Article 171887 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 2.D
Message-ID: [cate3D52zCr.BMu@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 1995 17:31:39 GMT
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Sender: cate3@netcom11.netcom.com
Date: 31 Aug 87 10:17:17 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 2.D
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only
a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."
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from the august Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast cars
across europe...
[we join our antagonists as they are just leaving a delay-causing border
crossing and heading into northern italy]
"Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
[-modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
them at 130-plus - to see if you're paying attention."
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"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion."
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The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking
lot standards, specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms
of centimeters of rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
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This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to
metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:
All signs metric
next 20 miles
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The most dangerous organization in America today is:
a) The KKK
b) The American Nazi Party
c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
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The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information
about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries. In Australia,
the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's
drunk and in jail." In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the
spouse is jailed. In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic
jail term of one year. In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven 20 miles out
of town and forced to walk back. In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction
results in capital punishment. In El Salvador, your first offense is your
last -- execution by firing squad.
From the August Road & Track.
------------------------------------------------
90/90 Law of Software Project Management:
The first 90% of the task takes the first 90% of the time,
and the remaining 10% takes the other 90%.
------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A. The teacher sez "Get that gum out of your mouth", where as the
train sez "Chew, Chew ".
------------------------------------------------
One day this guy is finally fed up with a middle-class existence
and decides to do something about it. He calls up his best
friend, who is a mathematical genius. ``Look,'' he says, ``You
are so smart. Don't you suppose you could find some way
mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We
could make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life.'' The
mathematician ponders this a bit and walks away mumbling to him-
self.
A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had
any success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies,
``Well, yes, actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure
that it will work, but there a number of details to be figured
out.
After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's
house, looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, ``I think I've
got it! I still have some of the theory to work out, but now I'm
certain that I'm on the right track.''
At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend
by pounding on his door at 3:17 a.m. He has dark circles under
his eyes. His hair hasn't been tended to for many days. He ap-
pears to be wearing the same clothes as the last time. He has
several pencils sticking out from behind his ears and an almost
maniacal expression on his face. ``WE CAN DO IT! WE CAN DO
IT!!'' he shrieks. ``I have discovered the perfect solution!!
And it's so EASY!'' ``Tell me! How does it work?'' his friend
excitedly asks? ``Well, it's like this...''
``Assume that horses are spheres...''
------------------------------------------------
At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining
weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch.
After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone
else. This became known as the "Moron Tab and Apple Choir".
------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Iranian who made an operator-assisted telephone call
to his homeland?
He wanted the operator to set up a Persian-to-Persian call.
------------------------------------------------
"The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics
is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."
------------------------------------------------
One just in the San Francisco paper (note: Marin County is a ritzy area just
north of San Francisco):
'Did you know that if you dial 911 in Marin County you get the BMW repair garage?'
------------------------------------------------
This one is true!!!
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite
ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven
herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking
lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'
The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'
------------------------------------------------
It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. Yep,
she has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she
doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath.
That, right, the sign outside reads:
Super California Mystic
Expert Halitosis
------------------------------------------------
Something resembling the following appeared on a commercial
birthday card with a caveman motif:
I wanted to give you something special for your birthday, so I
baked you the biggest and fanciest birthday cake I could. Unfortunately,
it was so big and heavy that I couldn't lift it onto the cart to deliver
it. I tried to construct a lever to lift it onto the cart, but it didn't
work. So I made a bigger lever and tried to lift it onto the cart, but
it didn't work. So, I made an even bigger lever, but try as I could I
couldn't lift the cake. Fortunately, as I was doing this, my friend Nate,
the biggest and strongest person I know walked by, and without any trouble
at all, lifted the cake onto the cart without any help at all. Which
only goes to show, "Better Nate than lever."
------------------------------------------------
Recently, Munich, Germany was having a severe problem
with there dog population. It was skyrocketing beyond belief.
In a matter of a couple of weeks, the population doubled and
then even tripled. They had to put together a special
emergency committee to solve the problem. But, the dogs
continued to multiply. The dogs started to infest Munich's
neighboring city's. One day, the committee got a call from
a nearby mill. The man was frantic.
"Please, you've got to send help!
The hills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
------------------------------------------------
In shark infested waters, a wise fish never travels without a porpose.
In high school we had an interesting teacher we called tortise, cause he taught us.
