Taglines

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
"C++" should have been called "D"
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
"I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.."
"If the shoe fits, buy it."  Imelda Marcos
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"Keyboard?  How quaint!" - Scotty
"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates
"Please return stewardess to original upright position"
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-
"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with velcro.
#include SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h
$$$ not found --  (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)*ckup completely?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(C)1992 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.
(D)inner not ready:  (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
(c) Copywight 1992 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.
And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail...
.ASM programmers drive stick shifts.
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can
1 + 1 = ?  Ask my calculator.
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
11 was a race-horse, 22 was 12. When 1111 race, 22112.
1200 bps used to seem so fast
186,000/mps.  It's not just a good idea.  It's the law.
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts
2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).
2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficiently large values of 2)
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr...
5 schizophrenics agree!
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
69 is fine...but 77'll get me 8 more...
9 out of 10 dentists recommend oral sex....
A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.
A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.
A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
A bird in the hand can be messy.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
A can of worms full of Pandora's boxes.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A closed mind gathers no intelligence
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
A drawing pin is an excited Smartie
A few cans short of a six pack, Six short.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A fool and his money are soon partying!
A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A friend in need is a pain in the neck.
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
A harp is a nude piano.
A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah.
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A man, a plan, a canal.  Suez!
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot..
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.
A penny saved is ridiculous!
A perversion of nature....how exciting!
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A stage? No, this is not a stage.
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
Abandon all hope ye who have entered cyberspace.
Alex Haley was adopted!
All E-mail gladly received. Offensive reply ASAP.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power
All generalizations are bad.
All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.
All hope abandon, ye who press ENTER here
All in all just another brick in the wall.
All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson
All stressed out, and no one to choke...
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the easy problems have been solved.
All things are green unless they are not.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.
Alone: In bad company.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
Amateur Time Lord
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.
An Elephant;  A Mouse built to government specifications.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Anarchy means ignoring things that really piss you off!
And God said: E = +mv} - Ze}/r ...and there *WAS* light!
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
And how can this be?  For he IS the Kumquat Haagen
And it's only ones and zeros.
And now for something completely else...
And now for something completely the same...
And now for something ruder...
And the days dwindle down to a precious few...
And then it goes... BOOOOOMMMM!!!
And there he was, reigning supreme at number two.
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
And, the driver compresses EVERYTHING, not just EXE & COM
Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.
Another case of Cherry Coke down the programming hatch!
Another fine product from Bastards Inc.
Answers: $1 * Correct answers: $5 * Dumb looks: Free! *
Antidisestablishmentarianism!
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs ther\C
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
Atheist = Deity Disadvantaged.
Bald: follicularly challenged.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!
Bliss *IS* ignorance
Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bonking with Barbie..
Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Born Again Virgin.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Brain dysfunction detected....
Brain over - Insert coin
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Breast size multiplied by IQ always equals 69
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Britannia waives the rules.
Bug off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Bugger me with a fish fork..
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Bugs, like coathangers, breed if unobserved.
Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers
Bullets speak louder than reason.
Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
Bumper sticker on a hearse:  I'd rather be breathing
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
Bush wears a hat so he knows which end to wipe!
But my little voice TOLD me to do it!
But soft, what light through yonder tagline breaks?
But then again, I like cold toilet seats.
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.
C programmer run C programmer crash C programmer quit
CCITT: Can't Certify I Trust Telecom.
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.
CEO of Dementia and Other Meaningless Entities.
CHIP:  One California hi-way patrolman.
CODING:  AN addictive Drug.
COMMAND:  A suggestion made to a computer.
CRASH:  Normal termination.
CRIME CONTROL: Fire a warning shot into his HEART!
CYCLIC REDUNDANCY CHECK: Stocktaking at a Bike shop
California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected
Call The Bates Motel BBS: 1-800-BIG-NIFE
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you find the mispelled word in hear?
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Can you say "Pervert", I thought you could.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
Card-carrying member of the cultural elite.
Castration takes balls.
Catholic girls, they never confess.
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
Caution:  Contents under pressure
Caution:  Hungry Dieter   May bite if provoked
Caveat emptor, no deposit no return, do not remove.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Chernobyl used MACs
Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Choosy perverts choose GIF.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Christians do it with grace
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
Civilization - biggest syntax error in history!
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
Clean mind, clean body:  take your pick.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Climate is what you expect.  Weather is what you get.
Clinton is one Bill, George Bush can't veto...
Clones are people two.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Aspirin.
Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come back ya pansie! I'll bite yer legs off!
Coming Soon!!  Mouse Support for Edlin!!
Coming soon: Netware for the Nintendo!
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
Common sense isn't...
Communism is like a mouth on a lollipop
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
Computational Physicist and all around nice guy.
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
Computers All Wait at the Same Speed!
Computers Rule 01001111 01001011
Computers are useless; they can only give answers.
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
Condense soup, not books!
Condom - external storage
Condominiums are not effective birth control.
Conformity obstructs progress.
Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
Confucius say: Man who meows ate pussy!
Confucius say: Man with no legs bums around.
Confucius say too much.
Confucius say: I didn't say that!
Confuse People:  Quote from the wrong message!
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Consolations, Consultations, Conflagrations.
Conspiracy: the opiate of the asses
Converse with any plankton lately?
Copyright the Intergalactic Thought Association
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Couldn't myself have better it said.
Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
Cover your stump before you hump.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it.
Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister!
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
DANGER! Computer store ahead, hide wallet!
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law.
DEVICE=EXXON.SYS may mess up your environment
DILATE: To live longer.
DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young.
DIVORCE =system("echo y| erase \wife\*.*" );
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality
DO {nothing} WHILE (HearFromMe==0)
DOS 5.0  Yesterday's operating system, today!
DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.
DOS-O-MANIA : Reboot is not kicking your computer again
DOS-O-MANIA : Root is not the book Alex Haley wrote.
DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
Dain Bramaged.
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Database administrators do it with their relations
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Dawson's First Law: You don't have enough outlets.
Deaf, dumb, and blonde.
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do.
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
Delivered by Electronic Sled-Dogs.....Woof!
Democracy's GREAT! Even George Bush can chunder!
Democrats Call for Amnesty, Reduced Sentences Likely.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Dictator - a potato with a penis.
Did I just step on someone's toes again?
Did Tarzan love Cheetah or Jane? - Pictures at 11.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
Dime:  a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Dirty tags and they're done dirt cheap.
Disclaimer: All opinions are not really opinions.
Disclaimer: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal.
Disks travel in packs.
Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball!
Do fish get thirsty?
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Do not fumble with a woman's logic.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do not remove this tagline under penalty of the law.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do the joke. Get the laugh. Move on.
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor Who for president
Doctor, my brain hurts!
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does the Enterprise use DOS v 2356.0?
Dogs crawl under Gates, software under Windows.
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
Don't ask me, I have intermittent memory loss
Don't ask me, I only work here.
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!
Don't be a fool; Vulcanize your tool.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe in miracles, expect them.
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Don't byte off more than you can multiplex.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.
Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.
Don't do what I SAY, do what I mean!
Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.
Don't drink water. Fish make love in it.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!!
Don't just stand there, scratch my back!
Don't just stand there...KNEEL!!
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't mess with Murphy.
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Don't press the keys so damned hard!
