Article 169720 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 2.9
Message-ID: [cate3D4CyL6.Kr5@netcom.com]
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Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 16:17:30 GMT
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Sender: cate3@netcom10.netcom.com
Date: 31 Aug 87 10:16:03 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 2.9
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The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted
together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade
through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul-
tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge
triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by
Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the
Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the
victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-
ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir-
gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be-
fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac-
beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on
their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with-
out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec-
tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup-
posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu-
tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned
heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came
down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with
bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him
any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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Q: What do you call a sadistic Dentist who rides a motorcycle and wears
a black leather jacket?
A: The Leader of the Plaque
Q: Why didn't they tell jokes in Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long.
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LIVE NOW THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME TO BE DEAD LATER
ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL,
BUT SOME MUST BE SENT TO SIBERIA.
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Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
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My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is
the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?" My husband quickly
answered, "Election day."
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After spending an evening of rather intense drinking at the
local pub, a man ventured out into the cold rainy night to go home.
No sooner than he had left the pub, he sipped off the road and got
lost in torents of rain. He soon found himself in a graveyard and as
luck would have it, he fell head-long into a freshly dug grave.
In his condition, the rain and mud proved too much and he could not
free himself from the grave. So, he started to yell,"HELP, I'M COLD...
HELP! I'M COLD".
Soon an other over indulged inebrient left the pub for his own
home. As the second man started off he heard a distant "help, i'm cold"
and began to follow it. Soon, it got louder,"Help! I'm Cold, Help! I'm Cold"
And as he neared the cemetary the voice got ever louder,"HELP!, I'm Cold."
Just as the second man nears the grave and peers over the side the First
looks up and yells, "HELP!! I'M COLD!"
The second man replies, "Of course your cold, you've kicked all
your dirt off."
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What's the difference between a chair and a toothbrush?
You can't brush your teeth with a chair.
What's the difference between a fish and a bicycle?
They can both swim, except for the bicycle.
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What would you call Santa's son if he became an elf?
A subordinate Claus.
What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A dependent Claus.
Santa noticed that the elves weren't working as hard this year as last so
he told them that the elf who made the most toys could have his beautiful
daughter for one night. What did the elves call his daughter after that?An
incentive Claus.
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I can't believe you are the result of millions of years of evolution.
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Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After
a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes
out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage
to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines.
But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near
the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man
walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:
"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"
The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down
again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:
"You're in a balloon!"
The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment,
one balloonist says to the other:
"That man must be a manager."
"Why?"
"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer.
Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer
was perfectly useless!"
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SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER;
CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING
ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER)
ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.
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A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the guys
gets out and goes into the office.
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
"You must mean two-by-four's" says the clerk.
The guy gets a kind of a blank stare and scratches his head. "Wait a minute,"
he says, "I'll go check."
He goes out to the truck. The window gets rolled down, and there's an animated
conversation. Finally the guy comes back in.
"Yeah," he says, "I meant two-by-fours."
"OK," says the clerk, "how long you want 'em?"
The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh . . . I guess I better go check," he says.
He goes out to the truck, again. There's another animated conversation.
The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a house".
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A high school teacher was giving a true/false test. He was strolling up
and down the aisles surveying the students at work. He came upon one student
who was flipping a coin, then writing.
Teacher: What are you doing?
Student: Getting the answers to the test.
The teacher shook his head and walked on. A little while later, when everyone
was finished with the test, the teacher noticed the student was again flipping the coin.
Teacher: Now what are you doing?
Student: I'm checking the answers.
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In the days of the knights, a midget told his king that he, too, wanted
to be a knight. Too small, said the king. But the determined midget went
about the kingdom, catching highwaymen and rescuing maidens, until the news
got back to the king. "All right," said the king. "I dub thee knight."
Special miniature armor was hammered out for him. A galley knife was honed
into a sword. But no horse little enough was found. So the king substituted
a large shaggy dog. And the midget went forth again to do good. A terrible
rainstorm came up. The midget rode to a nearby inn. But the innkeeper said
there was no more room. The midget pointed out how little space he'd take
up. The innkeeper looked him over, and his mount, too, both soaked to the
skin, and finally said, "Come on in. We'll find a spot for you. I couldn't
send a knight out on a dog like this."
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Groucho Marx:
I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me.
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"You can neither win nor lose if you don't run the race" --Bowie.
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Boosted form Reader's digest years ago -
A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After stopping in a
local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling
with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually
agreeable price far below that which was posted. My friend then took out
his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper
exclaimed "Ay, now therrres a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"
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From the San Jose Mercury News, Sunday 14 July 1985, page 23A, referring
to arson investigations:
On highly publicized cases, it's not unusual for tips to arrive from all
over the country. "People call in and tell us about one individual they
don't like. They say, 'He's the type who could have done it.' A couple
hundred of those and you're chasing people all over the country," Bressler said.
In one case, he was flooded with calls from "people back in the Midwest
who knew people in California who were really weird."
It wasn't the kind of tip that led anywhere, he said. "Almost all of California's
really weird compared to the Midwest."
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Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
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A man doesn't become a failure until he is satisfied with being one.
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The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
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Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep
is not necessary to human life.
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Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
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There would be a lot more work done if we weren't living in such a clock-eyed world.
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One of the most common mistakes is to believe that others know more about
the problem than you do.
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Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
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The Fred Society has a little triangle out with "Fred in Car".
What's the Fred Society?
It's a membership of people named Fred and their friends who promote the
positive image of people named Fred. Serious - it really exists!
The Fred Society
P.O. Box 5115
Garden Grove, Ca 92645
(714) 540-2458
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Saw this a while back:
IF YOU'RE RICH, I'M SINGLE
(after taking a look at the driver, I gave all my money to charity....)
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A deaf guy steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when
a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Joe". Being
deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Joe runs up thinking
the deaf guy is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground,
kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Joe has hit the
ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the deaf guy gets up brushes
himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. The deaf guy then
hits a bueatiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Joe
in the back of the head, and knocking him unconcious. The deaf guy then walks
down the fairway rolls big Joe over and goes (This is the visual part please
hold four fingers in front of your face).
-----------------------------------------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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