Article 168619 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 2.7
Message-ID: [cate3D40p5q.J21@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 01:22:38 GMT
Lines: 546
Sender: cate3@netcom8.netcom.com
Date: 31 Aug 87 10:15:30 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 2.7
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"A fool and his money are soon ... Republican."
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From the book "I Think Therefore I Laugh" by John Allen Paulos:
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Martha: What did you get for the density of the block, George?
George: Well, it weighed about 17 pounds, and had a volume of about 29 cubic
feet, so I guess the density is .58620689551 pounds per cubic foot. This
calculator is really swell!
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A man, who not being certain of an item he reads in the newspaper, buys 100
copies of the paper to reassure himself of its truth.
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New release: Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the
waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion.
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A statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high probability
that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds that the probability
of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now whenever he
flies, he always carries one bomb with him.
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During the last great war, the captain of a battleship was proceeding, slowly,
(with/on his vessel), through the fog. Up ahead they spot company on a collision course.
Via radio, on the emergency channel, they contact the intruder.
"Veer to the LEFT" shouts the captain.
"No, you veer to the RIGHT" comes back the reply.
"I'm a captain and I order you to veer to the LEFT"
" I'm a seaman first class and I say veer to the RIGHT" came back the reply
"Sailor, you don't understand, I'm captain of this battleship, with a hell
of a lot of firepower and if you don't veer to the LEFT we'll open fire"
"Sir, I'm in charge of this lighthouse here . . . . . . .
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Fred walks into a psychiatrists office one day and says to the psychiatrist,
"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange, sometimes
I feel like a teepee."
The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.
So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam."
To which the doctor says "I wouldn't worry about it, Ferd, you're just two tents."
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Bumper snicker: Save Our Trees. Stop Printing Tax Forms !
**********
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts
of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
**********
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck
stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days the
phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned
upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour !!
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BOSS to EMPLOYEE: "Great news, Haskel ! The computer says you can handle
twenty percent more work !!
**********
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as
the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. At one point
she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand,
five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !" Suprisingly,
the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even
chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line
that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE
CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE
APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.
**********
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted
to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of
her life ? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before
the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition
is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'".
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How many letters are there in the alphabet?
-Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.
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Feathers are light.
The sun gives off light.
Therefore, the sun gives off feathers.
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Irish Moose and Cement Mixer
During the Arab - Israeli war, the Israeli army ran out of beer. They
dutifully ordered a new stock which arrived by land via Egypt. Anxious
to check whether their beer had been poisoned, they sent a sample to the
lab for analysis. Ten days later came the reply - "Congratulations,
your camel is pregnant".
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What do you call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate clauses......
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"I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set,
I go into the other room and read a book."
--Groucho Marx
1890-1977
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Here's a little item some of you may appreciate: My daughter wrote an original
short story for English class. It was about a boy who tries out a new program
on his school's Apple computer. The program does nothing but display a high
resolution picture of a boy's face on the screen. Eventually the kid gets
hypnotized by the screen image and sound effects, gets sucked up into the
disk drive, and becomes the new face on the screen. Soon, another boy walks
up to the Apple...
The teacher loved the story, but marked off for every occurrence of the word
'disk', which she claimed should be spelled 'disc': my daughter was furious,
but the teacher is retiring this month and you can't teach an old English
teacher new words...
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Here's a collection of Scientific and Futuristic graffiti:
Microwaves frizz your heir.
Got Mole problems? Call Avagadro: 6.02 x 1023.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Bumper sticker: I'd rather be teleporting.
Biology grows on you.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
Your test tube wears combat boots!
James Watt is so dense, he absorbs neutrinos.
Ecology is the study of who eats whom.
For a real sweet time, call C6 H12 O6.
Quasars shift red
Hot stars burn blue
Space is warped
And so are you.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything
from happening all at once.
Meteorologists have warm fronts.
There's no future in time travel.
Warning: Due to the robot shortage, some of our bartenders
are human and will react unpredictably when insulted.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
Invest in physics, own a piece of Dirac.
Health is simply the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The reason computer chips are so small
is that computers don't eat much.
T-shirt in the 21st century: "Disco STILL sucks!"