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't rush me.  I get paid by the hour.
Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
Don't start with me.  You know how I get.
Don't steal - the government hates competition..
Don't stop posting, a good laugh breaks up my day nicely
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...
Don't try to saw sawdust.
Don't use no double negatives.
Don't waste water.  Pee on a friend.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.
Down with categorical imperative!
Down with ignurance!
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
Dropped from my peeling lips like lousy fruit.
Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
EMS: Enhanced Money Scam
ERROR 103: Dead mouse in hard drive.
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
Easter is canceled this year.  They've found the body.
Eat Crap!  10 Trillion flies can't be wrong.
Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Ego Gratification through Violence
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Elevators smell different to midgets
Email me the rules, please!
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
Enjoy me, I may never pass this way again.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Enter that again, just a little slower.
Eschew obfuscation.
Evangelists do more than lay people.
Every purchase has its price.
Every why hath a wherefore.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything in our favor was against us.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Excuse me while I dance a little jig of despair
Excuse me while I sharpen my tongue.
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
Exploding piglets!!!  My god, it's raining bacon!
F.A.R.T....Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
FLOPPY DISK: Serious curvature of the spine.
FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle.  Never fired.  Dropped once.
Fact is solidified opinion
Fad: In one era and out the other.
Fahrvergnkie: (n) Sex in a Volkswagen.
Familiarity breeds attempt
Familiarity breeds children.
Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle it.
Famous last words - Icarus: Aaaahhhhhhhhh.
Famous last words - Jesus Christ: Father, beam me up.
Famous last words - Lion at the Circus of Rome: Burp..
Famous last words - You and what army?
Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!
Fat Wars: May the Sauce Be With You.
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
Fatal Error Using Mouse. Replace and Bury Operator.
Features should be discovered, not documented.
Felines... nothing more than felines...
Fer sell cheep:  IBM spel chekker.  Wurks grate.
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition
First thing you do is shoot all the lawyers
Fish and visitors stink in three days.
Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue.
Flaming nuclear death to Smurfs
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
Floppy not responding. Format hard drive instead? (Y/N)
Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do
Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold
For Sale: Slightly used message. Enquire within.
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
For sale, Toilet-seat cover.  Barely used.
For the finest in brain candy.
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
Forget the computer!  Where's my abacus??
Fortune vomits on my eiderdown yet again.
Four minus two is one and the same.
Free Nelson Mandela, while stocks last!
Free advice is worth what you pay for it
Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.
Friendly fire - ISN'T !
Friends are Friends, regardless of their baud rate!
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
]From my brain, an organ with a mind of it's own.
]From the Department of Redundancy Dept.
Funny, only sensible people agree with me.
GET A HAIRCUT!
GODISNOWHERE
GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.
General Failure reading John Dvorak
Genitalia is not an Italian airline.
George Orwell was an optimist.
Get a powerful right arm: subscribe to Playboy.
Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
Gimme back my face! You're getting it ugly.
Give a woman an inch  and she'll park a car in it.
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go Lemmings, Go!!!
God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
God does not play dice.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
God invented women because sheep can't cook.
God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved.
God is love...  Love is blind...  Ray Charles is God!
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good girls go to heaven...but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!
Goodness has NOTHING to do with it.....
Gotta love me!
Gravity brings me down
Gravity doesn't exist.  The Earth sux.
Great minds travel in the same sewers.
Greed is good!  Greed is right!  Greed works!
Grow your own dope...   plant a man
Growing older is mandatory... growing up is optional!
Grub first, then ethics.
Gun Control means holding it in both hands.
Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target.
Guns don't kill people... death does.
Guns don't kill people..., I KILL PEOPLE!
Guten TAG.
H lp!  S m b d  st l  ll th  v w ls fr m m  k yb  rd!
HAL 9000, you're pretty drunk aren't you Dave?
HARDWARE: n. The part you kick.
HIC! HLLP I'M STUSCT IN BOOOZZZE WAREHUSE
Hackito ergo sum.
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Hams do it with frequency, till their gigahertz.
Happiness is Earth in your rear view mirror.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm modem
Happiness is not a destination.  It's the trip.
Happiness is...receiving YOUR posts!!!!
Hard work must have killed someone!
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Have Tardis, will travel.
Have an adequate day.
Have cursor, will curse.
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!
Having two bathrooms ruins the capacity to co-operate.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who dies with the most access, wins.
He who dies with the most toys... is *still* DEAD!
He who hesitates is constipated.
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
He who hesitates.........miss'es out !!!
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
He who lives by the sword laughs last.
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.
He's dim, Jed
Heads I win... DITTO tails
Hell Hath No Pizza.
Hell, if you understood everything I said, you'd be me!
Help endangered species - adopt a KGB operative.
Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
Help!  I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap.
Help!  I've been stuck in here for years and years...
Here today, gaunt tomorrow.
Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
Hey!  This is a morgue, not an amusement park!
Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!
Hey!! When in Doubt Whip it Out!!!!
Hey, shit happens!
Hi!  I can't remember your name either.
Hindsight is always 20:20.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hollow chocolate has no calories
Holy Smokes!...."the church is on fire!"
Honest!  It's only a cold sore!
Honey, I'll be down in 10 minutes, I promise this time.
Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Housework done properly, can kill you
Houston! do you read.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do you get holy water?... Boil the hell out of it!
How do you pronounce my name?   With reverence.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
How long will a floating point operation float?
How many consultants will fit onto the head of a pin?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Humpty dumpty was pushed.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse!
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
I PROMISE - I won't upload in your mouth!
I admit it's offbeat, but lets not get hysterical.
I always get my muckin words fuddled
I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
I am a vampire.  Please wash your neck.
I am both of us & so are you.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I am functioning within established parameters.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am serious.  And don't call me Shirley.
I am sweet and lovable at all times.
I apologize to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
I appreciate your not breathing while I smoke
I believe in a god which doesn't need heavy financing
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I came, I saw, I took LOTS of PICTURES!
I came... I saw... I stole your tagline.
I can do without essentials but I must have my luxuries
I can quit anytime I want; I just don't want to!
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I could be arguing in my spare time.
I could prove God statistically.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
I do this kind of stuff to him all through the picture.
I don't need a disclaimer. I OWN the company.
I don't want the world, I just want your half.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
I feel so inar-inar-inar tic-u-late
I find myself beside a stream of empty thought
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
I get mail........ I exist.
I give advice worth the price....free!
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
I guess a cynic smells different.
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
I have a 9600bps modem and 1.5bps fingers
I have a speech impediment... my foot.
I have already not made that point
I have given my pain a name..!!
I have seen the evidence.  I want DIFFERENT evidence!
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I is knot dain bramaged!
I just bought a cured ham.  Wonder what it had?
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY
I know everything about everything, except that.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I like candy, especially the gooey kind with nougat!
I like to leave messages *before* the beep.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to think of myself as a divide overflow.
I like two kinds of women: domestic and foreign.
I like women with big... HEARTS!  YEAH! THAT's it!
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I look better on a woman!
I lost a button hole today.
I lost my knickers at Niagara.
I made it foolproof. They are making better fools!
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I mustanottagottalotta sleep last night.
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
I never met a chocolate I didn't like!
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I parked my hard disk and now I can't find it!
I post.......... I am
I promise results, not promises.
I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.
I snatch kisses. (and vice versa)
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!
I think I strained a muscle I didn't know I had!
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I think the phrase rhymes with Clucking Bell
I think, therefore I am.  I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think................I am paid.
I thought I was mistaken but I was mistaken.
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walk.
I tried switching to gum but couldn't keep it lit.
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
I used to be disgusted, but now I'm just amused.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.
I wake near the end of the day.
I want .50 cal machine guns as a factory option.
I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
I went on a 30-day diet - and lost 30 days!
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.
I would jog, but the ice would fall out of my glass.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd like to, but last time I went I never came back..
I'd love to, but I have to fulfill my potential.
I'd love to, but I have to rotate my crops.
I'd love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore
I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER Luke.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to be less popular.
I'd love to, but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I'd love to, but my crayons all melted together.
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
I'd love to, but none of my socks match.
I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.
I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are.
