Here's a collection which I've culled from misc.kids over the last
6 months or so...
***********************************
Billy often says things to one of us and we'll ask him to repeat
it for the other parent (instead of us repeating it for him).
I was outside when Billy told Mary something. This was the
dialog when I came back in:
Mary: Can you tell daddy what you told me?
Billy: No.
Me: Why not?
Billy: I wasn't listening.
and also this weekend...(Miss Manners need not fear competition just yet)
Billy: Get me more juice.
Me: I think there's a word missing from that sentence.
Billy: Get me more juice NOW!
***************************************
Wow, we have a different problem entirely. We get:
Anna: I want some more!
Me: More what, Anna?
Anna: I want some more, PLEASE!
Me: Umm ... More milk? More noodles? ...
***************************************
Story 1: My daughter went through a long phase of role-playing
based on characters from her favorite tapes, comic strips, etc.
Each day we all had to learn a new set of assigned names
(e.g. Lucy, Snoopy and Woodstock or Littlefoot, Ducky and Sara,
etc.) and godforbid that we should forget! Anyway, one Saturday
morning I'm in bed about 8:30 (after getting home from work
about 3:30 that morning). Suddenly my daughter is standing
over me, all bright-eyed and bushy-taled, saying "Hi Suzy!
I'm Calvin! Want to see what's in my lunch box?!?"
Story 2: My wife and I have long been fans of a particular Chinese
restaurant here in town (Royal East, if anyone finds themselves
in Cambridge) and from since she was old enough to sit up my
daughter (and now her sister) have gone and have particularly
enjoyed a dish called Refreshing Bean Sprouts (basically a big
bowl of largish bean sprouts in a chinese/garlicy soy sauce).
Anyway, from the beginning this dish has been known as "Worms"
and a trip to the restaurant is not complete until Maera gets
to order her big bowl of Worms.
***************************************
My daughter (5-1/2) is currently going through something of a
"Daddy's Girl" phase. Every Saturday night, we have a videos night
and my daughter has been selecting own videos (within reason ;)
for some time now. When she first selected "Bambi" my wife and I
were somewhat concerned, having heard stories about young children
becoming upset, particularly during the scene when Bambi's mother
is shot. However, my daughter didn't display any distress at all
throughout the movie and has since seen it probably half-a-dozen
times. Anyway, a couple weekends ago my daughter chose "Bambi"
as her movie. However, my wife and I become somewhat concerned as
the crucial scene appeared and my daughter became (very unusually)
quiet and subdued. She set there quietly for a couple of minutes,
and then in a very quiet, still voice asked: "Bambi's Father is OK,
isn't he?"
***************************************
A good friend's daughter (also about 5-1/2) also watched "Bambi"
for the first time. At the aforementioned "crucial scene" my
friend waited for the reaction. Sarah (daughter) looked up and
said, "I hear that deer meat tastes pretty good."
Would you worry if this were your kid, or what!?
***************************************
This reminds me about a conversation that my daughter's preschool
teacher relayed to me (a few years ago):
(Sara is on the playground, flapping arms in a flying motion)
Teacher: What kind of animal are you?
Sara: I'm a pterodactyl, looking for something to eat.
Teacher: But there's nothing for you to eat.
Sara (Looking at the other kids on the playground): Yes there is!
I know that she wasn't reading Calvin & Hobbes, but perhaps she
was seeing too many nature programs with hungry predators.
***************************************
I took Dylan to the zoo this afternoon for a couple of hours.
I made the mistake of not bringing his stroller, since he insisted
that he wanted to walk or have me carry him. One minute into our
outing, he decided he'd had enough of walking :-(. Conservatively,
I would estimate that I spent 95% of the time at the zoo carrying
this 30 pounder around (thank goodness for thrice weekly
weightlifting workouts!). Near the end of our trip, I said to
Dylan, "Please walk for a little bit because Mommy is tired."
He looked at me with the sweetest little face and said "Why Mom tired?"
***************************************
Melissa once got out of eating broccoli by creative reasoning.
She said "George Bush does not like broccoli & he is the BIG boss...
so, if he doesn't eat it, I don't have to eat it." It was so funny
when she said it that we let her get away with not eating broccoli.
