What Does WACO stand for?
We All Cremated Ourselves
When Attacked, CookOut!
We're All Crunchy Omelets.
We're All Coscientious Objectors.
We All Cooked Overly well.
What A Cooked Odor.
Why A Children's Ordeal?
What A Cool Open field!
Why Are Cultists Obnoxious?
Who's A Christian Occaisionally?
We Are Combustable OK
Well Attended Cook-Out
We Ain't Coming Out
We're All Christs Offspring
What are All those Cops doin' Out there?
We Are Completely Outre'
We Are the Church of Ordinance
We Are Christ's Outpost
What the ATF Can't Outrun
We Are Clinical Outpatients
What were David Koresh's last words?
" Damn it, how many times have I told you kids not to play with
matches!"
Koresh's message to the BATF. "Next time knock first."
David Koresh certainly made an ash of himself this time.
What are they gonna call the TV Minseries about David Koresh?
"A Match Made in Heaven"
What kind of pants do Branch Davidian's wear?
Charred-Ash Jeans
What were David KorASH's Last Words?
"No, Bud Light!"
"Just kidding, I'm not really God."
"OW!!!!" [- best guess.
What do David KorASH and Burger King Whopper have in common?
They are both flame broiled.
Why is David KorASH still in the news?
Because of his smouldering personality.
What do David KorASH and Richard Simmons have in common?
They are both flamers.
Why did KorASH like the Brach Davidians?
Because they were such a bright group.
When did the FBI get what they wanted?
When KorASH finally went out.
What do David KorASH and Jesus Christ have in common?
They are both dead.
What is KorASH wearing right now?
His best Sunday soot.
What else?
Charcoal slacks.
What else?
A smoking jacket.
What do you call Asian Branch-Davidians?
Rice Crispies.
Which Simpsons character is most like David Koresh?
Mr. Burns
Why didn't KorASH surrender to the FBI?
He didn't want to be grilled by authorities.
Why else?
He didn't want the FBI to give him get the 10th degree.
How is the Hindenburg like Waco, TX?
Both have flammable compounds in them.
Why did David KorASH have so many wives?
They made excellent matches.
David KorASH Favorites:
SONG:
(Songs the FBI should have played while the Waco Compound burned)
Burnin' down the House
Flashdance
Theme from Chariots of fire
Theme from Firestarter
I'm Burning Up
Great Balls of Fire
Eternal Flame
Hot in the City
You Light Up My Life
Blaze of Glory
Disco Inferno
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
Relight the fire
Hot Fun In The Summertime
Disco Inferno
Hot, Hot, Hot
Smoky Places
Light My Fire
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
Great Balls Of Fire
Anything by the Fireballs, Flaming Ember, Earth Wind & Fire,
Johnny Burnette or Smokey Robinson
'Smoke on the water(?)/waco, fire in the sky'
MOVIES:
Fareignheit 451
Towering Inferno
Last of the Red Hot Lovers
Turk 182
Backdraft
Firestarter
MUSICIANS:
Charo
ATHELETES:
Arther Ashe
HOLIDAYS:
Ash Wednesday
The F.B.I. was looking through the remains of the Koresh's
compound and found his wardobe from the early seventies:
A Blazer and Flared pants.
Q: How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a Honda?
A: It depends on how big your ashtray is!
Standoff ?, It was really more of a Bake off wasn't it?
Q: How many Branch Davidians does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None, they provide their own illumination.
The FBI released the transcript today of David Koresh's
last words, as recorded by surveillance devices:
"No, I meant a BUD light!"
Q: How do you tell the Branch Davidians at a revival meeting?
A: They're the ones smoking in the corner!
Q: Why did David Koresh's last manager like him so much?
A: He was a real self-starter!
If you're a smoker, there's one thing you should NEVER do in
WACO:
ask for a light.
Koresh finally received his word from God.
How, you ask?
Well, Moses had his burning bush, and
Koresh had his burning Branches.
A Texan who called himself saviour
Engaged in suspicious behavior:
The feds kept a lookout
On his final cookout,
And gave him that real smoky flavor!
Did you hear who just stopped smoking?