I'd rather have a 3.5" hard one than a 5.25" floppy one
I'd tell you more more, but you might blush.
I'll eat anything that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
I'll get you my pretty,  and your little dog too!
I'll have what the guy in the casket had.
I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
I'm a Bum...a BEACH Bum!
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an incorrigible punster, so don't corrige me!
I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.
I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol.
I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
I'm just looking at your nametag, honest!
I'm making a career of evil.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
I'm new and what's all this then?
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
I'm not even going to ignore that.
I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.
I'm not on drugs.  I am drugs.
I'm not real smart, but I can lift heavy things.
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
I'm not tense, just terribly A*L*E*R*T!!
I'm on the crest of a slump.
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam
I'm schizophrenic, What are you?
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I'm sure it's clearly explained in the Zmodem DOC's
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
I'm turning you in to the SPCA!
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
I've got Parkinson's disease.  And he's got mine.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I've got morals. I just don't know where they are.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've had a hard drive, think I'll crash.
I've had fun before.  This isn't it.
I've upped my standards, SO UP YOURS!
IBM: I've Been Misled
IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more
IF numcooks ] .maxcooks THEN;SET V broth = 'spoiled';END
INTERLACE: To tie two boots together.
If Einstein Had Been Black It would be E=MC Hammer.
If I can't fix it, it's probably dead.
If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here.
If I shot myself, my ex would sue me for the bullet
If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If The Shoe Fits - The Sock Fits !
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If all the ladies bend over, I would be very happy.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
If at first we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If at first you don't succeed, hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, you've failed failed again
If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose!
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it feels good do it, and if it does good feel it.
If it glows don't touch it!
If it has feelings, its not cooked enough!
If it has tits or tires, there will be problems.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
If it isn't original, it isn't sin.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
If it screams it's not food......yet.  [[Evil Grin]]
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it's not going to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
If it's stupid and works, then it ain't stupid
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
If love is blind, why is Lingerie so popular?
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If this is heaven, why am I bored out of my skull?
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If wishes were horses, dogfood would be a lot cheaper.
If ya can't beat 'em.......RUN!
If you can read this you have a modem.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER?
If you can't debug it, deplug it.
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." B. Gates
If you can't make it good, make it big.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you don't think women are explosive, drop one!
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
If you meet Ken Thompson on the road, kill him.
If you mess with something long enough it'll break.
If you prick me, do I not get turned on?
If you see an onion ring, ANSWER IT!
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want your name spelt wrong, die.
If you're a typical student, consider the fact there is
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush..
If your behind is in front, you turned around!
Ignorance can be cured.  Stupid is forever.
Illiterate?... Write for free help.
Imagery is All In The Mind.
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
Impropriety is the soul of wit.
In God we trust, all others pay cash.
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
In war there is no substitute for victory.
Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Inertia makes the world go round.
Inferiority complex: conviction by a jury of your fears.
Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress.
Innuendo: Italian Suppository.
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
Insert New Disk for Drive C: Press ENTER when ready.
Insert inevitable trivial witticism of your choice.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.
Iraq won the toss... and elected to receive.
Iraq's national bird?, "DUCK"
Iraqi Bingo  B-52..F-16..A-10.. F-18..F-117..B-2
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
Is FIDO a dog?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?
Is it possible to feel gruntled.
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is that a hard drive or are you just happy to see me?
Is this a machine?  I don't talk to machines!  [Click]
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
Is this the right room for an argument?
It ain't easy being easy.
It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.
It depends on which end he tries to light.
It did what?  Well, it's not supposed to do that.
It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is broke.  It will not work.  It does not go.
It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
It works better if you plug it in.
It's Tekonojikly better!
It's a Tough Job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
It's an ill wind that gathers no moss.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It's easy to apply yourself, just use crazy glue!
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's hard to RTFM when you can't find the FM..
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
It's life Jim, but not as we know it.
It's more than a reader.  It's a message base manager!
It's never too late to have a happy childhood
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a
It's only ones and zeros.
It's over when the fat lady sits on your face.
It's smart to pick your friends -- but not your nose.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
It's starting to rain, .SQZ the animals into the .ARC !
It's true, forgiveness IS easier to get than permission
It's worse than that, he's dead Jim.
Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
Ivan Poorovitch, Russia's new premier.
Ivo Andric - Yugoslavia's First Nobel Laureate
JFK: I need this motorcade like a hole in my head!
JOYSTICK:  Peripheral used by consulting adults.
James Bond rules.  00K.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jeez if you love honkus
Jesus Christ is the answer. Now, what was your question
Jesus Saves!  But Gretzky scores on the rebound.
Jesus is coming back, and boy, is he ticked!
Jesus saves, Gretsky steals, he shoots, HE SCORES!
Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!
Junior! Quit playing with your floppy.
Junk - stuff we throw away.  Stuff - junk we keep.
Just because you're STUPID ain't no excuse.
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here
Just how much leg have I got
Just my two rubber ningis worth.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced only need apply.
Karma, Let me guess, The Toyota Factory!
Keep NZ Beautiful....  emigrate.
Keep NZ beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
Keep a clear head and always carry a lightbulb.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
Kill them all!  .... Let God sort them out.
Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
Kleptomania: take something for it
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Know God...No peace.  No God...Know peace.
Know what I hate?  I hate rhetorical questions!
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
LATER..........AS IN MUCH!!
LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
Land of the Single Entendre...
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!
Learn to splel, danmit!
Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it!
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
Liberal - a power worshiper without power.
Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.
Life is Roff when yer Stewpid
Life is a sandwich, and it's always lunchtime
Life is a series of very rude awakenings.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
Life is only as long as you live it.
Life is serious, but ART is fun!
Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life's a witch, then you fly.
Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Likes and dislikes are among my favorites
Liposuction will destroy your FAT
Living poor is best left to those with no money.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love is grand.  Divorce is twenty grand.
Love your neighbor but don't get caught.
M.A.D.D.:  Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
MASTURBATION...the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT.
Macho does not prove Mucho.
Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Make it do ... Or do without.
Make like a Tom and Cruise.
Make like a bottom and split.
Make like a drum and beat it!
Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.
Make like a tree and leave.
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Man has his will.  Woman has her won't!
Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
Marilyn Monroe?  A vacuum with nipples.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Marriage?  Sorry, I can't mate in captivity.
Marry your mistress, create a job vacancy.
Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.
Mary had a little lamb, a little beef, a little ham.
Master Baiter
Mastermind specialist subject - the bleedin' obvious..
Masturbation is coming unscrewed.
Math is the language God used to write the universe.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
May the Porsche be with you.
May you live in interesting times.
May your life be filled with experiences.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Me know gammar.  Me cood use it gud.
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve it's dignity
Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
Memory is a thing we forget with.
Men play the game; women know the score.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence
Microfiche: Sardines.
Migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties
Mind if I rape your daughter
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Modem sex begins with a handshake.
Modem sex, the next best thing to being there.
Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Modems.....reach out and BYTE someone!
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life
Money is the root of all wealth.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Most gays have heterosexual parents.
Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
Mother Nature is a bitch.
Mother is the invention of necessity.
Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
Multitasking causes schizophrenia.
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom
Murphy is out there... waiting...
Murphy was an optimist.
Must Go - My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
My Go  amn keyboar   oesn't have any  's!
My God can beat up YOUR god...
My I.U.D. picks up Radio Windy.
My RAM's not what it used to be, so don't quote me.
My best friend is a social worker.
My computer has a terminal illness
My computer puts out.
My computer's sick, I think my modem's a carrier
My couch potato routine honed to perfection
My fallacies are more logical than your fallacies.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My hat covers my head... Just like hair used to!
My head is sore, and there's a hole in the brick wall!
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
My karma ran over my dogma
