In article [gate.mgLmHc1w164w@annex.com],
Halcyon Woodward [halcyon.woodward@annex.com] wrote:
]]Could anybody E-mail the the pamphlet about Barny being a cult
]] leader?
]Me too please!!!!!!!!!!!
in the interest to keep from getting a few hundred more 'me too' posts,
this is the version that I have....enjoy
=========================================================================
A
N ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter
T Issue #1
I
B A R N E Y
L ABL- "A group of people united
E in a single goal. Be
A scared Barney. We have
G a mandate from the people
U and GOD almighty!"
E
]
I hate Barney! I hate Barney! I hate Barney!
-- From the bestselling "Mantra for a New Age:
A World Without Barney"
"Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!"
-- Gumby, '60s animation star
Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney
Must Die Newsletter.
It is time that we must unite agaist a force that is covering
our nation like a dark cloud. Barney is evil.
Barney and his Backyard gang are out to control the minds of
kids, so that after the seed of Barney is planted in their
psyche, they will more willingly accept a kind and gentle
DICTATORSHIP, by a man in a purple rubber suit. The problem
will grow unless we do some thing about it. Dinosaurs can't
be citizens, so let's send him to Costa Rica.
PBS sponsors a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check
your local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of
irritating small children and a purple toy dinosaur named
"Barney" who comes to life and sings songs of a pro-social
nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You Song", sung to
the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo:
I love you.
You love me.
We're a happy family.
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too?
JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY?
Barney is said to be some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur
suit. Several things about this theory don't add up. For one
thing, Barney has full mobility.
Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his
hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his
stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's
because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was
operating his beak.
Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working
mouth, and large moving cow like eyes. If a man is in there,
he's no ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the
ability to leap in the air a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human
would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.)
If he's not human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?
1) He's a real dinosaur.
Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is
questionable, the geological record is far from complete.
Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support
current revisionist paleontological theory. (The singing
ability is a new twist, however.)
And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the
other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carinvore
(Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore,
or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.
2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly
parent figure in order to train young children to be his
unholy army of ultimate darkness.
You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it
seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why.
Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to
test this out would be to confront the fiend with a bloody
crucifix.
3) He's a space alien.
This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might
have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even
begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors,
even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of these could
account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the
show. As for his motives and purpose, see above.
HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?
1) Wait for him to go away.
Most media darlings eventually do this, however, our
children's BRAINS are at stake.
2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips
shut.
You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.
3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him.
If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he
doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think
of it, he probably gets his power from...The Children's
Television Workshop. Cut their funding!)
4) Stop believing in him.
]
Scoff if you will, but this has worked with others recorded in
history.
Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT
Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's
an alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And
remember, you won't get your kids back until Barney is
dead.dead.dead.
Barney the Dinosaur is amongst us all, brainwashing hapless
children, and you sit there at your terminal chuckling at my
so-called "madness". But listen. There's still time to put an
end to his evil Jurassic schemes.
Barney is some kind of malignant supernatural force that has
invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur.
There are two principal Barney modes.
1) There is the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall
fuzzy purple saurian who moves around freely and talks and
sings like an brain damaged castrati.
2) There is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small
stuffed version of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is
Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can take on
any form he chooses.
We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume
that just because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he
IS a fuzzy harmless doll.
In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in
active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall
be his downfall.
You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a bloody crucifix,
an iron rod, a Tammy Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them
ready at all times in case of random Barney encounters.
If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active
mode, take these steps:
*DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*
His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you
gaze too long upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and
soul. The effect isn't as obvious on T.V., at least not with
adults.
*DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*
The real danger comes, from the seductive quality of his Song
Of Entrapment:
I love you....
Etc...
Etc...
Etc...
Won't you say you love me too?
If you DO say you love him, then he OWNS your soul and all its
accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.
*ACT CASUAL.*
Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an
autograph for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you
can get him to sign an agreement to leave mortals alone for
all eternity.
(NOTE: Your pen MUST be filled with blood for this to work.
While he is not really likely to fall for a cheap stunt like
this, it's certainly worth a try, unless you're worried about
him sucking up your soul like jello through a Hoover.)
*DESTROY HIM.*
Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect
a thing. The following methods will certainly annilihate most
creatures of darkness:
1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a bloody crucufix, saying
"Hey? Hey? Hey? Big fella?"
2) Blow pepper at him. Have a Holy Man of God ready to say "Bless
you," when he sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get
Barney-bits all over you.
3) Blow his face off with a flare gun.
4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive.)
5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?
6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a
3-D picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water
FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head,
while singing "Amazing Grace", in a month with a "K" in it.
(Note: The sword MUST be blessed by His Holiness the Pope.
Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)
One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to
field test any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh.
All of the above applies to HIM, too.
There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our
wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our
misdoings. Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous
creations of modern American culture and as such, he MUST be
destroyed. The termination of Barney must therefore become a
goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we
protect our children and stop his evil reign!
FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE
Just turn down volume on the TV the next time Barney appears.
Striped of his music ( such as the 'I love you, you love me'
chant, one of his most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness
immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try this,
you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently
moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you. After a
moment to recover your composure, you too will realize what
must be done.
There is ONE way in which the Purple Horror can be vanquished; wear a
concealed talisman inscribed with the Elder Sign. Lure B'harne to the
centre of a particle accelerator (if you cannot find one, a pentagonal
building will do) raise the talisman and say:
"Y'IIHAIII IA'STHAGGUOSHTH NGH'YAAIH. CEHAIIE B'HARNE SHUDDE-M'ELL.
YTHNG'HATH YOGGE-SOTHOTHA OGTHROD!"
This will temporarily destroy B'harne's power, causing it to collapse
into a shapeless mass. Now you must work quickly and inscribe a pentacle
around B'harne; if you hesitate, B'harne will assume a shoggoth-like
form and destroy you. After the pentacle is closed, B'harne's body must
be dissolved with acid. (Whatever you do, DON'T burn it.) This will
permanently destroy all of B'harne's power within this world and send
the horror back for all eternity to the fathomless gulfs of mad chaotic
space outside of space, where he can forever play his annoying little
tunes as his master, the daemon-sultan Azathoth, dances on his throne.
(Note: It is vitally important that the incantation be pronounced
without error or hesitation.)
A *pretty* little song about Barney
(to the tune of: "I'm a Little Teapot")
I'm a child molester,
tall and stout.
Get on your knees, kids,
suck on my spout.
Don't tell Mom and Dad,
or I will pout.
Then I'll BEND you over,
and REAM YOU OUT!
You love me...I love you...be sure to lick up all the spoo...
Perhaps a hurricane or tornado will drop a large, brick building on
the purple monstrosity and rid this world of an evil child molestor
(not to mention all the unmentionable little plastic barney toys,
lunchboxes, vcr tapes, etc)
I am sorry to have to tell you, but that would do not good what-so-ever.
You see the fearful truth is that there is MORE THEN ONE OF THEM! Yes,
they are making and sending out those suits by the dozens, they want to
make sure that there is at least one Barney in each state who can go out
to schools, and they are showing up every where! It's like a Smuffized
Jurassic Park meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers!!!!! Be afraid, be
very afraid.
The I Hate Barney Secret Society
10071 SW 17th Court
Davie, FL 33324
Barney
-----
Oneiros Semprini, First Initiate of The Circle
Archaea, Live Action Roleplaying and Wargaming
For Event Information, Call (301) 622-4526
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