David Koresh.
What's the saddest thing about the Waco tragedy?
Rosanne Barr and Tom Arnold weren't inside the compound.
Q:How does Koresh like his chicken?
A:Extra crispy.
Q:Did you hear what they were changing the name of WACO to.
A:Corpus Crispy.
Why did David Koresh set his house on fire?
He wanted to keep up with the Joneses.
Did you hear the Pope canonized David Koresh?
He's a Friar!
What do David Koresh and Rodney King have in common?
They're both black!
Did you hear Jeffery Dalhmer is heading down to Waco with a 55
gal. drum of barbecue sauce?
There's a special on baby back ribs in Waco today!
NBC claims the fire was actually started by a GMC truck
You know Koresh was waiting for a message from God.
He got it last monday
God said,"David, Preheat to 1300 F and bake for 25 minutes.
Why did Koresh burn down the complex?
He was keeping up with the Jones'.
What did God say to Koresh when he died?
"Well done."
How do you pick up a Davidian girl?
With a Dust-Buster.
When Gov. Ann Richards was told that it was all over she said,
"Stick a fork in 'em, they're done!".
What do you call a Branch Davidian with a fire extinguisher?
A heretic.
What do you call a Scientologist with a flamethrower?
A copycat.
Q: Why did the compound in Waco burn to the ground?
A: They couldn't put out the fire with their Kool Aid. (tm)
Did you hear that David Koresh was a closeted gay?
He was flaming, but he didn't come out.
Q: Why don't we have more prophets like David Koresh?
A: It's such a high stress job that burnout is almost
inevitable.
The events in Waco could have been foreseen, had anyone in the
FBI
understood that David Koresh was encapsulating Jewish history.
First they re-enacted Passover, then there was the re-enactment
of the
Warsaw ghetto uprising.
The Branch Davidian Church has split into two sects:
Orthodox and Extra-Crispy.
NBC found a sponsor for the David Koresh mini-series:
Weber Barbecues, Inc.
Q: What was the most popular name for Branch Davidian children?
A: Ashley.
Q: How can we avoid future tragedies like the Waco conflagration?
A: Strict OSHA standards requring automatic sprinkler systems for
all cult compounds that accomodate 50 or more fanatics.
Q: What was David Koresh's favorite breakfast cereal?
A: Crispy Critters!
Q: How is Waco like a Snickers bar?
A: Roasted nuts.
After the tragedy at Mt. Carmel on Monday, the Branch Davidians
will be holding a bar-b-que to attract new members.
Q: How did David Koresh find out he was Jesus Christ?
A: God spoke to him through a burning buiding.
What do you get when you cross David Koresh & Jeffrey Dahmer?
Brunch Davidian (barbeque naturally).
Q: Why is Al Gore so upset with the Branch Davidians?
A: Because of their contribution to global warming.
Q: Did you hear that David Koresh lost his job as the second
messiah?
A: He got fired.
Q: Did you hear about the tragedy at Waco?
A: Evidently an NBC News crew was trying to move in for a
close-up...
Q: Did you know that Ranch Apocalypse had an Internet connection?
A: Yes, and Koresh's last news post started: "Feel free to flame
me, but..."
I was just wondering, is it ethical to yell ``Branch Davidian''
in a
crowded movie theatre?
Well, David Koresh is going to go down in the annals of
psychiatric
history. He's the first person ever to have a 1400 acre Messiah
complex.
I can't believe that the FBI, with all its resources, didn't know
what
would happen once they sent the tanks in. After all, even a
first-year
medical student knows that a compound fracture is always followed
by
an inflammation.
From the blackened hills of Apocalypse Ranch . . .
WACO CRISPS (tm)
Tangy Self-Fried Zealots
_Now flavored with spicy pepper gas!_
Waco Crisps (tm) . . . a tempting taste-treat containing a
healthy blend of
gun nuts, battered and smoked kid, and chunks of genuine
imitation Lamb of
God.
Another quality snack the makers of MOVEable Feasties and
Jonestown
Jambalaya.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary
building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C.
They're
probably classified information, and possession of them on your
computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any
instructions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day.