My kingdom for a beer; half my beer for a woman.
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring
My lord, I have a cunning plan...
My lucky color just faded.
My message above.  Your response here ____________.
My modem can beat up your modem.
My other car is a broom!
My other computer is a abacus.
My tagline can beat up your tagline!
My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
NO MORE BU__ SH__
NUMBER CRUNCHING:  Jumping on a Computer.
Naaah, real men don't read docs.
Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man.
Neil Armstrong tripped.
Neurotic: Self-taut person.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
Never assume.  It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Never before have so few puked so much on so many.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you
Never eat yellow snow!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Never go with the odds
Never hit a man with glasses.  Use your fist!
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never shove your granny while she's shaving.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
New Highway gets Railroaded.
Newsbytes - Microsoft announce EDLIN for Windows.
Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Nil taurus excretum.  No El Toro Poopoo either!
Ninety per cent of everything is crap.
Nitpicking:  Not just a hobby, it's a way of life!
Nitrate:  Lower than the day rate.
No free lunch in an ecosystem.
No matter what they SAY, size IS important!
No matter where you go, there you are.
No sense being pessimistic.  It wouldn't work anyway.
No wanna work... wanna bang on keyboard!
No, I'm from NZ. I only work in Outer Space.
No?!  Some people still read mail a packet at a time?!
Nodding the head does not row the boat.
None of you exist, my Sysop types all this in.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
Not quite human any longer.
Not tonight honey... I have a modem
Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason
Nothing recedes like success.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Nothing this evil EVER dies!
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Now is not a good time to annoy me
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
Now where did I put that rubber doll?
Nudist Camp sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nuke the baby seals for Jesus
OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
ORG.ASM Not Found.  Wife not happy!
OS/2 - Not just another pretty program loader!
OS/2 - Windows with bullet-proof glass.
OS/2 VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
OUCH! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
Objection, your Honor! My client is an idiot!
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder
Objects in taglines are closer than they appear.
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Oh goody! Another Muranium Explosive Space Modulator!
Oh no you don't!  Your not stealing this one!
Oh no, not another learning experience!
Oh yeah? Well, beam *THIS* up, pal!
Okay - right after this one we're BACK to the TOPIC
Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIE I/O
On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
On the unlabeled disk? HELL they're all unlabeled!
Once I thought I was wrong - but I was mistaken
One atom bomb can really ruin your day.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
One in Kate Bush is worth two in the Hand.
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...
One legged girls are pushovers.
One man's Windows are another man's walls.
One man's meat is another's editor
One man's upload is another man's download
One night I came home very late. It was the next night
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip...
Only God can make random selections.
Only a wimpy God can't get it right the first time!
Only cosmetologists give make-up exams.
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
Open Mouth. Insert Foot. Chew Carefully.
Open mouth. Insert Foot. Echo internationally.
Open your drive door, honey.
Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!
Optimization hinders evolution.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Outlaw junk mail, and save the trees!
Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated.
Oxymoron - Definite possibility
Oxymoron - Military Intelligence
Oxymoron: Bosnian Cease-Fire
Oxymoron: Soviet Union.
PCBackup: 1 of 1362 disks.
PI seconds is a nanocentury. - Tom Duff, Bell Labs
PIMP: a fornicaterer.
PKZip - it's not just for downloads anymore
PMS- Presentation Manager Syndrome.
Pagan Missionary
Pagan and Proud
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Palindrome isn't one.
Pandemonium doesn't reign here... It pours!
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.
Pascal:  What's it Wirth?
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of WAIT!
Peace through superior firepower.
Peanuts: The Drinking Man's Filter.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't!
People will die this year that never died before
Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?
Perot/Bush/Quayle: The Millionaire, Skipper & Gilligan.
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
Photographers do it in dark rooms.
Pi R squared.  Nooo!  Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Pizza IS the four food groups!
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Plagiarism prohibited, derive carefully.
Please don't drink and post.
Please don't filter this twit
Pobody's Nerfect!
Poets go from bad to verse
Point not found. A)bort, R)eread, I)gnore.
Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Political panjandrums prologize pedantic paronomasia.
Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Pornography? We don't even have a pornograph!
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Predicting the future of technology is fraud with peril!
Prepare to meet thy GOD! (Evening dress optional)
Press [CTRL]-[ALT]-[DELETE] to continue.
Press all the keys at once to continue...
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Procrastination:  The art of keeping up with yesterday.
Programmers do it in loops.
Programmers get overlaid!
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Prosecutors will be violated
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Psychologists only do it if they feel good about it
Push any key. Then push the any other key.
Push the limit, and the limit will move away!
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
Put people on hold when possible.
Queen Elizabeth rules, UK?
Question Authority, ask me anything
RAID Antivirus - Kills Virus's DEAD!!!
REALITY.DAT not found. Press any key to reset Universe.
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable To Recover Universe
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
RECOVER.COM: a little slice of hell
RESTORE A: C:\VIRGINITY\*.* /S
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party
Rap music is Oxymoron
Read what I mean, not what I write.
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
Real men don't set for stun.
Real men write self-modifying code.
Reality Is An Illusion Caused By Lack Of Acid
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle buttons
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
Redundancy: A Politician with an airbag in his car.
Refuse Novocain...Transcend Dental Medication!
Regal Lager, It's not just a beer... It's a palindrome!
Religion ... is the opium of the masses.
Remember when safe sex meant not getting caught?
Remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
Reputation:  what others are not thinking about you.
Resistance Is Useless!   (If [ 1 ohm)
Return((usBirdInHand = 2 * InTheBush()));
Reusable Condoms: Just shake the fuck out of them.
Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals.
Richard Nixon means never having to say you're sorry
Roses are red, Violet's are blue, And mine are white.
Roses are red, and violets are too expensive for you.
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens
Round up the usual suspects!
Round, round, get around. I've gotten round!
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls!
Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
SCUD : Sure Could Use Directions
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.
STRING space corrupt?  But I always use TAPE!
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP!  Park elsewhere!
SUSHIDO   the way of the tuna
SYNTAX?  Why not--they tax everything else!
SYSOP's read minds.  But QWKly, very, very QWKly!
Saddam eats his Kurds
Sarcasm: barbed ire.
Save a whale, harpoon a fat person.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save fuel.  Get cremated with a friend.
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes!
Save your money for a rainy day, or a new computer!
Say it with flowers - Give her a triffid.
Say yer prayers, y' flea-bitten' varmint.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Schizophrenia rules.  OK.  OK.
Science asks why.  I ask why not.
Science: preconception meeting verification.
Scientists discover life causes cancer.
Scrute the inscrutable, eff the ineffable.
See how you can be?
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
Send lawyers, guns, & money...
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Serfs up! - Spartacus
Serving the scum of Paris for over 300 years
Set mode=Extremely verbose
Sex is only a pain in the arse if you miss
Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off!
Sex, Sex, Sex... the pleasure of having a 1 track mind.
Sex: the most fun you can have without laughing.
Sexual Harassment starts at the office.
Shareware author dies:  .GIF at eleven!
She is blonde/tall/beautiful, and as a Z80 for a brain
She was another one of his near Mrs.
Shell to DOS... come in DOS... Do you copy?
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark..
Short people are vertically challenged.
Should I or shouldn't I?... Too late, I did!
Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?
Sign here please:_______________________Thanks
Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission"
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
Signito ergo sum - I sign therefore I am.
Sylvester Stallone: father of the RISC concept.
Simon says: don't be so suggestible.
Sit down, you're rocking the boat!
Six of one, 110 (base 2) of another.
Skating away on the thin ice of a new day.
Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.
Slower Traffic Keep Right  -  Is that so difficult?
Slug Sautee: a hors of a different d'oeuvre.
Small changes pick up the reins from nowhere.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue
Smile if you are Jesus
Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
Smurf exterminator.
So dry & yet so wet.
So many bytes, so few cps.
So many damsels, so little time
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many toys, so little time...
So much time, and so little to do.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software.
Software means never having to say you're finished
Some days you're a bug, some days you're a windshield.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant!
Some days, nothing goes left.
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths
Some people are so nice to be nasty to.
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Something is rotten in the state of confusion.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Sometimes they just grow, and grow, and grow...
Sorry about your Rectocranial Inversion.
Sorry, my English is not very good. No punt intended.
Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so.
Space is big.  Really big.
Speaking only for myself, one of my many tricks.
Spell chequers dew knot work write.
Spelling problems? use "error-correcting" modems!
Spice is the variety of life.
Squeeze my Lemon, till the juice runs down my leg...
Stamp out philately!
Stand on the toilet, get high on pot.
Standing there making a sitting target of himself.
Steal my cash, car and TV - but leave the computer!
Stealth condoms: she'll never even see you coming...
Sterility is hereditary.
Strike any user when ready.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Stroking a furry pussy will get you scratched.
Subvert the dominant paradigm!
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius
Supernovae are a Blast
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have! 