Wernher van Braun settled for a V-2
when he coulda had a V-8.
On the wall of the women's restroom in the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before."
186,000 mps: It isn't only a good idea; it's the law!
Radioactive cats half 18 half-lives.
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10 Feb 83 WSJ reports the development of the "biobrick". Biobricks are being made
in Beltsville, Md., and are 30% sewage sludge from the regional
sewage-treatment plant. The principal problem seems to be overcoming a lot of
bad jokes...
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Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first
night of one of his plays. Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect:
"Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one." Shaw
promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend
if you have one."
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Definition: A manager is a person who thinks that nine women can produce
a child in one month.
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A man was praying to God one evening, and asked God, "God, in terms of the
vastness of your power and knowledge, what does a million dollars mean to
you?" God replied, "A penny." Then the man asked, "And, in terms of the
vastness of your power and knowledge, what does a million years mean to you?"
God replied, "A second." All excited, the man asked, "Well, then, can I
borrow a penny?", to which God replied, "In a second."
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" It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation,
and only one bad one to lose it."
Benjamin Franklin
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A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is
your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"
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Said at an atheist funeral.
Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
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Broadcast blooper of the week
Heard on KABC radio:
"This program was brought to you by the Canadian Government Office of Terrorism...er, Tourism"
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On a bright spring morning, four high-school seniors decided to skip all their
morning classes. They arrived at school after lunch and told the teacher a very
long-winded story about the flat tire the car had gotten and all the problems
they'd encountered in getting it fixed.
To their inmense relief, the teacher did not seem too concerned with the story.
She just smiled and said, "I'd like you to make up a test you missed this
morning. Take seats apart from each other and get out your pens."
When the boys were ready, the teacher said, "Each of you answer the following
question: Which tire was flat?
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The first expedition to Alpha Centauri had finally returned. The leader of
the expedition, Captain Feghoot, was making his report to his superior.
"So, Feghoot, did you find any indigenous life?"
"Yes sir. Intelligent life, if fact. And what's more, they were almost
completely identical to humans."
"Almost? What do you mean?"
"Well sir, they have one less joint in their arms."
"I see. So I suppose you could say that..."
"Yes sir. The natives are wristless."
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This reminds me of the student who began his Middle Ages story with:
"He was a dark and stormy knight...."
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"Life is a Test. It is only a test. If this were your actual life you would
be given better instructions."
Stephen R. Donaldson's favorite piece of graffiti, as reported in BEYOND,
a Science Fiction/Fantasy Newsletter, published by Book Communications Systems
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He's a legend in his own mind.
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Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun' -
Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the
Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun."
It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound
chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour ... The armament is used to
help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.
"My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues.
"I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members
of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense
Casper Weinberger was planning one."
Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment
of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow
missles get along with this new weapon..."
Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version
of 'the chicken gun', "which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'."
Baker congratulated the Air Force "on it's resourcefulness."
"Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical
of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl'
play," Baker replied...
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Two cadets at an Arizona Airforce academy were bragging in their off time
about what good hunters they were. Well, it seems that they decided to
have a contest, and whoever won the contest would be accounted the better
hunter. To make the things a little more interesting, they each put up
a pint of the best whiskey they could find.
There had been rumours that a lion had escaped the local zoo and was roaming
around loose in the dessert that surrounded the academy. The contest was
was that whoever bagged the lion and brought it back to base was the winner.
The first cadet borrowed a large hunting rifle and set about hunting down the
lion in the conventional manner. The second cadet, who was perhaps a bit more
inventive than his counterpart, secured a training jet from the local
commander, loaded the wing guns with live ammunition and headed out over
the dessert in search of the lion. It wasn't long before he spotted it,
and, from the safety of the plane, killed it. He took the plane down, loaded
the lion's body into the copilot's seat, and headed back to base, where
he promptly downed both bottles.
Which just goes to show that a strafed lion is the shortest distance between
two pints.
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Robots: Our Steel Collar Workers.
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Yes, and there's the one about the party of golfers who notice a funeral
passing by on a road adjacent to the course. One golfer suggests to the
others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead."
So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.
Finally, one of them remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars--that person
must have been well loved," and the first golfer replies, "Yes--we would
have been married 25 years tomorrow."
