A kind netizen who wishes to be known as "the Xenuphobe" has sent me the
following excellent parody of L Ron Hubbard's "Dianetics". It's hilarious,
although (disturbingly) it's only slightly more silly than the original.
(for more Scientology humour, look at the humour section of my Scientology
Critics' Page: http://mail.bris.ac.uk/~plmlp/scum.html )
DIAPETICS by Ira Wallach, published in 1951 as part of HOPALONG-FREUD,
published by Henry Schuman, New York. See also his pre-emptive strike on the
New Age, HOW TO BE DELERIOUSLY HAPPY - THE FOIBLE GOMPKIN METHOD.
DIAPETICS
Diapetics is the modern science of the mind which enables everybody to
cure everybody else of everything, just by reading this book. In
simple language, readily intelligible to the layman, the creator of
diapetics explains the secrets of the crisp, the pre-crisp, the slush,
and the bookie.
DIAPETICS (GR., DIAPER-BREECHCLOTH) IS AN INFANT
science. Perhaps we can best explain diapetics by analogy. Picture the
mind as a refrigerator (gas or electric). Now diapetics demonstrates
that part of the mind retains concepts not available for immediate use
or analysis. These concepts have been frozen in the mind's ice
tray. In another section of the mind we find the crisper. The crisper
keeps ideas and concepts fresh, edible, and not too damp. (Green ideas
should be left on the window sill for a few days). Controlling both
the ice tray and the crisper is the defroster.
We have also discovered a mysterious "Z Quality" in the
mind. This flows from the cream cheese to the soup greens. Our
knowledge of "Z," however, is still limited.
-The Theory of the Crisp-
The fundamental aim of diapetics is to skim the patient. A
skimmed patient is one who has undergone intense therapy with a
diapetic therapist or bookie. In such a patient you will find the ice
tray empty, the crisper full, and a dozen eggs behind the can of
peaches. He is what we call, in diapetics, a crisp.
A crisp is any person whose ice cubes have been refiled in his
crisper by diapetic therapy. A crisp has an I.Q. 200 points higher
than before treatment. He is kind and lovable, yet stern at times. He
does not get sick, nor does he worry. Sexually he is irresistible ("a
ball of fire in the feathers" as the bookies say in their colloquial
manner). He is five feet ten and has limpid brown eyes, unless he is a
woman, in which case she is five feet five.
Diapetics refers to all people who have not undergone therapy
as pre-crisps.
Sometimes therapists are content to have the patient emerge
from therapy a slush. A slush is a person whose ice cubes have melted
to the extent that they can be moved without resort to hammer and
screwdriver. (Diapetics is absolutely opposed to surgery.)
Thus we can see at a glance that diapetics realizes a
centuries-old dream: it is a science that explains the mind.
-The Flex-
The basic contribution of diapetics to science is its
discovery of the flex as the sole cause of all mental disturbance. A
small flex (flexette) may have little effect upon the patient's
life. But a large Aex (flexolo) may so completely disorient the
patient as to render him unfit for society.
A flex is any prenatal disagreement overheard by a foetus,
zygote, or particularly clever ovary.
We must remember that prior to birth the foetus and the zygote
are often unconscious. In this condition, any prenatal disagreement is
received by the foetal ice tray as a flex which will later have the
power of command over the patient. (For an earlier account of these
conclusions, see my article: "The Flex-Mind," in Preposterous Science
Fantasy, August, r949)
Here is a classic example of the flex, drawn from one of the
855 Patients on whom the Diapetic Institute conducted clinical tests
with maddeningly strict scientific controls. Shortly after conception,
the foetus in question overheard an argument between its parents. The
argument, acrimonious in character, reached its climax when the mother
shouted, "Go ahead, you son of a bitch, hit me with that andiron!"
Naturally this statement went directly to the foetal ice tray
where it acted as a flex with the power of command. Whenever the
patient, in adult life, caught sight of an andiron (or a son of a
bitch), he insisted upon being beaten on the head. After 98 beatings
with an andiron, the patient turned to diapetics for relief. (He has
been crisped.)
-Technique of Therapy-
With a little practice, the lay bookie should have no
difficulty in returning his patient to prenatal experiences. Simply
place the patient on a couch in a position of complete
relaxation. Speak in a quiet, intense voice. Say, "Slide back, slide
back, please." This is known as the diapetic slide-back. It soon
induces what is known to the bookies as the diapetic daze. Bookies
must take special care not to enter the daze with the patient. In
diapetic practice situations have arisen in which both patient and
bookie returned, hand in hand, to the prenatal area where they began
life anew. In such cases, a third bookie must be called in.
