OJ TRIAL TRANSCRIPTS YOU WON'T SEE ON TV
COCHRANE Now Detective, did you notice what brand of ice cream it
was?
DETECTIVE Yes. It was Ben and Jerrys "Fuckers Guilty".
COCHRANE Objection!
ITO Boy, I even object to that!
DETECTIVE Just kidding. It was Ben and Jerrys "Your Poor Kids
Won't have any Money Left So Why Don't you Admit You Did It"
COCHRANE Objection!
ITO I think we need a sidebar here.
BAILEY Straight scotch!
ITO Bailey, go back to sleep.
COCHRANE Why is it eeeto anyway? Shouldn't it be eye-to?
ITO Objection! Badgering the court.
SHAPIRO Sustained.
ITO You can't make rulings!
SHAPIRO I can do anything. I'm Robert Shapiro!
ITO Reporter, make a note of that.
CLARK Can we move on? I'd like a speedy trial.
COCHRANE Objection!
CLARK You object to a speedy trial?
COCHRANE Hell yes! We're getting $300/hr!
[Defense team laughs]
COCHRANE What are you getting- $300 a week?
[More laughter]
ALL: THREE HUNDRED A WEEK!!!
CLARK For your information, the city has a excellent dental plan.
SHAPIRO Too bad they don't have a hair plan.
CLARK Objection!
SHAPIRO Objection!
ITO What are you objecting to?
SHAPIRO I um...I object to be Jewish.
ITO You're not Jewish. Who ever heard of a Jewish lawyer?
SHAPIRO Who ever heard of a Black lawyer?
ITO Overrulled.
COCHRANE Objection!
ITO You fuckers shut up! There's TV cameras in here. I've got a
$3mil book deal riding on this. We'll have a 15 minute recess to
play with our Ninja Turtles.
CLARK Objection! Counsel is getting sick of the Barbies. I would
like the Turtles this time.
SHAPIRO Objection! I"m not playing with Barbies!
CLARK My friend Gloria Allred says we don't have to get the
Barbies every time.
COCHRANE Objection! Her friend is not all red, she is in fact a
white woman.
ITO Sustained. We will need to call her in to confirm this.
What's her home number?
CLARK 213-54- Oh, you're not gonna get me with that one again!
You tried that with Steve Garvey's wife.
ITO Oh yeah, she was hot! I think i sustained my robe that day.
[all men laugh]
CLARK Objection!
ITO Sustained.
COCHRANE Objection!
SHAPIRO Overruled!
COCHRANE Objection!
DARDEN Objection!
ITO Sustained.
DARDEN Overrulled.
COCHRANE Sustained.
ITO Ms.Clark will get the Turtles this time.
HOGEMAN She always gets what she wants! Marcia, marcia, marcia!
ITO Overrulled.
HOGEMAN I apologize Mr.Bradey-um, your honor.
COCHRANE Objection!
HOGEMAN You object to my apology?
COCHRANE No i object to the judge. Why couldn't we get a Black
judge?
SHAPIRO Shhhh! It costs us $2mil for the jury. OJ's almost broke.
HOGEMAN Good to be back your honor.
ITO Glad it wasn't a heart attack Mr.Hogeman.
HOGEMAN so am I. I'd like to-
[Cochrane steps behind Hogeman and drops a large dictionary on
the floor. BAMMM!]
[HOGEMAN falls over dead. CLARK slides him off table, grabs his
feet and pulls him out of courtroom.]
COCHRANE Man,that bitch is cold!
CLARK Your honor, I'd like to call my new co-counsel, Perry
Mason.
CROWD Ooooohh!
SHAPIRO We're fucked.
ITO Are you ready to call your next witness Mr.Cochrane?
COCHRANE Yes your honor. I'd like to call Jehovah. Get it?
Jehovah's Witness!
ITO Objection!
[men crack up]
CLARK You men are pathetic!
SHAPIRO Oh, the bitch is pissed again.
PERRY MASON You claim because of athritis, you cannot raise your
arms?
OJ That's true.
Mason steps back,turns and quickly throws a football high over
OJ's head. OJ catches it perfectly.
ITO Case closed,two counts of guilty in the first degree. Fry the
fucker.
NOTE to the Humor-Impaired: THIS IS A JOKE! These are not
actual transcripts. Any similiarity to real persons is
coincidental,blah blah,blah. Written when a friend said she said
sick of OJ and needed some comic relief. i have never even heard
of OJ however i have slept with Cindy Garvey.
Copywrite 2112 ezwriter@netcom.com
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