brothers?
Second Pole: I give up.
First Pole: Our brothers - you get to choose your friends.
-----------
Why is Communism like flying in an aeroplane?
You see the glorious horizon approaching but the longer you fly,
the less the glorious horizon seems to approach, you feel sick,
and you can't get out.
----------
Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal
Assistance.
Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked
me down and took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant: Come again?
Czech: Are you deaf? Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier
knocked me down and took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant: You're confused. It was a Russian soldier who
knocked you down and took your Swiss watch.
Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
---------
Kruschev is at a political dinner, and a young hopeful from Gosplan
is giving a speech about tractor production which is going on for ever.
In true Russian fashion, K. spears his steak on his fork, picks it
up, and starts to nibble around it.
Nina, (Mrs K), is horrified, and hisses "Nazhom, Nikita, nazhom!"
("Your knife, Nikita, use your knife!")
Nikita answers, "Why, what did he say?"
----------------
Small boy: They were telling us at school about the difference
between Socialism and Communism. How will we know when
Socialism has been achieved, and we are in the state of
true Communism.
Mother: When every family has a private plane.
Small buy: Wow! And what will we use ours for?
Mother: I was thinking if flying down to Kiev to see if
they have any butter this week.
----------------------------------------------------
Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist
in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor
AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after
seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that
doesn't work, why then he can go to the opthalmologist. So a month later
(Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureacracy) he is shown to the
doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't
connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear
what I see!
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and
prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
"Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."
----------------------------------------------------
A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car. He sits down
with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options.
The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years. The man wants to
know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon. The car dealer
is a bit surprised, "Why do you care? It's ten years away." "Well the plumber
is coming in the morning."
----------------------------------------------------
Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt were riding in a limo, when they happened
to look back and notice a huge ugly monster was chasing them. Hoping to
persuade it to go away, Churchill rolled down his window and tossed out
all the money he had, about 10,000 pounds. The monster picked it up,
sniffed it, then tossed it aside and continued to pursue the limo. So
Roosevelt opened his window, and tossed out $100,000, with a gold money
clip he'd gotten from Rockefeller, and his $1500 gold watch. The monster
picked up the bundle, sniffed it, sneered and continued to pursue the limo.
So comrade Stalin pulled out a pen and paper, scribbled a short note, and
tossed it out the window. The monster read the note and came to a screaming
halt (a la buggs bunny, smoke from the heels), turned around, and ran the
other way. Well of course, the other world leaders wanted to know what
Comrade Stalin had written in the note. "Simple", he said. "I wrote,
'This is the road to Communism'."
----------------------------------------------------
It was really tough work being an Apostle of Jesus. Can you imagine
the hours? What if you wanted a day off? So you call up Jesus and say,
"Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I
won't be able to make it to today's Sermon.......what........say that
again, you say I'm cured?"
----------------------------------------------------
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a
long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
----------------------------------------------------
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
witness.
----------------------------------------------------
"you have known the defendant for how long ?"
"Fourteen years."
"Tell the court whether or not you think he is the type of man who
would steal this money."
"How much was it ?"
----------------------------------------------------
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion
year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center
in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by
the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this
procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's
brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's
brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five
thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain??
Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we
would have to kill?"
----------------------------------------------------
Qualifying Examination
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all ques-
tions. Time Limit - 4 hours. Begin immediately.
1. History
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively,
on its social, political, economic, religious, and philo-
sophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be
brief, concise, and specific.
2. Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze,
and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture
until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen
minutes.
3. Public Speaking
2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or
Greek.
4. Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years
earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on
the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
5. Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
6. Psychology
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate
the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodi-
sias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your
evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making
appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
7. Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your
theory.
8. Management Science
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals,
each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the commun-
ications interface and all necessary control programs.
9. Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruc-
tion manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry
Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever
action you feel is appropraite. Be prepared to justify your
decision.
10. Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following
areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of
light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criti-
cize this method from all possible points of view. Point out
the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in
your answer to the last question.
11. Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World
War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.
12. Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of
your position.
13. Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.
14. Modern Physics:
Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an
experiment to prove your position.
15. Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its signi-
ficance. Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.
16. Foreign Affairs:
It has recently been suggested (especially after Black
Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost national con-
sensus. Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how
the conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the ag-
ressor in the situation. Discuss the pros and cons.
17. Art:
Explain Mona Lisa's smile.
18. Juris Prudence:
In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the
leader of the populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business
following a successful coup d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers".
In light of the present populist mood in the United States, assess the
utility and any potential impact of such a policy today.
19. Religion:
Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand
for Adam and Eve, and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your
position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Angl-
ican bishop will moderate this debate.
20. General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Extra Credit
Define the Universe; give three examples.
----------------------------------------------------
The art of insulting has not kept up with the advance of science.
We are still using Nineteenth Century insults like "You are off your
rocker" and "You have bats in your belfry." To help remedy the
situation I propose the following high-tech insults:
1) You are acting like overdoped silicon.
2) I see that you weren't fully debugged before release.
3) You are the Sinclair ZX80 of human beings.
4) If brains were quarks, you wouldn't have enough to make
a neutron.
5) You are shallower than the difusion layer of an integrated
circuit.
6) (A male insulting female:) Your body is so under-allocated,
it leaves me with a dangling pointer.
7) You are so nerdy you wouldn't pass the Turing test.
8) Your brain needs a good garbage-collection algorithm.
9) You aren't even as bright as an LED.
10) Don't bother with a CAT scan, your brain wouldn't even fill
one pixel.
11) Have you had a head crash?
----------------------------------------------------
On the front page of today's Wall Street Journal:
By 62% to 17%, Americans still trust President Reagan over Mr. Gorbachev
to reduce tensions between the countries.
----------------------------------------------------
Los Angeles Times, November 24:
Banning, Blythe and Barstow no longer qualify as "distressed" cities under
federal guidelines, nor do Adelanto, Lake Elsinore, or Loma Linda.
But Beverly Hills does.
According to a new U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development list,
Beverly Hills can apply for about $56 million a year in business development
grants reserved for small cities suffering "physical and economic distress."
----------------------------------------------------
Heard on a radio station.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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