Contrary to popular belief, prenatal life is very hectic. Many
sounds penetrate to the foetus. Its cells are constantly assailed by
the clatter of milk bottles, delivery trucks, thunder storms, and the
din of intercourse. Each of these experiences is a trauma producing
unconsciousness on the foetus, and each is responsible for a flex
which must be beat around and washed up. (More on the beat-around and
the wash-up later.)
You are now ready for the bounce-back. This is the technique
by which the patient, already in the prenatal period, is forced back
as close to the moment of conception as possible. Concentrate on the
bounce-back. It will bring you face to face with the early flexolos.
-The Resister-
When a patient resists prenatal bounce-back, the bookie may
tie him in an old flour sack and dump him in a tub of water heated to
the average mean temperature of the amniotic fluid. This technique,
known as diapetic soakage, must be used only in difficult cases. Do
not attempt soakage on your first case. After you have handled a few
simple bounce-backs you will be better able to handle
soakage. Remember: soakage is hot-wire stuff!
On reaching the prenatal disagreement, beat it around, then wash
it up. The wash-up is accomplished by making the patient repeat the
conversation until it has melted sufficiently to be transferred from the
ice tray to the crisper. Be sure that it does not drip on the lamb chops.
-The Bookie's Oath-
To ensure the best therapeutic practices, the Diapetic
Institute has prepared a Bookie's Oath. Inform the patient of this
oath and take it in his presence:
On my honor I will be neat, clean, courteous, kind, and
attentive. I will not wear flashy clothes and I will not use strong
language. I pledge to locate, beat around, and wash up all flexes,
flexettes, and flexolos.
In addition, every bookie should display his Diapetic
Certificate in a prominent place. Such certificates may be obtained
after completion of the two-week course in diapetics at the National
Diapetic Institute. Those who take the three-week course will receive
the special postgraduate certificate. Write to the registrar for
rates.
-Axioms of Diapetics-
We diapeticians are rather amused today to look back upon our
early axioms and observe how crude they were. Today, however, every
bookie who wishes to practice efficiently should learn the following
scientific axioms formulated by the Institute:
The Life Surge of the slush plus the analytical power of the
pre-crisp is not equal to the Life Surge of the crisp.
Never talk in the presence of a foetus.
The saturation point of a slush, or equally, any group of
postcrispies, is expressed in the equation:
SP=KG2x(.0000000000000000000000000000000000006624)
(Planck's constant), where K is kilograms of Life Surge, and G
is the cubic capacity of the crisper.
Diapetics solves only the problems of the known universe. Bookies
do not concern themselves with the solution of other problems.
During coitus, be sure not to upset any zygotes.
The defroster is the link between Darwin and Einstein.
-A Typical Case-
Here is a case which demonstrates in capsule form the
technique of diapetic therapy as practiced by an experienced
bookie. This case concerns a foetus named Smith. Smith came for
therapy because he was always answering the telephone whether it rang
or not.
The bookie gave Smith a quick slide-back, immersed him in
daze, and returned him to an early prenatal period without recourse to
the bounce-back. The bookie then concentrated on a post-zygote period
shortly after conception. A few easily accessible flexes indicated
that Smith's parents had intercourse so often that Smith thought he
was living in a penal colony. Each of these episodes filled Smith's
ice tray with flexes. (The bookie washed up a total of 645 Prenatal
flexes before Smith was finally crisped.)
The prime flex (first flex received after conception) resisted
approach for 378 hours of therapy. The bookie finally melted it after
intense soakage. Following is a transcript of the prime flex:
Patient: I hear a voice. It's mama. She's saying, "Darling, darling, again,
again!" Over.
Bookie: Roger. Slide back, slide back. Beat it around. Over.
Patient: Roger. Another voice. Father's. He's saying, "There goes the damn
phone! Damn phone!" Over.
Bookie: Roger. Intensify bounce-back. Beat it around. Beat it around. Over.
Patient: Roger. Mama: "Again, again." Father: "Can't while the damn
phone's ringing. Got to answer, got to answer." (Here the patient
sighed contentedly, re-enacting foetal relief at the
interruption.) Father: "No, no, no! This is not the Biltmore
Delicatessen!"
Having reached this flex, the bookie was able to wash it
up. Five wash-ups and this flex was in the patient's crisper! Another
867 hours of therapy, and the patient was a complete crisp. He no
longer answers the phone, even when it rings.
-The Future-
This, then, is the world of diapetics. It is your science,
your world. You can leave it alone, or you can take diapetics and
remake yourself, your friends, your universe."
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