She was watching the news last night & got very concerned. With a
very serious face she asked, "Mommy, if George Bush isn't president
any more does that mean I have to eat broccoli ??"
After about 5 minutes she asked, "Can Clinton spell POTATO?"
***************************************
OK, I'll add our political cute things they say. This is courtesy of
Joshua who will be 5 next month.
My husband and I were discussing the election and looking at the
newspaper. Joshua came up and pointed to a picture and said:
Joshua: "That's Bill Clinton."
Me: (very surprised) "That's right! He's running for president."
Joshua: "He can't be President because he lies!"
Me: (again surprised) "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Joshua: "Because the picture of President Bush said so right on the TV."
Gosh. Don't you just love these political campaigns!
***************************************
Kina (almost 6) and Brittany (4) had the following conversation on
election day.
Britt: Today is voting day. We will have a new president.
Everybody has to vote so we can have money to build more roads so
we wouldn't have a traffic jam.
Kina: No, to build trains. (We have a light-rail measure.)
Britt: Who do you vote, Kina?
Kina: I vote for George Bush because he is the president.
Britt: I vote for the guy who wanted to go to India but ended up in
Bahamas.
Kina: Christopher Columbus! But he's DEAD!
Britt: Ya, I like him and I'm going to vote for him.
***************************************
A woman was out working in her yard the afternoon of 10/17/89.
Her young son (2-3) turned the sprinklers on a couple of times,
getting her wet. She reprimanded him each time and finally lost
patience, collecting the kid and depositing him in his crib. She
returned to the yard and the earthquake hit a few minutes later.
There was a shriek from the house; she rushed inside to find the
kid unharmed but clearly (no pun intended) shaken. He was very
quiet and calm for the next half hour. When his father arrived
home aroun 5:30, the kid approached him with great concern and
seriousness, "Daddy, don't turn on the sprinkler."
***************************************
Last night my 5 yo (who was playing Mother) said to her younger
(almost 4 yo) sister,
Sheera (5yo): "You are impossible," (accompanied by a sigh worthy
of Sara Bernhardt)
Me: "If she's impossible, what are you?"
Sheera: "I'm Possible, of course!"
***************************************
My son (almost 3) is very into rhyming, and funny words that sound alike.
So here's his joke:
Q. What does Pooh make in his diaper?
A. Pooh poop! (wild giggling)
***************************************
Yesterday Michael was drinking Kool-Aid. Jen gave it to him in a
sipper cup, but left the lid off at Michael's insistence. No problem,
he's reasonably well-coordinated, we figure. Well, he shifted his
attention, then looked back down at his feet as cherry Kool-Aid
poured onto the kitchen floor. After I got him to stop pouring,
he said in a nice calm voice, "Need da id on."
***************************************
The other day my son Iain (7-1/2) asked his mother what "allergic"
meant. She explained, to which he replied "I think I'm allergic to
happiness." Horrified, she asked him why he would say that. His
quite logical (and reassuring) answer? "Because whenever I'm really
happy, my eyes get all watery!"
***************************************
I have kept my son (20 months) in his daycare during my maternity
leave. However, this week, the daycare is closed. I encouraged my
son to watch me bath my daughter (10 weeks) to keep him out of
trouble. He thought it was a barrel of laughs. When I was soaping
her, he pulled up his shirt and was going through the motions.
I told him daddy would give him a bath after dinner. Through the
afternoon he kept checking the bathtub. (a fact I should have told
daddy). After dinner, daddy filled the tub and came to the computer
room to ask me a question. Splash splash sounds started coming from
the bathroom. There was Russell, fully clothed, shoes and all happily
playing in the tub.
***************************************
I have an almost 6 yr old daughter, Jocelyn, and an
almost 4 yr old son, James. A friend came to visit recently
and asked Jocelyn if we have a dog. "No", she replied, "We have James".
***************************************
I didn't get involved in the Chanukah-Christmas dominant
culture-diversity discussions, but this story is related
(and funny) so I thought I'd share it post-season:
My 8 year old (Jewish) niece asked her parents: "Can there be
such a thing as a Jewish virgin?"
***************************************
My son and I had to visit the urgent care center late the other
night. And in the process he was requested to provide a urine sample.