That should
get the point across.
The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing
"Feelings" over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing
the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less
cooperative now.
Any more suggestions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something
by
The Partridge Family.
Still The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Sickos.
STD
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the
reporters
about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young,
baby frogs.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
The Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand
scrutiny.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand
up for
a cult leader who's abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We've had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
How tiny?
Better than Brilliant,
but slighty Worried
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by
burning down
their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill
To: President William Clinton
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Sir:
Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions
To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill
To: Members of the Press
~From: President William Clinton
Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take
full
reponsibility. It wasn't my fault.
The President
----------------------------------------------------------------
----
(Waco, April 21) "Yahweh" Koresh, who had been thought to have
perished in the fiery inferno at the Koresh compound near this
city, has reportedly been seen by several witnesses.
Koresh is reported to have appeared to the mayor of Hillsboro, a
small town near Waco. Mayor Lance of Hillsboro has told reporters
that Koresh appeared at his back door. "He was a bit charred, but
other than that he didn't seem too bad," stated Lance. "He said
that I owed him $20 and that he was 'making collections.'"
The pastry chef at the White House, Jacques LeFue, claims that he
saw Koresh through the back window of the White House kitchen.
"Bill [Clinton] was out back sneaking a smoke away from Hillary,
then I saw this sort of charred person amble up to Bill and offer
him a match," noted LeFue. According to LeFue, a startled Clinton
dropped his cigar and ran back to the White House. "Koresh ground
out the cigar stub with his bare heel and then just disappeared,"
adds LeFue.
When asked to comment on this, a visibly shaken Clinton begged
reporters not to tell Hillary.
Koresh's third sighting occurred at the Federal correctional
facility in Lucasville, Ohio. Imam Ben-wowee, head of the
rebellious inmates at that site, claims that Koresh walked into
his prison cell and spoke to him. "He just walked right through
the damn wall!" declared Ben-wowee. "The whole side of his face
was all charred, but he was smiling like he was real happy!"
What did Koresh say to Mr. Ben-wowee? "At first he was just
mumbling and I couldn't understand him," stated Ben-wowee. "But
then it became more clear... he was saying that he wanted to
finish his book."
When asked to comment, Federal officials declared that "no one
could have lived through that blaze. Obviously someone must be
going around impersonating Koresh." And, they added ominously,
"Just wait until we get our hands on this wiseacre. He won't
think it's so funny then."
Why couldn't the Branch Davidians go out to restaurants?
There was never enough room in the smoking section!
PC Update: (nee Oops Sorry) Lines to avoid for a
BATF agent: "We just want to burn our bridges and put this
behind us"
Former BD: "We just wanted to invite you to a house warming
party"
Groan Dept. Line to avoid for a
RH poster: Anything with blaze or fiddle.
Top Ten List of Shaggy Punch Lines for the taking:
10. Cultie on a Hot Tin Roof
9. (A BATF tank on a raid is like) Mrs. O'Leary's cow in a barn.
8. Torch Singer: I've got a flame in my heart . .
7. Now charged with illegal possession of fried arms.
6. There'll be a hot time in the compound tonight.
5. David Koresh: Yes there are real kids in the kiddie platter.
5a. You, heard me; I'll have the kiddie platter.
4. A Davidian in every pot (ash tray, urn).
3. A cult is just a cult, but the Branch Davidians are smoked.
2. Now we're cooking.
and
1. I don't just want to get tanked, I want to get really toasted!
To which is followed up:
"One more time:
This is you" (pliable marshmallow)
Put on stick. Put over fire. (Allow to burn)
"This you after following a cult."
David Koresh is alive.
He was seen in a 7-11 with Elvis singing
"to all the girls we've loved before"
Morrison was playing accompanyment while
Gene Roddenberry was playing with the new water guns in the toy
isle.
The owner of the 7-11 ? Salman Rushdie of course.
When asked why they were hanging out there, they said
"We're going on a road trip, we're just waiting for
Michael [Jackson]"
YAWEH = Yet Another Wacko Earmarked for Hell
Q: How many ATF agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: just eight if you cooperate ( one to call the newspapers, one
to call the TV crew, 6 to serve a warrent, and it that don't make
you change it they'll bring in the FBI)
Q: Did you hear that Kraft has brought out a new salad dressing?