------------------------------------------------
"We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of chess-players,
and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan for chess."
-- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice (of RFSFR, later of
USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress of Chess Players, as quoted p. 575 of
Boris Souvarine' s "Stalin," published London, 1939
------------------------------------------------
If Izod bought Fruit-of-the-Loom, would they make Crocodile Undees?
------------------------------------------------
I was quite surprised by a recently acquired tape, "Don't Ask" by Frank Hayes.
The first verse of the title song goes something like this:
The orders come down and they march us away.
There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
But it's better than working for Xerox.
------------------------------------------------
`The Observer' [English national Sunday paper] reports on `the nightmare
of a woman robbed of 8,750 pounds'.
------------------------------------------------
Guns don't kill people.
Driving 40 in the fast lane kills people.
Don't shoot me, I'll move over.
Honk if you are Reloading
Honk if you're reloading
Cover me, I'm about to change lanes.
Newest sign seen along side the road on the Xpressway:
Next Exit:
Gas, Food, and Ammo
------------------------------------------------
One of the speakers claims his mother told him to marry a girl from
San Pete, Utah, then no matter how bad things got, you would know she had had it worst.
Another speaker, the father of six kids, was asked why didn't he stop
at one or two. The reply was "My wife and I don't think all the children
in the world should be raised by beginers."
------------------------------------------------
"The galaxy-spanning luminous arcs reported by M. Mitchell
Waldrop in Research News on 6 February have a very simple
explanation. They are part of the scaffolding that was not
removed when the contractor went bankrupt owing to cost
overruns."
"Arthur C. Clarke, Sri Lanka"
------------------------------------------------
Needless to say, I don't have two brain cells to rub together on this subject,
but maybe someone else does, and I love the sound of brain cells rubbing together...
------------------------------------------------
"Great ideas are better than good ones because they both take about the
same amount of time to develop and the great ideas aren't obsolete when you're done."
------------------------------------------------
SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of "The Monster Mash")
------------
I was working in the lab, late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Some smoke from our VAX began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise...
[chorus]
(There was a crash) There was a system crash
(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash
(A system crash) It came down in a flash
(There was a crash) A fatal system crash
The lab manager then appeared from his room,
Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,
But we had one like this just the other day
Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA"
[chorus]
The system had just been booted, diagnostics had all run through,
When a power fluck made it all run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too
So we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one night
When a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,
I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do
When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...
[chorus]
------------------------------------------------
"Studies show 80 percent of all Americans know about home computers. That's
higher than the percentage of Americans who know about sex."
------------------------------------------------
The following paragraph appeared in the Course Notes for [MIT course]
6.170 (Undergraduate Software Engineering course -- taken
usually as a sophomore) under the section heading "Defensive
Programming":
The word "bug" is in many ways misleading. Bugs do not
crawl unbidden into our programs. We put them there.
DON'T THINK OF YOUR PROGRAM AS "HAVING BUGS;" THINK OF
YOURSELF AS HAVING MADE A MISTAKE. Bugs do not breed in
programs. If there are many bugs in a program, it is
because the programmer has made many mistakes. You
should never be proud when you track down a bug in your
own program. It's like finding a cockroach in your
kitchen. You should be embarrassed and upset that it was
there in the first place.
------------------------------------------------
Offensive to no one west of Rt 128.
Seen while driving through Silicon Valley this past Sunday. Note that this
was on the back of a disreputable van driven by a bearded individual who
was probably wearing sandals.
"DEC measures benchmarks with a calender."
------------------------------------------------
According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in smiling),
Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and most importantly,
to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly that they can not
only meet but surpass the national average....except for Tubby Ackerman.
But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around parking lots with
a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox decided to give
him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have a sheepish grin.
this is where the expression, "Service with a slightly sheepish grin," comes from.
------------------------------------------------
This recipe actually came from a recipe book:
Elephant Stew
Ingredients:
1 Elephant Salt and Pepper to taste
2 Rabbits (optional) 40 gal. Brown Gravy
Directions:
Cut elephant into bite size pieces. Cover with brown gravy. Cook over low
heat about 4 weeks. This will serve 4,200 people. If more are expected
the 2 rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as most people
do not like to find hare in their stew.
ACHE (Atlanta Center for Humorous Expression)
----------------------------------------------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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