After he had done that and we returned to the examination room waiting
for the doctor to return (with the door open), David pointed to the
see through urine sample cup and said in a fairly loud voice "Mom,
why does the doctor want that?" I said that she wanted to check that
it was ok. He gave me a strange look and said "Oh, how YUCKY!!!".
Which both the doctor and nurse heard and were doubled up laughing
at this exchange. Later when we were finishing up at the reception
desk the doctor asked David what he wanted to be when he was grown
up. He said "I'm not going to be a doctor. You have to listen to
crying kids and do things with their wee-wee. Yuck!!" :-)
***************************************
My sister's son, Jason (age 13), was watching the news when the
newscaster said something about how President-elect Clinton
looks when jogging in his running shorts - something about how
he looks like he's got prostate trouble. Jason starts laughing
hysterically ...
My sister: Jason, do you even know what a prostrate is?
Jason: Sure, it's those women that hang out on the street downtown!
***************************************
How about this: Beth, 3.5, was watching old Star Trek with us.
They beamed down somewhere and met up with some menace or another.
Beth says to me, puzzled, "all those red people are falling down
and all those different colours people are not!" "Red person" means
person wearing red; yes at three and a half she has noticed the
redshirt phenomenon!
***************************************
Sara, my 3.5 year old granddaughter, still likes her naps in the
afternoon. Last Saturday we were out shopping close to her nap time.
We were leaving the mall and she said Grandma could you please carry
me. I had my hands and arms full of packages and said, "Sara could
you just walk a few more steps." Her reply was "Grandma, my batteries
are dead and my legs won't work anymore." I thought I would crack up.
Well you know what I did. I juggled the packages around and picked
her up. She was asleep before got home.
***************************************
Keje (4yo) is under the dinner table reading his "encyclopedia"
while the rest of us are still eating. At a picture of the solar
system he says:
"These are the planets and one of them is Snoopy."
Long silence in which mom and dad wreck their brains. Rianne
is the first to understand.
"No Keje, that's Pluto."
***************************************
On the front of converstions with me, I kind of liked this
religious discussion:
Tim: If I got very, very sick I might die ... (this was more
analytical than being sad about dying).
Me: Yes, but that wouldn't be so bad. You could go to heaven
and be with God.
Tim: But if I was from Tibet I could just decide to live another life!
***************************************
My wife Kathy was picking up David from kindergarten yesterday
when he exclaimed, "Mom, look at the old-fashioned car!" Expecting
to see a Model T, or maybe something from the 1930's, Kathy looked
around to see...
A Volkswagen Beetle, the kind of car she learned to drive in. I wonder
how long it'll be before he identifies my '84 Rabbit as old-fashioned?
***************************************
This morning while changing Billy:
me: (yawn)
Billy: Are you tired?
me: Yes, I am.
Billy: Go get some sleep.
me: (astounded) Will you let me?
Billy: no!
***************************************
Last week PBS had on THE MIRACLE OF LIFE and I watched with my
three sons. The two older ones basically just accepted what was
going on but the youngest (six) had many questions.
I just tried to nonchalantly answer most of them until...
They were showing the inside of a testicle and he said:
"What's that?"
The oldest answered: "That's a ball" (giggle giggle giggle)
After a few seconds of thought:
"What kind of ball, a baseball or a basketball?"
***************************************
Hi---here is a cute remark to help you start out your week (it
is especially fun for us C-sectioners!)!
Yesterday, we went to visit a friend of mine who just had a baby
a few days ago. While we were visiting, my son was pretty much
occupied with the TV set as my friend gave her "birth story"---she
had a natural delivery. Anyway, on the way home, my son said to
me--very seriously--"Mom, thank you for letting me and Toni come
out of your belly, I think coming out the other way would be
pretty squishy". He was just sounded so grateful--he had this
wonderful, thankful look on this face--it was so precious.
Since I was trying to give his remark the respect it deserved--
(plus I needed to stay in control of my car)--I tried to remain
very much in control--so I eked out a response: "no problem,
Vince"---gosh, aren't kids wonderful?
***************************************
We took our three oldest (9, 7, 5) to see a musical (show) last
night ("Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"). One of the
actors/roles was an impression of Elvis. When he came on stage, my
oldest turns to my wife and asks: "Who is he supposed to be?
Michael Jackson?"