A: It's called Ranch Dividian, and it won't come out no matter
how hard you shake it.
Q: How did the FBI find out that the Branch Davidians had
dandruff?
A: They found Head and Shoulders all over the compound.
How amny Branch Davidians can they fit in a Yugo,
2 in the front
2 in the back, and
86 in the ash tray.
Did you hear about the new Davidian Branch holy day?
Ash Monday
Remember... Only YOU can prevent Koresh-fires.
New Christmas song: Koreshnuts roasting over an open fire.
What did Crispy Koresh do last night? He finally went out.
What did Janet Reno say to the head BATF agent?
Well Done!
Have you heard that David Koresh will soon be the "poster boy"
for the American Lung Association?
He finally quit smoking.
Branch Davidian slogan:
It's better to burn out than fade away.....
For Sale:
Forty acres of land located near Waco, Texas. Great view of the
surrounding countryside! Land has just been cleared and is ready
to build on. Area has significant religious historical value. For
more information, contact the Waco Chamber of Commerce, the IRS,
the BATF, or the FBI. Price is negotable.
"Branch Davidians!"
"Sorry our tree has been burnt"
Q. What was David Koresh's last supper?
A. Flaming-young.
Well, I've heard that Koresh was referred to as the Lamb of
God... could someone please pass the mint jelly?
Hey, did you hear Jeffrey Dahmer added a new item
to his favorite foods?
Koresh Kabob.....
WACO - The Movie
It's only a matter of time before the David Koresh/WACO movie
comes out.
Hollywood is looking for a title.
Here are a few starters:
David Koresh and the Temple of Doom
Life of David
Ranch Apocalypse Now
The Last of the Davidians
Basic Incendiary
Honey, I Blew Up the Kids-II
Incinerator-II
"Honey I Burned Up the Kids"
Sing a song of weapons, the cops, and FBI,
86 Davidians baked in a pie,
When the pie was opened the cops began to sing,
Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king?
Clinton's in the White House counting out his money,
The lords are in the Capitol eating ham and honey,
Reno's down at Justice hanging out the clothes,
When along comes a Waco to snip off her nose.
Q: What does FBI stand for?
A: Federal Bureau of Incineration.
Q: What was the last activity of the Branch Davidians?
A: An embership drive.
Q: How do you pick up a Branch Davidian woman?
A: With a dustbuster.
'You know you're dead when David Koresh invites you to a temple
warming party!'
Did you hear about the new ice cream from Waco?
It's called Mount Caramel but it has a few problems.
You have to melt it to get the nuts out.
Coming soon in the Classifieds:
FOR SALE: "I lived with David Koresh" T-shirt, slightly burned
Coming Soon To Broadway ...
After A SMASH Hit Run In Urbane Waco, TX ...
F.B.I. Productions Presents ...
By Special Arrangement With The Council for Harboring
Religiously Insane Saviors and Terrorists (CHRIST) ...
A Koresh Line
Featuring the hit songs:
"I need this gun. I really need this gun..."
"One singular sensation, every little Fed he shoots..."
See "A Koresh Line" soon. The critics are raving just as
much as the title character:
"'A Koresh Line' is knocking them dead." - Waco Tribune
"We're doing a booming business." - Waco Gun And Package Store
"I don't think this engagement will ever end." - FBI Spokesperson
"Did WE say thirty minutes to deliver ANYWHERE?" - Domino's
NOTE: The producers reserve the right to cancel the Broadway
premiere for a special command performance of ten to twenty years
in Leavenworth.
(Sorry Show canceled due to fire hazard to theatre.)
At last, the federal publicity blackout has broken. An
off-the-record interview with David Koresh, of a cult being
called the 'Branch Davidians,' currently under siege in Waco, TX
....
Reporter: So, should I call you David, or Jesus Christ?
Koresh: Oh, that. I'm David. Those FBI guys called and asked
who I was just when I was looking out the window. I said
"Jesus Christ, that's a lot of federal agents."