Support the helpless victims of computers.
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
Swish, two, three, four!  Swish, two, three, four!
System Crash  (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules
THIS definitely takes, eats and shits the cake.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Tact: knowing how far to go too far.
Tact: making a point without making an enemy.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Talk is cheap because Supply exceeds Demand.
Tampons $1 a dozen! No strings attached!
Taurus Excretum Ad Infinitum....
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Teamwork is essential. It gives them another target.
Techno Pagan.
Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Terminator bumpersticker: I TIME TRAVEL NAKED.
Texas Toilet paper, it don't take s**t off anyone.
Thank you very little.
That ain't so good English!
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That that is is not that that is not.
That was ZEN -- this is TAO
That'll be $67.50  CCCHHHHHIIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!
That's inches away from being millimeter perfect.
The 11th COMMANDMENT - Thou shalt not be a smartass!
The Czech's in the mail. Sending Frenchman by FAX.
The French defense isn't...
The Hubbell works fine; all that stuff IS blurry!
The Lab called,..... Your brain is ready!
The Official Offline Reader of The Lunatic Fringe!
The UARTs won't take this speed, Captain
The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest
The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.
The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at -9.8 m/s}
The best way to keep friends is not to give them away.
The best way to win an argument is to be right.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The cause of problems are solutions!
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cream rises to the top.  So does the scum...
The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.
The dog ate my .REP packet.
The dreadful burden of having nothing to do.
The drunker I sit here, The longer I get.
The first blonde is the cheapest.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with i
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The fish that escaped is the big one.
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
The further I go, the behinder I get.
The game's a little bit wide open again.
The gene pool has no lifeguard.
The hangman let us down.
The hardest thing about time travel is the grammar.
The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
The little engineer that could
The margin is very marginal.
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you
The mind is like a parachute - it works only when open.
The moral majority is neither.
The patient's taken a turn for the nurse.
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
The pendulum has gone full circle.
The polls show 8 out of 5 schizophrenics agree!
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers.
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
The road to success is always under construction.
The score didn't really reflect the outcome.
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall
The simple explanation always follows the complex solution
The sixth sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.
The superfluous is very necessary.
The thrill is gone, the thrill is gone baby
The unnatural, that too is natural.
The vine Jane! No the vine! aaiiieeeee...
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
The whole world is about three drinks behind
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
The world is so big and so global now.
The worst day's fishing is better than the best day's w
Then do the pelvic thrust.
Then somebody spoke, and I went into a dream....
There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither.
There are many things I could say...
There are no atheists in the foxholes.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
There is much Obiwan did not tell you.
There is no God! He just thinks he's there!
There is no dark side of the moon.  Really.
There is no remedy for fun but more fun!
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
There is something to be said about me: "Wow!!"
There will be no last bus tonight.
There's a hot place with pitchforks waiting.
There's no future in time travel
There's one in every car... You'll see.
There's safety in numbers/When you learn to divide.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath
This is abuse.  Arguments are down the hall.
This isn't hell, but I can see it from here.
This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong.
This line intentionally left unjustified.
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
This message was typed on recycled phosphorous.
This mind intentionally left blank.
This phone is baroque; please call Bach later.
This program makes me look like a genius.
This tagline is SHAREWARE!  To Register, send me $10.
This tagline was created from many little letters.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, supervise!
Those who live by the nit, die by the nit
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Tie a yellow ribbon around Jane Fonda's neck..
Tilt your chair back, your breath is effecting my RAM!
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Time flies like an arrow - Fruit flies like a banana
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Tis better to be hunter than hunted.
Tis better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition
To all virgins.  Thanks for nothing
To be or Not is the Result!
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To boldly go and watch Star Trek re-runs.
To do nothing is also a good remedy.
To eat is human, to digest, divine.
To err is human, to eat Jello, is messy.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
To err is human. To moo bovine
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer!
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
To me personally, it's nothing personal to me.
Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday.
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
Todays subliminal message is "        "
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
Too much month at the end of the money.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Took an hour to bury the cat. Silly thing kept moving.
Toto, I don't think we're in DOS anymore...
Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
Trees hit cars only in self-defence.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
Trust me -- I'm a Lawyer.
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
Turn right here. No! NO! The OTHER right!
Turning floppies into hard drives.
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
Two is company, three is an orgy.
Two peanuts went to New York. One was assaulted.
Two seals fell off a cliff.  Arf Arf
Two's company, three's the result.
Typographers rule, OQ
Tyre Shop sign - We Skid You Not.
UART what UEAT!
UFO's are real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Ultimate Question Research Team
Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
Unburdened by the rigors of coherent thought.
Unix and the world Unix with you; VAX and you VAX alone.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
Until people grow up, they have no idea what's cool
Use DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
Useless as windshield wipers on a duck's ass.
Users, losers -- what's the difference?
VD is nothing to clap about.
VLSI:  "Getting High On Low Voltage"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Veni Vidi Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
Veterinarians drive like animals.
Vidi, Vici, Veni:  I saw, I conquered, I came
Virginity can be cured.
Volcano -- a mountain with hiccups.
Vulcans have less fun.
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage.
WAITER! there's soup in my fly!
WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!
WARNING: my messages are offensive to morons!
WOMAN.ZIP... Great program but no documentation.
Women! Can't live with 'em and no resale value.
WOMEN: Weird Obnoxious Male Enticing Nymphs
WWhhaatt   ddooeess   dduupplleexx    mmeeaann??
WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - Kermit
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
Walls impede my progress
Wanna flirt with disaster? Become a SysOp!
Want a LAUGH run a spell check on DSZ docs.
Want a jelly baby?
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
Wanted - Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
Wanted: Volcano.  Average size.  Must be active.
War News: Saddam's army blown away by Thai hookers.
Warning:  Whimsical when bored
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
Was it as good for you, as it was for me?
Was that your wife I saw in that GIF.
Was today really Necessary?
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Water + Malt + Hops + Yeast = Satisfaction
Wave to your neighbor, Word to your mother.
We are not a clone.
We are the people our parents warned us about
We don't care. We don't have to. We're Telecom...
We have here the latest in primitive technology.
We seem to have juxtaposed an impasse here
We take drugs very seriously at my house...
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
We'll give you piece de resistance and a tour de force
We're as similar as two dissimilar things in a pod.
We're lost, but we're making good time.
Weeping, I wake; waking, I weep, I weep.
Welcome to New Zealand, set your watch back 20 years.
Well cover me in egg & flour and bake me for 14 minutes
Well, pluck me naked as a scalded chicken!
What are you doing?!? The message is over,GO AWAY!
What can you do for me?
What care I how time advances: I am drinking ale today.
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What could possibly go wrong.
What do batteries run on?
What do you call a female clown? A Clunt :-)
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full!
What do you feed a Trojan horse? A latex lollipop!
What do you mean that 2 years have passed??
What does this red button do?
What else can you do at 3:00 am?
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Pati O'furniture.
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
When 911 won't work .357 will!
When in doubt, think.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Who glued the cup to the table?
Whoever has the most when he dies... WINS!
Whoops, stepped on a frog.
Whosoever diggeth a pit shall falleth therein.
Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
Why are you wasting time reading taglines?
Why be a man when you can be a success?
Why can't we just spell it orderves?
Why did the Albanion working class revolt?
Why do the Kennedy men cry after sex?  MACE.
Why do you think they call it "find"?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat
Winston Peters, a rebel without a caucus.
Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wit is cultured insolence.
With a mind like yours, who needs a body.
With friends like these, who needs to hallucinate?
With friends like you, who needs enemas.
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Woman was God's second mistake.
Women - can't live with 'em and no resale value...
Women do come with instructions; ask them.
Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
Women, can't live with'um, can't shoot'um.
Work is for people who can't
Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy
World ends today at 9:30 pm!  Film at 11:00...
Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe
Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
Would a virgin be called a notyeterosexual?
Yes my son, long ago mail was read 1 packet at a time.
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
You hit the nail right between the eyes.
You want I should bop you with this here Lollipop?!?
Your feet have balls but not vice versa?
Your friendly neighborhood Atheist.
Zen T-Shirt: Enlightenment Available - Enquire Within
[DISCLAIMER:  my fingers are epileptic]
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]
"Bad knee, gotta run" - Pat Buchanan to his draft board
It's like Deja Vu all over again...
God I hate floppies.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Evil always triumphs over good, because good is STUPID!
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
A day not wasted is a day wasted!

Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan@cco.caltech.edu)
ShortStuff (afinater@mtholyoke.edu) wrote:
: 
: you want quotes?
: here's some:
: 
: Between two evils,  i always pick the one i never tried before.
: 
: I feel like a million...but one at a time,  please.
: 
: -Mae West
: 

Here are my tags, back by popular demand:
My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries and counting.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
"Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
"Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "Will a 2X4 do, Captain?"
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"
"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda.
"Nietzsche is dead." --God.
[-------- The information went data way --------]
[tap] [tap] [tap] Is this thing on?
2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A good pun is its own reword.
A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed. 
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
A hangover:  the wrath of grapes.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.
A)bort R)etry I)nfluence with large hammer.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Actual newspaper headline, 1/17/77: "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
Actual newspaper headline, 8/14/80: "Food Basic to Student Diet"
Actual TorStar headline, 3/6/94: "Man charged with murder after death"
After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
After all is said and done, usually more is said.
Air is water with holes in it.
Air travel:  Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
Alcoholic:  Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Amoebit:  Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Apathy Error:  Don't bother striking any key.
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
Bachelor:  A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
Backups?  We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
Bad command or file name.  Go stand in the corner.
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
Banectomy:  The removal of bruises on a banana.  -- Rich Hall
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.  -- O'Neill
Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
Boy:  A noise with dirt on it.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
Cabinicreep:  When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
Choconiverous:  Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
Cinemuck:  Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
Circle:  A line that meets its other end without ending.
Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.
Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, in the dictionary.
Click...click...click...damn, out of new taglines.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
College:  The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
Committee:  The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Confucius say too much.  -- recent Chinese proverb
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
Courage:  Two cannibals having oral sex.
Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.  -- H. L. Mencken
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Diplomacy:  Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
Don't laugh. It could happen.
Don't use no double negatives, not never.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
Don't eat the yellow snow.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
Don't judge a book by its mini-series.
Down with categorical imperatives.
Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now everywhere.
/Earth is 98% full...  please delete anyone you can.
Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it.
Egotism:  Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.  -- last words of Groucho Marx
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.  -- last words of Oscar Wilde
Elbonics:  Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially if they are dead.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.  -- Atwood
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the same way.
Expert:  Avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Familiarity breeds children.
Fashion:  A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
Fast, Cheap, Good:  Choose any two.
Fenderberg: Deposit on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
Flopcorn:  The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
Furbling:  Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only person in line.
Garmites:  Clothing that fits well in the store but shrinks on the way home.
Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
Genetics:  Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
Gentleman:  Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.  -- St. Augustine
Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
Gleemites:  Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
God gives burdens; also shoulders.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good sopranos and tenors have resonance -- where others have brains.
Grasshoppotamus:  A creature that can leap to tremendous heights...  once.
Great minds run in great circles.
Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was rather large.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Have an adequate day.
Have you flogged your crew today?
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
He has the heart of a little child...  it's in a jar on his desk.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Hearsay:  What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Heating with wood, you get warm twice:  Once chopping it, and once stacking it.
Heisenberg might have been here.
HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!  -- E. E. CUMMINGS
History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honeymoon:  A short period of doting between dating and debting.  -- Ray Bandy
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
Hospitality:  Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad.  -- Allen
I have not seen as far as others because giants were standing on my shoulders.
I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
I hate laundry month.
I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.  -- the Wizard of Oz
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.  -- Groucho Marx
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.  -- Nash
I seem to be a verb.  -- Buckminster Fuller
I am a .signature, and I want to be your friend.
I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat!
I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.  -- Albran
I disclaim my disclaimer!
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.  -- G. B. Shaw
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I used to be lost in the shuffle.  Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
I would like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?
I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I know I have a purpose because I always seem to need deodorant.
I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.  -- Steve Wright
I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for hours.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.  -- Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.  -- Marx
I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.  -- Cerebus
I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.
I will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
I'll race you to China.  You can have a head start.  Ready, set, GO!
I'll procrastinate...tomorrow.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
If all the world's a stage, who sprung the trap door on me?
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If nothing beats getting drunk, given a choice, I'd take the nothing.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?  -- Art Hoppe
If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If either religion or science were infallible, it would incorporate the other.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If You Pass This Point You Will Most Certainly Die.  -- sign on birth canal
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
If I had finished this sentence.  -- Hofstadter
If in doubt, mumble.
If laws were outlawed, only outlaws would be lawyers.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If there is light at the end of the tunnel...  ORDER MORE TUNNEL.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
If you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
Illegitimus non Carborundem -- "Don't let the bastards grind you down".
Illiterate?  Write for free help.
In English, every word can be verbed.
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
Is this true or only clever?  -- Augustine Birrell
Is there life before death?
Is a mirage real?  Well, it's a real mirage.  -- Edward Abbey
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.  -- Phil White
It is bad luck to be superstitious.  -- Andrew Mathis
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.  -- Albert Einstein
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
Journalism is literature in a hurry.  -- Matthew Arnold
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it.
Jury:  Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
Justice:  A decision in your favor.
Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
Keep Canada beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
Keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.
Kilroy occupied these spatial coordinates.
Knocked; you weren't in.  -- Opportunity
Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.  -- Henry Camp
Krogt:  The metallic silver coating found on scratch-and-win tickets.
Lactomangulation:  Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
Lead me not into temptation.  I can find it myself.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let's hope God grades on a curve.
Life is like a fountain...  I will tell you how when I figure it out.
Life is like an analogy.
Life is too confusing for novices.  We should let the experts take care of it.
Living your life is so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
Love thy neighbor:  Tune thy piano.
Love your enemies.  It will make them crazy.
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
Love:  The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Love: the word that paints a thousand pictures.
Maggit:  A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
Magnocartic:  An automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping carts.
Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
Majority:  That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Make a firm decision now...  you can always change it later.
Make things as simple as possible, but not simpler. --Einstein
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Mankind...  infests the whole habitable Earth and Canada.  -- Ambrose Bierce
Many are called, but few are at their desks.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
Michelangelo would have made better time with a roller.
Millihelen:  The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.
Mold has spores.  People have pores.  It is one way to tell us apart.
Momentum:  What you give a person when they are going away.
Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
Mowmuffins:  Dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawnmowers.
Mr. Worf!  Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge?
Mr. Bullfrog sez:  Time is fun when you're having flies.
MRducks. MRnot! MRso! Cedar wings? ...Whale oil beef hooked, MRducks!
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
My other tagline is a footnote.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
My Go this  amn keyboar  oesn't have any  's.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My computer NEVER cras
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
My opinions are not those of my ex-employer.
Never enough time, unless you're serving it.
Never call a man a fool. Instead, borrow from him.
Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf.
Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Never eat prunes when you're famished.
Never hit a man with glasses.  Use your fist.
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten people think they are above average.  The rest are in therapy.
No prizes for predicting rain.  Prizes only awarded for building arks.
No wanna work.  Wanna bang on keyboard.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Nobody home but the lights, and they're out too.
Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded. (I've actually HEARD this!)
Not all men who drink are poets.  Some of us drink because we are not poets.
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nugloo:  Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead.
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Our parents were never our age.
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.  -- Roy Ash
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.  -- Corry
Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted.
People usually get what's coming to them...  unless it was mailed.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties.
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
Positive:  Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
Proctologist:  A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
Question Authority...  and the Authorities will question you!
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.  (Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
Reality is for those too stupid to program holodecks.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rumper sticker on a horse:  "Get off my tail, because shit happens."
Saddam Hussein is the father of the mother of all cliches.
Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back.  -- sign on septic tank truck
Save the Rainforest! Eat a vegetarian!
Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
Sign seen on door:  C  I  T  Y   P  L  A  N  N  ING 
Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.  -- Fletcher Knebel
Snackmosphere:  The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.
Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.  -- Sigmund Freud
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Spam Lite: with meat products like these, who needs taglines?
Spirobits:  The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
That was Zen; this is Tao.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
The Schizophrenic:  An Unauthorized Autobiography.
The cynic says: the pessimist is a realist who isn't afraid to admit it.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you have it made.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The death rate on Earth is: .... (computing) .... One per person.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Animals/people: you can pet 99% of animals and still get a G rating.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth.  -- Diana Rigg
The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.
The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The glass is half full--and what's in it has gone rancid.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
There are many kinds of people in the world.  Are you one of them?
There is a vas deferens between men and women.
There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
There is a 70% probability of tomorrow. (actual weatherman quote. 1988)
There is no bottom to worse.  -- Cohen
There is no idea so stupid that some professor doesn't believe in it.
There's not enough sax and violins on television.
These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...  -- last words of General Sedgwick
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. --Gerald Ford.
This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.
This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
This is news. This is your brain on news. Any questions?
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
This letter fills a much-needed gap.
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.  -- Winston Churchill
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
This sentence no verb.
Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
To err is human.  To admit it is a blunder.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To err is human.  To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
To do it: Hire someone, or forbid your kids.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Toe:  A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.  -- Rilla May
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Unable to open LEVI.ZIP. Continue running TAKELEAK.EXE? (Y/N)
Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.
Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it is just the opposite.
Under-Achievers Anonymous has an 11-step program.
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Volcano:  A mountain with hiccups.
Vote anarchist.
We have them just where they want us.  -- James Kirk
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We aren't sure how clouds form.  But they know, that is what counts.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We will cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
What did you bring the book I want to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind.  -- Thomas Key
What if there were no hypothetical situations? --Andrew Kohlsmith
What is orange and goes "click, click"?  A ball point carrot.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When in doubt, do as doubters do.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose.
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
Where there is a will, there is an Inheritance Tax.
You can't hear it, but the universe is laughing at you behind your back.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
Why doesn't life come with subtitles?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?  -- Lily Tomlin
Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses?  -- Liddy
Why did the tachyon cross the road?  Because it was on the other side.
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it's said?
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Working in a McDonald's kitchen: one [beep]ing thing after another...
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Yawning is an orgasm for your face.  -- Gunvar Ingeborg
Yo-yo:  Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").
You are warm and giving toward others.  What are you after?
You simply *must* stop taking other people's advice.
You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
You are here.  But you are not all there.
You are not paranoid if they're really after you...
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You will learn a lot today.
Your lucky number is 364958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make sense.
Your fault -- core dumped.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

