SCENE: A table at a chinese restaurant. A patron has just been seated. The restaurant is being run by an oriental family. The waiter has a heavy oriental accent. Man: Hi! You must be the waiter. Waiter: Yes, sir! How may I serve you? Man: I'm hungry today! What's today's special? Waiter: At this establishment, *everything* is special *everyday*! Man: Ha, ha. Right. (looks at the menu.) Can't make up my mind. Waiter: Would you like some soup of the day? Man: What's the soup of the day? Waiter: Bird drop soup. I go get bowl for you. The waiter leaves and returns with a steaming bowl of soup. Waiter: Here you go! Soup of the day! Man: Great. (Takes a sip.) (Spits) Yuck! This soup tastes spoiled! Waiter: Ha, ha! Soup of the day ... did not say from *which* day! Man: Yuck, yuck! You seem to think that was funny! You must be the waiter! Waiter: Yes! And, you are the customer. How may I help you? Man: May I see a menu, please? Waiter: Sure. Menu on counter. Next to cash register. Man: Well, aren't you going to get it? Waiter: Why? You need it, I don't! Man: But, aren't you the waiter? Waiter: Yes, and you are the customer! How may I serve you? Man: Just get me the menu! Waiter: Okay, okay ... The waiter leaves and returns with a menu. Waiter: Okay, here menu. Now, what you like to order? Man: Let's see. I think I'll have the beef chow fun. Waiter: Ah! Beef chow fun! You want to have some fun! Ha, ha! Get it? Have some *fun*? Man: Man, you have a terrible sense of humor! You must be the waiter! Waiter: Yes, and you must be the customer! How may I serve you? Man: May I have my order of fun, please? Waiter: We don't serve fun here. Not that kind of business. Man: What? Waiter: My daughter is *waitress*, not for fun ... Man: No!! I mean the kind of fun in the kitchen ... in the wok! Waiter: Ugh! Fun in the wok! You americans are *very* strange! Man: No, no! Look, I want that order of beef chow fun! Waiter: Ah, you want CHOW fun! Man: That's what I said! Waiter: So sorry. You are the customer. Man: You are the waiter. Waiter: How may I serve you? Man: Just get me my order. Waiter: No problem. The waiter walks toward the order window. Waiter: One order beef chow fun! Man: Oh, waiter! No MSG! Waiter: One order beef chow fun! Hold MSG! Cook: Two order beef chow fun! One no MSG! Waiter: No! ONE order beef chow fun! No MSG! Cook: You say TWO order beef chow fun! One no MSG! Waiter: No! I say one order beef chow fun, then I say no MSG! Cook: No, you say one order beef chow fun, and one order beef chow fun, no MSG! That TWO order beef chow fun, one no MSG! Waiter: Look ... I only want ONE order beef chow fun, okay? Cook: Any MSG? Waiter: No! Cook: (mumbles) Nobody like MSG. Don't know why. Taste good. Maybe make you a little nervous, but so does coffee ... The waiter returns to the table. Waiter: Cook cook your order now. Anything else? Man: Let me look at the menu. (Looks at the menu) Hey, waiter! What's this on the menu? Waiter: (Looks at the menu) Look like food. Man: That's disgusting! Don't you guys clean your menus? Waiter: Why? Man: Well ... uh, I don't know. What is it? Waiter: Look like chow fun. Man: Really? Hmmm. The man pulls the fragment of chow fun off the menu and EATS it. Man: Mmmm! That's pretty good chow fun! Waiter: That BEEF chow fun! You like? Man: Yes. It was very tasty. I can't wait for my order now. Waiter: How you know of chow fun? Man: What do you mean? Waiter: Most people order rice, noodles, egg roll, won ton ... but YOU order chow fun! You chinese? Man: Yes, as a matter of fact. Waiter: You from China? What part of China you from? Man: Oakland. Waiter: Ahh! Oakland not in China! Man: Try telling that to my parents. Cook: Order ready! One beef chow fun, no MSG! Waiter: Here you are! One beef chow fun! Man: Thanks. Wait. Why is there a spoon? Where's my chopsticks? Waiter: Chow fun usually side dish. We serve with spoon. Man: Well, I suppose I can use the spoon. Hey, what's this side dish? Waiter: (Looks at the little dish) Don't know. Hey, cook!! Come out here! The cook returns to the table. Cook: Yeah? Man: What's this white powder on this side dish? Cook: Oh! That MSG. Man: I said NO MSG. Cook: I know. That why I put on side dish. In case you change your mind. Man: I WON'T change my mind! I don't like MSG! Cook: Look. Little bit of MSG, no hurt. Eat 5 gallon MSG, then maybe hurt. Man: Well, I've heard people reacted strangely to it ... Cook: (Angry) Look! I eat it! Prove to you that MSG a-okay! The cook takes a heaping spoonful of MSG and swallows it. Cook: (Smiles.) See? Nothing wrong! Everything okay. The cook stops smiling. Suddenly, the cook falls to the ground and shakes uncontrollably. Man: Uh-oh. Maybe we should get a doctor. Waiter: No. He just on his break. He be okay in one hour. Man: You guys are nuts. Just leave me alone. Cook: (Gasps) I ... need ... water! Waiter: You customer? Cook: No. Waiter: You not customer, I no serve you. Man: May *I* have some water? Waiter: You customer? Man: Yes. Are you a waiter? Waiter: Yes, how may I serve you? Man: I want some water. Waiter: Sorry. I'm on my break. Man: All right. Who will be serving me? Waiter: My daughter. The waitress. The waiter leaves and his daughter, the waitress goes to the table. She is GORGEOUS ... Man: YOU'RE the waitress? Waitress: Yes, you are customer? Man: Yeah. Waitress: How may I serve you? Man: I want some more fun. Waitress: (slaps the patron) I'm not that kind of girl! Man: (Sighs) Just get me another order of beef chow fun. Cook: (From the floor) No MSG!
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