Aargh!
***************************************
Last night while getting Billy (34 months) ready for bed, he
was delaying (as usual), which cuts into reading time.
me: I don't understand, I thought you liked to read at night.
Billy: I do.
me: Then why won't you get ready for bed?
Billy: I have to dawdle before you put on my sleeper.
me: Why?
Billy: It's my job!
***************************************
When my 27 month old daughter wakes up, she occasionally wants
instant attention. So one morning, her wails awakened me from a
deep night's sleep and I went into her bedroom directly, without
stopping to go to the bathroom. There is a bathroom just one
door down from her bedrooom. So after calming her and getting
her to start her normal morning playing in the crib, I said "Mommy
will be right back. I'm just going around the corner to go
pee-pee." (We're potty training, of course). While I was in the
bathroom, my husband arose and went into Miranda's room. "Where's
Mommy?" he asked. "Mommy is pee-peeing in the corner," my daughter
promptly answered.
***************************************
We were in the car, headed for my inlaw's 50th anniversary party. Brian
and I were going over who was arriving at what time, and to one
piece of information he said "so you remembered to phone [someone]
to say he should call earlier than he had planned?" My brain was a
few seconds behind my mouth: I answered "ah, shhhhhhh---" before
tailing off. There was a short pause and then Beth chirped up
from beside me:
"What were you going to say, Mummy? Shit?"
Kate
and yes, it was a nice lead-in to our (perennial) conversation
about how swearing is a bad habit that Mummy is trying to stop
and Beth would do well never to start. Sigh.
***************************************
When Jennifer was around 2-1/2 (she will be 4 next month!),
my sister was sitting down and had a huge run in her nylon.
Jennifer spots it and in the most horrified voice states, "Aunt
Maria, WHAT happened to your leg! It's falling apart!" We just
about died laughing. We did manage to convince her that Aunt
Maria was just fine.
***************************************
Christopher is currently potty-training and yesterday, when I
picked him up from daycare, I was parked next to a spot with a
handicapped-parking sign, i.e. the person-in-a-wheelchair diagram.
Christopher pointed at the sign and said, "Look! He's sitting on the
potty! Good for you! He's trying to go pee-pee and poo-poo!"
Now if he would just learn to do it himself.
***************************************
Tonight at a restaurant, my wife's sister took Madeleine -- age
four -- to the ladies room. My sister in law returned and said
that Maddy had said "Jane, you have hair on your vagina, and
Mommy does too and so does Grandma! But I don't!" All in as
loud a voice as possible. Jane just said, "Yes that's right"
matter-of-fact-ly.
***************************************
Recently my sister-in-law was helping my seven year old niece with her
English homework. They were working on verbs and contractions.
She asked Emily if she knew what a contraction was. Emily said
"Yes, that's what ladies have when they are having a baby." We
cracked up thinking about what would have happened had she responded
to that question in class. Emily has a new baby sister so she knew
what she was talking about.
***************************************
Just this morning, my 3-yr-old daughter asked me if she could taste
some of the new snack food I bought to pack in her and her brother's
lunches. It is bacon-and-cheese-flavored crackers with pretzels and
peanuts. I gave her a little bit and she tasted it and said,
"Hmmmm, tastes just like dog food."
I wasn't aware she was eating the dog's food....
***************************************
Yesterday Katie (4 yrs old) told us during dinner that she wanted
a job. She asked if she could get a job as a newspaper person,
but I said that she wasnÕt old enough, so we talked about jobs
she could do at home. She started by saying that she wanted to
be in charge of cleaning "the whole house" (right!), but eventually
we agreed that she could clear the table and load the dishwasher
after dinner each night. She then said that she wondered how much
money she could earn for such a job. I suggested 50 cents a week;
without missing a beat, she said, "I think $10 a day would be fair!"
I may need a second job to pay for hers!
***************************************
At almost-4, Angelica is well into the stage where prolonged silence
means disaster. In the last week she has managed to, in complete
silence ....
Do a complete chop job on her bangs with the scissors while she was
in my office sitting under the other desk quietly cutting out
magazine pictures
"Look, I made it snow in the bedroom" by hurling handfuls of
cornstarch over every square inch of the bedroom while she
seemed to be in there quietly playing with her dolls.
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