-- 
Ken Breadner		Wilfrid Laurier University,		##############
brea9430@mach1.wlu.ca	Waterloo, Ontario, Canada-for-now	##############
(the BREADbox)		---------------------------------	##############
------------------------Scratch here to reveal your prize---]   ##############


Ashleigh Edward Brilliant, tireless composer for decades of entertaining
PotShots, whose work I excerpt below, followed by my own imitations and clones
from other sources.

This is certainly an excessive posting against a basenote, but splicing an
Ashleigh Brilliant thread into a screaming raving flame war has an amusing
cacaphony to it that the good Mr. Brilliant himself would almost certainly
enjoy.  (BTW, my business dealings with the Dizzies indicates that arguing
with them is not productive since (a) they like it and (b) they're better
at it than we are ... a LOT better.)



Potshots By Ashleigh Edward Brilliant

* NOT NOW and maybe not later, either.

* WE'LL ALWAYS STAY ON GOOD TERMS as long as they're my terms.

* FOLLOW ME! It's better for us to be lost together.

* One good reason for trusting me is that many other foolish people already
trust me.

* IT'S NOT FAIR THE WAY YOU KEEP RETALIATING AGAINST MY UNPROVOKED ATTACKS.

* PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANY FURTHER TROUBLE I CAN GIVE YOU ...

* An unfair method sometimes used to gain control of an organization is to
attend all the meetings.

* IF YOU CAN'T GO AROUND IT, OVER IT, OR THROUGH IT THEN YOU HAD BETTER
NEGOTIATE WITH IT.

* Inside every older person, there's a younger person, wondering what 
happened.  (ED: And outside that younger person is the older person, laughing
at him.)

* Some people can find all the peace of mind they want in a good, satisfying
conflict.

* LET'S PUT THE BLAME WHERE IT BELONGS:  On somebody else.

* THE MORE SURE YOU ARE -- THE MORE WRONG YOU CAN BE.

* Everything I am today I owe to people whom it is now too late to punish.

* BEWARE!  I can do great harm to myself, and blame it all on you.

* It would be easier for me to reject all established values if I knew what
they were ...

* IT'S ALL VERY SIMPLE, or else it's all very complex, or perhaps it's 
neither ...  or both.

* If you never try anything new, you'll miss some of the world's great 
disappointments.

* I TRY TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME, but sometimes several days attack me at
once.

* Unlike most people, I'm just an average person.

* IN MY OWN SMALL WAY, I AM HELPING PEOPLE if only by leaving most of them 
alone.

* COLD COMFORT:  Some of the worst things I've done have probably been
forgotten by everyone but me.

* I WAS EDUCATED ONCE and it took me years to get over it.

* I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less.

* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
worthless.

* THE SHOW MUST GO ON but I don't have to stay and watch.

* YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO AROUSE VARIOUS EMOTIONS IN ME.  Please select
carefully.

* IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE -- could you make yours a little 
friendlier?

* IF WE ALL DO WHAT WE BELIEVE IS RIGHT there will assuredly be utter chaos.

* I HAVE NO PREJUDICES: all my hatreds are based on solid evidence.

* DON'T LET YOURSELF SUFFER NEEDLESSLY!  Find a need to suffer.

* Today's children are required to learn what most people in former times 
were forbidden to know.

* NOT ALL OUR ARTISTS ARE PLAYING A JOKE ON THE PUBLIC -- SOME OF THEM ARE
GENUINELY MAD.

* TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY and I hope it's not a day like this one.

* I'LL LISTEN TO YOUR UNREASONABLE DEMANDS IF YOU'LL CONSIDER MY UNACCEPTABLE
OFFER.

* I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU but there's nobody else around to bore.

* INFORM THE TROOPS THAT ALL COMMUNICATIONS HAVE COMPLETELY BROKEN DOWN.

* I live in a world of my own, but visitors are always welcome.

* THE TIME FOR ACTION IS PAST!  Now is the time for senseless bickering.

* The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is
right.

* NO MAN IS AN ISLAND -- but some of us are long peninsulas.

* It's possible that my whole purpose in life is simply as a warning to 
others.

* YOUR REASONING IS EXCELLENT.  It's your basic assumptions that are wrong.

* BY DOING JUST A LITTLE EVERY DAY, I CAN GRADUALLY LET THE TASK COMPLETELY
OVERWHELM ME.

* SOMEDAY I'LL GET MY BIG CHANCE or have I already had it?

* I hope the day after I die is a nice day.

* The odds are a million to one of my being one in a million.

* BEEN THROUGH HELL? AND WHAT DID YOU BRING BACK FOR ME?

* MY SOURCES ARE UNRELIABLE, but their information is fascinating.

* As long as I have you, I can endure all the troubles you invariably bring.

* BY STAYING AT THE REAR OF THE ADVANCE, you can be at the forefront of the
retreat.

[%%]


POTSHOT CLONES

* My own imitations on a theme, dedicated to Corvallis, Oregon, 1981:1983:
"It's not the fall that hurts, it's the sudden stop at the end."

* GULLIBLE AND INSECURE?  TAKE HEART.  You're certain to find someone 
arrogant and manipulative to help you.

* IF YOU TRY HARD AND PERSEVERE you will eventually gain our utter contempt.

* IT WOULD BE EASIER TO FULFILL MY SENSE OF SOCIAL OBLIGATION if fulfilling 
it didn't annoy everyone so much.

* GOOD LUCK ON YOUR CRUSADE.  Send me a report when you're done.

* THANKS TO HIGHER EDUCATION AND MASS COMMUNICATIONS, ignorance and
superstition have been brought to new and undreamed-of levels of 
sophistication.

* Just because it's hard ... doesn't mean it's worthwhile.

* I have no objections to conformism.  I just never figured out how to make 
it pay.

* I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS to the questions you are not asking.

* TO HELL WITH ALL THOSE PEOPLE who don't love humanity as much as I do.

* THANK YOU FOR YOUR CRITICISMS -- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?  But I think should
ask someone else.

* I AM EAGER TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR PROBLEMS.  No problems?  Let me make some
for you.

* WHEN YOU'VE FINALLY SAVED THE WORLD FROM ALL THE FOOLISH PEOPLE -- who 
saves it from you?

* YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF CONFUSION AND MISERY until you have searched
for enlightenment and happiness.

* HOW ARROGANT OF YOU NOT TO ACCEPT my obvious superiority.

* You don't need to fix me.  I am not broken.

* I HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT.  So don't go ruining it all by asking me to
explain.

* If I have to ride in the back of the bus, I'd rather walk.

* I CAN ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE POMPOUS AND HUMORLESS.  I just don't understand
why you are proud of it.