Reporter: So the Feds are confused?
Koresh: Yeah. They even messed up the name of the group. We
just want to get to Daytona for Spring Break, maybe hit Fort
Lauderdale.
Reporter: You mean you're...
Koresh: That's right. We're Branch Floridians.
Reporter: You mean you're not religious at all?
Koresh: We'll we might stop at a few clinics, tell some women
how to live their lives, maybe shoot a few doctors, but
that's just on the side.
Reporter: So, what are you doing when this is all straightened
up?
Koresh: I'm going to Disneyworld!
Florida, Where Gridlock Can Be Fatal!
Branch Davidian Vacation:
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED AS THE GRAND PRICE WINNER IN OUR
"FANTASY VACATIONS SWEEPSTAKES!!!"
That's right - you and your spouse or friend will spend 7
GLORIOUS DAYS AND
NIGHTS at the exciting
BRANCH DAVIDIAN
SECT COMPOUND
In Beautiful Waco, Texas
BUT WAIT - That's not all; during your stay you and your
spouse will:
Get to meet "JESUS" turned "prophet":
David Vernon Karresh Howell
Fire HI-TECH automatic and semiautomatic WEAPONS!
Play Hide and Seek with the FBI, ATF, and other law
enforcement agencies!
Your mate can enter the contest to see who will be the
All-Mighty Leader's
"Lady for the Night"
Her dreams cold come true, and just think how proud
you'll feel knowing this Great Leader shares your same taste in
women.
Not to feel left out, you can enter the
"I am a TOWER GUARD" event
You will compete in a GO-CART RACE in the compound with other
members of the SECT to see who gets to stand watch in the tower
that night!
CONGRATULATIONS ONCE AGAIN!!!
(AND YOU THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER WIN BIG IN A SWEEPSTAKES!!)
Special Bonus: If the "messiah really likes you, your vacation
could be extended - indefinitely with no extra cost to you.
That's RIGHT!!
You may be one of the lucky ones chosen to become a cult member
and go out with a BANG, so pack plenty and ENJOY!!
Special Notice: Children may accompany you but not without
parental consent so that they may be used as "negotiating bait"
with federal authorities - there is no guarantee of how long
their visit will last."
Cult Stand-off
Redwood City, CA (API) -- A tense stand-off entered its third
week today as authorities reported no progress in negotiations
with charismatic cult leader Steve Jobs. Negotiators are
uncertain of the situation inside the compound, but some reports
suggest that half of the hundreds of followers inside have been
terminated. Others claim to be staying of their own free will,
but Jobs' persuasive manner makes this hard to confirm.
In conversations with authorities, Jobs has given conflicting
information on how heavily prepared the group is for war with the
industry. At times, he has claimed to "have hardware which will
blow anything else away", while more recently he claims they have
stopped manufacturing their own.
Agents from the ATF (Apple-Taligent Forces) believe that the
group is equipped with serious hardware, including 486-caliber
pieces andpossibly Canon equipment. The siege has attracted a
variety of spectators, from the curious to other cultists. Some
have offered to intercede in negotiations, including a young man
who will identify himself only as "Bill" and claims to be the
"MS-iah".
Former members of the cult, some only recently deprogrammed,
speak hesitantly of their former lives, including being forced to
work 20-hour days, and subsisting on Jolt and Twinkies. There
were frequent lectures in which they were indoctrinated into a
theory of "interpersonal computing" which rejects traditional
roles.
Late-night vigils on Chesapeake Drive are taking their toll
on federal marshals. Loud rock and roll, mostly Talking Heads,
blares throughout the night. Some fear that Jobs will fulfill
his own apocalyptic prophecies, a worry reinforced when the
loudspeakers carry Jobs' own speeches -- typically beginning with
a chilling "I want to welcome you to the 'Next World' ".
---
David Dosch AOS-340
ddosch@faatcrl.faa.gov FAA Technical Center
(609) 485-6245 Atlantic City, NJ 08405
,,,
(o o)
----------------------------oOO--(_)--OOo----------------------------
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
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