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conversation piece...
From 23 Sep 83's "USA Today"...the 10 top ZIP codes by median household income...
(1) Los Angeles, California 90077 $81,926
(2) Kenilworth, Illinois 60043 $79,626
(3) Westbury, New York 11568 $75,962
(4) Gladwyne, Pennsylvania 19035 $74,034
(5) Glencoe, Illinois 60022 $72,219
(6) Birmingham, Michigan 48025 $68,143
(7) Greenvale, New York 11548 $67,161
(8) Beverly Hills, California 90210 $66,583
(9) Short Hills, New Jersey 07078 $64,586
(10) Great Neck, New York 11024 $64,300
Other California entries...
(15) Pasadena, California 91108 $59,556
(21) Ross, California 94957 $57,837
(35) Van Nuys, California 91436 $54,620
(36) Palos Verdes, California 90274 $53,947
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Feghoot was investigating a newly-discovered planet out Antares way, whose
sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite.
At first, he mistook it for an immense statue left by some vanished race
of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward
sign of life. It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a
mouth, but it never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly
functional brain, the size of a four-story condominium, but the organ lies
dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives.
This puzzled the hell out of Feghoot, who tried everything he can think of
to get some sign of life from the behemoth - in vain. It just sat there,
motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day, frustrated beyond endurance,
Feghoot screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature
that doesn't use them?"
It happens that this was the first direct question asked in the thing's presence.
It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds,
thought for a second, boomed "IT COULDN'T", and squatted down again.
"Migod", exclaimed Feghoot, "Of course! IT ONLY STANDS TO REASON."
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It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy
said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl
was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face
that would stop a clock."
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From "Machine Design" Magazine.
.....Byte Bat
All too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system
error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal
with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where
the Byte Bat comes in.
It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless
but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers. Specially designed
to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers
and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware.
Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat
User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning
decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware
is protected by Byte Bat."
Computer users who cannot find a Byte Bat locally can order one for $12.50
postpaid by calling 800-277-3900(800-632-2122 in California)
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So, there was this farmer who had a pond in back of his house but no ducks
in the pond. He had always wanted ducks in the pond so one day he goes and
buys a pair of tame ducks. The ducks prospered (i.e. reproduced) and, in
fact, their number doubled evey year. Since the ducks were the non-migrating
variety after about 9 years the farm was overun with ducks. The farmer still
liked the ducks and didn't have the heart to shoot them but the density of
ducks was overwhemling. After thinking it over he deciding he would give
them to the city zoo. So he calls his neighbor down the road, who has a truck,
and says to him "Here's two dollars, if'n you'll would take these here ducks
to the zoo for me". His neighbor, who was kinda dense by the way, scratched
his head and then, after a bit of thought, agreed. So off he drove with the
ducks. After a few hours, the guy has not returned from the city and the
farmer is getting worried that something went wrong. So he gets in this
car and drives into the city only to see his neighbor's truck parked outside
of the local movie theater with the neighbor sitting in the cab. So of course
he asks his neighbor what is going on and he says, "Well I still had a dollar
left after taking them to the zoo, so I though I would take them to the movies
with the remainder".
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According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
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Do you know why the golfer wore two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!
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I have two sons who are at opposite poles on the military issue. Rick thinks
the military exists "only to kill people" and says so at every chance he
gets. Mike thinks the military is the greatest thing since sliced bread,
and plans to make it his career. Needless to say, when they get together, sparks fly.
A recent interchange went something like this:
Rick: "'Military intelligence' is a contradiction in terms."
Mike: "No more than 'civilian worker'."
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A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the
thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in
the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To
which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200
hidden in my shoe!"
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By all rights, the first IBM personal computer fair, held in San Francisco
over the weekend of Aug. 26-28, ought to have been a wildly joyful celebration
honoring Philip D. Estridge, president of IBM's Entry Systems Division. Estridge,
after all, is the man who brought to market the IBM PC, a product that has
shattered all sales records and won over the marketplace as no other computer ever has.
Yet, listen to Don Estridge, as he addressed a session of software designers
and hardware vendors about the PC:
"There's a question that keeps coming up, like
waves on the beach: 'What do I use one for?'"
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--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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