* I AM SO VERY FORTUNATE THAT MY PERSONAL LIFESTYLE is such a perfect 
reflection of the absolute good.

* ONCE I FELT A NEED TO BELONG AND BE ACCEPTED.  Fortunately, I got over it.

* Instead of wondering:  WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING? -- you might ask instead:  
WHY DO YOU THINK IT SHOULD?

* IF THIS IS RESPECTABILITY, I'll pass.

* SINCE YOU STARTED PUTTING UP A FIGHT, it's not fun to harass you any more.

* THANKS TO THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEMS, I finally 
realized the problem was the people who wanted to help me with my problems.

[%%]


POTSHOT CLONES 2

* More of my own clones from later years, much less cynical. 

* MONEY WON'T BUY HAPPINESS but it's good for a few laughs every now and then.

* For some, familiarity does not breed contempt.  It simply gives them a 
chance to express it.

* This book is so profound, it bores me to death.

* YOU CAN'T BEAT A LOUDMOUTH AT HIS OWN GAME.

* When you can laugh at everyone but yourself, you have merely succeeded in
mistaking malice for a sense of humor.

* Assumptions are like mines:  you're never aware of them until they blow up
in your face.

* I'M SURE I'M NOT THE SILLIEST FOOL ON THE PLANET.  I just happen to be the
one I know the best.

* POWER CORRUPTS.  TRIVIAL POWER CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY.

* WHEN IN DOUBT be quiet.

* AFTER DEALING WITH PEOPLE OF STRONG CONVICTIONS I think there's something
positive to be said for being wishy-washy.

* A THICK SKIN IS A VIRTUE as long as it doesn't go all the way through 
your head.

* SIMPLY BECAUSE I REJECT YOUR POSITION does not mean I embrace its opposite.

* IF YOU'RE NOT BRINGING ANYTHING TO THE PARTY then why are you going?

* SOMETIMES YOU CAN EARN PEOPLE'S RESPECT just by keeping your mouth shut
until they get used to you.

* ROTATE LEFT, ROTATE RIGHT, still a crank.

* I NEVER CALL SOMEONE A FRIEND if they're not around to deny it.

* THE ESSENCE OF HUMILITY is to put yourself in someone else's shoes and ask
if you could do better.

* JUST BECAUSE I HAD IT COMING TO ME doesn't mean you're not on my blacklist
for doing it to me.

* I HELP OTHERS WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES.  The rest of the time I help
myself.

* GETTING OUT OF THE MILITARY IS LIKE REACHING THE BOTTOM AFTER FALLING DOWN A
FLIGHT OF STAIRS.  You don't feel so good, but at least you're glad there
isn't any more.

* LIFE IS A JOKE, but at least it's a good one.

* TROUBLESHOOTING A COMPUTER OVER A PHONE IS LIKE HAVING SEX THROUGH A HOLE IN
A BOARD FENCE.  It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.

* WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT has no bearing on whether it is true or not.

* IT IS EASY TO PLEASE THOSE WHO ARE EASILY PLEASED.  It is absolutely
impossible to please those who are not.

* PLAUSIBLE ARGUMENTS CAN BE CONSTRUCTED for the dumbest ideas.

* IF YOU CAN'T WIN BIG BATTLES, win lots of little ones.

* I'm not big on conspiracy theories, as I see things happen more by accident
than by design.

* I try to respect my elders.  I doubt they're wiser than I am, but I'm 
certain they've taken more abuse.

* DAY TO DAY LIFE requires a certain small but unceasing courage.

* THE OLDER I GET THE MORE I UNDERSTAND why people become alcoholics.

* WHAT FUN IS IT TO BE AN EXPERT if you have to make yourself easy to 
understand?

* IF YOU WERE HANGING OFF A CLIFF, I WOULD HELP YOU UP.  But I would think it
over a while before I did it.

* I'VE NEVER HAD BAD LUCK.  Just fits of stupidity.

* IT'S EASY TO KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUTE TOWARD THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU if you
don't pay too much attention to them.

* I LIKE TO THINK I AM A GOOD-NATURED PERSON, despite the lack of supporting
evidence.

* BODY LANGUAGE, VAGUE AS IT IS, is much less misleading than the spoken word.

* IF YOU CAN'T MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE, you can at least not make it
worse.

* HE THINKS HE'S A PROPHET, but he's really a loss.

* NOTHING CAN CAUSE MORE PAIN, AGONY, AND BLOODSHED than the belief that 
things will happen the way you expect them to.

* TRYING TO PLEASE WOMEN NEVER WORKS.  NEITHER DOES IGNORING THEM.  But it's 
a lot less bother.

* WHY WORRY ABOUT VIRUSES when there's software out there that is far more
dangerous?

* IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, it probably doesn't mean anything.

* BELOW THE NOISE THRESHOLD OF THE FEMALE PSYCHE, you do not understand what
is going on, and, furthermore, you don't want to find out.

[%%]


POTSHOT CLONES 3

* Dedicated to the Aunt Esther to my Fred Sanford:

* When she speaks to me, I always have the strangest feeling of being called 
on the phone ... and then put on hold.

* Let's cut through all the logic and get on with the bullshit.

* There's no need to be concerned.  Your approval is not required.

* YOU MAY HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, but I must admit you say it with impressive
conviction.

* I wish we were talking on the phone ... so I could at least have the 
pleasure of hanging up on you.

[%%]


POTSHOT CLONES 4

* By others, anonymous and otherwise.

* STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD and you get hit by traffic going both ways.

* THE MORE CRAP YOU TAKE, THE MORE CRAP YOU GET.

* THE NEXT BEST THING TO DOING SOMETHING SMART is not doing something stupid.
(Andy Capp)

* AN EASILY UNDERSTOOD, VALID HALF-TRUTH is more useful than a detailed, 
incomprehensible truth.

* THIS IS SERVITUDE, to serve the unwise.  (John Milton)

* You're telling me questions and asking me lies.

* YOU CAN'T LOSE WHAT YOU AIN'T GOT, YOU CAN'T MISS WHAT YOU AIN'T NEVER HAD.
(Muddy Waters and so on)

* I ain't bitter, I'm just bitter-sweet.  (Rahsaan Roland Kirk)

* I'D KICK MY OWN MOTHER IN THE BALLS IF SHE LAID A RAP ON ME LIKE THAT.
(Vaughn Bode / Cheech Wizard)

* IT'S ALWAYS EASY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP and always impossible to take two
steps at a time.  (Seymour Cray)

* IT IS EASY TO BE KIND TO PEOPLE FOR WHOM ONE CARES NOTHING. (Oscar Wilde)

* FLATTERERS LOOK LIKE FRIENDS the way wolves look like dogs.

* A MAN HAS MADE GREAT PROGRESS IN CUNNING when he does not seem too clever 
to others.

* RE-ENLISTING IS LIKE SMACKING YOURSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER TWICE to
see if it hurt the first time.  (P.J. Czahor)

* NEVER WRESTLE A PIG.  You both get dirty, but the pig likes it.

* DEALING WITH THE GOVERNMENT IS LIKE KICKING A 300-POUND SPONGE.

* PRIDE MAKES SOME MEN RIDICULOUS but prevents others from becoming so.

* IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, no one will like it.

* MANY TIMES I HAVE WANTED TO STOP TALKING and find out what I really 
believed.

* IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO UNDERSTAND THINGS in order to argue about them.

* OUR FRIENDS ABANDON US ONLY TOO EASILY and our enemies are implacable.
(Voltaire)

* KINDNESS IS IN OUR POWER, but fondness is not.  (Samuel Johnson)

* Never get into a farting contest with a skunk.

* You are not thinking.  You are merely being logical.  (Neils Bohr to Albert
Einstein)

* I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in a previous life.  (Paul
Krassner)

* If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there.  (Timothy Leary?)

* Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good
spirits.  (Robert Louis Stevenson)

* I am a deeply superficial person.  (Andy Warhol)

* If it does not smell anymore, you are in it to the eyes.

* I think, therefore I'm confused.

* It's amazing to find how long it takes to complete something you're not
working on.

* The more you stir manure, the more it smells.

* Love is doomed to fail because men are stupid and women are crazy.  (Matt
Groening)

* Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.  (Philip
K. Dick)

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